Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com - (1)Hello my friends!  I am back from a long hiatus from blogging. I’m sure you missed me, but I’m sure you missed my husband more. It’s okay.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that my readers love my hubby more than they love me.  Then again, what’s not to love, especially when he says some of the things he says.

So let’s get to it.  I have a long list because it’s been a while since I’ve done this so settle in for some good laughs. And I’ll say it again….he’s all mine….be jealous.

Parking Expert

Matt: “People who back into parking spaces should be sterilized.”

Receptionist

Matt:  “You need to pick up your prescription from Walgreens. They keep calling me and leaving me angry messages.”
Lisa: “It’s a recording.”
Matt:  “She has a tone.”

photo 2 (14)Humble Husband

Lisa:  “You’re such a martyr.
Matt:  “No I’m not.” <whispers while looking down> “I’m just a really good guy.

Accepting of Others

Matt: <while watching some woman do something strange> “What’s this bitch doing? Aside from being a bitch?

Equine Expert

Lisa:  “Why do they say ‘I have to pee like a race horse?‘”
Matt:  “Because they have to pee a lot.”
Lisa: “But then why don’t they just go pee if they have to pee? Why wait?
Matt: “This conversation is boring.

photo 1 (13)Animal Lover

Lisa: <Observing Matt pushing around the outside plants with a broom> “What are you doing? Looking for critters like chipmunks?”
Matt:  “I don’t care about chipmunks. They’re awesome and fight danger in their spare time. I’m looking for snakes. Snakes serve no purpose.” <begins singing “Chip and Dale’s” theme song>

Partier

Matt:  “What do you want to do tonight? Well, not so much do as watch.

Compassionate Man

photo 3 (10)Matt:  “My eye is starting to droop. Oh no!
Lisa:Don’t talk to me about droopy eyes. I’ve had a droopy eye for a year.
Matt:  “It’s not a competition. Let me have this.”

Insightful

Matt:  “Remember that movie ‘The Land Before Time?’ When Little Leaf’s mom died and he saw his shadow and thought it was her so he started running to it and it kept getting smaller?
Lisa:Yes.
Matt:  “Who the hell wrote that? It’s some f*cked up sh*t.
Lisa:  “This is super random.”
Matt:  “What? I was just trying to make conversation.”

photo 2 (16)Non Judgmental

Matt:  “I’m telling you. That woman is awful. Exhibit B…For bitch.

Motivated Guy

Matt:  “I’m sleepy.
Lisa:  “You were in bed 3 hours ago.”
Matt:  “I know. I miss it.

Easily Impressed

Lisa:  “I just typed all of that on my phone without looking and there was no errors.
Matt:  “Yeah. You do that when you’re typing on the computer too. I think you think it impresses me.

photo (14)World History Expert

Matt:  “When The Italians invented pizza it was pepperoni.”
Lisa:  “You don’t know if that’s true.
Matt:  “You don’t know it’s not true.

Delightful Company

Lisa:  “You know, you’re no picnic yourself.”
Matt:  “I’m a picnic. I’m a picnic in goddamned Central Park.

Fashion Expert

Matt:  “Look at that guy’s hair. He looks like he stepped out of the 80sDo people even do their hair like that? Do hair stylists even do that to people?

photo 4 (1)Wordsmith

Matt:Where’s all this sass coming from? I didn’t know it was Sass-ur-day.

Patriotic

Matt:  “…Because we live in STL. Americas asshole.

Humble Man

Matt:  <cleaning glasses>
Lisa:  “Are those your regular glasses or your Warby Parker’s?”
Matt:  “Warby Parkers. ………I know.
Lisa:  “You know what?
Matt:  “I just thought you were going to say I looked good in them.

Christmas EveLightly Scented

Lisa:  “Wow. That’s a lot of cologne you just sprayed. Trying to impress someone?
Matt:  “No. I’m just not sure how dirty this shirt is.”

Sympathetic Citizen

Lisa:  “They still haven’t found those two guys who escaped from prison.”
Matt:  “I still haven’t found my glasses…I get it.

Fixer Of Things

Matt:  “The hose is flowing fine now….like my rhymes!”

Did you like this edition? Did it give you your Matt Newlin fix?  Which one was your favorite?

funny crap my husband says, October 2014Oh friends.  You’ve been waiting for this month’s installment of more of the random stuff my husband says when he’s not trying to be funny.  Once again, he won’t disappoint.

Fashionista

That guy is wearing a f*cking bow tie. He’s just trying to piss me off.

Yoga Enthusiast

Matt:  “I think I want to take time off work to focus on my yoga.”
Lisa:  “You don’t do yoga.”
Matt:  “I know. That’s why I need to take time off to focus on it.”

Editorial Genius

Editing is easy. I mean, I’ve never done it. But it’s totally easy.”

Confident In His Own Skin

Matt:  “I texted him from your phone. He hasn’t answered. He probably knew it was me.”
Lisa:  “It says he hasn’t even read the text yet.”
Matt:  “What does that have to do with anything?

Generous bed mate

<laying in bed with his head on his pillow>
Hey. Can I use your pillow?”

Neighborhood Entertainer

Lisa:  “Don’t you hate having the windows open at night when people can see inside?”
Matt:  “Yes.
Lisa:  “Then why don’t you close the curtains?”
Matt:  “I don’t know. Apathy?

DSC01074From Rags to Riches

Lisa:  “This wine is amazing. It’s definitely not the kind of thing you would have ever bought before we met.  You though wine came in a box.”
Matt:  “Yes, you saved me from a horrible single life. Before you I was eating diaper shit out of trash cans.

In-home Nurse

Lisa:  “I can’t fall asleep because I’m hungry.”
Matt:  “Slam some water.”
Lisa:  “I can’t because then I’ll have to wake up all night to pee.”
Matt:  “You need a catheter. We need to cath that shit.”

On The Cutting Edge

Lisa:  “Why don’t you get this new razor (points to razor at the store)?”
Matt:  “I didn’t feel comfortable doing the Pro Glide. I don’t trust it and I don’t feel good about it. I’ve seen a lot of commercials about it and there’s been some buzz but I’m not ready. It’s on a ball. A pivot. I just don’t know...”

Entrepreneur

(While at a fancy neighborhood Walgreens)
Be careful. The floor is wet. Don’t fall. Or, do fall and then we can live in one of these fancy houses.”

DSC01082Health Nut

Lisa:  “We could just have some pasta and vegetables for dinner.”
Matt:  “Vegetables? I don’t want to ruin my dinner with vegetables.”

Medical Guru

Matt:  “A stroke presents itself in a lot of ways.”
Lisa:  “Really? Like what ways?”
Matt:  “I’m not going to list them all now. It’s just a lot.”

Clean Freak

Matt:  “I need Comet. Nothing else cleans the sink as well.”
Lisa:  “There’s this Soft Scrub you could use.”
Matt: “I tried it. It doesn’t work. Actually it might have worked. I don’t remember.”