Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com - (1)Hello my friends!  I am back from a long hiatus from blogging. I’m sure you missed me, but I’m sure you missed my husband more. It’s okay.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that my readers love my hubby more than they love me.  Then again, what’s not to love, especially when he says some of the things he says.

So let’s get to it.  I have a long list because it’s been a while since I’ve done this so settle in for some good laughs. And I’ll say it again….he’s all mine….be jealous.

Parking Expert

Matt: “People who back into parking spaces should be sterilized.”

Receptionist

Matt:  “You need to pick up your prescription from Walgreens. They keep calling me and leaving me angry messages.”
Lisa: “It’s a recording.”
Matt:  “She has a tone.”

photo 2 (14)Humble Husband

Lisa:  “You’re such a martyr.
Matt:  “No I’m not.” <whispers while looking down> “I’m just a really good guy.

Accepting of Others

Matt: <while watching some woman do something strange> “What’s this bitch doing? Aside from being a bitch?

Equine Expert

Lisa:  “Why do they say ‘I have to pee like a race horse?‘”
Matt:  “Because they have to pee a lot.”
Lisa: “But then why don’t they just go pee if they have to pee? Why wait?
Matt: “This conversation is boring.

photo 1 (13)Animal Lover

Lisa: <Observing Matt pushing around the outside plants with a broom> “What are you doing? Looking for critters like chipmunks?”
Matt:  “I don’t care about chipmunks. They’re awesome and fight danger in their spare time. I’m looking for snakes. Snakes serve no purpose.” <begins singing “Chip and Dale’s” theme song>

Partier

Matt:  “What do you want to do tonight? Well, not so much do as watch.

Compassionate Man

photo 3 (10)Matt:  “My eye is starting to droop. Oh no!
Lisa:Don’t talk to me about droopy eyes. I’ve had a droopy eye for a year.
Matt:  “It’s not a competition. Let me have this.”

Insightful

Matt:  “Remember that movie ‘The Land Before Time?’ When Little Leaf’s mom died and he saw his shadow and thought it was her so he started running to it and it kept getting smaller?
Lisa:Yes.
Matt:  “Who the hell wrote that? It’s some f*cked up sh*t.
Lisa:  “This is super random.”
Matt:  “What? I was just trying to make conversation.”

photo 2 (16)Non Judgmental

Matt:  “I’m telling you. That woman is awful. Exhibit B…For bitch.

Motivated Guy

Matt:  “I’m sleepy.
Lisa:  “You were in bed 3 hours ago.”
Matt:  “I know. I miss it.

Easily Impressed

Lisa:  “I just typed all of that on my phone without looking and there was no errors.
Matt:  “Yeah. You do that when you’re typing on the computer too. I think you think it impresses me.

photo (14)World History Expert

Matt:  “When The Italians invented pizza it was pepperoni.”
Lisa:  “You don’t know if that’s true.
Matt:  “You don’t know it’s not true.

Delightful Company

Lisa:  “You know, you’re no picnic yourself.”
Matt:  “I’m a picnic. I’m a picnic in goddamned Central Park.

Fashion Expert

Matt:  “Look at that guy’s hair. He looks like he stepped out of the 80sDo people even do their hair like that? Do hair stylists even do that to people?

photo 4 (1)Wordsmith

Matt:Where’s all this sass coming from? I didn’t know it was Sass-ur-day.

Patriotic

Matt:  “…Because we live in STL. Americas asshole.

Humble Man

Matt:  <cleaning glasses>
Lisa:  “Are those your regular glasses or your Warby Parker’s?”
Matt:  “Warby Parkers. ………I know.
Lisa:  “You know what?
Matt:  “I just thought you were going to say I looked good in them.

Christmas EveLightly Scented

Lisa:  “Wow. That’s a lot of cologne you just sprayed. Trying to impress someone?
Matt:  “No. I’m just not sure how dirty this shirt is.”

Sympathetic Citizen

Lisa:  “They still haven’t found those two guys who escaped from prison.”
Matt:  “I still haven’t found my glasses…I get it.

Fixer Of Things

Matt:  “The hose is flowing fine now….like my rhymes!”

Did you like this edition? Did it give you your Matt Newlin fix?  Which one was your favorite?

Matt in seattleYou know him as the witty guy who makes you laugh with unintentionally funny comments.  I know him as the guy who’s always trying to touch my boobs.

Either way, he’s back for the April edition of more “funny crap my husband says when he’s not at all trying to be funny.”

The only thing that would make these posts better would be if you could see his face immediately after he drops these nuggets of wisdom.  It’s even funnier than the nuggets themselves.

Dare Devil

Lisa: “I want to start a movement for adult ‘Double Dare.'”
Matt:  “They have that already. It’s called an orgy.”

IMG_4952Nature Lover

Matt: “I saw some squirrels either wrestling or doing a mating dance.
Lisa: “Did you watch it?”
Matt:  “No. If it was a mating dance I’d feel creepy.”

Keen Sense of Smell

Matt:  “Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt: “Oh god. Is that my fart I’m smelling? It’s horrible. It smells like dirty eggs.”

Non-judgmental Observer

Matt:  “Look at that couple. Couple of losers.”

Pessimist

Matt:  “All I ever asked was for you to accept me for who I am.”
Lisa:  “I thought you were going to go with ‘love you.'”
Matt:  <whispers and looks down> “I gave up on that long ago.”

IMG_5093D.A.R.E Advocate

Matt: “Meth: come for the weight loss stay for the tooth loss.”

Humble Guy

Matt: “No one is perfect. I have my faults.”
Lisa: “What are they?”
Matt: “I can’t think of any right now.”

Hipster

Matt: “I don’t understand kids today with their MySpace and their complicated pants.”

Penny Pincher

Matt: “There’s two things I don’t pay for: sex and parking.”

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Other places you can find me on the web this week

You can find me this week at NickMom talking about how preschools are just like wineries.

You can also buy the new book I’m in here.

ninja momFrickety Frick, people!  I’m this month’s assassin in the Character Assassination Carousel over at http://www.ninjamomblog.com/.  She’s a big deal and has a hilarious blog and I’m actually still in shock that she enlisted me to be an assassin.  I wonder if I get paid in Skittles.

I wonder if I can get paid in Skittles.

In case you’re not “in the know,” The Character Assassination Carousel is a monthly murder of a children’s book.  Don’t worry, it’s a clean kill, so there’s no messy clean up.

Each month a new assassin takes his/her best shot at a ridiculous children’s book.  This month, I’m mocking “Where’s Waldo?

I know, it’s an easy target, but I’m an easy girl.

Wait…that came out wrong…

ENJOY!

WHERE’S WALDO? 

Where's Waldo-I don’t have kids, which is probably for the best, but doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my monthly subscription to Highlights Magazine, or an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants.  (He lives in a Pineapple, people!  UNDER THE SEA!)

If only enjoying children’s TV shows could get me into the pre-boarding spot at the airport.  Apparently you actually have to have kids with you for that.  Pfft!

Despite my lack of little ones, I still enjoy the beloved “Where’s Waldo?” books***.  Why wouldn’t I?  Each edition is visually stimulating, and even more maddening than the next.

***NOTE:  If any of you would like to peruse one of these fine pieces of literature, I would recommend purchasing one for yourself.  In my experience, parents frown upon strangers looking over their child’s shoulder pointing out Waldo.  This activity can get you escorted out of the airport and placed on some sort of watch list.  Hypothetically, of course.***

photo credit: rhett maxwell via photopin cc

photo credit: rhett maxwell via photopin cc

However, with my love of tracking down the elusive Waldo comes a series of questions.  I’m demanding answers and hoping to get more than “Because Waldo is awesome.” (Thanks for that enlightening tid-bit, Mom.)

I deserve better than that, and so do the fine kids who are looking for him.

For those of you not on the same heightened literary plane as me, “Where’s Waldo?” is a series of picture books where the reader is summoned to find Waldo in a sea of people, places and things.

It’s harder than it sounds, as Waldo is a master of disguise, which is probably why his books have been so successful; his mortgage payment depends on not being able to locate him easily.

So the first obvious question I have is “Where’s Waldo?”  Although you may be able to locate him on paper, as far as I know, no one has ever met this mysterious fellow.  We’ve only seen his meme.

photo credit: palindrome6996 via photopin cc

photo credit: palindrome6996 via photopin cc

Does he ever go out in public as himself?  He doesn’t do book signings or publicity junkets, which truly speaks volumes to the success of his books.  Most publicists demand such things to drive sales.  Maybe he just doesn’t need it.

Really though, where is he?

Honestly, I hope he’s in prison, because that guy is probably a pedophile and shouldn’t be featured in children’s books anyway.

Something about him hiding in plain sight just creeps me out and makes me wonder if he’s housing a stash of fingers in a hope chest in his basement.

If no one has ever met him, do we know if he’s a real person? Maybe he’s the mythical Keyser Soze of children’s books.**

**Where’s Waldo? books are not only children’s books.  They’re also books for a highly sophisticated writer who writes a fascinating and hilarious blog http://lisanewlin.com.  I’m just saying.

photo credit: Carolyn Coles via photopin cc

photo credit: Carolyn Coles via photopin cc

Since we don’t know who he is, the next logical question is “Why, Waldo?  Why are you hiding?

The first reason that comes to mind is that he’s on the lamb.  For what?  I’m not sure, but I have a feeling it has to do with loan sharking.  I just have a hunch.

Trust me on this.

Why is he so intent on hiding?  I suspect it’s because he’s wanted by Interpol, which would make sense, as his travels span many continents.  Has anyone ever considered looking at his passport?  Is his name listed as only “Waldo” and nothing more?

How did he get to be so good at hiding?  What do we know about this Waldo guy, anyway?  We allow his likeness to come into our homes and sit on our coffee tables and backs of toilets, yet we know so little about him and his profession.

Is he a spy?  Where did he get his mad hiding skills?  Was it from years of playing hide and seek with his siblings?  Does he have siblings?  Did he assassinate them at a young age?  Is that why he’s on the lamb?

Now, I realize this next question may seem to be off topic, but follow it through.  “Why is he always wearing the same sweater?

It seems to me that if you want to blend in, wearing the same red and white striped sweater isn’t the best way to become a wallflower (unless you’re in a candy cane-themed room.  Then it’s truly the only way to become a wallflower).

photo credit: walknboston via photopin cc

photo credit: walknboston via photopin cc

Either way, I would think frequent costume changes would assist in avoiding detection.  Does he have several of those same sweaters, or is he just wearing the exact same outfit everyday?

I hope for everyone’s sake he has several of the same sweaters and he swaps them out every few days.

Otherwise, he’d be easy to locate based purely on body odor alone.  I suspect all that evading authorities would cause one to perspire, and if that sweater is a polyester blend, it will hold onto a stench until the end of time.

And what about those glasses?  Why not switch those up every now and again too?  I know the hipster look is in style at the moment (arguably), but shouldn’t he consider rocking some different frames to avoid detection?  Maybe he should get some contacts too.  Does he have a condition preventing a change in eyewear?  Those astigmatisms can be a real bitch.

And yet, despite all of my questions, he continues to evade all of us, and in a strange way, I say “Bravo to you, Waldo, if that is your real name.

On second thought, maybe he doesn’t skirt all of us.  Maybe it’s just my prying eyes he manages to avoid.  But then again, my eyes are usually filtered through a hazy film of vodka, so perhaps he isn’t as elusive as he thinks he is.

 

photo credit: Lynn Friedman via photopin <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/"

photo credit: Lynn Friedman via photopin

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I’m not sure if this is on the up-and-up to disclose other assassins, as I don’t know if assassins have an oath of silence.  I guess we will all find out soon if I mysteriously go missing.  For now, I shall ignore Omerta and tell you who the previous assassin was.  It was my friend Sarah at The Sadder But Wiser Girl.

Sadder but wiser

 

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com/

She’s guest posted on my page before, and she’s awesome and hilarious.  If you go visit her, and you should, tell her I sent you.  Please also tell her our secret code she knows you’re legit. It’s Character Assassin Carousel.

It’s so obvious no one will guess it.  Let’s keep that password our little secret.

Who is the next assassin?

http://moms.fortwayne.com/?q=blogs/blog/3-rivers-2-kids

Her name is Bonnie Blackburn.  The name alone suggests her character assassin will be brilliant!

Everybody loves Howard Stern. And by “everybody,” I mean probably about half of the population. The other half wants to chop off what are most likely disgustingly old and sagging balls and shove them down his throat.

Photo from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Stern

Photo from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Stern

I don’t really have a preference, although I agree he probably has disgusting balls. I fall somewhere in between wanting to have a beer with the guy (only if he’s buying), and wanting to feed him a scrotum sandwich with an extra dose of women’s rights.

I don’t know how to transition into this next part of the story so I’m just telling you I’m transitioning now, which is probably just making it worse. Follow along.

I’m currenty in South Florida, pretending like I’m a baller and not convincing anyone. I’m a horrible actress and I don’t think asking if they serve “Two-Buck Chuck” wine helped sell my story. (They don’t.) But a hey, girl’s gotta dream.

This afternoon I walked through the enormous lobby of the Ritz Carlton in West Palm Beach. In an effort to look important, (and to hide the fact I was wearing sunglasses from the dollar store), I looked at my iPhone as I briskly walked through the lobby. I wanted people to think I was reading important emails, when what I was really doing was checking to see if Amanda Bynes had any new Twitter updates.

SIDE NOTE: If you are not following her on Twitter, do it now. What’s wrong with you?

I quickly realized I couldn’t read and walk at the same time, so I headed for a comfortable looking couch to rest. I almost reached my safe place when I smacked into what I thought was a wooden mop with a black head.

I looked up, expecting to see the janitor and his cleaning supplies. As I lifted my head from my very important correspondence (tweet) I wondered why a janitor was bringing the cleaning equipment through the main lobby area. Didn’t he know very important people were tweeting in there?

And then I saw who it was.

It was fricking Howard Stern…all 92 pounds of him….

Frickety Frick!

I apologized in my best “I’m totally wealthy and I know who you are and don’t care because I’m really rich” voice. I don’t think he bought it. Or if he did, he wouldn’t have been willing to pay more than the dollar I paid for my sunglasses.

Immediately I cursed myself for not buying the fancy sunglasses at Target for $19.99. Had I known I would bump into America’s raunchiest/funniest radio host, I would have splurged. Once again, my love of bargains screwed me over!

He shuffled away with this wife Beth, who looked adorable in her floppy hat that probably cost more than my mortgage.

They both walked away and I realized that collectively they weighed as much as I did.

You know I’m not a good photo journalist, but you guys push me to be better, so here’s the best I could do without looking like a total freak show chasing him to his room with my iPad.

Isn't Beth adorable?

Isn’t Beth adorable?

 

Howard Stern in the hiz-ouse!

Howard Stern in the hiz-ouse!

Howard and Beth are looking to move to South Florida to avoid taxes in NYC, so says the word on the street (which is really just my Google search.) I don’t know if that’s true, but if they decide to move to Florida, do you think they will be looking for a roommate?

It could be just like “Three’s Company.” I would even be willing to be the super-annoying Janet and Matt could be the always dapper Mr. Roper.

Come and knock on our door, Howard! We’ll be waiting for you!

 

Getty Images

Yeah, like I need to give reasons for why Ryan should dump Eva.  It’s a no-brainer.  But don’t worry, I’ll spell out the reasons for you.

Maybe Ry-Ry will read this blog post and come to his senses and realize Eva isn’t the one for him.  I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s an avid reader of my blog.  Granted, he’s never reached out to me, but that’s just because he’s intimidated.  He’s also never filed a restraining order against me, which clearly means Ry-Ry hasn’t given up hope on us.

<Sigh>

Dear Ryan,

Please break up with Eva.  Here are a few reasons why.

1. Patriotism  

I’m not saying she’s a communist, but there’s no proof she isn’t.   Remember the red scare? Don’t put our nation in danger. Ry-Ry.

Don’t you love America?  I know you do, even though you’re Canadian.  Don’t all Canadians love America?  Of course they do.  So break up with her for America.

Do you want to make this girl cry?  Don’t make this girl cry, Ryan.  She loves red, white and blue.  She’s also deaf…and dying of cancer…and she has one arm.

Girl Pledging Allegiance to the Flag

<cut to shot of flag blowing in the breeze and “America the Beautiful” playing in the background>

2. Does Eva really love animals?

She’s beautiful, sure.  Her make-up is always impeccable, but do we know for sure if it’s tested on animals?  There’s no way to know that for sure, but she’s been a spokesperson for Revlon.  As a PETA supporter, you know what Revlon does to animals.

You love your dog, George, right?   Basically, she’s spitting in his face and rubbing lotion in his eyes every time she uses eyeliner.

True Story.

photo credit: poldberg via photopin cc

photo credit: poldberg via photopin cc

3. You guys met on the set of a movie.

Is that really the foundation of a long lasting relationship? I don’t know, maybe you should ask your former co-star and ex lover Rachel McAdams.   How did that turn out?

And what about Sandra Bullock?  Don’t you know that mixing business and pleasure isn’t a good idea?  (That is, unless “business” and “pleasure” are alternate words for our naughty parts…then yes…they totally mix.)

One word: Gili

4. She kicks George when you’re not around.

It’s true.  It’s why she gets so mad when the paparazzi follow her.  She doesn’t want proof of her dirty deeds.

Okay, so I don’t technically have anything to support this claim, but if it were true, wouldn’t it be a really bad thing?  And aren’t we taught to assume the worst?  Yeah, it’s called preparation, Ryan.

5.  She’s a really bad driver.

Don’t you remember in 2007 when she had four accidents in one day?   You read that right…four.

You were the star of a film called Drive.  It’s practically a slap in the face to your career to be with someone who isn’t a good driver.  I mean,  you don’t want someone who can’t operate machinery …ahem…operating your machinery.

No.  Instead, you need someone with an impeccable driving record and a reduction in insurance premiums due to limited claim filings.  You know, hypothetically…

self portrait right side up

I could go on and on about this Ryan, but I’m sure I’ve already convinced you.  I mean, sure, Eva seems really nice and charitable.  Sure, she’s also beautiful, and she’s never been accused of assaulting anyone, but is that the standard?   Is not assaulting someone the standard you’re using?  If so, then I’m your girl.

Just don’t pull up those recent charges when I encountered some Girl Scouts and they were out of Somoas and Thin Mints.  Those allegations are erroneous!

****NOTE:  I didn’t really assault any Girl Scouts.  (They had it coming.)

My husband can be a funny guy at times. Granted, most of the time he doesn’t realize he’s being funny, but those are the times he’s at his best. It’s not that he’s funny because of the jokes he tells. I assure you, he is not. Actually, if my husband asks to tell you a joke, punch him in the jeans and run away immediately. Seriously. It’s for your own good.

Despite his inability to master the “knock knock” joke, he has an ability to make me laugh at the most random times. It’s one of the things I love most about him. So because I love you guys so much (and because I don’t have time to write a full blog post tonight because I’m super busy and important), I’ve decided to let you in on some of my husband’s recent statements that made me laugh.

*Please note that none of these statements are ones that made me want to run to the divorce lawyer and take him for his entire collection of old and stained movie posters. (They are stained from water basement from the damage, you perverts!) A blog post about those statements will be saved for another day. Somehow, those statements also manage to make me laugh, which is probably just pathetic.

**Please also note that all of these statements were said innocently by him, and not a single one of them were said ironically or with the intent of getting a laugh from me. I’m sad about that part, but it’s the truth. He was completely genuine in each one of these examples. Every. Single. One.

1. Mr. Obvious

Matt: “I hit my elbow!”

Me: “Where?”

Matt: “On the pointy part!”

Yeah, because I definitely want to know where exactly on your elbowyou hit your elbow. The very use of the word “elbow” tells me exactly where you hurt yourself. I want to know what object caused you pain, mostly so I can ensure that object is in the way the next time you tell me my purse should go “in the purse spot.”

2. Mathematician

Me (while standing in the pool on vacation): “How much of this pool is pure urine?”

Matt (while also standing in the pool): “I don’t know, but I’ve contributed to it.”

At least he’s honest. And who am I kidding? I contributed to it too.

3. Ghetto Superstar

Matt: “Soledad O’Brien is my home girl.”

 

I feel like I don’t even need to explain this one. She clearly is his home girl, and I’m totally cool with that. Of course, it would have been more appropriate if he was watching her on TV at the time, or if there was some reference to her anywhere at the time he made this declaration. Yes, that would have been appropriate, yet that wasn’t the case.

4. Loverboy

Me (standing in the ocean hugging him): “I love you.”

Matt: “I’m peeing right now.”

See, people?! This is another reason I don’t fricking hug people! The one time I venture out and try to hug someone, they pee on me and an hour of disinfecting my body begins.

5. Motivational Speaker

Matt: “Do you want to go on a walk?”

Me: “Yeah, let’s go.”

Matt: “I don’t want to.”

Wow. This guy really knows how to make a girl happy. I’m thinking I will use this tactic the next time he wants to engage in sexy time.

6. Comedian

Matt: “I’m a funny guy, you dick!”

The word “dick” was strongly emphasized. When he strongly belted out this statement, I can assure you, I thought it was hilarious. So maybe that makes him the dick.

7. Food extraordinaire

Matt: “That thing I order here is awesome!”

Me: “What is it?”

Matt: “I don’t remember.”

Well, I guess we will just order two of those.

8. Schoolboy

Matt: “Did I ever tell you my elementary school principal looked like Kurt Russell in a wig?”

Perhaps this is true. I’m not sure, but for the sake of his principal, I hope it isn’t, as Kurt Russell does not-a-pretty-girl-make. But what was most humorous (and disturbing) about this statement, was that he made it as he was drifting off to sleep. After this observation, I immediately threw away our copy of Overboard, which sucks, because that movie rocks. (It was her money all along people!!!!!  Who saw that coming?)

9. Judge and Jury

Matt (while laying on the beach in Mexico): “Not to be a snob, but is that woman using a god….damned….flip phone?”

Speechless….

10. Fashionista

Me: “You look creepy in that skull cap.”

Matt: “It’s not a skull cap, it’s a knit cap.”

Me: “What’s the difference?”

Matt: “I don’t know.”

And there you have it; a list of unintentionally funny things my husband said recently. I could go on and on and post several more quotes from him, but it’s getting late and I need to use my flip phone to order something amazing for him for dinner.

Funny things my husband said on vacation

 

Few things that have changed for the bestI had a bad day today.  Not like one of those days where you spill something on your shirt and then miss the Metro.  That’s just a normal Monday for this girl.  I’m talking about a horrible day.  A “kick you in the balls and then punch you in the stomach so you throw up and then are forced to eat your throw up” kind of day.  (Too graphic?)

I feel like my day had nothing on Daniel’s Powter’s little diddy about having a bad day.  (Seriously, that guy made a ridiculous amount of cash on an annoying song that says what everyone thinks about Mondays.)

Instead of boring you with the details of my horrific day, I’ve decided to focus on why things are better than they used to be.  Yes, I’m trying to brighten my mood by pointing out  how our society has changed for the better.

(And if you think I’m going to talk about recycling and humanitarian efforts, you clearly have the wrong blog.  I’m going to discuss things like 10 ply toilet paper.  Thank you Charmin!)

1.  We no longer use handkerchiefs

…Or at least normal people don’t use them.  Who wants a wadded up snot rag in their pocket taking up space?  Not this girl.  My pockets are reserved for hand fulls of peppermints I casually snagged from the restaurant at lunch, a miniature golf pencil and different colors of lint.  (I have no idea how the second and third items get in there, but they always do.)

What kind of hygienic person blows their nose into a flimsy piece of cotton and instead of throwing it away, simply folds it and says “I’m gonna hang on to this for later.”?  Obviously a crazy person, and this is one of those few times I’m not in that crazy person category.  Ah-chew!

2.  Woman don’t have to wear pantyhose

Wait, do they?  Maybe they do still have to wear them, but I’m telling myself that women don’t have to wear pantyhose, so don’t burst my bubble if that isn’t true.  I figure people are lucky that I even bother to change out of lounge pants and throw on a dress or skirt, so no one should expect anything more from me than that.

If I don’t throw on makeup or deodorant, I’m certainly not going to throw on nylon stockings that scratch my legs and bring the heat index in my crotch up to 100 degrees (just like Ryan Gosling does).  No thanks.  You can look at my ashy legs and deal with it.

3.  The DVR was invented

I realize people think the wheel and fire were important inventions, but neither of these allow me to watch Project Runway while taping Big Brother at the same time.  Obviously the wheel and fire aren’t that important; and just like Journey sings, “The wheel in the sky keeps on burnin,'” it totally does.

So I’m thinking those inventions are going to be around for a while and are old hat (just like Journey, even though their music still totally rocks).

I’m so thankful for DVR because I’m too important to be bothered with commercials about erectile dysfunction.  Although I’d love to sit and figure out how a guy with ED is able to fill two bathtubs with water in the middle of the wilderness overlooking a mountain with no running water in sight, I have better things to do with my time.

But seriously, a guy who is that inventive could certainly figure out how to get it up every now and again without a pill, right?  Fast forward!!!

And DVR is conducive to my super important super busy schedule.  (I’m a big deal.)  I used to have to wait until 7:00 to get my fix of Alf, but now I never have to wait to see that furry creature from Melmac.  I can watch him anytime thanks to my DVR (and to TV Land).

4.  The drive thru was invented

You knew there was going to be something on here about food.  Come on.  Although I pretend like the drive thru is such a demonstration of how lazy our society has become, I’m the first to use it if I can.  Why would I want to park and walk the 10 feet inside the store to get my 5,000 calorie meal when I could stay in my car and rock out to Tupac?

Who needs exercise when you’re getting ready to inhale that many calories?  Yeah, like the 10 calories I burn walking into the store is really going to make a difference.  I don’t think so.  Ooohhh….is that a special on McDonald’s apple pies?

Okay, that’s all I could think of for now.  I wanted to come up with five things, but since my day was so crappy, I’m impressed I was able to come up with four positive things in this world.  I’m considering going into my bedroom, blowing my nose with a disposable tissue, laying bare legged and watching DVR while eating food obtained through the drive thru.  God bless America!

 

Cliches that make no senseI hate cliches, which is interesting considering I’m sure I fit perfectly into a cliche somewhere.  Unless a cliche is small like an airplane seat.  Then I definitely don’t fit into one of those comfortably.

Why do people use cliches and what do they mean?  No worries, this isn’t going to be a philosophical post (whew!).

I just got to thinking about some of the common cliches I know and when I stopped to think about them, they made no sense; just like George W. and his attempt at cliches, which is ironic  “You can’t fool a fool man” now can you?.

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”

girl on roadWait?  The road to hell is paved?

I assumed it would be a dusty path with fire breathing dragons, people wearing Teva sandals, and the musical stylings of Mariah Carey blaring in the background.  Get over yourself.  You’re not that attractive.

And who cares what it’s paved with?  I’m sure that someone going to hell would probably just be glad the road is paved and not filled with broken beer bottles and vomit.  Ahh…college was fun, wasn’t it?

And how does someone know about the road to hell?  Did they come back from hell to tell us about it?  If so, my guess is that person is Kate Gosseln.  I don’t trust anyone with a hair style that could double as an assault weapon.

I’m  pretty sure if someone went to hell and came back, I wouldn’t believe what they said about the road there and back.  Um, they’re liars.  One of the many reasons they went to hell….

“A penny for your thoughts”

coinsReally?  Someone is paying for my thoughts?  Because I’ve noticed that isn’t the case.

I write a free blog that my mom and her 2 retired friends read, and so far all I’ve gotten in return is a birthday card and an uneven knitted sweater with one really long sleeve.

I want a penny for my thoughts, because I have a lot of thoughts, and that new cappuccino machine isn’t going to buy itself.

So if someone is giving out a penny for thoughts, send them my way, because I have a lot of things to say, and that cliche says nothing about if the thoughts need to be good…or logical….or politically correct.  Cha-ching!

“You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”

honeycomb

Yes, I know these are bees, but it’s the best I could do for “honey.”

Why would I want to catch flies?  Seriously.  Why?

Unless I’m Pig Pen or Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid, I’m pretty sure I don’t want anything to do with flies.  So I will be sure to keep that bottle of vinegar close and put the honey away for another day.

Who am I kidding?  Give me that honey.  I’ll put it on my toast.

And how do we know this?  Have there been scientific studies to support this?  And if so, why is the government spending our money on studies to figure out how to catch flies most effectively?

Give me a little more on my tax return and cease the study of the flies and honey.

And seriously, pass the honey.  I want to dip my chips in it.

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too”

wedding cake

I would eat the crap out of this.

Wanna bet?  I have my cake and eat it all the time.  Sometimes numerous pieces in one sitting. Check out my large ass for evidence of this feat.

I had no idea this was such an impossible task. I’ve been having cake and eating it for years without any difficulty.

And why in the world would I want to have cake and not eat it?  What’s the point in that?  To be honest, if I can’t eat cake, I don’t want to have it in my possession; torturing me with its icing and sugar filled goodness.

So unless someone knows something I don’t, you absolutely can have your cake and eat it too.

Of course, you can’t have my cake.  I will cut you if you try to take it.

Perhaps the saying should be “You can’t have your cake and sit and stare at it without eating it.”  Now that’s an impossible feat.

“It’s just like riding a bike”

tricycleI have no idea what I’m supposed to take away from this.  Life is like riding a bike?  Other things are like riding a bike?

Can someone tell me what those other things are so I don’t do them?  I don’t want to feel my thighs burn and heart beat out of my chest.  That’s what my trainer does to me, and that’s bad enough.

And what kind of bike is it?  A 10 speed or one of those Barbie bikes with plastic wheels and handles with the tassels.  I might be happier with the tassel bike, assuming it had training wheels and someone pushing me from behind.

Why would I engage in tasks that require physical activity? I hate to work out.

I won’t even drive to the pizza place for dinner.  I make them come to me because I don’t want to engage in actual work.  And a bike seat isn’t pleasant.

I’ve had a banana seat ride up my ass one too many times while I pedal down the street, and it’s not something I’m interested in repeating.

Buy me a drink first.

“What goes around comes around”

merry go roundLike the clap?  What does this mean?  And what if I want what goes around?  Is it money, or the latest episode of The Big Bang Theory?

Or what if it’s Justin Timberlake without his shirt on? I would definitely Cry Me a River if I saw that in person.  Right?!

If so, then I absolutely want it to come around.  I will sit back and wait for it.  But if you’re talking about sluts or Lindsay Lohan, I’ll pass.  I realize the words “Slut” and “Lindsay Lohan” are interchangeable, but I used them here for irony.

So there you have it; my confusion over some commonly used cliches.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go stand the heat in the kitchen and stare at the forest for the trees.

woman+at+gym.jpg

As you may know, I recently wrote a blog post about the note I wanted to write to “that guy” at the gym.  You all know who I’m talking about.  He’s the guy you  desperately move away from in the weight room when he’s grunting away and flexing his pecs.

But to keep things fair (and to convince my trainer Marbi that I’m not a man-hater), I decided to write a note to “that girl” at the gym as well.  You all know who I’m talking about, and since I saw the epitome of “that girl” this morning at the gym, I am filled with thoughts (and gas) and ready to begin.

1.  Lay off the eye make up.

Do you realize you’re at the gym?  Wearing a smoky eye is for your night job, which by the looks of your eyeliner for your “daytime look,” most likely involves a street corner and a pair of stilettos.

It’s not necessary to wear make up to the gym.  It’s not even necessary to brush your hair to go to the gym.

The fact that you have on several layers of make up tells me that you either came straight from the club from the night before, or you have way too much time on your hands (and mascara).

So tone it down when you come to the gym.  This isn’t Broadway and you don’t need the stage makeup (although I’m pretty sure the stage is where you feel most alive…and how you make your rent payment).

running on treadmill2.  Wear longer shorts

Yes, your legs are nice and toned (and shaved, just like “that guy’s” are), but would you mind throwing on a pair of shorts that go down a little further than just over your butt cheeks?

I have no desire to see your kooter when you stretch your hamstrings, nor do I want to wonder who does your waxing job.

I’m not asking you to wear pants to the gym, but at least wear something that goes halfway down your thigh.

3.  Don’t act irritated when people stare at you

Isn’t that what you want?  I just guessed you were looking for attention with your caked on makeup and your kooter shorts.  No?

Well don’t glare at me when I look at you with judging eyes.  You don’t seem to hide your disdain for me when you stare at my protruding belly with judgement, as it’s clear I ate a second helping of hummus last night.

So I will judge you for looking like a hootchie and you will judge me for loving carbs.  It’s a fair trade and we’re even, although I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t blow over with a stiff breeze (or a stiff drink).

4.  Wear an appropriate fitting shirt

Yes, you have great boobs, but I don’t want to see them bouncing around when you work out.  Get a sports bra with some support ASAP.  Or at least get one with an under wire.

And don’t act like it’s a coincidence that you wear a tiny tank top and then just happen to run on the treadmill.  We all know it’s calculated and you love the feel of your tits hitting your chin as you run your 5k.

And yes, I’m looking at you.  Not so much because of how you’re running, but I’m trying to figure out how you are able to lay on your stomach when you sleep, as those things are definitely the largest part of your body, and I’m pretty sure the left one looks like it might explode.

5.  Stop wearing jewelry to the gym

pearlsMust you accessorize to get your sweat on?  I’m lucky if I brush my teeth before going to the gym, and yet you manage to put on earrings, a necklace and the Tiffany’s knock of bracelet you got off eBay.

By the way, congrats for being the highest bidder with your $9.99 bid.  You’re quite the high roller.  Haven’t you noticed that no one else is wearing jewelry at the gym (except for “that guy” who is probably sporting a fake gold chain).

The only jewelry I wear to the gym is my wedding ring, but that’s stuck on my fat finger for life, and it ain’t going anywhere unless my husband wants to buy me a larger diamond.  In that case I will get out the butter and remove it immediately…and then make popcorn.

6.  Stop complaining that you’re fat

scale1.jpgWe all know you aren’t, and you know it too, as evidenced by the fact that you seem mesmerized by your own appearance.  And I definitely don’t want to hear you complain that you are full because you ate a salad and a handful of almonds.

I just knocked back 2 cheeseburgers and fries and yet here I am, briskly walking away on the treadmill at a zero incline.

You don’t hear me complaining about being overweight, and I have to wipe sweat out of the various folds of fat on my body.  So eat a ham sandwich and quit complaining about your weight.

We all know you look fabulous, which might be one of the reasons we hate you so much.  And you’re cute, which just makes it worse.

Okay, I will stop for now, mostly because I’m scared “that girl” at my gym will read this, know I’m talking about her, and then bench press me when I go to the gym next time.  (But the joke’s on her, as I’m even heavier than I look and I’m really retaining water).

So the next time you throw on a dirty t-shirt and your favorite pair of stained sweat pants and head to the gym, make sure you keep a look out for “that girl.”

She will be easy to spot, as she’s usually the one surrounded by doting men, and she’s always close to a mirror.

baseball player on groundI’m a baseball fan and I love it when my team gets to the World Series.  Fortunately, I’m not a Cubs fan, so I actually get to see my team make it to post season.

This year my beloved Cardinals made it to the World Series and I have been glued to each game, rooting them on while stuffing my face with wings and pizza.  That helps them win, right?

So this year I have noticed something a little strange as I watch these games.  Many of the players have ridiculous mustaches.  It’s not specific to one team, as both the Cardinals and Rangers have players sporting the upper lip sweaters.

If one were to turn on the TV and look at these players, he or she would think they were living in 1978 when Tom Selleck was king and the gas crisis had everyone in a tizzy.

mustache-clip-art-220x73.jpgWe have a similar gas crisis at our house after an evening of eating wings, but that crisis is solved with a few candles and a roll of Charmin.

Is this look coming back?  I hope not, because I know a few women who would be happy to embrace this trend and I don’t want to see that. Come to think of it, a cashier at my grocery store already seems to think a mustache is in style.

Maybe she’s a trendsetter.  I don’t know.

But what is with these men and their flavor savors? Although, I wouldn’t mind a more acceptable way of savoring the flavor of guacamole,  Maybe these guys, and the cashier at Shop N’ Save, are on to something.

Here’s a look at a few of them:

Derrek Holland

Derek Holland

Derek Holland

He’s a pitcher for the Texas Rangers, and by the looks of his face in this photo, he is also extremely constipated.

He also appears to be in the yoga position of Warrior 2, and I’m pretty sure he’s sporting yoga pants under his uniform.  But look at that stache.  Or should I call it a “wanna-be-stache?”  It’s just like Flava-Flave’s career…barely there.

This kid looks like he is in junior high, just hit puberty and is desperately trying to prove his manhood with a few face pubes.  I don’t buy it.

If he is trying to make himself look older and more sophisticated, it isn’t working.  I would card this guy for liquor, and then steal his lunch money.

Ron Washington

Ron Washington

Ron Washington

I suppose it’s no surprise that Holland is sporting the lady pleaser when his fearless leader is also sporting the same look.  Let’s hope Holland doesn’t share the same love of nose candy that Washington did.

Does Washington think he looks good like this?  Is he trying to grow hair in the middle of his face to compensate for the lack of hair on the middle of his head?

It looks like the parting of the Red Sea up there and I can’t help but wonder if Fox makes him wear a hat during the games just to keep viewers’ focus on the game and not the rapidly eroding hairline.

Perhaps the mustache is his way of trying to prove he’s capable of growing hair, just not on the top of his head.  He also vaguely resembles Bill Cosby to me and I’m not sure why, but I’m waiting for him to appear in a loud colorful sweater and tell me all about Jell-o pudding pops.  (Mmm..)

elvis

Elvis Andrus
http://tinyurl.com/bvqa6le

Elvis Andrus

And then there’s this guy.  He’s the anti-stache.  He’s managed to grow hair all over his face except the mustache.

Is it some political statement he’s making?    What does he have against the upper lip hair?  Is he trying to counter balance the staches of his fellow team mates?

And who is named Elvis anyway?  I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have blue suede shoes, nor is he a hound dog.  But he does appear to be rocking the Blue Blocker shades so at least his eyes are protected…most likely from the glare off of Washington’s head.

Jason motte

Jason Motte
http://tinyurl.com/crcrvl

Jason Motte

Then there’s Jason Motte.  What to say about this guy?  He doesn’t just have a mustache, but rather a large bush of hair on his face that I’m pretty sure smells like urinal cakes from all the swirlies he gets in the locker room.

In this photo he looks like a male blow up doll, or like he’s ready to earn his salary as a fluffer on a porno…in 1975.

So enjoy the rest of the series and as you’re downing your beers and stuffing that third hot dog in your mouth (maybe that’s just me), take a moment and be thankful that you aren’t married to a guy with a stache.

And if you are, check out the billboards on the way home for a good divorce attorney, as I think you’ve got enough grounds to start that process.

STACHE BASH