Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com - (1)Hello my friends!  I am back from a long hiatus from blogging. I’m sure you missed me, but I’m sure you missed my husband more. It’s okay.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that my readers love my hubby more than they love me.  Then again, what’s not to love, especially when he says some of the things he says.

So let’s get to it.  I have a long list because it’s been a while since I’ve done this so settle in for some good laughs. And I’ll say it again….he’s all mine….be jealous.

Parking Expert

Matt: “People who back into parking spaces should be sterilized.”

Receptionist

Matt:  “You need to pick up your prescription from Walgreens. They keep calling me and leaving me angry messages.”
Lisa: “It’s a recording.”
Matt:  “She has a tone.”

photo 2 (14)Humble Husband

Lisa:  “You’re such a martyr.
Matt:  “No I’m not.” <whispers while looking down> “I’m just a really good guy.

Accepting of Others

Matt: <while watching some woman do something strange> “What’s this bitch doing? Aside from being a bitch?

Equine Expert

Lisa:  “Why do they say ‘I have to pee like a race horse?‘”
Matt:  “Because they have to pee a lot.”
Lisa: “But then why don’t they just go pee if they have to pee? Why wait?
Matt: “This conversation is boring.

photo 1 (13)Animal Lover

Lisa: <Observing Matt pushing around the outside plants with a broom> “What are you doing? Looking for critters like chipmunks?”
Matt:  “I don’t care about chipmunks. They’re awesome and fight danger in their spare time. I’m looking for snakes. Snakes serve no purpose.” <begins singing “Chip and Dale’s” theme song>

Partier

Matt:  “What do you want to do tonight? Well, not so much do as watch.

Compassionate Man

photo 3 (10)Matt:  “My eye is starting to droop. Oh no!
Lisa:Don’t talk to me about droopy eyes. I’ve had a droopy eye for a year.
Matt:  “It’s not a competition. Let me have this.”

Insightful

Matt:  “Remember that movie ‘The Land Before Time?’ When Little Leaf’s mom died and he saw his shadow and thought it was her so he started running to it and it kept getting smaller?
Lisa:Yes.
Matt:  “Who the hell wrote that? It’s some f*cked up sh*t.
Lisa:  “This is super random.”
Matt:  “What? I was just trying to make conversation.”

photo 2 (16)Non Judgmental

Matt:  “I’m telling you. That woman is awful. Exhibit B…For bitch.

Motivated Guy

Matt:  “I’m sleepy.
Lisa:  “You were in bed 3 hours ago.”
Matt:  “I know. I miss it.

Easily Impressed

Lisa:  “I just typed all of that on my phone without looking and there was no errors.
Matt:  “Yeah. You do that when you’re typing on the computer too. I think you think it impresses me.

photo (14)World History Expert

Matt:  “When The Italians invented pizza it was pepperoni.”
Lisa:  “You don’t know if that’s true.
Matt:  “You don’t know it’s not true.

Delightful Company

Lisa:  “You know, you’re no picnic yourself.”
Matt:  “I’m a picnic. I’m a picnic in goddamned Central Park.

Fashion Expert

Matt:  “Look at that guy’s hair. He looks like he stepped out of the 80sDo people even do their hair like that? Do hair stylists even do that to people?

photo 4 (1)Wordsmith

Matt:Where’s all this sass coming from? I didn’t know it was Sass-ur-day.

Patriotic

Matt:  “…Because we live in STL. Americas asshole.

Humble Man

Matt:  <cleaning glasses>
Lisa:  “Are those your regular glasses or your Warby Parker’s?”
Matt:  “Warby Parkers. ………I know.
Lisa:  “You know what?
Matt:  “I just thought you were going to say I looked good in them.

Christmas EveLightly Scented

Lisa:  “Wow. That’s a lot of cologne you just sprayed. Trying to impress someone?
Matt:  “No. I’m just not sure how dirty this shirt is.”

Sympathetic Citizen

Lisa:  “They still haven’t found those two guys who escaped from prison.”
Matt:  “I still haven’t found my glasses…I get it.

Fixer Of Things

Matt:  “The hose is flowing fine now….like my rhymes!”

Did you like this edition? Did it give you your Matt Newlin fix?  Which one was your favorite?

New Year's resolutionsI hate new year’s resolutions.  The obvious reason is that I hate agreeing to do things that might be difficult.  That’s why I’ve never successfully completed a jigsaw puzzle, or an entire episode of the news.

I also hate resolutions because I like to think that I’m pure perfection, and I don’t need any improvement, which probably just shows I’m in a state of denial, but I don’t care.  I like to think I’m fabulous and without flaws.

Another reason I hate new year’s resolutions is because I will always fail to keep them, which just further reminds me that I’m a failure, and brings back childhood memories of letting down my 5th grade kickball team when I whiffed the ball and lost the game.

I still can’t look at a red kickball without getting misty-eyed.

So this year I decided I would make some resolutions that I knew I could keep.  That way, I would feel good about myself and my success, instead of feeling bad about myself and drowning my sorrows in Grey Goose.

Come to think of it, I will also celebrate my success with Grey Goose, so either way, there’s vodka on the table.  Here are a few of my resolutions for this year.  They should be your resolutions too because I think they’re pretty easy for anyone to keep.

1.  Eat good food

girl eating hot dogJust to be clear, this resolution isn’t to eat healthy food; it’s to eat good tasting food.  The two are completely different, despite what my personal trainer and my mother say.

Newsflash:  Spaghetti squash doesn’t taste anything like pasta, no matter how much you douse it in marinara.  So pass the pasta and shut it.

If I made a resolution to eat healthy food, the Chipotle I had for lunch and the Domino’s I had for dinner would not meet with that resolution, and I like to think of myself as a winner.

So vowing to eat delicious food this year is not only a resolution I know I can keep, it’s one I will take quite seriously. I’m dedicated to myself like that.

2.  Have as many embarrassing moments as possible

baboonThis is one resolution I can stick to even without trying.

For some reason, I manage to embarrass myself regularly; the way some people accomplish goals, or breathe air.

From dropping the bottom of my dress in the toilet to opening the door on a perfect stranger using the toilet, I get myself into some embarrassing situations.

Come to think of it…many of them involve toilets.  I don’t even want to know what that suggests about me.

3.  Come up with new and interesting excuses for why I can’t go to the gym

sickNo more “I’m sick” or “I pulled my scrotum.”

Those are old excuses that died with 2014, and any dream I had of fitting into clothes from the Juniors department ever again.

I’m also pretty sure that my physical trainer has caught on to the fact that one can only biologically have 2 sets of grandparents, yet I’ve managed to have nearly 6 of them die in the last year.

I think he’s starting to do that math.  This year I’m going to come up with new material for why I can’t make it to my workouts. Nothing is off limits this year.

I’m going to dig deep and dream big and look up new conditions on WebMD.

4.  Dress comfortably

sweater and hatSince I own a pair of Pajama Jeans, this is one resolution I’m confident I can keep.  I plan on not letting constricting pants get in the way of my comfort.  Please note this resolution goes hand in hand with resolution number 1.

Gone are the days of wearing pants that button, and dresses that cling to my fat rolls.  This year I’m going to branch out and wear more flowy clothes, which basically means I will be increasing my trips to the maternity clothes outlets.

If any of you have coupons for Motherhood, send them my way.  Those maternity pants aren’t cheap and I’m going to be tight on cash, especially considering all the good food I’ll be purchasing, and the money I’ll be wasting on a gym membership I won’t use.

5.  Make financially irresponsible purchases

pennies and manThis will be a fun resolution to keep, and one that will most likely encourage late night television viewing.  Nothing is a bigger waste of money than “only sold on TV” items that can easily be found at the local Wal-mart for a fraction of the price.

And with a Wal-mart purchase, there is the free added bonus of the sighting of a 55 year old male wearing a bathrobe and Speedo while demanding he be referred to as “Mr. Muscles.”

In addition to ridiculous television purchases, I also plan on buying lots of storage items that, ironically, will contribute to my storage problem by taking up space in my small house.

And maybe this year’s the year I finally let my husband buy a moped and start a moped gang.  He wants to call it Rolling Thunder.

I think this is a good start to my list of realistic resolutions.  I will keep you posted on my progress, but until then, I’m going to grab a Hostess snack cake (or 3) and call my trainer to tell him I won’t be at the gym tomorrow because my basement flooded and my workout gear is floating in sewage.

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Other Places You Can Find Me On The Internet This Week

Oh Marriage! The 7 Funniest Things My Husband’s Ever Said To Me

10 Signs You’re Pushing 40 And Don’t Give An Eff

9 Awkward Stages of Seeing A Facebook Friend In Real Life

90sAs many of you know, the unauthorized “Saved By The Bell” behind-the-scenes movie premiered on tvt.  You know it’s a totally accurate and legit movie because it premiered on Lifetime; the most well-respected of all networks.  After all, it’s television for women. You can’t go wrong with a network like that, right?

I cut my ties with cable a few months ago so I haven’t yet seen what promises to be an epic disappointment, but I can only imagine how delightfully horrible this movie really is.

The term “movie” is used loosely here, as I’m familiar with Lifetime’s other “works” including such titles as “I’m Sick Of Being Beaten Up” and “Raped At 16.”

Okay, I don’t know if those are actually the names of movies they aired but I suspect they are.

Since this movie is airing some of  “Saved By The Bell’s” potentially true secrets, I think other shows from the 90s should follow suit.  I’m sure Lifetime agrees with me there.

So in the spirit of pushing production along, I’ve come up with some shows from the 90s that need to be made into exposes.  Here’s a few along with the title of the movie.

“Who’s The Boss?”

What was really behind that epic battle…and who won.

“The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”

He was neither fresh nor a prince.

“Blossom”

What the hell was up with that hat?

“Alf”

Lovable puppet or cat serial killer?

“Full House”

How 3 dudes lived in a house with 3 kids and never got reported to Child Services

“The Nanny”

Earplugs: The key to survival on set

“The Drew Carey Show”

Apparently Cleveland rocks

“Friends”

…with benefits

“Hey Dude”

Denim’s most embarrassing decade

“Lambchop’s Play Along”

Anyone up for a gyro?

“Baywatch”

They didn’t wear pants when they were offscreen either

Okay, did I get them all?  Which ones did I forget? Let me know.

And if any of you have cable, please DVR the “Saved By The Bell”  movie. I’ll need to watch and I can’t do it at my house.

I’ll bring the beer.

Can you believe it’s already Tuesday?  It snuck up quickly on me, which is funny, because this week’s Tinder Tuesday candidate looks like that’s exactly what she would do…or rather, what someone did to her.

Yes, this week’s Tinder Tuesday candidate is a her.  Fortunately I have some awesome readers who are willing to send in candidates for my <ahem> analysis.  This week’s inaugural female Tinder candidate will not disappoint.  In fact, she’s got a little something more than most other candidates….

Pregnant Tinder

What’s that something more that she has?  A baby.  It’s a fricking baby.

I know what you’re thinking…this photo is the MOTHERLOAD!

So many places to start, but I’m going to look to her philosophy on life first.  At the bottom you will see what she says about herself.  “Life’s a garden…DIG IT!”  I’m not sure if that’s truly her philosophy, but one thing is for sure: she knows how to hoe (it up).

Who tries to catch a man when she’s in her last trimester?  Perhaps she doesn’t understand the “tri” means “third” and not “try to find a baby-daddy.” Perhaps she’s hoping she can meet someone in time to get in on his HMO.  After all, having a baby isn’t cheap.

Looking up to her face we notice she couldn’t be bothered to put on makeup.  Perhaps she prefers au naturale when it comes to makeup.  If that’s the case, I hate to know if she continues that theory when it comes to her bikini line.

It also appears as if her hair is wet, which suggests good hygiene.  Either that, or she goes a litle crazy with the Dep hairgel. Either way is fine with me.

What I don’t see on her fingers are any rings.  If she’s on a dating site I would expect her not to have on a wedding ring, but her lack of rings here makes me wonder if she’s married but her fingers are just too swollen for jewelry.

I also suspect this may not be her first bundle of joy.  To the right there’s a stroller with things on it.  Something tells me this wasn’t just given to her at a baby shower thrown at the local the country club.  Rather, this stroller has some wear and tear from a few love nuggets before the newest batch.

I also can’t help but notice that it looks like she’s in her childhood bedroom at her mom’s house.  There’s old-school furniture and nothing about this scene says “This is my own place but I chose to decorate it like a teenager.” If she did live somewhere other than her mom’s house, why would she have her TV, 1990s computer AND her stroller all within a foot of each other?

And let’s address that TV, shall we? I want to say it’s a TV/VCR combo but that would be too perfect.  It looks like she has a stellar collection of DVDs, so perhaps she’s stepped out of the 80s when it comes to electronics.  I can’t see what movies she owns but I suspect there’s a copy of “Knocked Up” in there somewhere.

Next to the TV cart is a large cardboard box.  I can only assume this is already filled with the necessities she would need to move into your place…after your second date.  After all, it’s clear this chick moves fast.

Looking to the right there’s a collection of odd glass statues sitting on two shelves.  I’m telling myself they’re not random glass bongs, but not doing a good job of convincing myself of that.

On top of the hutch there’s what appears to be a Pogo Ball from the 80s.  Yes, I just referenced a Pogo Ball.  Maybe that’s not it but if it is, I might track this chick down just to borrow it.  I bet I could find her in the maternity ward.

And let us not forget the dirty underwear strewn behind her.  As if we needed reminding that she readily takes those things off.

Okay, I think that’s it for this week.  After all, this chick has already taken a pounding.  Oh, and she’s been mocked here too.

Did I miss anything?  Let me know!

Week 5 of Tinder Tuesdays

GUESS WHERE I’M PUBLISHED THIS WEEK?!  SCARYMOMMY.COM

Check out my post about how water parks are just like bars.

 

Why 80s TV is awesomeI recently got rid of cable because I was sick of bending over every month when I got the bill.  However, I didn’t want to miss rotting my brain on a daily basis so I’ve turned to things like Hulu+ and Netflix to help me get my fix of mindless TV.

Imagine my excitement when I began exploring and discovered many of my favorite 80s television shows were available for viewing.

So I grabbed my jelly bracelets, poured a glass of Tang and got to work re-watching the best television sitcoms ever.

Except they weren’t the best.

Some of them were actually pretty horrible.  What were we thinking in the 80s?  How did we find these premises entertaining?  A show about an abandoned child who took up residence in a vacant apartment only to be subsequently adopted by the building owner?  And her name was Punky Brewster?  Seriously?  Her adoptive father wasn’t reported to Child Services for letting her keep that name? Preposterous!

Then I realized most of the 80s sitcoms were equally as ridiculous, so I made a list of 10 of my favorite shows of the 80s and what was wrong with the premise of each.

It didn’t take long.

Why did we watch this-Saved by the Bell:  This kid-friendly show starred a lead character who was positively horrible.  He regularly screwed over his friends who always forgave him, only to set themselves up to be screwed over again the following week.  And since when is a preppy kid best friends with a nerd and a jock?  Not in my high school!

Mr. Belvedere:  This was one of my favorites although I never realized how creepy the show was.  A housekeeper who wore a jacket and tie everyday?  Strange.  A guy who kept a daily journal about living with kids and then read it aloud to himself every night in his room?  Hello sex offender.

Alf:  The Tanners were able to keep a talking stuffed animal quiet and undetected even though he lived in their DETACHED garage?  How stupid are we?  My neighbors root around in my detached garage and all that’s in there is a raccoon nest and bags of leaves I keep forgetting to get rid of. He would have been discovered in one week…tops.

Murder, She Wrote:  A show about a famous author who solves mysteries.  Here’s one mystery she never solved; why was everyone around her always getting murdered?!  Maybe that should have been the series finale.

My Two Dads:  So basically, your mom was a slut?  That’s the premise of the show that we’ve somehow managed to overlook in this quirky comedy.  And she was such a hoebag that didn’t even have a “type” as the two potential fathers were polar opposites.  Clearly she just gave it away to any guy she met at a bar. Not exactly clean family fun.  Wait, that describes some of my friends in college.

The Cosby Show:  I never understood why Bill Cosby’s character was named Cliff Huxtable yet it was called “The Cosby Show.”  It baffled my young mind and continues to do so.  Why not just call it “The Huxtables” or give the characters the last name of Cosby?  It seems to me Bill Cosby must have had insecurities that people wouldn’t watch the show unless they knew who was in it.

tv-46909_1280Cheers:  A show about a bar that was open in the middle of the day and only a few people ever paid for drinks.  Given the fact they were literally giving it away, that bar should have been a lot more crowded than it was.

Who’s the Boss?:  It’s not so strange to me that a man was hired as a housekeeper.  Not only can I get on board with that, I like it.  What’s a hard hard sell here is that he was a good housekeeper.  Vacuuming the curtains with the actual vacuum and not an attachment?  Really Tony?  I can only imagine how he “cleaned” the bathroom.

Doogie Howser, M.D.:  Right.  Because I’m going to let a guy who hasn’t yet grown pubic hair remove my spleen.  My standard rule of thumb is if your voice sounds like a chipmunk and you still believe in Santa Claus, you’re not getting into my organs.

Diff’rent Strokes:  A show about two boys from Harlem who go live with their dead mom’s millionaire boss?  Is that how it goes in real life?  When you die your estate goes to your boss?  If that’s the case, my boss is going to be pumped when he gets  my collection of VHS tapes.  (And as a sidenote, why is there an apostrophe in the title?  Is it to show us the dad is pretentious?  His never-ending barrage of three-piece suits told us that.)

Even though I realize that most of these shows have ludicrous plots, I also know that I still love them and will watch them whenever they’re available.

After all, one thing’s for certain:  “I want Charles in Charge of Me.”

before surgeryNormally I write a (hopefully) humorous blog about the most ridiculous of things.  However, every now and then I feel compelled to write something more serious.  Lucky for you, this is one of those times.

It’s kind of like seeing a unicorn.

At some point in most people’s lives, they have a friend who is sick.  Not just the normal vomiting after a Saturday night of drinking, but something more serious.  If you haven’t had this happen to you, then you’re lucky, although I suspect it will happen at some point in your life.

As someone who has gone through this, I’ve decided to offer some advice on how to behave when a friend or colleague has been diagnosed with a serious medical condition.  From lupus to cancer, knowing how to act around someone who is sick is a skill many people lack.

Hopefully these tips will give you some guidance.

cute-15719_640Don’t Ignore It

If you don’t know what to say, simply say that, but don’t ignore your friend when she needs you most.  Don’t let your insecurities about how to act affect how you treat your friend.  She is struggling with a lot and it’s selfish to put your uncomfortable feelings before those of your friend.

This happened to me and I can tell you first hand just how bad it stung.  She was one of the few people I told about my diagnosis and treatment.  She was supportive during the conversation and then?

I.  Never.  Heard.  From.  Her.  Again.

This was someone I thought was a close friend and it turned out she wasn’t.  Either she didn’t care about me or was too worried about herself to continue our friendship.  The reason doesn’t matter.  The end result is the same.  It hurts the person who is sick and who is already hurting so much.

confidential-264516_640Respect Her Privacy

Some people are open about medical struggles and diagnoses but some aren’t.  Remember that although you want to know what’s going on, it isn’t your story.  It’s your friend’s and if she doesn’t want it told, then respect that.

There are many different people in this world and it’s not fair to judge others based upon what we think we would do.  Allow me to tell you this:  you don’t know what you would do.  No one does until it happens to them.

If your friend doesn’t want to give details, then respect it.  She has a reason, and it might just be because she doesn’t want to lose friendships by disclosing too much.

It might also be because she doesn’t want to be viewed as less than normal because she is going through something. Maybe she just doesn’t want to be seen as weak.  Or maybe she doesn’t want to say it outloud because then it would be real.

Or maybe it’s another reason entirely.

The bottom line is that it’s not your place to push.  Respect your friend’s wishes and ask what you can do to help, but don’t pry.

WomanLet Your Friend Know You’re Thinking of Her

Just because she’s sick doesn’t mean she’s dead.  She still wants to feel like people care about her and are thinking of her.  A quick text that says “Thinking of you” most likely will make your friend’s day.  She is probably already feeling out of the loop and depressed about being sick.

Those quick little texts or calls make all the difference.

It also shows who her real friends are; and who they aren’t.  My two best friends, DTCB and The Great Ape, were there for me every step of the way and continue to be.  I’m not surprised at all that these women have been wonderful.  I never doubted them, but it’s nice to have reassurance.

On the other hand, there have been people I would have thought would have stepped up that didn’t; people I normally would have sworn would be there for me if I needed them.  That’s a tough lesson to learn, especially when you’re already going through a dificult time.

The only thing worse than physical pain is emotional pain, and I felt much of that traversing these last few months and realizing who my friends were (and weren’t).

Hand ReachingBe Inclusive

Your friend may not be able to go out to dinner with the girls on a Friday night, but you know what?  ASK.  If she can’t go, she’ll say so.  But not being asked hurts.

It’s hard enough being at home feeling horrible, going to doctors all the time and being prodded and questioned about everything.  That’s a struggle in itself.  Couple that with feeling shut out because you’re sick and it’s positively horrible.

It’s hard to realize life is going on without you when you’re sick.  When you’re not included in plans, it feels like you’ve already been dismissed from the group.  It’s painful and isolating.

Always ask, even if the answer is always no.

MP900399215Listen

Sometimes your friend may just want to talk about something or nothing.  Be there.  Listen to her talk about horrible daytime TV and how the only thing that would make it better is a milkshake.

Listening is one of the greatest things you can do for a sick friend and it’s completely free.  It makes them feel relevant and that someone cares about them even though they’re not able to be social.

Hopefully these tips helped shed some light on things.  Please remember that just because someone is sick doesn’t mean they’re dead.  They’re still here and deserve the love and support of those around them.

Think about how you would feel if people acted certain ways and make it a point not to engage in that behavior.

And bring your sick friend ice cream.  Ice cream always helps.

How to act when a friend has illness

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

I love infomercials.  I used to deny it but now I’m embracing it.  How better to waste an hour of your day than watching actors pretend to be frustrated with things that rarely cause frustration?

I had no idea it took a long time to remove screws with a screwdriver, or that doing so caused stress, sweating and fatigue.

Thank goodness there’s now a SpeedOut that removes those pesky screws quickly.  After all, we wouldn’t want to take the normal 15 seconds to do so.

Because I’m an infomercial junkie, I’ve composed a list of my five favorite “As Seen On TV” products. These are simultaneously the best and worst ideas ever.

photo credit: Vermin Inc via photopin cc

photo credit: Vermin Inc via photopin cc

The Pocket Hose

The last time I heard of a pocket gadget it certainly wasn’t a hose.  (Quite the opposite, actually.)  Either way, I can’t think of a single place I would go where I would need a hose in my back pocket.

If they didn’t intend for it to be placed in one’s pocket, they shouldn’t market it as something that can be worn for that “hose emergency.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been somewhere and thought “If only I had a hose in my pocket, this problem would be solved.”

I know how many times I’ve said that.  Zero.  I’ve said it zero times.

photo credit: Lawrence Whittemore via photopin <a

photo credit: Lawrence Whittemore via photopin <a

The Ninja Wallet

This is a wallet that contains 6 wrenches, 2 rulers, 4 screwdrivers, 4 openers, and a cell phone stand.  I’m not kidding.  This is in addition to money and the old condom the ninja using this wallet most certainly has.

I can understand why a ninja might need some of these tools.  Perhaps he needs one screwdriver.  But four?

This ninja is out and about and can’t figure out how to open something with only three screwdrivers?  Seems to me he’s not much of a ninja if he needs all of these tools.

photo credit: TheMarque via photopin cc

photo credit: TheMarque via photopin cc

Bullseye Pee Pads

These are for your dog, which makes them only slightly less gross.  These pads are designed with a bullseye of scents in the middle of the pad to make your dog pee there.

Apparently people have a real problem with their dogs peeing on a pad in their living room.

My quick fix to that?  Take your dog outside to pee.  It’s all the rage.

If someone is going to make a bullseye for pee, it should be to put in the toilet so my husband can get better aim.

Chocolate Cake Slice with RaspberriesDump Cakes

Yes, that’s right.  Dump Cakes.  It sounds like a college prank but apparently this item exists.  It’s a box of cake ingredients that you simply open, dump into a pan, and bake.

It’s marketed as being so much easier than making a cake from scratch.

Apparently they’ve never heard of cake mix, which involves dumping the box, adding an egg, water and oil and then baking.  If they find that’s too much work, they probably don’t need to be eating a cake.

They should take a walk around the block and eat a banana or two.

photo credit: - Annetta - via photopin cc<

photo credit: – Annetta – via photopin cc<

The Furniture Fix

This item is placed under your couch cushions when they start to sag.  It’s a set of interlocking pieces that’s supposed to provide additional support.  The pieces look exactly like 2x4s, although they probably cause less splinters.

Is this an item that’s really needed?  After all, the couch I had in college came to me saggy and stained and I had no problem passing out on that several nights a week.

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

Perhaps technology would be better used keeping my ass from sagging instead.

Now that I’ve shown you the best items “As Seen On TV” has to offer, head on over to their website and fill up your shopping cart.

Yes, they have a website despite their repeated assertions you can only get the item if you call within the next 15 minutes.

I guess maybe we can’t trust whatever we see on TV.

As seen on tv

WHY ARE THEY IN RED RAIN COATS?! photo credit: PNG's e etc... via photopin cc

WHY ARE THEY IN RED RAIN COATS?!
photo credit: PNG’s e etc… via photopin cc

I’ve got an addiction and it’s super embarrassing.  No, it’s not an addiction to Fro Yo.  You already know about that.  Plus, it’s written all over my hips.

I’m talking about a television show addiction.  Before I tell you about it, please don’t judge.  Please keep in mind I’ve been home sick and not able to do much, so I’ve turned to the only thing I can to keep me occupied:  Netflix.

I’ve tried other programming.  I really have.  I’ve watched “big girl” shows like “Scandal” and “House of Cards” but those were only the beginning…a gateway if you will.  And now?  Now it might be too late.

I’ve gone off the television deep end.  I can’t stop watching “Pretty Little Liars.”

I’ll give you a moment to let this news sink in.  It’s a bit of a bomb I’ve dropped and I’ll allow time for the dust to settle for you to continue on.  I realize I’m normally sophisticated and regal, which is what makes this especially difficult to absorb.

Believe me, no one is more shocked or embarrassed about this than me.  It’s not at all what I expected.  Maybe in retrospect the signs of addiction were there and I just missed them.

photo credit: paulaenamarie via photopin cc

photo credit: paulaenamarie via photopin cc

Maybe I should have known that an addiction to “Gossip Girl” would lead to other shows.  I don’t know.  Maybe I just didn’t want to see it.

I didn’t stumble upon this addiction without some help from my friend.  Or maybe she isn’t my friend at all.  Pajama Jeans (not her real name) has been trying to get me to watch this for years.  She’s such a pusher.

Just try it once and see if you like it,” she said.  Isn’t that always how they get you?  The first taste is free…or in this case, the whole meal is free because I subscribe to Netflix streaming.

photo credit: nordhofsweden via photopin cc

photo credit: nordhofsweden via photopin cc

Either way, here I am, in the middle of season 1 and wanting more.  I can’t get enough.

Before you judge me too much, remember that this is a show that’s on ABC Family.  You know, the channel that’s brought you other television greats like….well….nothing.

You’re probably wondering if the acting is good.  Not really.  You’re wondering if there are celebrities in it that make it worth while.  Not unless you count that C-list actor Chad Lowe, who hasn’t produced any good acting since he played Becca’s HIV positive boyfriend on “Life Goes On.

photo credit: PNG's e etc... via photopin cc

photo credit: PNG’s e etc… via photopin cc

Yes, I just worked that show into this post.

Maybe it’s the theme song that sucked me in.  It’s catchy and it sticks with me all day long (mostly because I hear it every 45 minutes when a new episode plays).

So judge me if you must, but I can’t help my addiction and I can’t turn back now.  I’ve got too much at stake and I don’t have any other shows to watch.  I’ve got to stick with it.  I need to stick with it.

But don’t even think about confronting me about addiction in public.  I won’t talk about it and I’ll deny the whole thing.  I don’t want to be associated with this ugly addiction.  I will lie, and I will lie convincingly.

Come to think of it, I guess this makes me a pretty little liar too.

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Wanna read more of my stuff?  I’m in these books.  They’re hilarious.

I Just Want to Be Alone

You’ve Got Lipstick on Your Teeth

I’m also on NickMom with these new pieces

What a Phrase Means in Your 20s Versus What it Means In Your 30s

Schedule for Flossing

photo credit: Gage Skidmore via photopin cc

photo credit: Gage Skidmore via photopin cc

I just finished watching the entire series of “Breaking Bad.”  Coincidentally, I also began my life-long love of all things that are Aaron Paul.

The two are most definitely related.

Aaron Paul plays one of the main “Breaking Bad” characters, Jesse Pinkman.  Jesse is an aimless druggie who can’t find his way to anything other than a one-hitter box.  Although, I’m sure he could find himself to another kind of box..if you know what I’m saying. <wink wink.>

Yes, that was a crass joke.  I’m writing a post about why a guy who plays a drug dealer is an ideal boyfriend.  I’m not sure why you’d be surprised with a little play on the word “box.”

With every season of “Breaking Bad,” my love for Aaron Paul grew.  The show was amazing and brilliant, as were the double entendres I made during each episode.  Some of those were just downright fantastic.

photo credit: Gage Skidmore via photopin <a

photo credit: Gage Skidmore via photopin <a

What drew me back to the show each time was not only the plot twists, but the amazingly attractive meth-cook, Jesse Pinkman (played by Aaron Paul).

What is it about him that makes him so dreamy? It’s not just that he’s extremely good looking.  That helps, although that’s not the only reason I’d buy whatever Aaron was selling…even if it was blue crystal meth.

It’s that he has so many other qualities that make him so appealing.

He plays a bad boy, which isn’t something I’m normally into, but I found myself wanting to be bad just because it felt so good.

For those reasons, I made a list of why Aaron Paul would be the perfect boyfriend.  One glance at him tells you he’s crazy good looking, so that’s not even going to make the list of reasons he’s perfect.  Duh.  That’s too obvious.

1.  He’s supportive

http://instagram.com/p/etMqL9uIDT/

http://instagram.com/p/etMqL9uIDT/

There are so many times over the years he has yelled out “Yeah, bitch!”  In fact, when the show won the Golden Globe in 2014 for Best Drama, he accepted the award by yelling this endearing phrase.

What better way to support someone than to yell “Yeah bitch!” when they do something great?

Empty the dishwasher?  “Yeah bitch!

Get a promotion?  “Yeah bitch!

Want to order pizza for dinner instead of cooking?  “Yeah bitch!

Are you sensing a theme?  You should.  It’s support.

2.  He’s a good cook

is the perfect boyfriendI can’t say this for sure, but the meth addicts seem to think he makes good $hit, and I hear they’re pretty picky when it comes to their smack.

He’s also meticulous about having his cooking utensils cleaned properly, which is good, as mama likes a clean kitchen.

I’m not sure if his specialty is just moon juice, or if  he has other signature dishes, but I’d be willing to find out.

That guy knows his way around a kitchen, and by “kitchen” I mean “my lady parts.”

I’d let him heat things up any day.

3.  He’s good with kids

Aaron Paul with baby

http://youtu.be/Hq-gl0N3kxY

Look at how happy he is with this kid…and it’s a kid he doesn’t even know!  I can only imagine how he would nuzzle a kid when it was his own.  (I can also imagine how he would nuzzle me to make that kid.  I imagine that a lot.)

Not only does he seem comfortable around the kid, the kid seems comfortable around him as well. The kid is practically burying itself into his face.

Actually, I would do the same thing. That beard is just asking for nuzzling.

I’ve never wanted kids but I’d be willing to have them if they were with Aaron Paul.  I think we would have to start trying immediately. We’d practice a lot.

4.  He looks good in a uniform

photo credit: InstantColor via photopin cc

photo credit: InstantColor via photopin cc

Everyone loves a man in uniform, and once again, Aaron Paul delivers.

No one wears a haz-mat suit quite like he does.  Look at the way that yellow makes his face glisten.  He’s positively radiant.

And what else?  HE’S HOLDING A DIFFERENT FRICKING BABY!  (See #3 above for why that’s so awesome).

I never thought haz-mat suits were sexy until Aaron Paul came along.  Why would I?  How many times do you look at your local sewer worker knee-high in waste and think “I’d like to rip that suit off of him and get him really dirty.”

Hopefully not often, but if you do, I’m not here to judge.

Now, however, I see that yellow haz-mat suit in a whole new light…and it’s not just light from the radioactive materials.

5.  He smells really good

photo credit: gdcgraphics via photopin cc

photo credit: gdcgraphics via photopin cc

Okay, I don’t know about this one, but I’d love to find out personally.  (HINT: Aaron Paul….let me sniff you.)  He just looks like someone who would smell good.  Right?

I imagine he smells like a forest on a spring day, with just the right mix of pine needles, musk, and Axe body spray.  I’ve tried to recreate the smell with car air fresheners, but I haven’t been able to get it just right.

Maybe I should get the air fresheners from Walt’s car wash.  They probably have a Pinkman scent.  I bet it would be in the shape of a beaker.

I could go on with more reasons why Aaron Paul would be the best boyfriend ever, but I don’t want to convince any of you to go after him.  He’s mine, so hands off.

And what about the fact I’m already married?  No worries.  Matt is cool with my relationship with Aaron Paul, as he knows love knows no bounds (or in the case, it knows nothing based in reality).

Pssst!  Aaron!  Call me.

single male seeks pregnant womanI was perusing the interwebs at 2:00 .am. the other day, looking for photos of Ryan Gosling in a Speedo intellectual articles, when I happened upon this gem of a story.

There’s a show coming to the WE Network that’s called Pregnant and Dating.

Yes, you read that right.  It’s a show about pregnant women looking for love in all the wrong places.  One of those places is clearly in the pants of someone other than their baby-daddy.

Their wallets.  The place women are looking for love is in men’s wallets, which are usually in the pants.

You’re such a perv.  Can you just focus on the story?

So many things went through my mind when I saw this article, the first of which was to remember to take my birth control pill immediately.  Pregnancy is no laughing matter, except if it’s on WE, apparently.

After that, the questions really began to fly.

First of all, is it really on WE?  Seriously?  Women’s Entertainment Network is sponsoring a show about pregnant women dating?  Shouldn’t that network focus on programming featuring shirtless men?  Wouldn’t that be more up the alley of women’s entertainment?

Come to think of it, Women’s Entertainment Network could really just be a 24 hour loop of men trying to clean toilets, change diapers and bake casseroles.

Now that’s entertainment.

But really, WE?  What about a pregnant woman trying to snag a guy before she pushes a kid out her hoo-ha is entertainment for women?  I would think women would be appalled or offended by this sort of thing; not entertained by it.

Allow me to clarify:  I would think normal women would be appalled or offended by this sort of thing.  I, however, found it hilariously awesome; but I’m certainly not normal.  Regular?  Yes.  Normal?  No.

And what kind of man deliberately looks for a woman knocked up with someone else’s kid?  It’s either a guy with a fetish or a guy with mommy issues.  There are no other logical* explanations.

*In this case, logical = non-creepy.

No need for these!  Just kidding.  STDs are NO laughing matter. photo credit: grafixtek via photopin cc

No need for these! Just kidding. STDs are NO laughing matter.
photo credit: grafixtek via photopin cc

The only reasoning I can come up with for why men deliberately seek out pregnant women is because they know these moms-to-be are easy dates.

Literally, they’re easy.  They put out.

After all, the proof is in the pudding and in this case, the pudding is the uterus.  Isn’t that how the metaphor goes?

Perhaps these men figure all they have to do is buy dinner and iced tea for the pregnant lady and she’ll immediately turn into a sex machine.  What they don’t realize is she will immediately turn into a machine but the product she churns out won’t be sex.

It will be flatulence.  Lots and lots of flatulence.

photo credit: ~C4Chaos via photopin cc

photo credit: ~C4Chaos via photopin cc

It will be an eye-watering surprise I’d like to witness, so in that respect, perhaps WE has the right idea.

I also hope WE has air freshener, as pregnant farts can be quite ripe.

These men also probably suspect pregnant women are cheap dates since they don’t drink alcohol while they’re pregnant…or at least I hope they don’t drink alcohol while they’re pregnant.

What these guys don’t understand is whatever money they save on booze, they will spend on appetizers, meals, desserts, post-dessert meals and midnight servings of ribs.  And it will be a full slab of ribs; none of that half slab business.

This photo is awesome and creepy for the exact same reasons. photo credit: 倪貝兒 via photopin cc

This photo is awesome and creepy for the exact same reasons.
photo credit: 倪貝兒 via photopin cc

Come to think of it, that’s just a description of what it was like to date me, except I took the booze too.

I can’t imagine the caliber of men wanting to date these knocked up chicks is particularly high.

In all actuality, perhaps that’s why they’re trying to snag pregnant women instead of non-pregnant women; because women not growing human life in their uteri find them repulsive.  Perhaps these men assume a pregnant woman has a strong nurturing instinct, so she may take pity date them.

See what I mean?  Mommy issues.

I can’t imagine what kind of shit show this program will be, and I haven’t decided if I’m going to tune in or not.  On the one hand, I want to see who these people are, and what their reasoning is for such ridiculousness.

On the other hand, I’d still like to believe there are some normal people in the world, and I’m confident this program would seal the deal in convincing me that all people are crazy.

Except for me, of course.  I’m not crazy.  I’m totally normal.

I feel like there's a joke here about either doing it or plunging a toilet.  I'll let you decide. photo credit: cjggbella via photopin cc

I feel like there’s a joke here about either doing it or plunging a toilet. I’ll let you decide.
photo credit: cjggbella via photopin cc