Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com - (1)Hello my friends!  I am back from a long hiatus from blogging. I’m sure you missed me, but I’m sure you missed my husband more. It’s okay.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that my readers love my hubby more than they love me.  Then again, what’s not to love, especially when he says some of the things he says.

So let’s get to it.  I have a long list because it’s been a while since I’ve done this so settle in for some good laughs. And I’ll say it again….he’s all mine….be jealous.

Parking Expert

Matt: “People who back into parking spaces should be sterilized.”

Receptionist

Matt:  “You need to pick up your prescription from Walgreens. They keep calling me and leaving me angry messages.”
Lisa: “It’s a recording.”
Matt:  “She has a tone.”

photo 2 (14)Humble Husband

Lisa:  “You’re such a martyr.
Matt:  “No I’m not.” <whispers while looking down> “I’m just a really good guy.

Accepting of Others

Matt: <while watching some woman do something strange> “What’s this bitch doing? Aside from being a bitch?

Equine Expert

Lisa:  “Why do they say ‘I have to pee like a race horse?‘”
Matt:  “Because they have to pee a lot.”
Lisa: “But then why don’t they just go pee if they have to pee? Why wait?
Matt: “This conversation is boring.

photo 1 (13)Animal Lover

Lisa: <Observing Matt pushing around the outside plants with a broom> “What are you doing? Looking for critters like chipmunks?”
Matt:  “I don’t care about chipmunks. They’re awesome and fight danger in their spare time. I’m looking for snakes. Snakes serve no purpose.” <begins singing “Chip and Dale’s” theme song>

Partier

Matt:  “What do you want to do tonight? Well, not so much do as watch.

Compassionate Man

photo 3 (10)Matt:  “My eye is starting to droop. Oh no!
Lisa:Don’t talk to me about droopy eyes. I’ve had a droopy eye for a year.
Matt:  “It’s not a competition. Let me have this.”

Insightful

Matt:  “Remember that movie ‘The Land Before Time?’ When Little Leaf’s mom died and he saw his shadow and thought it was her so he started running to it and it kept getting smaller?
Lisa:Yes.
Matt:  “Who the hell wrote that? It’s some f*cked up sh*t.
Lisa:  “This is super random.”
Matt:  “What? I was just trying to make conversation.”

photo 2 (16)Non Judgmental

Matt:  “I’m telling you. That woman is awful. Exhibit B…For bitch.

Motivated Guy

Matt:  “I’m sleepy.
Lisa:  “You were in bed 3 hours ago.”
Matt:  “I know. I miss it.

Easily Impressed

Lisa:  “I just typed all of that on my phone without looking and there was no errors.
Matt:  “Yeah. You do that when you’re typing on the computer too. I think you think it impresses me.

photo (14)World History Expert

Matt:  “When The Italians invented pizza it was pepperoni.”
Lisa:  “You don’t know if that’s true.
Matt:  “You don’t know it’s not true.

Delightful Company

Lisa:  “You know, you’re no picnic yourself.”
Matt:  “I’m a picnic. I’m a picnic in goddamned Central Park.

Fashion Expert

Matt:  “Look at that guy’s hair. He looks like he stepped out of the 80sDo people even do their hair like that? Do hair stylists even do that to people?

photo 4 (1)Wordsmith

Matt:Where’s all this sass coming from? I didn’t know it was Sass-ur-day.

Patriotic

Matt:  “…Because we live in STL. Americas asshole.

Humble Man

Matt:  <cleaning glasses>
Lisa:  “Are those your regular glasses or your Warby Parker’s?”
Matt:  “Warby Parkers. ………I know.
Lisa:  “You know what?
Matt:  “I just thought you were going to say I looked good in them.

Christmas EveLightly Scented

Lisa:  “Wow. That’s a lot of cologne you just sprayed. Trying to impress someone?
Matt:  “No. I’m just not sure how dirty this shirt is.”

Sympathetic Citizen

Lisa:  “They still haven’t found those two guys who escaped from prison.”
Matt:  “I still haven’t found my glasses…I get it.

Fixer Of Things

Matt:  “The hose is flowing fine now….like my rhymes!”

Did you like this edition? Did it give you your Matt Newlin fix?  Which one was your favorite?

Funny crap my husband says, March 2014 edition - lisanewlin.com -I’ve been gone for a while and some of you have actually noticed, which totally makes my day!  Granted, some of you may have inquired as to my absence if for no other reason than to wonder when more of my antics will appear so you can mock me.  I’m fine with it.

So what better way to celebrate my not-so-noticeable absence than with an installment of your favorite monthly column?  I must say that although I enjoy every month’s collections, this month is especially hilarious.

For those of you new to this column, every month I write down random funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.  Sadly, I don’t have access to writing utensils many of the times he says something extra hilarious, so many of them go forgotten.  But these are the ones I was able to save and happily share with you.  Enjoy.

The Saint

Matt:  “I have a headache.”
Lisa:  “Take some Tylenol.”
Matt:  “Nah.  It’s easier to sit here and complain about it.”

Completely Logical

Lisa:  “You always turn that lamp off whenever I turn it on.  Why?”
Matt:  “I have my reasons.”
Lisa:  “What are they?”
Matt:  “I’m not sure.”

Matt and Lisa at dinner at Scottish ArmsGood Samaritan

Matt:  “It’s a little slippery on the front step.  Be careful not to fall.”
Lisa:  “You be careful too.”
Matt:  “Oh, it’s not slippery for a normal person.  Just you.”

Purveyor of Fine Smells

Matt:  “It stinks.  Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt:  “Wait.  Did I fart?  Yep.  That’s me.”

Food Critic

Lisa:  “Sorry you hated the new recipe I tried tonight.”
Matt:  “I didn’t hate it.  It just…wasn’t good.”

Dance Expert

Lisa:  “My jaw keeps popping.”
Matt:  “Does it also keep locking?”

Activist

Matt:  “What kind of sandwich do you want me to order for you?
Lisa:  “The traditional.”
Matt:  “Is that a sandwich only to be shared between a man and a woman?”

VIP

Matt:  “I have to go to sleep now.  I have a big day tomorrow.  <pause> No I don’t.”

Matt and Lisa close up in NOLaid Back

Matt:  “I’m easy.  Like Sunday morning.  Do you know what my nickname was in high school?  Pie. Because I was that easy.  I should be a Cover Girl because I’m so easy and breezy.”

Criminal Outlaw

Lisa:  “If you go to trial on a speeding ticket, they would pull your driving record.”
Matt:  “Would they also pull my awesome record?  Because I think that’s relevant.  Do you know what that record would consist of?  My Facebook page.”

Topical Conversationalist

Matt:  “No one talks about El Nino anymore.  Let’s talk about that sh*t.

Grateful Husband

Matt:  “Can you get me a glass of water?
Lisa:  “Yes.”
Matt:  “Thanks.  I could make a sweater out of you because you’re a lamb.”

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Other places I’m on the Internet this week

10 “Weird” Things Couples Do That Are Totally Normal (with funny Gifs!)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends, But Not Her Husband (with funny Gifs!)

 

funny crap my husband says, October 2014 (2)Another month has passed and we find ourselves in February; the armpit of the calendar year.  No one likes February because it’s cold and dreary and we’re required to have a day of love and being mushy, and I can’t stand that.

Fortunately, I’ve got some real gems for you this month of funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t at all trying to be funny.

Fiscally Conservative

Lisa:  “We need to make a house for that stray cat to keep him warm in these cold temperatures.”
Matt:  “We can’t do that.  There’s no way we can afford a second mortgage.”

Know-It-All

Matt:  “I knew it! Hashtag knowledge bomb.  Hashtag watch the sky.”

DSC00347Medical Expert

Lisa:  “I have a horrible headache.”
Matt:  “It’s probably because it’s cold outside and the cold is causing pressure on your brain since it’s shrinking.”
Lisa:  “But if it’s shrinking, wouldn’t it be causing less pressure?”
Matt:  “I don’t know.  I just know that the cold sucks.”

Art Enthusiast

Matt:  “That shirt is really booby.  Can you put those away?  Unless…that art exhibit is going to become interactive…

DSC00428Government Operative

Lisa:  “Do you know what the Office of the Inspector General does?
Matt:  “Yes.”
Lisa:  “What does it do?”
Matt:  “Why don’t you look it up and then I’ll tell you if you’re right?”
Lisa:  “You don’t know, do you?”
Matt:  “Of course I do.  They inspect things….generally.”

Hipster Extraordinaire

Matt:  “Really?  Did you read about that in Hipster Weekly?  Or rather, it would be Hipster Every 27 Days.”

DSC01063Doctor Love

Lisa:  “I want to get lipo suction.”
Matt:  “No.  Do you know how many people die from lipo?”
Lisa:  “No.  How many?”
Matt:  “I don’t know, but it’s not zero.”

Rand McNally

Lisa:  “Do you know where Papua New Guinea is?”
Matt:  “It’s right next to Mama New Guinea.”

Enjoy those?  Which was your favorite?

—————————————————————————————————————————————-

Check out where else I am on the web!

YIKES! 12 Signs You’re With A Man And Not A Man-Child

10 Reasons Extroverts Make The Best Wives

butterbur-51919I’ve always been a fan of Kermit The Frog.  He’s the first thing that comes to mind when I think of green.  After all, it isn’t easy.

Kermit is definitely a sexy beast who looks good with or without clothing, yet Kermit is the epitome of nudity.  When you think about it, he’s the only Muppet who can pull off the totally nude look.

Okay, so maybe Rowlf The Dog is naked, but he always has that piano at waist level, which tells me he’s insecure about something.  I suspect I know what it is…

He’s not neutered, of course.  Geez.  You guys are such pervs.

<insert public service message about spaying/neutering your animals or I will cut your balls off.>

Where is this post going?  Good question.

If you’re still reading and haven’t gone to PBS to watch Sesame Street, then I will tell you where this post is headed.

To the gutter.  Or actually, to the streets.  Follow my logic.

For some reason, in thinking about Kermit, I began to wonder if Kermit was a lover or a fighter.  He always pushes away Miss Piggy’s advances, which suggests he may be a fighter. But who would he fight with? That annoying Elmo? Hopefully.

Which begs the question: Who would win if Kermit got into a fight with Elmo?

kermit-64718

I’m not talking about one of those “You took the last fruit roll-up so I’m going to kick you in the shins and run away” fights.  I’m talking about a true fight.  With biting and crap.  Who would win?

That frisky frog is one good looking dude, but is he scrappy?  He seems like such a nice guy, and he does let Miss Piggy walk all over him.

Okay, she doesn’t literally walk all over him, as that would most certainly crush his rib cage…unless he’s into that sort of thing.

Wait, a frog doesn’t have ribs.  Plus for Kermie!

SMACKDOWNBut what about his physical prowess?  He has scrawny arms, but is he strong?  Does he work his core, or only his glamour muscles?

He might be an underrated opponent just because of his size, yet he might be able to bench press like a sonofabitch.

I’ve seen it done.  Not by an amphibian, but by scrawny guys at the gym whose moms drop them off after swim practice.

But then there’s Elmo.  I don’t know what species he is, other than a creeper who talks like a child despite the fact he frequently wears business suits.

I think he’s supposed to be a monster of some sort, but I don’t know any monsters who giggle like school girls.

Come to think of it, maybe he’s neutered, and that’s why he has such a high-pitched voice.

That could be a point in his corner for overpowering Kermit, as he wouldn’t have his manly monster parts to get in the way of a smackdown.

Instead of making you read my word vomit, which is clearly what this post is, I’ve decided to make a tally of things each opponent has going for and against him.

You’re welcome.

Elmo Pros

 

Elmo Con (1)

So there you have it:  my thoughts on who would win in a fight on Sesame Street.  The outcome is unclear, and I suppose I will leave it up to you to decide who would prevail in this matchup of Muppets.

Let me know your thoughts, and if I can figure out how to do a little chart of everyone’s answers, I will.  And by “I” I mean if someone else can figure that out. We all know I can’t figure that out.  If I could, I would have done it already.

So let me know who you think would win, and your thoughts on why. This is a very important topic.  It’s really for the kids.

funny crap my husband says, October 2014Oh friends.  You’ve been waiting for this month’s installment of more of the random stuff my husband says when he’s not trying to be funny.  Once again, he won’t disappoint.

Fashionista

That guy is wearing a f*cking bow tie. He’s just trying to piss me off.

Yoga Enthusiast

Matt:  “I think I want to take time off work to focus on my yoga.”
Lisa:  “You don’t do yoga.”
Matt:  “I know. That’s why I need to take time off to focus on it.”

Editorial Genius

Editing is easy. I mean, I’ve never done it. But it’s totally easy.”

Confident In His Own Skin

Matt:  “I texted him from your phone. He hasn’t answered. He probably knew it was me.”
Lisa:  “It says he hasn’t even read the text yet.”
Matt:  “What does that have to do with anything?

Generous bed mate

<laying in bed with his head on his pillow>
Hey. Can I use your pillow?”

Neighborhood Entertainer

Lisa:  “Don’t you hate having the windows open at night when people can see inside?”
Matt:  “Yes.
Lisa:  “Then why don’t you close the curtains?”
Matt:  “I don’t know. Apathy?

DSC01074From Rags to Riches

Lisa:  “This wine is amazing. It’s definitely not the kind of thing you would have ever bought before we met.  You though wine came in a box.”
Matt:  “Yes, you saved me from a horrible single life. Before you I was eating diaper shit out of trash cans.

In-home Nurse

Lisa:  “I can’t fall asleep because I’m hungry.”
Matt:  “Slam some water.”
Lisa:  “I can’t because then I’ll have to wake up all night to pee.”
Matt:  “You need a catheter. We need to cath that shit.”

On The Cutting Edge

Lisa:  “Why don’t you get this new razor (points to razor at the store)?”
Matt:  “I didn’t feel comfortable doing the Pro Glide. I don’t trust it and I don’t feel good about it. I’ve seen a lot of commercials about it and there’s been some buzz but I’m not ready. It’s on a ball. A pivot. I just don’t know...”

Entrepreneur

(While at a fancy neighborhood Walgreens)
Be careful. The floor is wet. Don’t fall. Or, do fall and then we can live in one of these fancy houses.”

DSC01082Health Nut

Lisa:  “We could just have some pasta and vegetables for dinner.”
Matt:  “Vegetables? I don’t want to ruin my dinner with vegetables.”

Medical Guru

Matt:  “A stroke presents itself in a lot of ways.”
Lisa:  “Really? Like what ways?”
Matt:  “I’m not going to list them all now. It’s just a lot.”

Clean Freak

Matt:  “I need Comet. Nothing else cleans the sink as well.”
Lisa:  “There’s this Soft Scrub you could use.”
Matt: “I tried it. It doesn’t work. Actually it might have worked. I don’t remember.”

Why Kelly KapowskiAnyone who was a child of the 80s (or 90s) will remember the super-cheesy  Saturday morning show, Saved by the Bell.  Anyone who has a child of the 80s (or 90s) will remember it too, as it was most likely a guilty pleasure.

Don’t fight it.  Embrace it.

One of the main characters was Kelly Kapowski, a high school “it” girl with mall bangs and a cheery disposition.  Although the mall bangs were sweet, her chipper personality could have been the result of daily inadvertent inhalation of Aqua Net.

Recently, I got to thinking about this show, probably because I enjoy  late-night eating and WGN reruns.  No matter the cause, I realized that despite Kelly’s popular status, I never would have been friends with her in high school because she would have been the worst friend ever.

I know, it’s devastating to me too.  But the logic doesn’t lie (and according to Shakira, neither do the hips).

1.  She wore sweatshirts with the neck cut out. 

kelly kapowski cut offAnyone who knows me (or has sat next to me while I curse the Patriots football team when that jackass coach wears his cut-up sweatshirts), knows I find cut-up sweatshirts intolerable.

Do you know what you could wear that you wouldn’t have to cut up?  A t-shirt.  Yeah, you can buy them pre-cut, and they’re cheaper too.

Such.  A.  Douche.

2.  She was a cheerleader 

I'm sure they're sad because this is when they realized they aren't as good as pommers.

I’m sure they’re sad because this is when they realized they aren’t as good as pommers.

There’s nothing wrong with cheerleaders, but I was a pommer so we couldn’t have been friends.  It just wasn’t in the cards.

Cheerleader versus pommer is the classic battle of good versus evil.It’s the high school equivalent of the Montagues versus the Capulets, only without all the killing and suicide.

No doubt about it, the pommers were far superior, just based upon uniforms alone. Throw in literary knowledge and the ability to dance themselves out of a knife fight, and it’s a no-brainer.

The pommers win everytime. (Yeah, like the cheerleaders would be able to dance their way out of a street brawl in West Side Story.  I don’t think so.)

Pommers were the respected girls, and although we knew how to shake it, we did it in a classy way;  we wore tights.

We weren’t like those heathen cheerleaders who throw each other up in the air with nothing but a small piece of cotton separating their lady parts from the fans in the stand.  No.

Pommers kept our business locked up (at least until after the game).

3.  She wore mom jeans.

kelly kapowski mom jeansDon’t get me wrong, my mom rocks, and looks better in jeans than I do.

But when in high school, a girl shouldn’t wear her jeans so high that sitting down quickly might actually take her virginity.

I’m sure that’s what Kelly told her guidance counselor was the cause, but we all know the dirty deed went down in the bathroom of a Wendy’s.

She celebrated with a Frosty. Who wouldn’t?

My friends were far more stylish than mom jeans, and so was I.  Being seen with someone in mom jeans and a cut off sweatshirt would be social suicide.

For further confirmation of my high school awesomeness, please see #2  and the photo above.

4.  She thought The Max was cool. 

kelly kapowski waitressKelly worked there as a waitress, or at least she did when the “plot” needed her to.  I use the term “plot” quite loosely here.

There are many reasons I wouldn’t go to The Max, the least of which is because it looks like the set of Double Dare and although I loved that show, somehow I can’t separate the image of that giant nose away from the Max’s burger menu.

Plus, the owner, “Max” (if that’s his real name), was super creepy with his magic tricks and Lyle Lovett hairstyle.

For this reason, I wouldn’t go visit her at work, which would certainly be a sticking point for our friendship.

5.  It would be hard to support her volleyball habit. 

Kelly Kapowski volleyball

Even her volleyball shorts are mom-shorts.

In keeping with the theme of being an unsupportive friend, I wouldn’t support her volleyball habit either, and I doubt anyone else would.

Kelly played on the school volleyball team, although I’m not sure when she had the time between cheerleading, waitressing, being an older sister to 18 kids, and spending time doing her bangs.

Seriously, that hairdo must take at least an hour and a full can of hairspray to accomplish.

It’s not that I don’t like volleyball.  Quite the contrary.

Men’s sand volleyball is one of my favorite Olympic sports, next to pole vaulting and mocking the parents of gymnasts.  I just don’t know what to do at a volleyball game to support the players.  I’m not sure if I should yell “Yeah, you spike that ball!” or “Bump it!  BUMP IT!”  Actually, I just answered my own question.

I would totally yell “bump it.”

6.  She wasn’t good enough to be Zach’s girlfriend.

I look way cuter with him than she ever did, and I know the importance of safe teenage behavior—I wear a helmet.  As is evidenced below, you pervs.

 

funny crap my husband says, August 2014I’m not even going to pretend this time that you guys are here to read my writing.  I’ve finally accepted that the real reason my blog stays in business (albiet making no money) is because of the funny crap my husband says.  I really need to trademark this $hit.

This month I have so many that I’ve actually had to hold some back for next month, which is just downright ridiculous.  It’s also a teaser for next month.

Let’s just get this party started.

Television Producer

Matt:  “That relationship is destined to end in a murder-suicide.  When it’s on Dateline it can be called “Murder-suey in St. Louie.”

Humble Servant

Lisa:  “You were right about this ONE thing.  Big deal.  A broken clock is right twice a day.”

Matt:  “Yeah.  And this broken clock was right today.”

This was the item he was right about.  Look at him.  Pure.  Joy.

This was the item he was right about. Look at him. Pure. Joy.

Butter Fingers

<sound of microwave turntable moving in the other room>

Matt:  “It’s ok.  I’m fine.  Don’t worry.”

Lisa:  “I knew what that sound was and I knew you were fine.”

Matt:  “Fortunately I was.  But I could have gotten a bruise that would have lasted for days.”

Employee of the Month

Matt:  “Isn’t that why we all have full time jobs?  So we can print stuff for free?”

Green Thumb

Matt:  “We should go sit outside for lunch and take Shady Jack.”

Lisa:  “That sounds good.  Where do you want to go?”

Matt:  “I don’t know.  I plant the seed of knowledge and you have to water it.”

Celebrating our birthdays that are three days apart.  We ate so much food.  So.  Much.  Food.

Celebrating our birthdays that are three days apart. We ate so much food. So. Much. Food.

Bladder of Steel

Matt:  “You go ahead and get in the pool.  I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lisa:  “Ok.”

Matt:  “Nah.  I’ll just pee in the pool.”

Reasonably Flexible

Lisa:  “Why don’t you just do it this way?  Your way doesn’t make any sense.”

Matt:  “This conversation doesn’t make any sense.”

Mechanical Engineer

Lisa:  “My seatbelt is stuck.  I can’t get it.”

Matt:  “Stop pulling on it and it will work.”

Lisa:  “Ok.  You do it.”

<Matt can’t get it unstuck>

Matt:  “I don’t know why you have to break things.”

Renaissance Man

<laying in bed and pointing to the window next to the bed>

Matt:  “Hey.  I opened up this window with my foot.  Are you impressed?”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my husband.  And yes, I married him because he could open a window with his foot.

<swoon>

Which one was your favorite?

Lisa and Matt at Hooers

ninja momChildrens’ books are often annoying and ridiculous; especially when read five times every night. Every.  Fricking.  Night.

So in order to help us to cope with these obnoxious tales, Nicole Leigh Shaw of Ninja Mom Blog has a Character Assassination Carousel over at http://www.ninjamomblog.com/ that makes it all better.  It’s a monthly murder of a children’s book by mockery.  Don’t worry, it’s a clean kill, so there’s no messy clean up.

Each month a new assassin takes his/her best shot at a ridiculous children’s book.  Last month Social Butterfly Mom mocked “Yankee Doodle” and did an excellent job.  You can find it here. http://www.chicagonow.com/social-butterfly-mom/2014/07/character-assassination-carousel-yankee-doodle/

This month, I’m mocking “Whats Up In The Attic?”

Yeah, I know.  There’s a lot of material so let’s get started

 

maybe we don't want to know...We all know Bert and Ernie from their rubber ducky antics in the bathtub. Unfortunately, that’s not the way anyone wants to become famous, but them’s the breaks.  When you’re so obsessed with a rubber toy that you make a song out of it, you’re bound to turn some heads.

Many of those heads simply turn away because they don’t like seeing a puppet in a bathtub.

Looking back through the other assassinated books from The Carousel, I noticed Bert and Ernie and their bathing fetish weren’t represented adequately.

I’ve decided to right that wrong by making this month’s assassinated characters the infamous Bert and Ernie themselves (sans bubbles).

I chose “What’s Up In The Attic?” as the book I’m going to brutally rip apart this week.  There are many reasons I chose this literary wonder, but mostly because it makes it so easy to make this next joke about Bert and Ernie:

Why are you guys looking at what’s in the attic? Shouldn’t you guys be looking in the closet?

BOOM!  Yes, I picked this book solely to make that joke, but it was worth it.  Totally.  Worth.  It.

This assassination is done by the mother reading the book to her kids, so it’s told from her point of view.  Fortunately for you, you can enjoy it without the smell of moth balls assaulting your nostrils.

Enjoy!

You guys need to find something to do today because it’s a rainy day and you’re driving me nuts.  Yes, the cable is out because of the storm (or because I forgot to pay the bill.  Both are equally logical explanations).

Regardless, you need to make your own adventure today, but not in a way that destroys my living room.

Because I need to get something from the attic, and because I want to wear you guys out, I’ll take you with me. I know reading this book to you isn’t going to tire you sufficiently, so let’s go up to our attic and see what we can find there.

We’ll read the book as we go.  Just don’t touch anything, and please, for the love of God, don’t put anything in your mouths.  Got it?

“What’s that in this box?” you ask.  It’s a box of mommy’s skimpy bar-hopping clothes from before she had kids…or inhibitions.  These short skirts helped mommy pay for college because she always drank for free at the clubs.

Oddly enough, these clothes directly contributed to your arrival on this earth.

Those?  Those are Daddy’s magazines that Mommy won’t let him look at.  He doesn’t want to part with them so Mommy pretends not to know he has them up here.  Let’s keep that a secret.

Yes, there’s an old crusty t-shirt in with those magazines. Don’t ask and DON’T touch it.

Be careful of what else is up here: Spiders. A shit ton of spiders. Don’t try to befriend them. Some of them are mean and none of them are as nice as Charlotte from “Charlotte’s Web.”

Wait. What are you—did I not just tell you to stay away from them? And those are spider webs not cotton candy. Get down from there. Jesus!

Oh that? That’s mommy’s stash of candy that she keeps away from everyone. Oh shit. Yes, that is cotton candy but it’s not yours.

That pink stuff on the ground?  That’s insulation, at least a little bit of it. Daddy needs to get on this project and add a lot more up here.  Mommy has been telling him to do it for a year.  This fluffy pink stuff that’s super thin is why mommy doesn’t let you open the door during when the air conditioning is on.

Are you—-are you seriously trying to eat the insulation? It’s not cotton candy! NOTHING UP HERE IS COTTON CANDY!

You know what?  Let’s look at the book.  It says Ernie found some of his marbles.  If you ask me, he lost those marbles years ago and finding them in a raccoon’s hat isn’t going to bring them back.  That guy had WAY too much fun with the rubber ducky, with or without his marbles.

photo credit: buckofive via photopin cc

photo credit: buckofive via photopin cc

Plus, I bet that crap is SUPER dusty.

Look.  We have marbles up here just like Ernie.  Are you?  Are you seriously putting those marbles in your mouth?

What are you laughing at?  Those are pictures of mommy when her boobs didn’t look like socks with tennis balls in them and she couldn’t carry a trapper keeper in the crease between her leg and butt.

Yes, her hair looks funny, mostly because she wasn’t trying to pull it out because of kids trying to eat…damnit!

STOP WITH THE COTTON CANDY.

Let’s look back to the book again.  Oh look! Bert found a pigeon feather.

I’m not even going to comment on the disease that probably accompanies that feather or the crazy reason he felt it necessary to save a pigeon feather for years.

Bert may be a little deranged so let’s not pay attention to anything he finds.  I’m afraid there are other dead animal parts.

Let’s look back at our attic.  What are those?  Those are boxes of mommy’s school stuff. Ignore the red writing and all the Cs that are written on the papers. When I was a kid a C was an A and I was an overachiever. Reach for the stars.

Okay, the book is over and Bert and Ernie are dragging all the crap they found down to their house and using it to decorate.  You, however, are not allowed to bring anything downstairs.

Me?  Oh, don’t mind me.  I’m just grabbing one of these old miniskirts.  It’s for Daddy.

Can you believe it’s already Tuesday?  It snuck up quickly on me, which is funny, because this week’s Tinder Tuesday candidate looks like that’s exactly what she would do…or rather, what someone did to her.

Yes, this week’s Tinder Tuesday candidate is a her.  Fortunately I have some awesome readers who are willing to send in candidates for my <ahem> analysis.  This week’s inaugural female Tinder candidate will not disappoint.  In fact, she’s got a little something more than most other candidates….

Pregnant Tinder

What’s that something more that she has?  A baby.  It’s a fricking baby.

I know what you’re thinking…this photo is the MOTHERLOAD!

So many places to start, but I’m going to look to her philosophy on life first.  At the bottom you will see what she says about herself.  “Life’s a garden…DIG IT!”  I’m not sure if that’s truly her philosophy, but one thing is for sure: she knows how to hoe (it up).

Who tries to catch a man when she’s in her last trimester?  Perhaps she doesn’t understand the “tri” means “third” and not “try to find a baby-daddy.” Perhaps she’s hoping she can meet someone in time to get in on his HMO.  After all, having a baby isn’t cheap.

Looking up to her face we notice she couldn’t be bothered to put on makeup.  Perhaps she prefers au naturale when it comes to makeup.  If that’s the case, I hate to know if she continues that theory when it comes to her bikini line.

It also appears as if her hair is wet, which suggests good hygiene.  Either that, or she goes a litle crazy with the Dep hairgel. Either way is fine with me.

What I don’t see on her fingers are any rings.  If she’s on a dating site I would expect her not to have on a wedding ring, but her lack of rings here makes me wonder if she’s married but her fingers are just too swollen for jewelry.

I also suspect this may not be her first bundle of joy.  To the right there’s a stroller with things on it.  Something tells me this wasn’t just given to her at a baby shower thrown at the local the country club.  Rather, this stroller has some wear and tear from a few love nuggets before the newest batch.

I also can’t help but notice that it looks like she’s in her childhood bedroom at her mom’s house.  There’s old-school furniture and nothing about this scene says “This is my own place but I chose to decorate it like a teenager.” If she did live somewhere other than her mom’s house, why would she have her TV, 1990s computer AND her stroller all within a foot of each other?

And let’s address that TV, shall we? I want to say it’s a TV/VCR combo but that would be too perfect.  It looks like she has a stellar collection of DVDs, so perhaps she’s stepped out of the 80s when it comes to electronics.  I can’t see what movies she owns but I suspect there’s a copy of “Knocked Up” in there somewhere.

Next to the TV cart is a large cardboard box.  I can only assume this is already filled with the necessities she would need to move into your place…after your second date.  After all, it’s clear this chick moves fast.

Looking to the right there’s a collection of odd glass statues sitting on two shelves.  I’m telling myself they’re not random glass bongs, but not doing a good job of convincing myself of that.

On top of the hutch there’s what appears to be a Pogo Ball from the 80s.  Yes, I just referenced a Pogo Ball.  Maybe that’s not it but if it is, I might track this chick down just to borrow it.  I bet I could find her in the maternity ward.

And let us not forget the dirty underwear strewn behind her.  As if we needed reminding that she readily takes those things off.

Okay, I think that’s it for this week.  After all, this chick has already taken a pounding.  Oh, and she’s been mocked here too.

Did I miss anything?  Let me know!

Week 5 of Tinder Tuesdays

GUESS WHERE I’M PUBLISHED THIS WEEK?!  SCARYMOMMY.COM

Check out my post about how water parks are just like bars.

 

Week 3 of Tinder TuesdaysIt’s Tuesday and I’ve got a doozie lined up for you today.  It’s my birthday today so I wanted to do something extra special for this week’s installment.

This photo won’t disappoint.

From sequins to body hair to inappropriate floating devices, this week’s photo might just be my favorite one so far.  I’ve also decided that for this week only I’m going to post the picture.  I think I’ve done enough editing out to protect the real person’s identity, although I can’t imagine he isn’t well-known wherever he goes.

Either way, enjoy this week’s edition.  Please also feel free to send me money, candy, or any other birthday gifts you deem appropriate.

Tinder Tuesday HulkeThis guy is clearly festive, which is why I chose this as my birthday photo.  Check out his sequined banana hammock.  Nothing says “I know how to please a woman sexually” quite like gold sequined Speedos, although I doubt those are Speedo brand.  He doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would go all out for expensive items.

I mean, he clearly can’t invest in a razor for his man-palace.

This brings me to the second part of the photo I’d like to address.  What the hell is going on in his genital region?  Believe me, I don’t want to look there but my eyes can’t help but be drawn to the explosion of hair fighting to escape the sequined thong.

I suspect he had a hard time shoving all of it into those bikini bottoms and the visible hair is what wouldn’t fit.  If you look closely it appears as if part of his junk is actually exposed, although we can’t be certain as its covered by bushes and debris.

Homeboy could use a hedge trimmer.

What makes this even more confusing is the fact that he knows how to groom himself, as his facial hair is…interesting.  For starters, it’s perfectly manicured into two bushes on either side of his face, separated by a strip of skin.  It’s what I can only assume is a landing strip of pleasure.  It’s like a backward version of a Brazilian.

The can in his hand tells me he knows how to party.  Is it a manly beer?  Pft!  Of course not.  It’s Margarita in a can…just like all the real men drink.

This margarita tells me he knows how to party, but is too lazy to make a batch himself (although I’m sure he’s made many batches of his own special sauce…if you know what I’m saying.)

Tinder Tuesday Hulke

Take another look!

Looking to the bottom left of the photo, I see floral cushions mimicking those from the set of “The Golden Girls.”  I suspect they may actually be from the 80s.  I also suspect they’ve seen more action than Blanche Deveraux, and probably have just as many STDs.

Mixed in with the cushions is what appears to be a giant inflatable wiener.  I’m not sure I know what to say about this.  It’s a giant inflatable wiener.  Nuff said.

As if an inflatable wiener amongst floral cushions isn’t odd enough…there’s an Asian umbrella.  Quite honestly, I expected to see an Asian umbrella in this photo, but I thought it would be in Mr. Love’s drink.  No such luck.

Maybe the umbrella means he cares about protection…or he likes tea at high noon.

And what kind of vessel is he riding?  (I  bet his pick up line would be something about how you should “ride his vessel.”)  It looks like he’s on a barge or large dock of some sort.

What’s particularly interesting is the fact that there is a pool on the vessel.   I’m not sure why he would need a body of water on top of another body of water.

The only logical conclusion is that he sweats profusely and likes to be near water to cool off and let his chest hair flow with the water.

It also looks like there’s a pole in the background to the right.  I can’t tell what’s flying from it but one thing’s for sure:  it’s his freak flag.

What’s also funny is the fact there are people in the background who don’t seem surprised or shocked that a sweaty and hairy beast in a sequined thong is drinking a can of margaritas.

I’m not sure what kind of party this is and I can’t decide if I want to be invited.

I bet there’s crabs in the water.

____________________________________________________________________

Do you love my blog? Do you love Tinder Tuesdays?  Then please share me so others can get in on the fun!  Post me on Facebook, email my blog to friends…whatever.

Just don’t sign me up for Tinder.  I will seriously cut you if you do.