signs you're not a gardenerSpring is in the air, which means your eyes are puffy from pollen and you go from using your heater to your air conditioner all in the span of 24 hours.

For as long as I can remember, my parents spent the weekends in the spring and summer cultivating their gardens (and their wine habit). I always assumed I would follow in their footsteps, albiet those steps were stepping stones in a sea of green grass.

However, for some reason I missed the gardening-loving gene, although I did inherit the wine habit.

I learned the hard way that I didn’t have a green thumb. Unfortunately, my hostas and my manicure fell victim to this lesson.

However, in the hopes of saving the world from unnecessary manicure massacres, I’ve compiled a list to help you figure out if you’re a gardener or not.

1.  You think buying plant food means ordering a salad.

http://giphy.com

2.  You like your garden clean and free of dirt.

3.  You prefer to do all gardening indoors.

 

4.  You think a spade is only something in a deck of cards.

 

5.  Wearing gloves isn’t enough to convince you to touch dirt.

 

6.  You can’t keep your artificial plants alive.

 

7.  You don’t look good in hats and your skin is far too delicate for direct sunlight.

8.  You always tip over the watering can.

9.  Even drawings of flowers make you break out in hives.

 

10.  You think gardening is sexy only when it’s done by the sexy hunk you hired.

 

Hopefully this list helped you decide if you have a green thumb.  Personally, it’s not the thumb I think of when I think of gardening.

It’s another finger entirely…


Other places on the web this week where I’m cracking people up!

8 Ridiculously Petty Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

10 “Wierd” Things That Couples Do That Are Totally Normal

 

Christmas EveFor those of you who regularly read this blog, you know my husband frequently says some funny $hit.  You also know that I’m a complete fricking mess and the biggest mystery of all is why my husband stays with me.

That’s a different post for a different day.  I suspect a mental health professional(s) will be needed for that analysis.

Whenever my husband says something particularly inspiring ridiculous funny, I write it down in my phone so I can refer to it later.

Okay, I don’t actually write it down, but I type it into my phone, cursing the iPhone for not knowing what I want to type and cursing my mom for giving me fat fingers.

I suffer through all of this so I can write one of these fabulous posts that you all love so much.  You’re welcome.

So here are more funny things my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.  Yes, all of these are true, and yes, I also can’t believe he wasn’t snatched up before I found him.

The religious type

While driving around looking for a parking spot in a nearly full lot, my husband saw an open spot and went to pull into it.  He then saw the sign stating it was  “Clergy Parking Only.”

Matt:  “Damnit clergy!”

DSC00319Master of Puns

Matt:  “Who was that?”

Lisa:  “Someone wanting us to switch our credit card to a zero interest card for 9 months.”

Matt:  “Did you tell her we had zero interest in that plan? ” (grins sheepishly)

Vegetable lover

After not receiving his pad Thai with vegetables,

Matt: “I don’t need any of those bullshit veggies in my way.”

Financial Planner

Matt:  “I wish we had millions. I’d buy a f*cking wave runner. I’ve always wanted a wave runner.”

DSC00937Timeless Classic

While looking at shrubs for sale at the store, and staring at the shrubbery/bushes.

Matt:  “That’s a big bush. Like 1970s bush.”

Inspirational Coach

Matt:  “Did you ever read that thing I sent you via email?

Lisa:  “No, what was it?”

Matt: “It was uplifting, goddamn it.”

Trend Setter

Matt:  “I had a fanny pack when I was younger. It was cool and I put my Velcro wallet in it.

DSC00463Fun Police

Matt:  “Why is that guy being so loud?

Lisa: “He’s just trying to have fun.”

Matt:  “He’s doing it wrong.”

Androgynous

Lisa:  “I like this bedspread. It’s not masculine but it’s not feminine either.”

Matt:  “Aw, you just described me.”

Friend to Everyone

Matt:  “He’s a nice guy.”

Lisa:  “He defriended me on FB.”

Matt:  “F*ck that guy.”

Sound Machine

Matt:  “I’m just laying here making noises. Why is that creepy?”

Aren’t you inspired?  Me too.  I’m sure there are more, but my fat fingers just couldn’t record the comments fast enough.  That, and I didn’t want to put down my ice cream to type with both  hands.

I just wasn’t willing to make that sacrifice.

Don’t worry, though.  There will be more of these.  There always are.

funny crap my husband says, May 2013