funny crap my husband says, july 2014My husband frequently blurts out nuggets of wisdom, most of which are unintentional, all of which are hilarious.  I’m not sure where he comes up with this crap.  I probably don’t want to know.

Either way, here’s the monthly installment of some of the ridiculous things he’s said in the past month.

And no, he wasn’t drunk when he said any of them.  It’s a fair question.

Millionaire

Lisa:  “Do you know what swagbucks are?”

Matt:  “No.  But I figure I must have at least a million of them in the bank.”

Dating Coach

Matt:  “Tinder is like Match.com minus the dignity.”

Musician

Lisa:  “You don’t know this band?”

Matt:  “No.”

Lisa:  “It’s Color Me Badd.”

Matt:  “Well, color me embarrassed.”

photo 1Pool Boy

Matt:  “There’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool  One is way more subtle.”

Foodie

Matt:  “I had a dream we went to a strip club for lunch and we had the buffet.”

Lisa:  “That sounds….interesting.

Matt:  “Yeah.  I wanted to go there for lunch today but I know the buffet isn’t on your diet.”

TV Critic

Lisa:  “You don’t like Cosmos?”

Matt:  “No.  It’s too much animation.  Just tell me the things.”

Why 80s TV is awesomeI recently got rid of cable because I was sick of bending over every month when I got the bill.  However, I didn’t want to miss rotting my brain on a daily basis so I’ve turned to things like Hulu+ and Netflix to help me get my fix of mindless TV.

Imagine my excitement when I began exploring and discovered many of my favorite 80s television shows were available for viewing.

So I grabbed my jelly bracelets, poured a glass of Tang and got to work re-watching the best television sitcoms ever.

Except they weren’t the best.

Some of them were actually pretty horrible.  What were we thinking in the 80s?  How did we find these premises entertaining?  A show about an abandoned child who took up residence in a vacant apartment only to be subsequently adopted by the building owner?  And her name was Punky Brewster?  Seriously?  Her adoptive father wasn’t reported to Child Services for letting her keep that name? Preposterous!

Then I realized most of the 80s sitcoms were equally as ridiculous, so I made a list of 10 of my favorite shows of the 80s and what was wrong with the premise of each.

It didn’t take long.

Why did we watch this-Saved by the Bell:  This kid-friendly show starred a lead character who was positively horrible.  He regularly screwed over his friends who always forgave him, only to set themselves up to be screwed over again the following week.  And since when is a preppy kid best friends with a nerd and a jock?  Not in my high school!

Mr. Belvedere:  This was one of my favorites although I never realized how creepy the show was.  A housekeeper who wore a jacket and tie everyday?  Strange.  A guy who kept a daily journal about living with kids and then read it aloud to himself every night in his room?  Hello sex offender.

Alf:  The Tanners were able to keep a talking stuffed animal quiet and undetected even though he lived in their DETACHED garage?  How stupid are we?  My neighbors root around in my detached garage and all that’s in there is a raccoon nest and bags of leaves I keep forgetting to get rid of. He would have been discovered in one week…tops.

Murder, She Wrote:  A show about a famous author who solves mysteries.  Here’s one mystery she never solved; why was everyone around her always getting murdered?!  Maybe that should have been the series finale.

My Two Dads:  So basically, your mom was a slut?  That’s the premise of the show that we’ve somehow managed to overlook in this quirky comedy.  And she was such a hoebag that didn’t even have a “type” as the two potential fathers were polar opposites.  Clearly she just gave it away to any guy she met at a bar. Not exactly clean family fun.  Wait, that describes some of my friends in college.

The Cosby Show:  I never understood why Bill Cosby’s character was named Cliff Huxtable yet it was called “The Cosby Show.”  It baffled my young mind and continues to do so.  Why not just call it “The Huxtables” or give the characters the last name of Cosby?  It seems to me Bill Cosby must have had insecurities that people wouldn’t watch the show unless they knew who was in it.

tv-46909_1280Cheers:  A show about a bar that was open in the middle of the day and only a few people ever paid for drinks.  Given the fact they were literally giving it away, that bar should have been a lot more crowded than it was.

Who’s the Boss?:  It’s not so strange to me that a man was hired as a housekeeper.  Not only can I get on board with that, I like it.  What’s a hard hard sell here is that he was a good housekeeper.  Vacuuming the curtains with the actual vacuum and not an attachment?  Really Tony?  I can only imagine how he “cleaned” the bathroom.

Doogie Howser, M.D.:  Right.  Because I’m going to let a guy who hasn’t yet grown pubic hair remove my spleen.  My standard rule of thumb is if your voice sounds like a chipmunk and you still believe in Santa Claus, you’re not getting into my organs.

Diff’rent Strokes:  A show about two boys from Harlem who go live with their dead mom’s millionaire boss?  Is that how it goes in real life?  When you die your estate goes to your boss?  If that’s the case, my boss is going to be pumped when he gets  my collection of VHS tapes.  (And as a sidenote, why is there an apostrophe in the title?  Is it to show us the dad is pretentious?  His never-ending barrage of three-piece suits told us that.)

Even though I realize that most of these shows have ludicrous plots, I also know that I still love them and will watch them whenever they’re available.

After all, one thing’s for certain:  “I want Charles in Charge of Me.”

Week 2 of Tinder TuesdaysIt’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for another edition of Tinder Tuesdays.  This is only my second edition but you guys loved the first edition so hopefully this won’t disappoint either.

This week isn’t someone nearly as patriotic, but last week’s guy set the patriotic bar quite high.  What could be more patriotic than a hairy naked man in the woods holding his package while drenched in the American flag?

No one.  That’s who.

This week’s available bachelor didn’t venture out for a photo shoot on location.  Instead, he took his photo from the comfort of his own bedroom…which is undoubtedly in his mom’s basement.

Since I don’t want to be sued for copyright infringement, I can’t post the actual photo.  However, I can post my artistic rendition of the photo, which is pretty much the same thing.  Here it is.

Hairy chest

Nice, huh?  Let’s break this down one train wreck at a time.

First, let’s start with the giant turkey leg hanging out of his mouth.  I’m not sure why he thought it necessary to take a selfie of him eating a pound of meat, but alas, he did.  Perhaps it’s to show his oral skills, as he’s felating that turkey leg like a boss.

He likes this poultry and the poultry like him back, if you know what I mean.

I can only imagine his thought process when he pondered what photo would best represent him for prospective ladies.  Beef?  Tuna?  Chicken?  For whatever reason, he must have discarded those options in favor of a turkey leg.  Perhaps what’s most disturbing about all of this is that he made the conscious decision to take a photo of him massacring meat.

This makes me wonder what kind of growth or jacked up grill he must have underneath that turkey leg.  My money’s on a raging case of mouth herpes.

Moving down what is most certainly a “fluffy” body, we see that he didn’t deem it appropriate to don a shirt for this photo session.  Either he’s a Magnum P.I. fan and wants to show off his hairy chest circa 1982 or he’s a messy eater who doesn’t want to stain his best Co-ed Naked t-shirt.

Honestly, I can respect that since it’s the baseball one that says “If you’re in scoring position, we’ll drive you home.”  Classic.

I bet he drives ladies home in his tricked out Chevy Aveo with stained cloth seats and a cassette player.

Moving left we see several large glass jars with pieces of fabric covering them and an elastic band keeping the fabric in place.  One thing’s for sure; that guy is resourceful when it comes to storage.

I can’t help but wonder what’s in those glass jars. It appears to be a dark liquid which may be moonshine.  It could also be his bodily waste because his mom doesn’t have a bathroom in the basement and he’s too lazy to put on pants and walk upstairs.

Yeah, I’m assuming he isn’t wearing pants.  This suspicion is supported by the fact his left hand is nowhere to be seen.  I can only assume he’s following in the footsteps of our patriotic friend and is taking his selfies in the nude.

Moving up next to the black and white photographs taped to the wall I have only one thought.  WHAT.  THE.  HELL?

I can’t tell what’s in the photographs but this montage looks like something that would be on the wall of an FBI investigation room, or in the lair of a serial killer.  I’m picturing pieces of red yarn creating a web that doesn’t makes sense to anyone but this turkey-lover. Maybe he has a beautiful mind, but the way he’s downing that meat, he probably doesn’t have a beautiful body.

There’s also what appears to be a red stool nearby.  It’s the kind that’s typically used for playing the drums…or applying makeup in front of a vanity.

We next move on to his closet, where his door is left open.  Hanging there are varying colors of t-shirts.  Yes, t-shirts.  Not polos or collared shirts, but t-shirts.  I suspect in addition to his Co-Ed naked collection there are Big Johnson shirts, Mossimo shirts, BUM Equipment and several Technicolor t-shirts as well.  The Technicolor ones are for when he feels fancy and heads to the comic book store for the newest anime video.

What’s particularly disturbing about his closet isn’t the fact that his shirts are evenly spaced on the rack; it’s the stack of items on the shelf.  It looks like a series of photo albums, which I suspect are filled with naked pictures of himself doing various ninja moves with a plastic sword he got from Dollar General.

This brings us down to the rolling cart that houses his board games.  I don’t see a ouija board but I suspect it’s in there and just out of view.  The board games give me hope he has some interaction with the human race, or maybe he just thinks he does.

That about wraps it up for this week’s Tinder Tuesdays.  Stay tuned for next week’s edition.  I’m not sure what lovely guy will be featured next week but I know he will be awesome because next Tuesday is my birthday and I like to celebrate.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the store and buy a few turkey legs.

Tinder TuesdaysI’ve decided to start a new segment on my blog.  Tinder Tuesdays will highlight a different photo on Tinder each week with an analysis of what’s really going on in the photo.

Trust me.  There are some doozies.

For those of you happily married (or not so happily) and those who don’t know what it is,  Tinder is a free app you can download on your phone.  It shows you profiles of possible people in your geographic area you could meet and date.

It touts itself as a dating app but it’s really just the electronic version of a booty call.

I’m glad they didn’t have this when I was single.

I didn’t know anything about Tinder and neither did my husband…or so he claims.  Fortunately, I have single friends to alert me to new technology like this; and like the Google Maps app that tells you directions out loud.  Who knew that existed?

My friend The Nudist (not her real name), told me about this app recently and I thought it was too good to be true.  Since seeing is believing, she showed me the app on her phone and let me scroll through and play a little.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysYou set up a profile with a photo of yourself and perhaps a few words about you, although most profiles I saw didn’t have anything other than a photo and their name.

You scroll through photos and with each one you decide if you want to keep them or if you want to dump them.  If you keep them and they keep you, then you can interact with each other through the app.

If you dump them then they will never show up in your feed again.  If only I could have been so lucky with people I dumped when I was single.

One night The Nudist and I were having one of our “patio chats,” which is really an excuse to sit on my patio at night and drink.  She brought up Tinder and asked if I wanted to check it out.

Um, yes please.

I began scrolling through photos of men and the power of knowing I could keep them or trash them was empowering.  Some of the men weren’t bad but some of them were positively horrible.

Because I’m always thinking of my readers, I decided to introduce you to a real person on Tinder each week so you can enjoy the fun of the most ridiculous and superficial app ever invented.

Since it’s July 4th weekend, I thought I’d start things off with a patriotic pic.  However, since I don’t want to get sued for copyright infringement, I can’t post the actual picture.  But don’t worry.  I did something just as good.  I drew an exact replica of it.  I’m a really good artist so you won’t even be able to tell the difference.

drawing of America Tinder guy

At first glance, I see what everyone else sees; a douchebag.  Oh, and the American flag.  He’s enveloped himself in it.  I’m not sure if he is doing this to show he’s enveloped in the freedom America brings, or if he’s doing it to keep his nipples from hardening from the cold temperatures.

Either way, this guy either (1) bought this flag specifically for this photo shoot, (2) borrowed it from a friend or (3) already owns this gigantic flag that is most likely wider than whatever shack he lives in.

If he borrowed it from a friend, I hope the friend knew what he was using it for.  Either way, I wouldn’t want that flag back.

Please also note he’s in some sort of wooded area, which I suspect is where he buries the bodies of his suitors once he’s done with them.  I’m also confident that posing naked in a park violates some sort of local ordinance.  Where’s a park ranger when you need one?

Nudity in a park will also make you a sex offender, but I suspect he’s not worried about that.  Once you’re on the list it stays with you no matter what you do.

As if you hadn’t noticed, he is naked but for his death grip on his manly parts.  He is expertly holding that area, which is probably because his hands spend a lot of time down there.  I’m not sure why he felt the need to be naked in this photo other than to show off his sweet pecs and tit tattoo.  I can’t see what the tattoo is but for some reason I think it’s a dragon eating a unicorn JUST. TO. WATCH. IT. DIE.

Prying my eyes away from his banging body, looking up to his face, I see a mass of a beard.  I can’t tell if it’s well groomed but I’m certain it smells like B.O. and cheap whiskey.  Of course, not all men with bushy beards smell like sweat, but since he’s naked outside, I can only assume he perspires like a sonofabitch and may not make grooming a top priority.

Interestingly, he seems to take care of the bush downstairs, but not so much with the bush on his face.

Looking upward to his hat, I’m completely confused as to why he chose the hat he did.  Personally, there’s nothing more patriotic than a naked man in boots wrapped in a flag with a cowboy hat on.  I guess 3 out of 4 ain’t bad, but it still makes me question his fashion sense.

One of the things I find most enjoyable about this picture is his discarded clothes off to the side on the left.  He went to great pains to make this photo as perfect as possible, yet forgot to move his clothing out of the shot.

It also looks like there’s a black snake looming by his discarded boot.  I’m not sure if that’s a snake that’s out in the wild or if it’s his pet snake he brought from home.  It’s 50/50.

But, there’s one overriding concern about this photo that makes the whole thing terribly creepy.  Someone took that photo.  Someone voluntarily agreed to go into the woods with this man, watch him remove his clothing and envelope himself in the flag.

Since this is such a great photo I can only imagine the photographer also helped him position the flag and made sure his hands fully covered his junk.

I love my friends but naked photos in the woods is where I draw the line.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Do you have experience with crazy Tinder photos?  A crazy person you met on Tinder.  Tell me!  I will do this segment every week….hopefully my artistic abilities improve.

 

 

jumping off diving board**This post is syndicated with The Levison Group and originally appeared in various publications across the U.S.**

It’s summertime and the living’s easy. Well, maybe the living isn’t easy but it’s definitely summertime.

Summer is my favorite time of year and lounging at the pool is one of my favorite pastimes, and not just because there’s a great concession stand. However, I can never escape my legal tendencies, even at the pool, and every year when I go I think about the legalities behind it.

People undoubtedly injure themselves every year at their local swimming hole. From belly flops to slip and falls, the pool most certainly has its fair share of lawsuits.

So why is it that none of us sign a waiver when we’re admitted? Obviously the pool hasn’t hired me as their lawyer because if it did it would require everyone to sign a waiver before accessing the pool.

I’ve thought about what it should include, and here is my proposed waiver.

  • I agree not to run at the pool. I’m not sure why I would run around the pool as it’s all the same body of water and one part isn’t any more exciting than the other.
  • I will throw away my trash from the snack bar so ant farms don’t set up camp around the only available table. I will also agree to give the rest of my pretzel with cheese to the woman who has been eying it since I sat down.
  • I will not stand on the diving board while yelling to my friends about what kind of jump to do. I will collaborate with my friends and come to a decision about the jump before approaching the board.
  • I will not bring water guns to the pool and shoot them at unsuspecting people who didn’t want to get blasted in the face with chlorine water. I’m not sure why I would bring a gun that shoots water to be used while simultaneously standing in water.

kids at pool

  • I will not shove my body into a suit from last season and parade around the pool. I will accept that I have gained a few pounds and buy the next size up.
  • I will not spray sunscreen. I will use the stuff from the bottle because the spray sunscreen is ridiculous. I’m not that lazy.
  • I will not yell at my friends across the pool about stupid stuff.
  • I will read up-to-date magazines so I can share them with other pool goers when I’m done. Everyone deserves to be caught up on the latest celebrity gossip.
  • I will not throw a tantrum like it’s the end of the world when my parents make me leave the pool. I will come back the next day. And the next.
  • I will wear shoes in the restroom, because it’s gross not to
  •  I will ignore the fact that the lifeguards are all 16 years old and weigh 100 pounds and couldn’t even save my left foot if I was drowning.

small__418273862

  • If I fall asleep at the pool I won’t snore. If I do, I understand if other pool goers move my chair away from them.
  • I will not block the exit ladder in the deep end of the pool. If I’m under 10 years old I shouldn’t be in the deep end anyway.
  • I will not talk loudly on my cell phone while laying out. I realize, however, it’s acceptable to do so only if I discuss juicy gossip on the phone and then let other pool goers in on the details.
  • I will not ask my friends whether that was a good cannon ball. It’s a cannon ball. There’s no skill.

small__14079385883

Maybe this waiver wouldn’t deter these behaviors from happening at the pool, but it would at least give a basis to kick people out for their idiotic behavior. Then again, if people were kicked out for violating these rules, there would be no one but me left at the pool. Come to think of it, that wouldn’t be so bad.

Hey local pool, call me.

The real pool rules

Matt in ER

In the hospital one of the times I was there for shingles. He’s probably calculating how much this will cost us.

It’s time for everyone’s favorite segment:  Funny Crap My Husband Says.

No matter what clever posts I come up with, you guys love these posts the best.  Please don’t tell my husband that.  I don’t want him to think he’s actually funny.

Sixth Sense

Your breath smells bad. It’s like you ate Shitflakes by Smellogg’s.”

Advertising Genius

You know that law firm that advertises it represents only men in divorces?  They’re one step away from just saying ‘bitches be crazy.'”

Alcohol Connosseur 

Lisa: “You’re a pussy when it comes to drinks.”
Matt: “Yeah. I’ve never claimed otherwise.”

Thjs puzzle was kicking his ass.

Thjs puzzle was kicking his ass.

Fashionista

That vest looks like it’s denim and leather combined. Like a cow f*cked a pair of jeans.”

Food Critic

Matt: “This makes every other bruschetta before this taste like dog shit.
Lisa: “I’m concerned you know what dog shit tastes like.”
Matt: “I had a life before you.”

Dr. Diagnosis

If your immune system was something we bought, I would return it even without the receipt. It’s a lemon.”

Wino

I drank an entire bottle of wine last night and was at the gym at 7am this morning. Hashtag beast.”

Just want to be alone 3dAs many of you know, my husband is hilarious, even though most of the time it isn’t intentional.  Aside from making us all laugh with his insightful comments, he’s helped me become published in another book!

Believe it or not, I was selected by the amazingly wonderful Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat to be part of her newest book, “I Just Want to Be Alone,” which is a follow up to her successful “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

I know.  I can’t believe it either.

It’s a humor book about the men in our lives and the funnier parts of being in a relationship.

The good news is that although it comes out on March 22, 2014,  you can pre-order a copy now.

You can get the Kindle version or the paperback version, or both because you love me and want to have access to my musings wherever you go.

pay no attentionTo pre-order, go now and spend the best few bucks you’ll ever spend.  You’ll thank me for it.  I promise.

Kindle: click here

Paperback:  click here

*The links for Nook, iTunes, and Smashwords will be updated after the book is released on March 22nd.*

Who else is in the book?  Some awesomely funny ladies, many of whom I have blog crushes on.  Check them out!

And thank you to each of you.  I wouldn’t have the confidence to continue to write if you weren’t so supportive of me.

I love knowing I make you laugh and that means everything to me.

Here are the funny ladies!

People I Want To Punch In The Throat

Baby Sideburns

Moms Who Drink and Swear

AK Turner

Bad Parenting Moments

Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Diva

The Ugly Volvo

Let Me Start By Saying

Motherhood WTF?

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Frugalista Blog

Toulouse and Tonic

Nicole Leigh Shaw

Somewhat Sane Mom

My Life Suckers

The Mom of the Year

Hollow Tree Ventures

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

Funny is Family

Abby Has Issues

Kissing the Frog

Nurse Mommy Laughs

Our Small Moments

I’m Still Learning

The Fordeville Diaries

You’re My Favorite Today

Life on Peanut Layne

Loripalooza

I Love Them the Most When They Are Sleeping

Ironic Mom

From Meredith to Mommy

The Nomad Mom Diary

649.133: Girls, the care and maintenance of

Keeper of the Fruit Loops

Magnolia Ripkin

 

Matt and Lisa with Empire state building in backgroundIt’s that time again. Time for another edition of “Funny crap my husband says.”

Once again, I’m amazed at the ridiculous things my husband says, although I’m more amazed that he never realizes it’s ridiculous until after I point it out.

Here they are.  Enjoy.  And remember that I’m the lucky one who gets to be married to this guy.

You = jealous.

Altruism

Matt:  “Are you coming to the potluck?  I told them we’d bring a ham.”

Lisa:  “You volunteered me to make a ham?!  I don’t have time to do that.”

Matt:  “Oh, then you shouldn’t come.  People are going to be pissed when they realize you didn’t make a ham.”

001 - CopyFoodie

Matt:  “Do you know what’s in falafel?”

Lisa:  “Yes.  They’re delicious.”

Matt:  “I had no idea they were fried chick peas.”

Lisa:  “What did you think falafel was?”

Matt:  “I thought it was a waffely sandwich.  Come to think of it, that also sounds delicious.”

Medical mystery

Matt:  “I have a weird thing on the top of my mouth.”

Lisa:  “What is it?”

Matt:  “I don’t know.  That’s why I called it a ‘weird thing’ and not a ‘such and such.'”

086Patriot

Flight attendant:  “Let’s give our military on the plane a round of applause for all they do.”

<applause>

Matt:  “I clapped longer than anyone else.  That means I care more about the troops than everyone else.  Obvy.”

Romantic

Lisa:  “Didn’t we say ‘with this ring I thee wed?'”

Matt:  “I don’t know.” <whispers> “I was lost in your eyes.”

Copyright Maggie Stolzberg 2010.  Used with permission. www.maggiestolzberg.com

Copyright Maggie Stolzberg 2010. Used with permission.
www.maggiestolzberg.com

One of the dogs I saved...just kidding!  This is my favorite dog at the rescue shelter where I volunteer.  Isn't he perfection? http://strayrescue.org/adopt/heisenberg

One of the dogs I saved…just kidding! This is my favorite dog at the rescue shelter where I volunteer. Isn’t he perfection? http://strayrescue.org/adopt/heisenberg

Sorry I’ve been so MIA lately.  I’ve been busy saving orphans from burning buildings and pushing kittens out of the way of oncoming traffic.

No I haven’t.  I’m allergic to kittens.

Regardless of all the charitable and selfless things I’ve been doing, I’ve been splattered over the internet in other places, even if it’s not this fantastic blog you so adore and check only when you’re on the toilet or in a boring meeting.

I’ll take what I can get.

Nickmom.com still hasn’t fired me for some strange reason and continues to publish me.  Much like your proclivity to read my posts from the $h*tter, let’s not judge and just accept it for what it is.

Here’s my latest post about the similarities between juice boxes and wine.  Read it and enjoy.  NOTE:  This post is best read while enjoying wine.  Wait, all my posts are best enjoyed that way.

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http://www.nickmom.com/more-lols/similarities-between-wine-and-juice-boxes/xid=lisanewlin

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You should read her site just because she's adorable. http://www.menopausalmom.com/p/about-me.html

Isn’t she adorable?http://www.menopa
usalmom.
com/p/about-
me.html 

Here’s the other piece that has me splattered all over the internet. It’s the things I’ve learned from Sandra Bullock’s movies…and ironically, one of them is not that they’re also best served with wine.

This is posted at my friend Marcia Doyle’s hilarious page.  I aspire to her awesomeness and her waistline.

Show her some love because she also saves orphans from burning buildings.  She also likes wine.  Isn’t that enough to love her?

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http://www.menopausalmom.com/2013/12/wacky-wednesday-writers-guest-post-by.html?

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There you have it!  Places you can find me last week on the web.  You can also find me in some unfortunate videos on line as well, but I’ve done my best to bury those.  Don’t judge.  I had to pay for law school somehow…

matt on sailboat

That’s a girl’s hat he had to borrow because he forgot his hat at home.

It’s that time again.  It’s the time when I give my readers a peak into the infinite wisdom that spews from my husband’s mouth on a daily basis.

Actually, it’s crap.  It’s all crap, but it’s funny crap, so it works.  It keeps me laughing, which is all that matters.

Based upon the demands of you guys, he keeps you laughing too.

Don’t tell him that.

Without any further hesitation, let’s get to the mockery, shall we?

A memory like a steel trap

Matt:  “I totally told you about this.”

Lisa:  “I don’t remember it.”

Matt:  “Okay, maybe I didn’t tell you, but whatever.”

You can actually see him saying "Stop it."

You can actually see him saying “Stop it.”

Master of multi-tasking

I just peed and took my contacts out at the same time.  Hashtag allstar.”

A happy guy

Matt:  “Ew.  Shady Jack’s lipstick is out again. It’s so gross.”

Lisa: “Just don’t look at it.  It’s because he’s a happy dog.”

Matt:  “I’m a happy guy, but I don’t walk around with a boner.*”

*THIS IS DEBATABLE.*

A big dreamer

Matt:  “I had a dream that we got some really bad ass concert tickets from  Steve Wozniak (co-founder of Apple).”

Lisa:  “That’s weird.”

Matt:  “Then he got me a really good deal on underwear.  They were tighty whities, but still.”

Matt passed outA chick magnet

Matt: “I have a lot of scars from karate.*** It’s okay though.  Chicks dig scars.”

Lisa:  “How did you get scars from karate?”

Matt: “I got them from trying to break boards with my hands in karate.  

<looks down and says under his breath> 

“I was not successful.”

***In this conversation, he pronounced it as kah-rah-tay. Seriously.***

A needy guy

Matt:  “I need a new one of those air fresheners for my car.”

Lisa:  “Yeah, because you threw your last one away.”

Matt:  “That’s not relevant to this conversation.  I need a new one.”

A conversationalist

Lisa:  “What were we just talking about?”

Matt:  “The thing.”

Lisa:  “What thing?”

Matt:  “I don’t know, but it was definitely important.”

matt and lisa on the boat