Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com -Yesterday Matt and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. And by “celebrated” I mean we took a nap after work, went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall Thai place, watched “Game of Thrones” and were in bed by 9:30.

What? That’s not what you were thinking was a perfect way to celebrate a 5th year of marital bliss?

So I assume you will forgive me for being a day late on what is clearly my readers’ favorite blog post of the month. Last month was definitely my favorite but Matt said some real gems this month too. He’s really out doing himself.

I won’t make you read my words anymore and will just get you to the crack that is this monthly column. Enjoy!

Supportive Husband

Lisa:  “I need to go to the gym. I need you to make me go to the gym whenever you go.”
Matt:  “Ok.”
Lisa:  “I mean it. Don’t make me go, but–
Matt:  “Sweetie, I understand the fine line I’m walking here.”

Music Fanatic

Lisa:  “That song is catchy.”
Matt:  “Yeah.  Like Goddamned syphilis.”

photo 3Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “I’m going to turn off the light. Can you use a book light to read?”
Lisa:  “Um. Ok.”
Matt:  “I don’t want to resent you if you leave it on, but this light hurts my eyes.”

Multi-tasker

Matt:  “There’s just not enough hours in the day…to get in all the sleep I want.”

Health Nut

Matt:  “We need to eat more legumes.”
Lisa:  “You don’t like them. It’s beans and stuff.”
Matt:  “I like some of them. I like jelly legumes.”

Attention to detail

Lisa:  “Did you see I finally framed that photo and put it up?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I noticed it yesterday but didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how long it had been up.”

Manly Man

Lisa:  “Why don’t you use that Caress body wash in the shower?”
Matt:  “I don’t think Caress can handle my body odor. I sweat like a man.”

photo 2Articulate

Matt:  “Where are the things and the stuff?”

Neat freak

Lisa:  “What’s with this stain on the floor?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I tried to clean it. I didn’t try that hard.”

Party Pooper

Matt:  <he says out of nowhere> “You know what I was never a fan of?”
Lisa:  “What?”
Matt:  “The hokey pokey. I just didn’t see what all the hype was about.”

Friend To All

Lisa:  “…and that’s why people like her.”
Matt:  “What?! People love me! I mean, except for that bitch.”

Pillow Talker

Matt:  “We have to get up. If I lay here much longer I’m going to fall asleep.
Lisa:  “Our stimulating conversation can’t keep you awake?”
Matt:  “No, it won’t.”

Lisa and Matt date nightAttention To Detail

Matt:  “Ah! I have dried shaving cream in my ear. Ah! It’s in my other ear. That’s not good. I had meetings today!”

Martyr

Lisa:  <after explaining why he has to use both body wash and soap>  “It’s exhausting being you isn’t it?”
Matt:  “Yeah. Why do you think I’m tired all the time?”

Excellent Coworker

Matt:  “I have to bring a rotisserie to a potluck tomorrow.”
Lisa:  “Thanks for not offering me to make a ham like you did last time. It’s a lot of work.”
Matt:  “How would you know? You never made it.”

Friend of Fashion

Matt:  “You have a stain on your shirt.”
Lisa:  “Really? Is it noticeable?”
Matt:  “Not more than your other shirts.”

Honest Spouse

Lisa:  <Hears a smash in the basement.> “Did I just hear something break?”
Matt:  <Coming from the sound of the smash>  “No.  Hey, did you break this vase down here?”

Modest

Matt:  “It takes a lot to keep up with this beauty.  Some might think it’s easy, but it takes work.”

weddingLover of Children (But Not In A Creepy Way)

Matt:  “That kid has been playing by himself for two hours. It’s sad as shit.”

Considerate of Others’ Problems

Lisa:  “I’m still mad at you for throwing out those flowerpots.”
Matt:  “Sounds like a YP and not a MP.”
Lisa:  “What’s that?”
Matt:  “A ‘your problem’ not ‘my problem.'”

photo 1 (3)Accepting of Others

Matt:  “I didn’t know you were running for judicial office……Miss Judgey.”

Frugal Shopper

Lisa:  “If I had a truck I would pick up so much free stuff from Craigslist.”
Matt:  “You don’t need to buy a bunch of stuff.
Lisa:  “I wouldn’t buy it. It would be free.”
Matt:  “I know. I didn’t say ‘buy.'”
Lisa:   “Yes you did. You said ‘buy.'”
Matt:  “I’m saying ‘bye’ to this conversation.”

All joking aside, happiest of anniversaries to my beloved husband.  I really do adore him!

Which was your favorite?

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Other places I’m on the web this week!

9 Things Your Husband Does That Should Be Sexy But Totally Aren’t

8 Ridiculously Petty (And Funny) Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

Woohoo!  The 10 Stages of Getting Wedding Drunk (As Told Through Funny Gifs)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends (But Never Her Husband) 

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

Why you shouldn't watch theEveryone is all a titter about the many “50 Shades of Grey” trailers and teasers.  People are getting their panties in a wad, and then promptly throwing them on the floor.

The trailers are intended to make us salivate for the new movie, but all some of them do do is remind us why we hate car commercials and bad song remakes.

Click here to see it.  Think twice.  Seriously.

The entire trailer is set to a version of “Wicked Game” that will make you want to poke your eyes out, which is just as good, because then you wouldn’t have to watch the rest of the teaser.

Most of it is varying shots of expensive items like watches and cars.  It looks like a commercial for cheap cologne where the horrible stench actually permeates your screen and punches you in the face.

Come to think of it, you deserve that punch if you continue watching this trailer for more than a minute.

In this specific trailer there are numerous close-up shots of a sports car, which makes you think it’s a car commercial, but then you realize those have more excitement than this trailer brings.

The few shots of the actors are often blurry, which is probably for the best, as they reveal absolutely nothing about the plot.

If I hadn’t subjected myself to reading this poorly written book, I’d have no idea what the movie was about.

Come to think of it, that’s probably why it’s done this way.  I don’t know how else they would convey “This book was pure sh*t” better than making a trailer promoting expensive items and luxury.

With that said, will I go see the movie?  Duh.

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Where else I’m on the web this week

Want to see a real back-to-school shopping list that’s way more accurate?  This is what you should buy this year.

Robin Williams’ suicide inspired me to talk about the suicide attempt I’ve never discussed

Your favorite PSAs from the 90s!

A serious piece about the Michael Brown Shootings and Ferguson Riots

ninja momChildrens’ books are often annoying and ridiculous; especially when read five times every night. Every.  Fricking.  Night.

So in order to help us to cope with these obnoxious tales, Nicole Leigh Shaw of Ninja Mom Blog has a Character Assassination Carousel over at http://www.ninjamomblog.com/ that makes it all better.  It’s a monthly murder of a children’s book by mockery.  Don’t worry, it’s a clean kill, so there’s no messy clean up.

Each month a new assassin takes his/her best shot at a ridiculous children’s book.  Last month Social Butterfly Mom mocked “Yankee Doodle” and did an excellent job.  You can find it here. http://www.chicagonow.com/social-butterfly-mom/2014/07/character-assassination-carousel-yankee-doodle/

This month, I’m mocking “Whats Up In The Attic?”

Yeah, I know.  There’s a lot of material so let’s get started

 

maybe we don't want to know...We all know Bert and Ernie from their rubber ducky antics in the bathtub. Unfortunately, that’s not the way anyone wants to become famous, but them’s the breaks.  When you’re so obsessed with a rubber toy that you make a song out of it, you’re bound to turn some heads.

Many of those heads simply turn away because they don’t like seeing a puppet in a bathtub.

Looking back through the other assassinated books from The Carousel, I noticed Bert and Ernie and their bathing fetish weren’t represented adequately.

I’ve decided to right that wrong by making this month’s assassinated characters the infamous Bert and Ernie themselves (sans bubbles).

I chose “What’s Up In The Attic?” as the book I’m going to brutally rip apart this week.  There are many reasons I chose this literary wonder, but mostly because it makes it so easy to make this next joke about Bert and Ernie:

Why are you guys looking at what’s in the attic? Shouldn’t you guys be looking in the closet?

BOOM!  Yes, I picked this book solely to make that joke, but it was worth it.  Totally.  Worth.  It.

This assassination is done by the mother reading the book to her kids, so it’s told from her point of view.  Fortunately for you, you can enjoy it without the smell of moth balls assaulting your nostrils.

Enjoy!

You guys need to find something to do today because it’s a rainy day and you’re driving me nuts.  Yes, the cable is out because of the storm (or because I forgot to pay the bill.  Both are equally logical explanations).

Regardless, you need to make your own adventure today, but not in a way that destroys my living room.

Because I need to get something from the attic, and because I want to wear you guys out, I’ll take you with me. I know reading this book to you isn’t going to tire you sufficiently, so let’s go up to our attic and see what we can find there.

We’ll read the book as we go.  Just don’t touch anything, and please, for the love of God, don’t put anything in your mouths.  Got it?

“What’s that in this box?” you ask.  It’s a box of mommy’s skimpy bar-hopping clothes from before she had kids…or inhibitions.  These short skirts helped mommy pay for college because she always drank for free at the clubs.

Oddly enough, these clothes directly contributed to your arrival on this earth.

Those?  Those are Daddy’s magazines that Mommy won’t let him look at.  He doesn’t want to part with them so Mommy pretends not to know he has them up here.  Let’s keep that a secret.

Yes, there’s an old crusty t-shirt in with those magazines. Don’t ask and DON’T touch it.

Be careful of what else is up here: Spiders. A shit ton of spiders. Don’t try to befriend them. Some of them are mean and none of them are as nice as Charlotte from “Charlotte’s Web.”

Wait. What are you—did I not just tell you to stay away from them? And those are spider webs not cotton candy. Get down from there. Jesus!

Oh that? That’s mommy’s stash of candy that she keeps away from everyone. Oh shit. Yes, that is cotton candy but it’s not yours.

That pink stuff on the ground?  That’s insulation, at least a little bit of it. Daddy needs to get on this project and add a lot more up here.  Mommy has been telling him to do it for a year.  This fluffy pink stuff that’s super thin is why mommy doesn’t let you open the door during when the air conditioning is on.

Are you—-are you seriously trying to eat the insulation? It’s not cotton candy! NOTHING UP HERE IS COTTON CANDY!

You know what?  Let’s look at the book.  It says Ernie found some of his marbles.  If you ask me, he lost those marbles years ago and finding them in a raccoon’s hat isn’t going to bring them back.  That guy had WAY too much fun with the rubber ducky, with or without his marbles.

photo credit: buckofive via photopin cc

photo credit: buckofive via photopin cc

Plus, I bet that crap is SUPER dusty.

Look.  We have marbles up here just like Ernie.  Are you?  Are you seriously putting those marbles in your mouth?

What are you laughing at?  Those are pictures of mommy when her boobs didn’t look like socks with tennis balls in them and she couldn’t carry a trapper keeper in the crease between her leg and butt.

Yes, her hair looks funny, mostly because she wasn’t trying to pull it out because of kids trying to eat…damnit!

STOP WITH THE COTTON CANDY.

Let’s look back to the book again.  Oh look! Bert found a pigeon feather.

I’m not even going to comment on the disease that probably accompanies that feather or the crazy reason he felt it necessary to save a pigeon feather for years.

Bert may be a little deranged so let’s not pay attention to anything he finds.  I’m afraid there are other dead animal parts.

Let’s look back at our attic.  What are those?  Those are boxes of mommy’s school stuff. Ignore the red writing and all the Cs that are written on the papers. When I was a kid a C was an A and I was an overachiever. Reach for the stars.

Okay, the book is over and Bert and Ernie are dragging all the crap they found down to their house and using it to decorate.  You, however, are not allowed to bring anything downstairs.

Me?  Oh, don’t mind me.  I’m just grabbing one of these old miniskirts.  It’s for Daddy.

ninja momFrickety Frick, people!  I’m this month’s assassin in the Character Assassination Carousel over at http://www.ninjamomblog.com/.  She’s a big deal and has a hilarious blog and I’m actually still in shock that she enlisted me to be an assassin.  I wonder if I get paid in Skittles.

I wonder if I can get paid in Skittles.

In case you’re not “in the know,” The Character Assassination Carousel is a monthly murder of a children’s book.  Don’t worry, it’s a clean kill, so there’s no messy clean up.

Each month a new assassin takes his/her best shot at a ridiculous children’s book.  This month, I’m mocking “Where’s Waldo?

I know, it’s an easy target, but I’m an easy girl.

Wait…that came out wrong…

ENJOY!

WHERE’S WALDO? 

Where's Waldo-I don’t have kids, which is probably for the best, but doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my monthly subscription to Highlights Magazine, or an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.  (He lives in a Pineapple, people!  UNDER THE SEA!)

If only enjoying children’s TV shows could get me into the pre-boarding spot at the airport.  Apparently you actually have to have kids with you for that.  Pfft!

Despite my lack of little ones, I still enjoy the beloved “Where’s Waldo?” books***.  Why wouldn’t I?  Each edition is visually stimulating, and even more maddening than the next.

***NOTE:  If any of you would like to peruse one of these fine pieces of literature, I would recommend purchasing one for yourself.  In my experience, parents frown upon strangers looking over their child’s shoulder pointing out Waldo.  This activity can get you escorted out of the airport and placed on some sort of watch list.  Hypothetically, of course.***

photo credit: rhett maxwell via photopin cc

photo credit: rhett maxwell via photopin cc

However, with my love of tracking down the elusive Waldo comes a series of questions.  I’m demanding answers and hoping to get more than “Because Waldo is awesome.” (Thanks for that enlightening tid-bit, Mom.)

I deserve better than that, and so do the fine kids who are looking for him.

For those of you not on the same heightened literary plane as me, “Where’s Waldo?” is a series of picture books where the reader is summoned to find Waldo in a sea of people, places and things.

It’s harder than it sounds, as Waldo is a master of disguise, which is probably why his books have been so successful; his mortgage payment depends on not being able to locate him easily.

So the first obvious question I have is “Where’s Waldo?”  Although you may be able to locate him on paper, as far as I know, no one has ever met this mysterious fellow.  We’ve only seen his meme.

photo credit: palindrome6996 via photopin cc

photo credit: palindrome6996 via photopin cc

Does he ever go out in public as himself?  He doesn’t do book signings or publicity junkets, which truly speaks volumes to the success of his books.  Most publicists demand such things to drive sales.  Maybe he just doesn’t need it.

Really though, where is he?

Honestly, I hope he’s in prison, because that guy is probably a pedophile and shouldn’t be featured in children’s books anyway.

Something about him hiding in plain sight just creeps me out and makes me wonder if he’s housing a stash of fingers in a hope chest in his basement.

If no one has ever met him, do we know if he’s a real person? Maybe he’s the mythical Keyser Soze of children’s books.**

**Where’s Waldo? books are not only children’s books.  They’re also books for a highly sophisticated writer who writes a fascinating and hilarious blog http://lisanewlin.com.  I’m just saying.

photo credit: Carolyn Coles via photopin cc

photo credit: Carolyn Coles via photopin cc

Since we don’t know who he is, the next logical question is “Why, Waldo?  Why are you hiding?

The first reason that comes to mind is that he’s on the lamb.  For what?  I’m not sure, but I have a feeling it has to do with loan sharking.  I just have a hunch.

Trust me on this.

Why is he so intent on hiding?  I suspect it’s because he’s wanted by Interpol, which would make sense, as his travels span many continents.  Has anyone ever considered looking at his passport?  Is his name listed as only “Waldo” and nothing more?

How did he get to be so good at hiding?  What do we know about this Waldo guy, anyway?  We allow his likeness to come into our homes and sit on our coffee tables and backs of toilets, yet we know so little about him and his profession.

Is he a spy?  Where did he get his mad hiding skills?  Was it from years of playing hide and seek with his siblings?  Does he have siblings?  Did he assassinate them at a young age?  Is that why he’s on the lamb?

Now, I realize this next question may seem to be off topic, but follow it through.  “Why is he always wearing the same sweater?

It seems to me that if you want to blend in, wearing the same red and white striped sweater isn’t the best way to become a wallflower (unless you’re in a candy cane-themed room.  Then it’s truly the only way to become a wallflower).

photo credit: walknboston via photopin cc

photo credit: walknboston via photopin cc

Either way, I would think frequent costume changes would assist in avoiding detection.  Does he have several of those same sweaters, or is he just wearing the exact same outfit everyday?

I hope for everyone’s sake he has several of the same sweaters and he swaps them out every few days.

Otherwise, he’d be easy to locate based purely on body odor alone.  I suspect all that evading authorities would cause one to perspire, and if that sweater is a polyester blend, it will hold onto a stench until the end of time.

And what about those glasses?  Why not switch those up every now and again too?  I know the hipster look is in style at the moment (arguably), but shouldn’t he consider rocking some different frames to avoid detection?  Maybe he should get some contacts too.  Does he have a condition preventing a change in eyewear?  Those astigmatisms can be a real bitch.

And yet, despite all of my questions, he continues to evade all of us, and in a strange way, I say “Bravo to you, Waldo, if that is your real name.

On second thought, maybe he doesn’t skirt all of us.  Maybe it’s just my prying eyes he manages to avoid.  But then again, my eyes are usually filtered through a hazy film of vodka, so perhaps he isn’t as elusive as he thinks he is.

 

photo credit: Lynn Friedman via photopin <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/"

photo credit: Lynn Friedman via photopin

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I’m not sure if this is on the up-and-up to disclose other assassins, as I don’t know if assassins have an oath of silence.  I guess we will all find out soon if I mysteriously go missing.  For now, I shall ignore Omerta and tell you who the previous assassin was.  It was my friend Sarah at The Sadder But Wiser Girl.

Sadder but wiser

 

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com/

She’s guest posted on my page before, and she’s awesome and hilarious.  If you go visit her, and you should, tell her I sent you.  Please also tell her our secret code she knows you’re legit. It’s Character Assassin Carousel.

It’s so obvious no one will guess it.  Let’s keep that password our little secret.

Who is the next assassin?

http://moms.fortwayne.com/?q=blogs/blog/3-rivers-2-kids

Her name is Bonnie Blackburn.  The name alone suggests her character assassin will be brilliant!