signs you're not a gardenerSpring is in the air, which means your eyes are puffy from pollen and you go from using your heater to your air conditioner all in the span of 24 hours.

For as long as I can remember, my parents spent the weekends in the spring and summer cultivating their gardens (and their wine habit). I always assumed I would follow in their footsteps, albiet those steps were stepping stones in a sea of green grass.

However, for some reason I missed the gardening-loving gene, although I did inherit the wine habit.

I learned the hard way that I didn’t have a green thumb. Unfortunately, my hostas and my manicure fell victim to this lesson.

However, in the hopes of saving the world from unnecessary manicure massacres, I’ve compiled a list to help you figure out if you’re a gardener or not.

1.  You think buying plant food means ordering a salad.

http://giphy.com

2.  You like your garden clean and free of dirt.

3.  You prefer to do all gardening indoors.

 

4.  You think a spade is only something in a deck of cards.

 

5.  Wearing gloves isn’t enough to convince you to touch dirt.

 

6.  You can’t keep your artificial plants alive.

 

7.  You don’t look good in hats and your skin is far too delicate for direct sunlight.

8.  You always tip over the watering can.

9.  Even drawings of flowers make you break out in hives.

 

10.  You think gardening is sexy only when it’s done by the sexy hunk you hired.

 

Hopefully this list helped you decide if you have a green thumb.  Personally, it’s not the thumb I think of when I think of gardening.

It’s another finger entirely…


Other places on the web this week where I’m cracking people up!

8 Ridiculously Petty Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

10 “Wierd” Things That Couples Do That Are Totally Normal

 

photo credit: Tobyotter via photopin cc

photo credit: Tobyotter via photopin cc

Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, you probably have neighbors.*

*If you live in the middle of nowhere, are you looking to sell to a brilliantly hilarious blogger?

I’ve lived in many places over the years and have encountered several different kinds of neighbors. From apartments to condos to houses, one thing is constant:  Neighbors are fricking weird.

Granted, every now and then you’ll get lucky enough to live next to someone who doesn’t do yoga in the nude with the windows open, but that’s not always the case.

(A note to my neighbors: allow me to apologize for my downward dog position sans pants.  If you don’t like it, buy me curtains.)

Because I like to think my blog provides a public service to all of you, I’ve compiled a list of the different types of neighbors.

Perhaps you have one of these, or perhaps you are one of these.

If you’re the kind of neighbor who likes to bake things, allow me to quote Mr. Rogers and ask “Won’t you be my neighbor?” (Only without all the creepy old man in a sweater stuff.)

The Dog Lady:  You’re pretty sure she’s operating a kennel and the amount of poo coming from that house could fertilize the lawns of the entire subdivision

The Grouch:  A real-life version of Oscar the Grouch, but without the trash can

The Constant Gardener:  (Not like the movie.) Everyone (or just you) pick(s) flowers from her garden daily and she rarely notices

The Baker: She loves baking sweets and you let her make snacks for your kids’ school and your office parties

The Gossip: There’s no need for tabloids.  Just ask her

photo credit: mmatins via photopin cc

photo credit: mmatins via photopin cc

The Nosy Neighbor:  If you can’t remember what you had for breakfast, she can tell you

The Trusty One:  You have her house key…and so does everyone else

The Hoarder: It’s a garage sale everyday!

The Strutter:  She prances around the neighborhood in her tight shorts…in December

The Old Chain Smoker:  The amount of smoke coming from his house causes a weekly call to the fire station

The Friendly Waver:  Her arms are toned from her greetings to every passerby

Maybe you’ve found your neighbor in the group, or maybe you’ve located yourself among this list.  As far as my neighborhood goes, I’m the Grouch and the Crazy Dog Lady.

I’m cool with it though.

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Wanna see where else I’ve been on the internet recently?

The 10 Commandments of Toddlers

Top 9 Signs It’s Time for a New Bra

Anatomy of a Temper Tantrum

Which of These Kids’ Songs Is Most Annoying

The Secret World Under Your Couch Cushions

How To Tell If You’re Getting Flowers This Valentine’s Day