Funny crap my husband says, March 2014 edition - lisanewlin.com -I’ve been gone for a while and some of you have actually noticed, which totally makes my day!  Granted, some of you may have inquired as to my absence if for no other reason than to wonder when more of my antics will appear so you can mock me.  I’m fine with it.

So what better way to celebrate my not-so-noticeable absence than with an installment of your favorite monthly column?  I must say that although I enjoy every month’s collections, this month is especially hilarious.

For those of you new to this column, every month I write down random funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.  Sadly, I don’t have access to writing utensils many of the times he says something extra hilarious, so many of them go forgotten.  But these are the ones I was able to save and happily share with you.  Enjoy.

The Saint

Matt:  “I have a headache.”
Lisa:  “Take some Tylenol.”
Matt:  “Nah.  It’s easier to sit here and complain about it.”

Completely Logical

Lisa:  “You always turn that lamp off whenever I turn it on.  Why?”
Matt:  “I have my reasons.”
Lisa:  “What are they?”
Matt:  “I’m not sure.”

Matt and Lisa at dinner at Scottish ArmsGood Samaritan

Matt:  “It’s a little slippery on the front step.  Be careful not to fall.”
Lisa:  “You be careful too.”
Matt:  “Oh, it’s not slippery for a normal person.  Just you.”

Purveyor of Fine Smells

Matt:  “It stinks.  Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt:  “Wait.  Did I fart?  Yep.  That’s me.”

Food Critic

Lisa:  “Sorry you hated the new recipe I tried tonight.”
Matt:  “I didn’t hate it.  It just…wasn’t good.”

Dance Expert

Lisa:  “My jaw keeps popping.”
Matt:  “Does it also keep locking?”

Activist

Matt:  “What kind of sandwich do you want me to order for you?
Lisa:  “The traditional.”
Matt:  “Is that a sandwich only to be shared between a man and a woman?”

VIP

Matt:  “I have to go to sleep now.  I have a big day tomorrow.  <pause> No I don’t.”

Matt and Lisa close up in NOLaid Back

Matt:  “I’m easy.  Like Sunday morning.  Do you know what my nickname was in high school?  Pie. Because I was that easy.  I should be a Cover Girl because I’m so easy and breezy.”

Criminal Outlaw

Lisa:  “If you go to trial on a speeding ticket, they would pull your driving record.”
Matt:  “Would they also pull my awesome record?  Because I think that’s relevant.  Do you know what that record would consist of?  My Facebook page.”

Topical Conversationalist

Matt:  “No one talks about El Nino anymore.  Let’s talk about that sh*t.

Grateful Husband

Matt:  “Can you get me a glass of water?
Lisa:  “Yes.”
Matt:  “Thanks.  I could make a sweater out of you because you’re a lamb.”

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Other places I’m on the Internet this week

10 “Weird” Things Couples Do That Are Totally Normal (with funny Gifs!)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends, But Not Her Husband (with funny Gifs!)

 

This woman cracks me up.  It's probably going to be me in a few years. photo credit: Diueine via photopin cc

This woman cracks me up. It’s probably going to be me in a few years.
photo credit: Diueine via photopin cc

Okay people, I’m super swamped with stuff* because I’m super important.

*I’m almost to the final level in Super Mario Brothers 2 and I can’t be bothered to update my blog.  A girl has priorities.

So, because I know you will shrivel and die without hearing from me regularly and reading my musings, I’ve decided to write a post with a compilation of some of my random Facebook updates over the years.

In a way, they’re my musings and thoughts, and every one of them is pure gold.  Obviously.

  • I just saw a guy at the grocery store at 8:45 this morning buying Vodka and pizza rolls. He’s gonna have a good day!
  • The best way to determine how much someone loves dogs is to see how many nose prints are on the inside of their car windows.
  • I just J-walked in front of a police officer.  I’m such a rebel!
  • A couple next to me at the pool has been arguing all day. I’m considering drafting their divorce agreement for free if they will shut up.
  • I need a power nap. And by “power nap” I mean a week of doing nothing but sleeping.
  • I’m  headed to the shooting range this morning to learn how to shoot a gun. If all goes well, I encourage you to be nicer to me, as I may be packing heat from here on out.
photo credit: niffyat via photopin cc
photo credit: niffyat via photopin cc
  • Last night’s workout was definitely counteracted by the Big Mac and fries I had for dinner.
  • Dear obnoxious biker dude, Yes, you have a Harley and it’s loud.  We’re all impressed and know you have big balls.  Now shut up.  It’s 6:30 a.m.
  • I just learned that my dog is the humper at doggie daycare.  Is that like the biter at kiddie daycare?
  • I’m going to dominate the golf tournament today. And by “dominate” I mean “sit in the golf cart and drink beer.”
  • I’m watching thin models on America’s Next Top Model while stuffing my face with pizza.  It’s invigorating.
  • Pre-marriage statement: “There’s frost on your car this morning…but I scraped it off.”  Post-marriage statement: “There’s frost on your car this morning…better leave early so you can scrape it off.”  **DISCLAIMER** Matt scraped my windows this morning. Whether prompting was involved is another story.
  • I fear my husband will discover it’s breast cancer awareness month and use it as an “opportunity to check for lumps.” Constantly.
  • I’m embarrassed to report that every night of vacation when the maid comes in to turn down our bed, we’re already in it. Pa-thetic!
  • I’m beginning to think that Halloween on Facebook is far better than Halloween in real life. I get to see everyone’s cute kids in costumes, but I don’t have to (1) get up to answer the door or (2) share my candy.
  • I’ve done nothing all morning and I predict more of the same for the rest of the day.
  • I’m a little embarrassed that I fell asleep at the spa today in the meditation room, but even more embarrassed that my snoring woke me up.
  • I’m hoping the Rams will feel my presence at the game today and pull out a win.  If not, I’ll just drink.  It’s a win-win.
  • It’s much easier (and more fun) to ingest calories than it is to burn them off.

So yeah, inspirational, right?  I’m pretty much like a daily devotional.

photo credit: Victor Bezrukov via photopin cc

photo credit: Victor Bezrukov via photopin cc

SNOW STORMSI live in the Midwest, which is lame almost every day of the year.  It’s a glowing endorsement for this part of the country, I know.  There are a few times of year where it isn’t quite so punch-me-in-the-face-just-so-I-can-feel-lame.

I’m definitely not saying there are days where it’s fun and enjoyable.  I wouldn’t go that far.  But there are a few times of year when living in the Midwest isn’t so bad, as long as you view it with an eye for humor (and a belly full of liquor).

One of the most entertaining times to live in the Midwest is when there’s a winter storm.  I realize most people think a winter storm occurs when there are several inches of snow and ice, the roads are deadly, and people are boiling water on gas stoves just to stay warm.

Not a single one of these things defines a winter storm in the Midwest.

What does?  “ANY forecast of ANY variation of precipitation that MIGHT not immediately melt when it hits the ground.”  Yes, that’s the actual definition for “winter storm” in the Midwest.  Look it up.

A “winter storm” was scheduled to hit my city this morning, and because I’m a huge planner, I was completely prepared.  I was stocked up with several flashlights, fresh batteries, several rolls of toilet paper, clean blankets, and the entire first season of Sherlock on Blu-ray.  (The Blu-ray wasn’t so much something I needed to survive the storm, but more something I wanted because  Benedict Cumberbatch is dreamy in the nerdiest of ways.)

The snow began to fall this morning and as I watched it, I felt a sense of accomplishment for being so prepared for the obvious blizzard that was set to destroy us all.

And then it hit me.  I realized I didn’t have the basic essentials to get through a winter storm.  (Don’t worry.  I had liquor.)   What I didn’t have was an excessive amount of carbohydrates and sugar.  Those are the two things guaranteed to keep you warm during a winter storm.  True story.

I knew I had to act quickly.  I grabbed my keys and headed out the door to get necessary supplies.  There was no time to brush my teeth…or my hair…or to put on a bra.  It was an emergency and the people at the grocery store would have to turn their eyes and noses away from my horrid presence.  I figured they already knew to do that anyway, as this is my basic look whenever I go to the store.  This time was the first time I actually had an excuse.

When I arrived I had difficulty finding a parking spot because the lot was filled with vehicles ready to be filled with necessities.  Fortunately, I was able to elbow an old guy out of a spot close to the door and I felt good about it.  I’m sure he needed his exercise for the day and forcing him to walk further from his parking spot to the store was my way of ensuring he got it.  I’m such a good Samaritan that way, even in times of crisis.  He didn’t even say thank you.

I went inside and headed straight to section of the grocery store that was most crucial to my survival during the storm:  the bakery.  I walked right over to the cookies and proceeded to hand-pick a few cookies to get me through this storm.  (A “few” means ten, right?”)

I already felt better knowing one of the two necessities for a snow storm was safely in my hands.  Well, it wasn’t safely in my hands because nothing is safe when in my possession, but you get the point.

 

Bentley in snowI then headed to the frozen food section to get the other basic requirements for a blizzard:  frozen pizzas.  Fortunately, once again I was successful and quickly found several varieties of California Pizza Kitchen frozen pizzas. 

I debated if I should purchase them or not, simply because buying an item with the name of a perpetually sunny state in the title didn’t seem like a good idea when the end of the world was coming in the form of thundersnow. 

But then I remembered that CPK pizza is amaze-balls so I grabbed two boxes and headed to the checkout.

As I walked through the aisles I saw people getting eggs, bread, milk and items from the meat department.   These people had all gone off the deep end and clearly didn’t know what it took to get through a winter storm successfully.  (No one had alcohol in their carts either…a sure sign they wouldn’t make it through alive…or at least they wouldn’t make it through happy.)

I headed to the checkout and took in the sight of all the others racing around trying to get everything before the storm picked up.  No one else was standing in line to check out with only cookies and frozen pizzas.  Then I realized something.  Winter storms, or even the thought of winter storms, brings out the fat kid in me.

Granted, the fat kid in me doesn’t ever have to be coaxed to come out, as he lives close to the surface in the muffin top of extra skin that folds over my pants.  I call him Henry.

Henry obviously loves winter and everything it represents. Instead of being embarrassed about my inner fat kid wanting to bitch slap healthy eating during a blizzard, I decided to embrace it.  After all, winter storms don’t happen everyday, and Henry needed a strong dose of pre-diabetic sugar overload to get him through the storm.

I went to the self-checkout to avoid stares from the cashiers who would undoubtedly judge my choice of essentials.  After only struggling briefly with the cash register, I grabbed my cookies and pizza and walked to my car as quickly as I could.  I wanted to get home ASAP to make sure the cookies were delicious enough for winter storm consumption.

As I approached my car, I noticed an old man walking slowly down the parking lot, heading towards the store.  I tried not to hit him with my car as I drove away, thinking about how horrible it was that he had to park so far from the entrance.  Someone really should have given him a parking spot closer to the door.