Dear forty-something mom at the pool,
Yes, I’m talking to you, with the bleached blond hair that only partially hides the gray, and the mammoth glass of water that I’m pretty sure is spiked with something illegal. I’ve been meaning to tell you a few things, and with the close of summer, now is the perfect time.
So scoot your low rider lounge chair over this way and listen up. I would tell you to take notes but I wouldn’t want to ruin your manicure and I’m pretty sure you won’t be able to spell half the things in this letter, so I will read it aloud to you. (That means “out loud.”)
1. You don’t need more sun.
Throw on a hat and some SPF because your skin looks like it could be sold at a bike shop as chaps and a belt. And those aren’t freckles, they’re sun spots, and although you believe you’ve been kissed by the sun, that isn’t true. Judging by your crow’s feet, you’ve been dry humped really hard by the sun and then left outside to dry.
Instead of more sun you need binoculars and walkie talkies to locate your children. Do you know where they are? I’m not their babysitter because I can’t stand your kids and I’m assuming the pay sucks. I don’t want to be responsible for kids, which is why I keep up to date on my birth control. You should probably do the same.
So put down the Tiger Beat magazine and locate your children. When you find them, slap them for me. Not necessarily because they’re doing anything bad at the moment, but because I’m sure they deserve it.
2. Your kids aren’t adorable and I hate all of their pool antics.
You might think it’s cute for your kids to splash around in the pool, yelping and screaming. I don’t. Teach your kid to swim. Flailing around in the water is neither cute nor fun to watch and your kids’ high pitched screams are going to break my vodka glass, which will result in a wrath you don’t want to see. So get your kids to swimming lessons so they will shut up and swim correctly. But then again, natural selection might just play out here…
Never mind. Return to the crossword puzzle in Star magazine you find so challenging. (And the words you are looking for are “washed up.” They are the answer to #21 across, which asks “What’s 8 letters to describe the pathetic woman at the pool.”)
3. Get a bathing suit for a woman over twenty.
You might think you have a smoking hot body (and you probably do), but that heat you feel isn’t coming from your hot body, it’s the early onset of menopause. So cover up your c-section scars and don a one-piece. Your husband doesn’t want to see your deflated boobs and neither do I.
Believe it or not, they actually sell bathing suits in the adult section of Target. Yeah. They actually have an adult section at Target. Go there immediately.
4. Stop reading “Twilight” books.
You’re not a teenager and you’re old enough to be Edward’s mom (and yes, I know he’s a 111 year old vampire). No one cares if you’re Team Edward or Team Jacob. You’re about to be Team AARP. Put the book down and pick up the sunscreen. (See #1 above for more details.)
5. Stop talking with fellow moms about your “charity work.”
We all know you don’t have a job. Your bronze skin and beach body tells us you have plenty of time to GTL just like the kids on Jersey Shore (and you’re almost as annoying as they are). But let’s not pretend you dedicate your life to good deeds. Yes, you may recycle and you also might donate last season’s Gucci bag to the homeless, but you’re far from a philanthropist. If you were so charitable, you would do the world a favor and sterilize yourself so you would stop bringing more brats into the world.
And look up. Your kid is putting his boogers on the lining of the pool. You’ve got a real genius there…
So there you go; those are some of the things I’ve been meaning to get off my chest for some time now about you. Now, if you’ll excuse me, me and my swim dress are going to lay in the shade with a Jane Austin novel and pretend the world isn’t full of idiots. Oh yeah, in order to make that happen, vodka will be involved.