Frickety Frick, people! I’m this month’s assassin in the Character Assassination Carousel over at http://www.ninjamomblog.com/. She’s a big deal and has a hilarious blog and I’m actually still in shock that she enlisted me to be an assassin. I wonder if I get paid in Skittles.
I wonder if I can get paid in Skittles.
In case you’re not “in the know,” The Character Assassination Carousel is a monthly murder of a children’s book. Don’t worry, it’s a clean kill, so there’s no messy clean up.
Each month a new assassin takes his/her best shot at a ridiculous children’s book. This month, I’m mocking “Where’s Waldo?”
I know, it’s an easy target, but I’m an easy girl.
Wait…that came out wrong…
I don’t have kids, which is probably for the best, but doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy my monthly subscription to Highlights Magazine, or an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants. (He lives in a Pineapple, people! UNDER THE SEA!)
If only enjoying children’s TV shows could get me into the pre-boarding spot at the airport. Apparently you actually have to have kids with you for that. Pfft!
Despite my lack of little ones, I still enjoy the beloved “Where’s Waldo?” books***. Why wouldn’t I? Each edition is visually stimulating, and even more maddening than the next.
***NOTE: If any of you would like to peruse one of these fine pieces of literature, I would recommend purchasing one for yourself. In my experience, parents frown upon strangers looking over their child’s shoulder pointing out Waldo. This activity can get you escorted out of the airport and placed on some sort of watch list. Hypothetically, of course.***
However, with my love of tracking down the elusive Waldo comes a series of questions. I’m demanding answers and hoping to get more than “Because Waldo is awesome.” (Thanks for that enlightening tid-bit, Mom.)
I deserve better than that, and so do the fine kids who are looking for him.
For those of you not on the same heightened literary plane as me, “Where’s Waldo?” is a series of picture books where the reader is summoned to find Waldo in a sea of people, places and things.
It’s harder than it sounds, as Waldo is a master of disguise, which is probably why his books have been so successful; his mortgage payment depends on not being able to locate him easily.
So the first obvious question I have is “Where’s Waldo?” Although you may be able to locate him on paper, as far as I know, no one has ever met this mysterious fellow. We’ve only seen his meme.
Does he ever go out in public as himself? He doesn’t do book signings or publicity junkets, which truly speaks volumes to the success of his books. Most publicists demand such things to drive sales. Maybe he just doesn’t need it.
Really though, where is he?
Honestly, I hope he’s in prison, because that guy is probably a pedophile and shouldn’t be featured in children’s books anyway.
Something about him hiding in plain sight just creeps me out and makes me wonder if he’s housing a stash of fingers in a hope chest in his basement.
If no one has ever met him, do we know if he’s a real person? Maybe he’s the mythical Keyser Soze of children’s books.**
**Where’s Waldo? books are not only children’s books. They’re also books for a highly sophisticated writer who writes a fascinating and hilarious blog http://lisanewlin.com. I’m just saying.
Since we don’t know who he is, the next logical question is “Why, Waldo? Why are you hiding?”
The first reason that comes to mind is that he’s on the lamb. For what? I’m not sure, but I have a feeling it has to do with loan sharking. I just have a hunch.
Trust me on this.
Why is he so intent on hiding? I suspect it’s because he’s wanted by Interpol, which would make sense, as his travels span many continents. Has anyone ever considered looking at his passport? Is his name listed as only “Waldo” and nothing more?
How did he get to be so good at hiding? What do we know about this Waldo guy, anyway? We allow his likeness to come into our homes and sit on our coffee tables and backs of toilets, yet we know so little about him and his profession.
Is he a spy? Where did he get his mad hiding skills? Was it from years of playing hide and seek with his siblings? Does he have siblings? Did he assassinate them at a young age? Is that why he’s on the lamb?
Now, I realize this next question may seem to be off topic, but follow it through. “Why is he always wearing the same sweater?”
It seems to me that if you want to blend in, wearing the same red and white striped sweater isn’t the best way to become a wallflower (unless you’re in a candy cane-themed room. Then it’s truly the only way to become a wallflower).
Either way, I would think frequent costume changes would assist in avoiding detection. Does he have several of those same sweaters, or is he just wearing the exact same outfit everyday?
I hope for everyone’s sake he has several of the same sweaters and he swaps them out every few days.
Otherwise, he’d be easy to locate based purely on body odor alone. I suspect all that evading authorities would cause one to perspire, and if that sweater is a polyester blend, it will hold onto a stench until the end of time.
And what about those glasses? Why not switch those up every now and again too? I know the hipster look is in style at the moment (arguably), but shouldn’t he consider rocking some different frames to avoid detection? Maybe he should get some contacts too. Does he have a condition preventing a change in eyewear? Those astigmatisms can be a real bitch.
And yet, despite all of my questions, he continues to evade all of us, and in a strange way, I say “Bravo to you, Waldo, if that is your real name.”
On second thought, maybe he doesn’t skirt all of us. Maybe it’s just my prying eyes he manages to avoid. But then again, my eyes are usually filtered through a hazy film of vodka, so perhaps he isn’t as elusive as he thinks he is.
I’m not sure if this is on the up-and-up to disclose other assassins, as I don’t know if assassins have an oath of silence. I guess we will all find out soon if I mysteriously go missing. For now, I shall ignore Omerta and tell you who the previous assassin was. It was my friend Sarah at The Sadder But Wiser Girl.
She’s guest posted on my page before, and she’s awesome and hilarious. If you go visit her, and you should, tell her I sent you. Please also tell her our secret code she knows you’re legit. It’s Character Assassin Carousel.
It’s so obvious no one will guess it. Let’s keep that password our little secret.
Who is the next assassin?
Her name is Bonnie Blackburn. The name alone suggests her character assassin will be brilliant!