Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com - (1)Hello my friends!  I am back from a long hiatus from blogging. I’m sure you missed me, but I’m sure you missed my husband more. It’s okay.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that my readers love my hubby more than they love me.  Then again, what’s not to love, especially when he says some of the things he says.

So let’s get to it.  I have a long list because it’s been a while since I’ve done this so settle in for some good laughs. And I’ll say it again….he’s all mine….be jealous.

Parking Expert

Matt: “People who back into parking spaces should be sterilized.”

Receptionist

Matt:  “You need to pick up your prescription from Walgreens. They keep calling me and leaving me angry messages.”
Lisa: “It’s a recording.”
Matt:  “She has a tone.”

photo 2 (14)Humble Husband

Lisa:  “You’re such a martyr.
Matt:  “No I’m not.” <whispers while looking down> “I’m just a really good guy.

Accepting of Others

Matt: <while watching some woman do something strange> “What’s this bitch doing? Aside from being a bitch?

Equine Expert

Lisa:  “Why do they say ‘I have to pee like a race horse?‘”
Matt:  “Because they have to pee a lot.”
Lisa: “But then why don’t they just go pee if they have to pee? Why wait?
Matt: “This conversation is boring.

photo 1 (13)Animal Lover

Lisa: <Observing Matt pushing around the outside plants with a broom> “What are you doing? Looking for critters like chipmunks?”
Matt:  “I don’t care about chipmunks. They’re awesome and fight danger in their spare time. I’m looking for snakes. Snakes serve no purpose.” <begins singing “Chip and Dale’s” theme song>

Partier

Matt:  “What do you want to do tonight? Well, not so much do as watch.

Compassionate Man

photo 3 (10)Matt:  “My eye is starting to droop. Oh no!
Lisa:Don’t talk to me about droopy eyes. I’ve had a droopy eye for a year.
Matt:  “It’s not a competition. Let me have this.”

Insightful

Matt:  “Remember that movie ‘The Land Before Time?’ When Little Leaf’s mom died and he saw his shadow and thought it was her so he started running to it and it kept getting smaller?
Lisa:Yes.
Matt:  “Who the hell wrote that? It’s some f*cked up sh*t.
Lisa:  “This is super random.”
Matt:  “What? I was just trying to make conversation.”

photo 2 (16)Non Judgmental

Matt:  “I’m telling you. That woman is awful. Exhibit B…For bitch.

Motivated Guy

Matt:  “I’m sleepy.
Lisa:  “You were in bed 3 hours ago.”
Matt:  “I know. I miss it.

Easily Impressed

Lisa:  “I just typed all of that on my phone without looking and there was no errors.
Matt:  “Yeah. You do that when you’re typing on the computer too. I think you think it impresses me.

photo (14)World History Expert

Matt:  “When The Italians invented pizza it was pepperoni.”
Lisa:  “You don’t know if that’s true.
Matt:  “You don’t know it’s not true.

Delightful Company

Lisa:  “You know, you’re no picnic yourself.”
Matt:  “I’m a picnic. I’m a picnic in goddamned Central Park.

Fashion Expert

Matt:  “Look at that guy’s hair. He looks like he stepped out of the 80sDo people even do their hair like that? Do hair stylists even do that to people?

photo 4 (1)Wordsmith

Matt:Where’s all this sass coming from? I didn’t know it was Sass-ur-day.

Patriotic

Matt:  “…Because we live in STL. Americas asshole.

Humble Man

Matt:  <cleaning glasses>
Lisa:  “Are those your regular glasses or your Warby Parker’s?”
Matt:  “Warby Parkers. ………I know.
Lisa:  “You know what?
Matt:  “I just thought you were going to say I looked good in them.

Christmas EveLightly Scented

Lisa:  “Wow. That’s a lot of cologne you just sprayed. Trying to impress someone?
Matt:  “No. I’m just not sure how dirty this shirt is.”

Sympathetic Citizen

Lisa:  “They still haven’t found those two guys who escaped from prison.”
Matt:  “I still haven’t found my glasses…I get it.

Fixer Of Things

Matt:  “The hose is flowing fine now….like my rhymes!”

Did you like this edition? Did it give you your Matt Newlin fix?  Which one was your favorite?

HappyMother's DayHappy Mother’s Day to me!  (Oh, and to you too….)

Okay, so I’m not a mother in the sense that I pushed kids out of my hoo ha, but I still think I’m a mother after all.

Granted, some people would agree I’m a mother, but would then add an unfortunate expletive after that.  Those people suck.  Duh.

Hoo-ha pushing or not, I’m a mother all year long.  No, not to human babies, although I swear I love them as much as if I’d delivered them myself.  Disturbing?  Absolutely.  True?  Totally.

I have three dogs that are the loves of my lives.  Oh, and my husband too.

My dogs are my babies, and I couldn’t possibly love them more.  As you know, I recently wrote a post about why my dogs are better than your kids.  You can check that out here.

Max in a tux with a smooch this pooch pillow

He’s such a ladies’ man.

Okay, so I’m not saying my dogs are better than your specific kids, but just kids in general.

So how am I mother, you ask?  (Aside from the a-forementioned curse word?)  Here are a few reasons:

1.  I deal with poop all the time.

No, it isn’t in a diaper, but I have to pick it up with a plastic bag, so I’m still hurting the environment the same way.

The bad part is that unlike babies who (hopefully) grow out of needing moms to tend to their bowels, my dogs will never become sufficient at picking up their own poo (with anything other than their mouths).

2.  I take them to daycare

Yes, I’m that mom, and if you took your dog to daycare, you would know why we do.  Best money ever spent, and I don’t even have to pack a lunch for them!

Much like mothers of human babies, I also worry about what they’re learning at daycare.  I fear one day Shady Jack will come home and drop the f-bomb.  I know that guy is learning bad language from all the other pups, as it certainly wouldn’t come from my angel.

3.  I’m up at least twice during the night with them

From whimpering to peeing to running out of water, I’m up with them a few times a night when all I really want to do is sleep.  Matt and I take turns pretending to be asleep so we don’t have to get up.  We’re just like a real family!

Jack in rescued collar4.  One of them is always going to the doctor

From the sniffles to randomly being attacked by two dogs, one of them is always going to the doctor for something.  We haven’t had a pink eye outbreak yet, but I know it’s coming.  (No thanks to daycare.)

5.  I spoil them with toys and treats they don’t need

Do they need baskets full of toys and an entire cabinet of treats?  Not anymore than your kid needs 10 Barbie dolls and a Malibu playhouse.

Yet, whenever I’m at a pet store, I feel obligated to get them something.  After all, they deserve it, right?

Bentley in bowtie6.  I talk to them in a baby voice.

I don’t want to admit this, but I do.  I sometimes talk to them like they’re babies and I ask them questions.  I don’t expect answers from them…yet…they’re only toddlers.

7.  I assume everyone wants to see pictures and hear stories about them.

Much like moms with their wallets full of baby photos, I’m the same way with my iPhone full of dog pics. Do you want to see them?  Not any more than I want to see the photo of your kid’s school picture.

He's actually running!

He’s actually running!

8.  I’m convinced they’re the cutest things ever and no one has cuter babies.

This is not up for debate.  I’m convinced of it because it’s 100% true.

9.  I will personally inflict pain to anyone who hurts them.

For reals.  Don’t even think about it.

10.  Our house is in constant disarray because of their toys and play time.

They can’t learn to put their toys away before getting out more, and I’ve often threatened to take them away if they don’t start taking care of them better.

Shady Jack in tuxI then burst into tears because I realize I’ve turned into my mother.

11.  They’re the reason we sometimes miss social events.

From missing a charity event because Bentley ingested stuffing from a toy, to missing a road trip with friends because Shady Jack’s junk was bleeding, we seem to miss events just as much as other parents do.

12.  Our friends are comprised of their friends’ parents

Just like soccer moms team up together in their velour track suits with their cup of espresso, dog moms team up together in their dog-walking clothes with their handful of poo bags.  It’s a shared bond, and no, you can’t join in.

13.  I correct other parents on their parenting styles

If I see someone handling their dog in a way I don’t agree with, I say something.  Did they ask me for help as I passed them while walking down the street?

No, but I’m sure they’re happier to have my wisdom, as I’m clearly an excellent dog parent.  Moms on the playground do the same thing.

Everyone hates those moms.

All 3 at photo shoot14.  I spend most of my disposable income on them

Have you seen the cute toys, bones, treats, collars, leashes and games you can buy for your dogs?  If you have, you definitely have a living room full of Angry Bird dog toys and doggie iPhones.

Bentley sleeping in red sheets15. Conflicting parenting styles are a source of arguments

At times, Matt and I will disagree about which way is the best way to discipline the dogs.  Obviously, since I’m always right, my parenting style is correct.

However, it takes him a minute before I beat him down he comes to his senses and realizes my way is the right way.

See?  I’ve convinced you why I’m a mother.  I’ve also convinced you I’m a crazy dog person who probably needs to get a grip on reality, but you knew that already.  You read this blog.

Much like all moms, I love my boys far more than I should, and I wouldn’t trade the three of them for anything in the world.  I couldn’t be happier with them, and I’m so lucky I get to be their mom.

And just like other moms, I don’t have a favorite.*

*I totally have a favorite.

300 315

Happy Mother’s Day to two of my favorite moms.  One of them gave birth to me and the other gave birth to the apple of my eye, my sweet niece, Miss K. The other handsome dudes in the photos are my dad and my brother, as if you couldn’t figure that out.