Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com - (1)Hello my friends!  I am back from a long hiatus from blogging. I’m sure you missed me, but I’m sure you missed my husband more. It’s okay.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that my readers love my hubby more than they love me.  Then again, what’s not to love, especially when he says some of the things he says.

So let’s get to it.  I have a long list because it’s been a while since I’ve done this so settle in for some good laughs. And I’ll say it again….he’s all mine….be jealous.

Parking Expert

Matt: “People who back into parking spaces should be sterilized.”

Receptionist

Matt:  “You need to pick up your prescription from Walgreens. They keep calling me and leaving me angry messages.”
Lisa: “It’s a recording.”
Matt:  “She has a tone.”

photo 2 (14)Humble Husband

Lisa:  “You’re such a martyr.
Matt:  “No I’m not.” <whispers while looking down> “I’m just a really good guy.

Accepting of Others

Matt: <while watching some woman do something strange> “What’s this bitch doing? Aside from being a bitch?

Equine Expert

Lisa:  “Why do they say ‘I have to pee like a race horse?‘”
Matt:  “Because they have to pee a lot.”
Lisa: “But then why don’t they just go pee if they have to pee? Why wait?
Matt: “This conversation is boring.

photo 1 (13)Animal Lover

Lisa: <Observing Matt pushing around the outside plants with a broom> “What are you doing? Looking for critters like chipmunks?”
Matt:  “I don’t care about chipmunks. They’re awesome and fight danger in their spare time. I’m looking for snakes. Snakes serve no purpose.” <begins singing “Chip and Dale’s” theme song>

Partier

Matt:  “What do you want to do tonight? Well, not so much do as watch.

Compassionate Man

photo 3 (10)Matt:  “My eye is starting to droop. Oh no!
Lisa:Don’t talk to me about droopy eyes. I’ve had a droopy eye for a year.
Matt:  “It’s not a competition. Let me have this.”

Insightful

Matt:  “Remember that movie ‘The Land Before Time?’ When Little Leaf’s mom died and he saw his shadow and thought it was her so he started running to it and it kept getting smaller?
Lisa:Yes.
Matt:  “Who the hell wrote that? It’s some f*cked up sh*t.
Lisa:  “This is super random.”
Matt:  “What? I was just trying to make conversation.”

photo 2 (16)Non Judgmental

Matt:  “I’m telling you. That woman is awful. Exhibit B…For bitch.

Motivated Guy

Matt:  “I’m sleepy.
Lisa:  “You were in bed 3 hours ago.”
Matt:  “I know. I miss it.

Easily Impressed

Lisa:  “I just typed all of that on my phone without looking and there was no errors.
Matt:  “Yeah. You do that when you’re typing on the computer too. I think you think it impresses me.

photo (14)World History Expert

Matt:  “When The Italians invented pizza it was pepperoni.”
Lisa:  “You don’t know if that’s true.
Matt:  “You don’t know it’s not true.

Delightful Company

Lisa:  “You know, you’re no picnic yourself.”
Matt:  “I’m a picnic. I’m a picnic in goddamned Central Park.

Fashion Expert

Matt:  “Look at that guy’s hair. He looks like he stepped out of the 80sDo people even do their hair like that? Do hair stylists even do that to people?

photo 4 (1)Wordsmith

Matt:Where’s all this sass coming from? I didn’t know it was Sass-ur-day.

Patriotic

Matt:  “…Because we live in STL. Americas asshole.

Humble Man

Matt:  <cleaning glasses>
Lisa:  “Are those your regular glasses or your Warby Parker’s?”
Matt:  “Warby Parkers. ………I know.
Lisa:  “You know what?
Matt:  “I just thought you were going to say I looked good in them.

Christmas EveLightly Scented

Lisa:  “Wow. That’s a lot of cologne you just sprayed. Trying to impress someone?
Matt:  “No. I’m just not sure how dirty this shirt is.”

Sympathetic Citizen

Lisa:  “They still haven’t found those two guys who escaped from prison.”
Matt:  “I still haven’t found my glasses…I get it.

Fixer Of Things

Matt:  “The hose is flowing fine now….like my rhymes!”

Did you like this edition? Did it give you your Matt Newlin fix?  Which one was your favorite?

Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com -Yesterday Matt and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. And by “celebrated” I mean we took a nap after work, went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall Thai place, watched “Game of Thrones” and were in bed by 9:30.

What? That’s not what you were thinking was a perfect way to celebrate a 5th year of marital bliss?

So I assume you will forgive me for being a day late on what is clearly my readers’ favorite blog post of the month. Last month was definitely my favorite but Matt said some real gems this month too. He’s really out doing himself.

I won’t make you read my words anymore and will just get you to the crack that is this monthly column. Enjoy!

Supportive Husband

Lisa:  “I need to go to the gym. I need you to make me go to the gym whenever you go.”
Matt:  “Ok.”
Lisa:  “I mean it. Don’t make me go, but–
Matt:  “Sweetie, I understand the fine line I’m walking here.”

Music Fanatic

Lisa:  “That song is catchy.”
Matt:  “Yeah.  Like Goddamned syphilis.”

photo 3Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “I’m going to turn off the light. Can you use a book light to read?”
Lisa:  “Um. Ok.”
Matt:  “I don’t want to resent you if you leave it on, but this light hurts my eyes.”

Multi-tasker

Matt:  “There’s just not enough hours in the day…to get in all the sleep I want.”

Health Nut

Matt:  “We need to eat more legumes.”
Lisa:  “You don’t like them. It’s beans and stuff.”
Matt:  “I like some of them. I like jelly legumes.”

Attention to detail

Lisa:  “Did you see I finally framed that photo and put it up?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I noticed it yesterday but didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how long it had been up.”

Manly Man

Lisa:  “Why don’t you use that Caress body wash in the shower?”
Matt:  “I don’t think Caress can handle my body odor. I sweat like a man.”

photo 2Articulate

Matt:  “Where are the things and the stuff?”

Neat freak

Lisa:  “What’s with this stain on the floor?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I tried to clean it. I didn’t try that hard.”

Party Pooper

Matt:  <he says out of nowhere> “You know what I was never a fan of?”
Lisa:  “What?”
Matt:  “The hokey pokey. I just didn’t see what all the hype was about.”

Friend To All

Lisa:  “…and that’s why people like her.”
Matt:  “What?! People love me! I mean, except for that bitch.”

Pillow Talker

Matt:  “We have to get up. If I lay here much longer I’m going to fall asleep.
Lisa:  “Our stimulating conversation can’t keep you awake?”
Matt:  “No, it won’t.”

Lisa and Matt date nightAttention To Detail

Matt:  “Ah! I have dried shaving cream in my ear. Ah! It’s in my other ear. That’s not good. I had meetings today!”

Martyr

Lisa:  <after explaining why he has to use both body wash and soap>  “It’s exhausting being you isn’t it?”
Matt:  “Yeah. Why do you think I’m tired all the time?”

Excellent Coworker

Matt:  “I have to bring a rotisserie to a potluck tomorrow.”
Lisa:  “Thanks for not offering me to make a ham like you did last time. It’s a lot of work.”
Matt:  “How would you know? You never made it.”

Friend of Fashion

Matt:  “You have a stain on your shirt.”
Lisa:  “Really? Is it noticeable?”
Matt:  “Not more than your other shirts.”

Honest Spouse

Lisa:  <Hears a smash in the basement.> “Did I just hear something break?”
Matt:  <Coming from the sound of the smash>  “No.  Hey, did you break this vase down here?”

Modest

Matt:  “It takes a lot to keep up with this beauty.  Some might think it’s easy, but it takes work.”

weddingLover of Children (But Not In A Creepy Way)

Matt:  “That kid has been playing by himself for two hours. It’s sad as shit.”

Considerate of Others’ Problems

Lisa:  “I’m still mad at you for throwing out those flowerpots.”
Matt:  “Sounds like a YP and not a MP.”
Lisa:  “What’s that?”
Matt:  “A ‘your problem’ not ‘my problem.'”

photo 1 (3)Accepting of Others

Matt:  “I didn’t know you were running for judicial office……Miss Judgey.”

Frugal Shopper

Lisa:  “If I had a truck I would pick up so much free stuff from Craigslist.”
Matt:  “You don’t need to buy a bunch of stuff.
Lisa:  “I wouldn’t buy it. It would be free.”
Matt:  “I know. I didn’t say ‘buy.'”
Lisa:   “Yes you did. You said ‘buy.'”
Matt:  “I’m saying ‘bye’ to this conversation.”

All joking aside, happiest of anniversaries to my beloved husband.  I really do adore him!

Which was your favorite?

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Other places I’m on the web this week!

9 Things Your Husband Does That Should Be Sexy But Totally Aren’t

8 Ridiculously Petty (And Funny) Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

Woohoo!  The 10 Stages of Getting Wedding Drunk (As Told Through Funny Gifs)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends (But Never Her Husband) 

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

funny crap my husband says, October 2014 (1)I was definitely on Santa’s naughty list this year, and not just because I ate almost an entire cookie cake in one sitting.  Honestly, that should be listed as an accomplishment and not something bad.  My husband didn’t see it that way.  <said softly while looking down>

Either way, I was on his naughty list because I failed to provide my beloved readers with a December 2014 edition of Funny Crap My Husband Says.  I know.  I’m a horrible person.

Since I know you guys live for these posts, I’ve decided to not keep you in suspense any longer. So without any further delay, here are a few things my beloved husband said recently that really cracked my sh*t up.

Spiritualist

Lisa:  “We need to make an effort to be more present in our lives.
Matt:  “I’m present.  I’m the most present person I know.  Take roll because I’m present!

Olfactory Expert

Matt:  “Why does it smell like onions in here?
Lisa:  “Because I threw away the container that the chopped onions came in.”
Matt:  “Nah.  That can’t be it.”

Lisa and Matt Christmas 2014Number One Husband

Matt:  “Anyone who says they aren’t afraid of their wife is either lying or is just an a$$hole.”

Dictator

Matt:  “You should go pick us up something for dinner.”
Lisa:  “Ok.  Like what?
Matt:  “I don’t know.  I can’t make all of the decisions.

Worldly Man

Matt:  “Move to the Dakotas?  No one lives in the Dakotas!  Canada could be an option but I don’t know how Bitcoin is handled there and the exchange rate is a b*tch.

Lisa and Matt Gala 2014Loverboy

Matt:  “Did you hear that Leonardo DiCaprio had sex with 21 girls at the same time?
Lisa:  “How is that possible?  I bet he didn’t actually do it with all of them.”
Matt:  “He probably did.  I know when I order a 3 course meal I don’t stop at 2 when I’m eating it.

Considerate Husband

Matt:  “You have something in your teeth.  It’s been there since lunch.”

Comedian

Lisa:  “Stop making me laugh.  It puts me into a coughing fit.”
Matt:  “Until now I wasn’t aware I had that capability.”

There you have it!  And yes, he really does have the capability to make me laugh.  I just don’t like him to know it.

So which one was your favorite?

funny crap my husband says, September 2014 (1)Hey guys!

Summer is over which means I’m in a perpetual state of sadness.  However, one of the few things that lifts my spirits is posting some of the funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.

I’ve had a rough few weeks recently and this guy has gotten me through them with a lot of laughs.  (And bourbon.  I’ve had a LOT of bourbon these last 2 weeks.)

Since I love you guys, I’m sharing some of the wonderful nuggets of wisdom my husband shared with me this past month.  I really need to market him into a 1-900 number of inspirational sh*t.

Lover Not A Fighter

Matt:  “I’m totally amorous.  If I was a drink I’d be an amorous-o-sour.”

Inventor

Lisa: <Walks into room to find Matt laying on the couch.> “I thought for sure you’d be drinking a glass of wine.

Matt:  <Points to glass of wine between his legs> “I’m hands-free with this b*tch!

Buddhist/Spiritual Adivsor

Matt: “I could totally be a Buddhist if it wasn’t for all that silence stuff.”

photo (1)

He was NOT happy I took this photo.

Scientist

Lisa:  “Close the curtains. People can see inside the house now that it’s dark.”

Matt:  “No they can’t.”

Lisa:  “Yes they can. You can see inside the house when it’s dark outside and light inside the house.”

Matt:  “No. It’s the opposite of that.”

Lisa:  “So you’re saying you can see inside the house when it’s light outside and dark in the house.”

Matt:  “Of course not. It’s the opposite of that. It’s science honey. I can’t explain it.”

Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “Ouch!  Ouch! This is hot!“<Throws bag of steamed vegetables at Lisa>  “You take it!

Speaker of Sweet-Nothings

Matt:  <laughing>  “I want to say something but it’s gonna creep you out.”

Lisa:  “Just say it.”

Matt: “No. I’m creeped out just thinking about it.”

photo (2)

Please excuse my humidity hair. New Orleans is humid y’all!

A Jokester

Lisa: “That’s a Matt Newlin joke.” 

Matt: “No it’s not. I wouldn’t ever say something so lame…unless it was about a horse that had to be put down.” <Gives a Goddamned sh*t-eating grin>

Doctor Love

Lisa:  “I need to get my birth control prescription.”

Matt:  “Where do you go for that? Do you go to a urologist? Or maybe a HERologist?

World’s Best Listener

Lisa:  “And so I was thinking…

Matt:  <Gets up and leaves the room> “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lisa:  “I was in the middle of telling you a story.”

Matt:  “I knew where it was going.”

We really do love each other!

We really do love each other!

Tom Hardy’s #1 Fan

Lisa:  “Isn’t Tom Hardy bisexual? I thought he was.”

Matt:  “Tom Hardy is not bisexual. He’s just so straight that he bangs guys. That doesn’t make him bisexual.”

Steel Trap Memory

Lisa: “What else did you say the other night when we were talking about going to Mexico?

Matt: “I don’t know. You know I don’t listen to myself.

So what was your favorite Matt Newlism of the month? Tell me all about it!

funny crap my husband says, August 2014I’m not even going to pretend this time that you guys are here to read my writing.  I’ve finally accepted that the real reason my blog stays in business (albiet making no money) is because of the funny crap my husband says.  I really need to trademark this $hit.

This month I have so many that I’ve actually had to hold some back for next month, which is just downright ridiculous.  It’s also a teaser for next month.

Let’s just get this party started.

Television Producer

Matt:  “That relationship is destined to end in a murder-suicide.  When it’s on Dateline it can be called “Murder-suey in St. Louie.”

Humble Servant

Lisa:  “You were right about this ONE thing.  Big deal.  A broken clock is right twice a day.”

Matt:  “Yeah.  And this broken clock was right today.”

This was the item he was right about.  Look at him.  Pure.  Joy.

This was the item he was right about. Look at him. Pure. Joy.

Butter Fingers

<sound of microwave turntable moving in the other room>

Matt:  “It’s ok.  I’m fine.  Don’t worry.”

Lisa:  “I knew what that sound was and I knew you were fine.”

Matt:  “Fortunately I was.  But I could have gotten a bruise that would have lasted for days.”

Employee of the Month

Matt:  “Isn’t that why we all have full time jobs?  So we can print stuff for free?”

Green Thumb

Matt:  “We should go sit outside for lunch and take Shady Jack.”

Lisa:  “That sounds good.  Where do you want to go?”

Matt:  “I don’t know.  I plant the seed of knowledge and you have to water it.”

Celebrating our birthdays that are three days apart.  We ate so much food.  So.  Much.  Food.

Celebrating our birthdays that are three days apart. We ate so much food. So. Much. Food.

Bladder of Steel

Matt:  “You go ahead and get in the pool.  I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lisa:  “Ok.”

Matt:  “Nah.  I’ll just pee in the pool.”

Reasonably Flexible

Lisa:  “Why don’t you just do it this way?  Your way doesn’t make any sense.”

Matt:  “This conversation doesn’t make any sense.”

Mechanical Engineer

Lisa:  “My seatbelt is stuck.  I can’t get it.”

Matt:  “Stop pulling on it and it will work.”

Lisa:  “Ok.  You do it.”

<Matt can’t get it unstuck>

Matt:  “I don’t know why you have to break things.”

Renaissance Man

<laying in bed and pointing to the window next to the bed>

Matt:  “Hey.  I opened up this window with my foot.  Are you impressed?”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my husband.  And yes, I married him because he could open a window with his foot.

<swoon>

Which one was your favorite?

Lisa and Matt at Hooers

Just want to be alone 3dAs many of you know, my husband is hilarious, even though most of the time it isn’t intentional.  Aside from making us all laugh with his insightful comments, he’s helped me become published in another book!

Believe it or not, I was selected by the amazingly wonderful Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat to be part of her newest book, “I Just Want to Be Alone,” which is a follow up to her successful “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

I know.  I can’t believe it either.

It’s a humor book about the men in our lives and the funnier parts of being in a relationship.

The good news is that although it comes out on March 22, 2014,  you can pre-order a copy now.

You can get the Kindle version or the paperback version, or both because you love me and want to have access to my musings wherever you go.

pay no attentionTo pre-order, go now and spend the best few bucks you’ll ever spend.  You’ll thank me for it.  I promise.

Kindle: click here

Paperback:  click here

*The links for Nook, iTunes, and Smashwords will be updated after the book is released on March 22nd.*

Who else is in the book?  Some awesomely funny ladies, many of whom I have blog crushes on.  Check them out!

And thank you to each of you.  I wouldn’t have the confidence to continue to write if you weren’t so supportive of me.

I love knowing I make you laugh and that means everything to me.

Here are the funny ladies!

People I Want To Punch In The Throat

Baby Sideburns

Moms Who Drink and Swear

AK Turner

Bad Parenting Moments

Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Diva

The Ugly Volvo

Let Me Start By Saying

Motherhood WTF?

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Frugalista Blog

Toulouse and Tonic

Nicole Leigh Shaw

Somewhat Sane Mom

My Life Suckers

The Mom of the Year

Hollow Tree Ventures

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

Funny is Family

Abby Has Issues

Kissing the Frog

Nurse Mommy Laughs

Our Small Moments

I’m Still Learning

The Fordeville Diaries

You’re My Favorite Today

Life on Peanut Layne

Loripalooza

I Love Them the Most When They Are Sleeping

Ironic Mom

From Meredith to Mommy

The Nomad Mom Diary

649.133: Girls, the care and maintenance of

Keeper of the Fruit Loops

Magnolia Ripkin

 

Isn't he cute?

Isn’t he cute?

My husband and I recently decided to test the bounds of our relationship:  We took on a home improvement project.

When we bought our house, the guest bedroom was a shade of baby blue that no baby has ever been able to successfully rock.

Unfortunately, we were too tired from bossing the moving men around to paint the room back then, but we figured we’d get to it later.

***Enter five years later***

A few weeks ago we decided to take on this painting project.

Maybe we were incapacitated, or maybe we were just stupid, but either way, we decided to paint the room and roll the dice on if our marriage would survive.

Cleaning before painting.  Even though paint wasn't opened at this point, it was still crucial he wore the HazMat suit.

Cleaning before painting. Even though paint hasn’t been opened at this point, it’s crucial to wear the HazMat suit.

SIDE NOTE:  Home Depot and Lowe’s should add a complimentary divorce kit to any home improvement project purchase over $200.  It would be an excellent service to their customers.

Fortunately, our marriage (and our walls) survived painting and redoing our bedroom.

Of course, my husband said a few funny things throughout the day that helped get me through.

Smelling paint thinner also helped.

 

Idea Man

The kids are using Pinterest these days.  They tell me there’s good stuff on there.”

FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, WHENEVER WE SAW ANYTHING WE LIKED AT THE STORE…

Pin it!

Inspirational Speaker

We haven’t made any mistake that can’t be fixed.”

LESS THAN 2 MINUTES LATER….

Well, that can’t be fixed!

Doesn't it look like he's not wearing shorts under his painting suit?  He is, but still...

Doesn’t it look like he’s not wearing shorts under his painting suit? He is, but still…

The Musician

Lisa:  “I have California Girls in my head.”

Matt:  “Crap.  Now I do too. Wait, which one?  Katy Perry or the Beach Boys version?  I want to be on the same page.”

The Martyr

Matt:  “I’m tired and hungry.”

Lisa:  “Poor baby.  How do you do it?  How do you forge ahead when things are this difficult?

Matt:  “One day at a time…<sighs and hold head down> One day at a time…

Wealth of Knowledge

Matt:  “There was an interesting article the other day about how people are able to walk across hot coals.”

Lisa:  “How do they do it?

Matt:  “I don’t know.  I didn’t read the article.”

The Fashionista

Lisa:  “You can’t wear your Chuck Taylors while you paint.”

Matt:  “I can wear my Chuck Taylors and do anything.”

Can you believe he chose the Chuck Taylor's that most closely matched his outfit?

Can you believe he chose the Chuck Taylor’s that most closely matched his outfit?

Kissing at receptionFor those of you who read my blog regularly, you know that I frequently talk about my husband.  That poor guy puts up with so much of my abuse.  But then again, so do you, my dear reader.

Why do you read this blog again?  No seriously.  Why?  Send me an email and tell me.

Anyway, I know with every one of the posts I write about funny stuff my husband says, you’re wondering “How does she do it? How does she have such a happy marriage?”

I know you’re also wondering when Matt will wise up and realize he can do better and there’s plenty of other women out there who don’t fart like guys.

I’m wondering the same thing.  I’ll just stock up on air freshener until then and hope he doesn’t figure that out.

snapshot of getting marriedSince I regale you with random information that’s not at all useful, I’ve decided to switch it up and make this a useful and informative post.  Yeah, I know.  I’m trying something new and different.  Don’t get used to it.

Without making you wait any longer (mostly because I know you have short attention spans), here are Lisa Newlin’s secrets to a happy marriage.

These tips work for me, and they may work for you too.  But then again, do you really want to take advice from a chick who thinks watching The World’s Strongest Man on a Saturday night is a perfect date night?

Whatever. Just look at the pretty pictures and read it anyway.

close up of getting married 1.  Fear

Your husband should always be at least a little scared of you.  No more than 10% though.  Anything more than that would just make you a bitch.

2.  Compromise

This is done on his part only.  Your compromise is dealing with his wet towel on the floor every day of his existence, so you can’t be expected to compromise on which pizza joint you will patronize for dinner too.

You’re far too important for that.

0753.  Let him know you’re the boss

Can he have a guy’s night watching The Fast and the Furious and playing X-box?  Of course he can (assuming the parents of the 9 year-olds down the street are cool with it too.)

But don’t let him know you’re totally fine with getting him out of the house for a couple of hours.  Build suspense for a while, and he may just try to bribe you.

That leads me to my next point…

walking after wedding4.  Bribe him

To quote Martha Stewart*, “It’s a good thing.”  Granted, she is usually referring to making garden tools out of spaghetti and toilet paper rolls when she says that, but the phrase applies here as well.

Society tries so hard to convince us that bribery is a bad thing, what with all the scandals and whatnot.  However, bribing works.  Just ask the mafia.

*Note:  Don’t quote Martha Stewart when it comes to stock advice.

5.  Hire a cleaning lady (or man)

I’m not picky about the gender.  Either way, hire someone else to clean the house.  Lord knows you don’t want to do it, as you’re too busy bribing him, making him compromise, and letting him know you’re the boss.

Plus, it’s pretty hard to impart fear in someone when you’re elbow-deep in toilet water.

Now go and prosper and be happily married.  You can send your thank you gifts directly to me.  Cash is best.  Or burritos.  If you send cash, I’ll use it to buy burritos.

 

Secrets to happy marriage

Sarcasm and sweatMy husband goes to the gym every day.  I know.  He’s obviously a douche.  Believe me, I didn’t find him this way.

When we met, I was a runner and worked out every day.  I would actually crave it and if I didn’t make it to the gym, I would have a bad day.  WHAT?!  I was clearly delusional.

I wonder if I had a tumor that was pushing on my brain, forcing me to make irrational decisions.  My dad had a brain tumor years ago, although he just got sick and lost weight.  I definitely don’t have that kind.  (Don’t worry, he survived and is alive and well, and warning me of the dangers of diabetes.)

260What was I talking about?  Ah yes, making fun of my husband.

Somehow during our relationship, mostly at my prodding, my husband discovered running.  I, on the other hand, discovered mint-flavored Oreos.

Although I still go to the gym, I’m not a regular anymore like my husband is.  He goes every morning at 5:30, while I’m at home fast asleep, dreaming of pizza and wings.  It’s a system that works for us.

This morning, I went to the gym with him.  It was partially because I was awake when he went, and partially because I inhaled half of a cookie cake the night before.

No joke.  I totally did.

We headed to the gym, and when we arrived, two employees greeted us as we scanned in.  Matt went first, and then said the following to me:

You’re going to take your little card, and put it up here to the scanner.  It will scan it and let the gym know we pay for a membership for you.”

Both employees stared at me in horror.

getting kissWe have a very sarcastic relationship, and a phrase commonly heard in our house is “I’m so sick of your face.”  This is always uttered by me.

Am I sick of his face?  It depends on the day and the amount of butt grabs I’ve received, but I love my husband more than anyone.  Just don’t tell him that.

Of course, we sound serious and the woman looked at me in shock, clearly amazed that I allowed such condescension.  Clearly, she knew I normally wore the pants in the relationship, and was confused I was so passive.

Normally, I would call him a dick-face or an a$$, but I decided to have a little fun at his expense.

I looked down to the ground, scanned my card without eye contact, and slowly turned around.  Matt kissed me on the cheek and went to the weight room.  As he walked away, I looked pleadingly at the girl and mouthed “Help me!” before shuffling toward the elliptical machines.

I suspect the cops will be giving my husband a call later today to investigate the allegations the woman most certainly filed with the local police department.  I will make sure I’m not home when he gets the call.

Maggie's collage

Photos copyrighted by Maggie Stolzberg.
Reproduction of this material is prohibited and violates federal law.
Check out her site at http://maggiestolzberg.com/.
She’s a talented photographer and an even more amazing human being.

****NOTE:  We let the employee know we were joking.  This is a sarcastic post, and in no way is an attempt to mock those dealing with spousal abuse.  If you are suffering from abuse, there are options. PLEASE, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).  

You don’t have to live in fear, and there are resources to assist you.  If you have questions, visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org/ or tell the local authorities or someone you trust.  Although I jokingly reference it in this post, actual spousal abuse occurs and is no laughing matter.

It’s not your fault, but you can get help.****

Voicemails to my hubandMy husband never listens to voicemail from me.  I find this strange because if I got a voicemail from me, I would listen to it immediately.

I might actually ignore the call from me just so I could receive a voicemail and save it…so I could hear my voice whenever I needed comfort; like whenever Taylor Swift comes out with a new album.  (We get it.  You were dumped and can’t ever find love.  It’s probably because you make a pouty face in photos and you’ve never been introduced to a straightening iron.)

Excuse me a moment while I leave myself a voicemail.

Okay, I’m back.  I left an inspirational voicemail to myself questioning why Luv’s doesn’t make tampons.  It seems like such a no-brainer and a great cross-marketing idea.

As you can see, my voicemails are brilliant, which is all the more reason my husband should listen to them.  So every now and then, I like to leave him voicemail with interesting (and hilarious) content, just to see if he listens.  Here are a few examples of my recent attempts:

  • “I cheated on you with the busboy from Applebee’s and we’re having a love child we’re going to name after the appetizer that brought us together.”
  • “I just violated myself with a pineapple and wanted you to know in case there’s some extra rind down there.”
  • “On a totally unrelated note, we need more pineapple.  And Neosporin.”
  • “I know you’ve been trying to get into that zumba class at the gym, and today they told me there was an opening for you.  I told them you didn’t look good in neon, and declined the invitation. You don’t look good in neon.”
  • “I spiked your lunch with a diuretic because you look a little bloated.  You’re welcome.”
  • “When you come home today, whatever you do, don’t look in the hall closet.  I rescued a feral cat today and he doesn’t like men, or the smell of cheap cologne.  You lose on both counts.”

I’ve never received a response.

If you’d like me to leave you inspirational voicemail like this, just let me know.  I won’t charge anything more than the long distance charge I get when I use my rotary phone from my land line.