Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com -Yesterday Matt and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. And by “celebrated” I mean we took a nap after work, went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall Thai place, watched “Game of Thrones” and were in bed by 9:30.

What? That’s not what you were thinking was a perfect way to celebrate a 5th year of marital bliss?

So I assume you will forgive me for being a day late on what is clearly my readers’ favorite blog post of the month. Last month was definitely my favorite but Matt said some real gems this month too. He’s really out doing himself.

I won’t make you read my words anymore and will just get you to the crack that is this monthly column. Enjoy!

Supportive Husband

Lisa:  “I need to go to the gym. I need you to make me go to the gym whenever you go.”
Matt:  “Ok.”
Lisa:  “I mean it. Don’t make me go, but–
Matt:  “Sweetie, I understand the fine line I’m walking here.”

Music Fanatic

Lisa:  “That song is catchy.”
Matt:  “Yeah.  Like Goddamned syphilis.”

photo 3Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “I’m going to turn off the light. Can you use a book light to read?”
Lisa:  “Um. Ok.”
Matt:  “I don’t want to resent you if you leave it on, but this light hurts my eyes.”

Multi-tasker

Matt:  “There’s just not enough hours in the day…to get in all the sleep I want.”

Health Nut

Matt:  “We need to eat more legumes.”
Lisa:  “You don’t like them. It’s beans and stuff.”
Matt:  “I like some of them. I like jelly legumes.”

Attention to detail

Lisa:  “Did you see I finally framed that photo and put it up?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I noticed it yesterday but didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how long it had been up.”

Manly Man

Lisa:  “Why don’t you use that Caress body wash in the shower?”
Matt:  “I don’t think Caress can handle my body odor. I sweat like a man.”

photo 2Articulate

Matt:  “Where are the things and the stuff?”

Neat freak

Lisa:  “What’s with this stain on the floor?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I tried to clean it. I didn’t try that hard.”

Party Pooper

Matt:  <he says out of nowhere> “You know what I was never a fan of?”
Lisa:  “What?”
Matt:  “The hokey pokey. I just didn’t see what all the hype was about.”

Friend To All

Lisa:  “…and that’s why people like her.”
Matt:  “What?! People love me! I mean, except for that bitch.”

Pillow Talker

Matt:  “We have to get up. If I lay here much longer I’m going to fall asleep.
Lisa:  “Our stimulating conversation can’t keep you awake?”
Matt:  “No, it won’t.”

Lisa and Matt date nightAttention To Detail

Matt:  “Ah! I have dried shaving cream in my ear. Ah! It’s in my other ear. That’s not good. I had meetings today!”

Martyr

Lisa:  <after explaining why he has to use both body wash and soap>  “It’s exhausting being you isn’t it?”
Matt:  “Yeah. Why do you think I’m tired all the time?”

Excellent Coworker

Matt:  “I have to bring a rotisserie to a potluck tomorrow.”
Lisa:  “Thanks for not offering me to make a ham like you did last time. It’s a lot of work.”
Matt:  “How would you know? You never made it.”

Friend of Fashion

Matt:  “You have a stain on your shirt.”
Lisa:  “Really? Is it noticeable?”
Matt:  “Not more than your other shirts.”

Honest Spouse

Lisa:  <Hears a smash in the basement.> “Did I just hear something break?”
Matt:  <Coming from the sound of the smash>  “No.  Hey, did you break this vase down here?”

Modest

Matt:  “It takes a lot to keep up with this beauty.  Some might think it’s easy, but it takes work.”

weddingLover of Children (But Not In A Creepy Way)

Matt:  “That kid has been playing by himself for two hours. It’s sad as shit.”

Considerate of Others’ Problems

Lisa:  “I’m still mad at you for throwing out those flowerpots.”
Matt:  “Sounds like a YP and not a MP.”
Lisa:  “What’s that?”
Matt:  “A ‘your problem’ not ‘my problem.'”

photo 1 (3)Accepting of Others

Matt:  “I didn’t know you were running for judicial office……Miss Judgey.”

Frugal Shopper

Lisa:  “If I had a truck I would pick up so much free stuff from Craigslist.”
Matt:  “You don’t need to buy a bunch of stuff.
Lisa:  “I wouldn’t buy it. It would be free.”
Matt:  “I know. I didn’t say ‘buy.'”
Lisa:   “Yes you did. You said ‘buy.'”
Matt:  “I’m saying ‘bye’ to this conversation.”

All joking aside, happiest of anniversaries to my beloved husband.  I really do adore him!

Which was your favorite?

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Other places I’m on the web this week!

9 Things Your Husband Does That Should Be Sexy But Totally Aren’t

8 Ridiculously Petty (And Funny) Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

Woohoo!  The 10 Stages of Getting Wedding Drunk (As Told Through Funny Gifs)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends (But Never Her Husband) 

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

Funny crap my husband says, March 2014 edition - lisanewlin.com -I’ve been gone for a while and some of you have actually noticed, which totally makes my day!  Granted, some of you may have inquired as to my absence if for no other reason than to wonder when more of my antics will appear so you can mock me.  I’m fine with it.

So what better way to celebrate my not-so-noticeable absence than with an installment of your favorite monthly column?  I must say that although I enjoy every month’s collections, this month is especially hilarious.

For those of you new to this column, every month I write down random funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.  Sadly, I don’t have access to writing utensils many of the times he says something extra hilarious, so many of them go forgotten.  But these are the ones I was able to save and happily share with you.  Enjoy.

The Saint

Matt:  “I have a headache.”
Lisa:  “Take some Tylenol.”
Matt:  “Nah.  It’s easier to sit here and complain about it.”

Completely Logical

Lisa:  “You always turn that lamp off whenever I turn it on.  Why?”
Matt:  “I have my reasons.”
Lisa:  “What are they?”
Matt:  “I’m not sure.”

Matt and Lisa at dinner at Scottish ArmsGood Samaritan

Matt:  “It’s a little slippery on the front step.  Be careful not to fall.”
Lisa:  “You be careful too.”
Matt:  “Oh, it’s not slippery for a normal person.  Just you.”

Purveyor of Fine Smells

Matt:  “It stinks.  Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt:  “Wait.  Did I fart?  Yep.  That’s me.”

Food Critic

Lisa:  “Sorry you hated the new recipe I tried tonight.”
Matt:  “I didn’t hate it.  It just…wasn’t good.”

Dance Expert

Lisa:  “My jaw keeps popping.”
Matt:  “Does it also keep locking?”

Activist

Matt:  “What kind of sandwich do you want me to order for you?
Lisa:  “The traditional.”
Matt:  “Is that a sandwich only to be shared between a man and a woman?”

VIP

Matt:  “I have to go to sleep now.  I have a big day tomorrow.  <pause> No I don’t.”

Matt and Lisa close up in NOLaid Back

Matt:  “I’m easy.  Like Sunday morning.  Do you know what my nickname was in high school?  Pie. Because I was that easy.  I should be a Cover Girl because I’m so easy and breezy.”

Criminal Outlaw

Lisa:  “If you go to trial on a speeding ticket, they would pull your driving record.”
Matt:  “Would they also pull my awesome record?  Because I think that’s relevant.  Do you know what that record would consist of?  My Facebook page.”

Topical Conversationalist

Matt:  “No one talks about El Nino anymore.  Let’s talk about that sh*t.

Grateful Husband

Matt:  “Can you get me a glass of water?
Lisa:  “Yes.”
Matt:  “Thanks.  I could make a sweater out of you because you’re a lamb.”

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Other places I’m on the Internet this week

10 “Weird” Things Couples Do That Are Totally Normal (with funny Gifs!)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends, But Not Her Husband (with funny Gifs!)

 

funny crap my husband says, October 2014 (2)Another month has passed and we find ourselves in February; the armpit of the calendar year.  No one likes February because it’s cold and dreary and we’re required to have a day of love and being mushy, and I can’t stand that.

Fortunately, I’ve got some real gems for you this month of funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t at all trying to be funny.

Fiscally Conservative

Lisa:  “We need to make a house for that stray cat to keep him warm in these cold temperatures.”
Matt:  “We can’t do that.  There’s no way we can afford a second mortgage.”

Know-It-All

Matt:  “I knew it! Hashtag knowledge bomb.  Hashtag watch the sky.”

DSC00347Medical Expert

Lisa:  “I have a horrible headache.”
Matt:  “It’s probably because it’s cold outside and the cold is causing pressure on your brain since it’s shrinking.”
Lisa:  “But if it’s shrinking, wouldn’t it be causing less pressure?”
Matt:  “I don’t know.  I just know that the cold sucks.”

Art Enthusiast

Matt:  “That shirt is really booby.  Can you put those away?  Unless…that art exhibit is going to become interactive…

DSC00428Government Operative

Lisa:  “Do you know what the Office of the Inspector General does?
Matt:  “Yes.”
Lisa:  “What does it do?”
Matt:  “Why don’t you look it up and then I’ll tell you if you’re right?”
Lisa:  “You don’t know, do you?”
Matt:  “Of course I do.  They inspect things….generally.”

Hipster Extraordinaire

Matt:  “Really?  Did you read about that in Hipster Weekly?  Or rather, it would be Hipster Every 27 Days.”

DSC01063Doctor Love

Lisa:  “I want to get lipo suction.”
Matt:  “No.  Do you know how many people die from lipo?”
Lisa:  “No.  How many?”
Matt:  “I don’t know, but it’s not zero.”

Rand McNally

Lisa:  “Do you know where Papua New Guinea is?”
Matt:  “It’s right next to Mama New Guinea.”

Enjoy those?  Which was your favorite?

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Check out where else I am on the web!

YIKES! 12 Signs You’re With A Man And Not A Man-Child

10 Reasons Extroverts Make The Best Wives

funny crap my husband says, October 2014 (1)I was definitely on Santa’s naughty list this year, and not just because I ate almost an entire cookie cake in one sitting.  Honestly, that should be listed as an accomplishment and not something bad.  My husband didn’t see it that way.  <said softly while looking down>

Either way, I was on his naughty list because I failed to provide my beloved readers with a December 2014 edition of Funny Crap My Husband Says.  I know.  I’m a horrible person.

Since I know you guys live for these posts, I’ve decided to not keep you in suspense any longer. So without any further delay, here are a few things my beloved husband said recently that really cracked my sh*t up.

Spiritualist

Lisa:  “We need to make an effort to be more present in our lives.
Matt:  “I’m present.  I’m the most present person I know.  Take roll because I’m present!

Olfactory Expert

Matt:  “Why does it smell like onions in here?
Lisa:  “Because I threw away the container that the chopped onions came in.”
Matt:  “Nah.  That can’t be it.”

Lisa and Matt Christmas 2014Number One Husband

Matt:  “Anyone who says they aren’t afraid of their wife is either lying or is just an a$$hole.”

Dictator

Matt:  “You should go pick us up something for dinner.”
Lisa:  “Ok.  Like what?
Matt:  “I don’t know.  I can’t make all of the decisions.

Worldly Man

Matt:  “Move to the Dakotas?  No one lives in the Dakotas!  Canada could be an option but I don’t know how Bitcoin is handled there and the exchange rate is a b*tch.

Lisa and Matt Gala 2014Loverboy

Matt:  “Did you hear that Leonardo DiCaprio had sex with 21 girls at the same time?
Lisa:  “How is that possible?  I bet he didn’t actually do it with all of them.”
Matt:  “He probably did.  I know when I order a 3 course meal I don’t stop at 2 when I’m eating it.

Considerate Husband

Matt:  “You have something in your teeth.  It’s been there since lunch.”

Comedian

Lisa:  “Stop making me laugh.  It puts me into a coughing fit.”
Matt:  “Until now I wasn’t aware I had that capability.”

There you have it!  And yes, he really does have the capability to make me laugh.  I just don’t like him to know it.

So which one was your favorite?

Add textYes readers.  It’s time for your favorite segment; the segment that keeps my blog alive because all of you love my husband almost as much as I love s’mores.

Almost.

For those of you not familiar with this segment, it’s a collection of funny crap my husband said throughout the month when he wasn’t at all trying to be funny.  I type them up in my phone after he says them and save them so I can recite them to you once a month and you can howl at his comments and secretly be jealous that I’m married to the funniest man ever.

So let’s get to it.

Neat Freak

Matt:  “This room is a mess.  It looks like your closet regurgitated everywhere.  Can you clean it up? I need you to unregurgitate….or gurgitate.”

Fairytale Lover

Lisa:  <Tells a story>  “It was horrible.”

Matt:  “Well, this story certainly isn’t any fun either.”

Easy To Please

Matt:  “Can I have a bottle of water?

Lisa: <hands bottle to Matt>

Matt:  “What’s this?”

Lisa: “It’s a bottle of water I opened this morning, took one drink, and put it back in the fridge.  It’s fine.

Matt:  “When I asked for a bottle of water, it was implied it was a fresh one and not someone’s leftovers.”

photo (6)Lover of Justice

Lisa: “I need to mail this check into the court for your speeding ticket but I can’t find the court’s address.”

Matt:  “Did you make the check out to ‘The Man’ and then mail it to ‘1111 Screwing Over John Q. Public Way?‘”

Forward Thinker

Matt:  “Saying ‘outside the box’ is the most ‘inside the box’ thing you can say.”

Lisa:  “Says who?”

Matt:  “Says me.”

Fair and Balanced

Lisa:  “Why do you get so angry about the dumbest things?”

Matt:  “I don’t get angry.  I just get judgmental.

Open Minded

Lisa:  “Where are we going for dinner?”

Matt:  “I don’t know.  You haven’t given me suggestions that I can shoot down yet.

Small Talker

Matt: “Can you believe these gas prices? It’s like ‘Hello 2005!‘”

at bar in new orleans

funny crap my husband says, September 2014 (1)Hey guys!

Summer is over which means I’m in a perpetual state of sadness.  However, one of the few things that lifts my spirits is posting some of the funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.

I’ve had a rough few weeks recently and this guy has gotten me through them with a lot of laughs.  (And bourbon.  I’ve had a LOT of bourbon these last 2 weeks.)

Since I love you guys, I’m sharing some of the wonderful nuggets of wisdom my husband shared with me this past month.  I really need to market him into a 1-900 number of inspirational sh*t.

Lover Not A Fighter

Matt:  “I’m totally amorous.  If I was a drink I’d be an amorous-o-sour.”

Inventor

Lisa: <Walks into room to find Matt laying on the couch.> “I thought for sure you’d be drinking a glass of wine.

Matt:  <Points to glass of wine between his legs> “I’m hands-free with this b*tch!

Buddhist/Spiritual Adivsor

Matt: “I could totally be a Buddhist if it wasn’t for all that silence stuff.”

photo (1)

He was NOT happy I took this photo.

Scientist

Lisa:  “Close the curtains. People can see inside the house now that it’s dark.”

Matt:  “No they can’t.”

Lisa:  “Yes they can. You can see inside the house when it’s dark outside and light inside the house.”

Matt:  “No. It’s the opposite of that.”

Lisa:  “So you’re saying you can see inside the house when it’s light outside and dark in the house.”

Matt:  “Of course not. It’s the opposite of that. It’s science honey. I can’t explain it.”

Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “Ouch!  Ouch! This is hot!“<Throws bag of steamed vegetables at Lisa>  “You take it!

Speaker of Sweet-Nothings

Matt:  <laughing>  “I want to say something but it’s gonna creep you out.”

Lisa:  “Just say it.”

Matt: “No. I’m creeped out just thinking about it.”

photo (2)

Please excuse my humidity hair. New Orleans is humid y’all!

A Jokester

Lisa: “That’s a Matt Newlin joke.” 

Matt: “No it’s not. I wouldn’t ever say something so lame…unless it was about a horse that had to be put down.” <Gives a Goddamned sh*t-eating grin>

Doctor Love

Lisa:  “I need to get my birth control prescription.”

Matt:  “Where do you go for that? Do you go to a urologist? Or maybe a HERologist?

World’s Best Listener

Lisa:  “And so I was thinking…

Matt:  <Gets up and leaves the room> “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lisa:  “I was in the middle of telling you a story.”

Matt:  “I knew where it was going.”

We really do love each other!

We really do love each other!

Tom Hardy’s #1 Fan

Lisa:  “Isn’t Tom Hardy bisexual? I thought he was.”

Matt:  “Tom Hardy is not bisexual. He’s just so straight that he bangs guys. That doesn’t make him bisexual.”

Steel Trap Memory

Lisa: “What else did you say the other night when we were talking about going to Mexico?

Matt: “I don’t know. You know I don’t listen to myself.

So what was your favorite Matt Newlism of the month? Tell me all about it!

Matt in seattleYou know him as the witty guy who makes you laugh with unintentionally funny comments.  I know him as the guy who’s always trying to touch my boobs.

Either way, he’s back for the April edition of more “funny crap my husband says when he’s not at all trying to be funny.”

The only thing that would make these posts better would be if you could see his face immediately after he drops these nuggets of wisdom.  It’s even funnier than the nuggets themselves.

Dare Devil

Lisa: “I want to start a movement for adult ‘Double Dare.'”
Matt:  “They have that already. It’s called an orgy.”

IMG_4952Nature Lover

Matt: “I saw some squirrels either wrestling or doing a mating dance.
Lisa: “Did you watch it?”
Matt:  “No. If it was a mating dance I’d feel creepy.”

Keen Sense of Smell

Matt:  “Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt: “Oh god. Is that my fart I’m smelling? It’s horrible. It smells like dirty eggs.”

Non-judgmental Observer

Matt:  “Look at that couple. Couple of losers.”

Pessimist

Matt:  “All I ever asked was for you to accept me for who I am.”
Lisa:  “I thought you were going to go with ‘love you.'”
Matt:  <whispers and looks down> “I gave up on that long ago.”

IMG_5093D.A.R.E Advocate

Matt: “Meth: come for the weight loss stay for the tooth loss.”

Humble Guy

Matt: “No one is perfect. I have my faults.”
Lisa: “What are they?”
Matt: “I can’t think of any right now.”

Hipster

Matt: “I don’t understand kids today with their MySpace and their complicated pants.”

Penny Pincher

Matt: “There’s two things I don’t pay for: sex and parking.”

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Other places you can find me on the web this week

You can find me this week at NickMom talking about how preschools are just like wineries.

You can also buy the new book I’m in here.

Isn't he cute?

Isn’t he cute?

My husband and I recently decided to test the bounds of our relationship:  We took on a home improvement project.

When we bought our house, the guest bedroom was a shade of baby blue that no baby has ever been able to successfully rock.

Unfortunately, we were too tired from bossing the moving men around to paint the room back then, but we figured we’d get to it later.

***Enter five years later***

A few weeks ago we decided to take on this painting project.

Maybe we were incapacitated, or maybe we were just stupid, but either way, we decided to paint the room and roll the dice on if our marriage would survive.

Cleaning before painting.  Even though paint wasn't opened at this point, it was still crucial he wore the HazMat suit.

Cleaning before painting. Even though paint hasn’t been opened at this point, it’s crucial to wear the HazMat suit.

SIDE NOTE:  Home Depot and Lowe’s should add a complimentary divorce kit to any home improvement project purchase over $200.  It would be an excellent service to their customers.

Fortunately, our marriage (and our walls) survived painting and redoing our bedroom.

Of course, my husband said a few funny things throughout the day that helped get me through.

Smelling paint thinner also helped.

 

Idea Man

The kids are using Pinterest these days.  They tell me there’s good stuff on there.”

FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, WHENEVER WE SAW ANYTHING WE LIKED AT THE STORE…

Pin it!

Inspirational Speaker

We haven’t made any mistake that can’t be fixed.”

LESS THAN 2 MINUTES LATER….

Well, that can’t be fixed!

Doesn't it look like he's not wearing shorts under his painting suit?  He is, but still...

Doesn’t it look like he’s not wearing shorts under his painting suit? He is, but still…

The Musician

Lisa:  “I have California Girls in my head.”

Matt:  “Crap.  Now I do too. Wait, which one?  Katy Perry or the Beach Boys version?  I want to be on the same page.”

The Martyr

Matt:  “I’m tired and hungry.”

Lisa:  “Poor baby.  How do you do it?  How do you forge ahead when things are this difficult?

Matt:  “One day at a time…<sighs and hold head down> One day at a time…

Wealth of Knowledge

Matt:  “There was an interesting article the other day about how people are able to walk across hot coals.”

Lisa:  “How do they do it?

Matt:  “I don’t know.  I didn’t read the article.”

The Fashionista

Lisa:  “You can’t wear your Chuck Taylors while you paint.”

Matt:  “I can wear my Chuck Taylors and do anything.”

Can you believe he chose the Chuck Taylor's that most closely matched his outfit?

Can you believe he chose the Chuck Taylor’s that most closely matched his outfit?

I took this and he didn't know it.  I crack up every time I look at it.

I took this and he didn’t know it. I crack up every time I look at it.

I’ve been sick for a week.  Yes, a full fricking week.  It’s been painful for everyone, but mostly me because…you know…I feel bad.  Duh.

Maybe it’s being home sick, or maybe it’s the medications I’m on that make me loopy, but I feel like my husband is being a bit more funny than usual. I’ll let you decide.

Here are a few examples of things he’s said recently.  Yes, these are actually things he’s said when he isn’t trying to be funny.

That fact makes me happy, and then sad, and then happy again.

Fashion Police

Matt in slippersAre you sad I don’t wear leather jackets?

Safety Conscious

Matt: “Why is that car waiting?  I’m not turning.”
Lisa:  “He’s just trying to be safe.”
Matt:  “He’s just trying to be a pussy.”

Observationist

Log Cabin Lane?  That’s adorable but there’s no log cabin anywhere in sight.”

Internet Researcher

I want to know exactly how Kevin Ware hurt himself so I can make sure I don’t do the same thing.”

Matt and Bentley sleepingPillow talk

Why don’t you sleep with your head on the pillow?  It’s not good for your neck…and it’s really inconvenient for me. ”

Know-it-all

Matt: “I’ll take the chicken Pad Thai, no vegetables.”
Waiter:  “Do you want peanuts with it?”
Matt: “Yes.”  (after the waiter walks away) Peanuts aren’t a vegetable, they’re a f*cking legume.”

All About Image

Yup, I”m all about my image.  It’s why I work in financial aid and drive a Saturn Ion.”

Directionally Challenged

Matt: “This Google Maps Street View is awesome.”
Lisa:  “What is it?”
Matt:  “It s a street view of Google Maps.”

Matt passed outSmart Ass (literally)

Lisa:  “Oh look, the entrance is in the rear.”
Matt:  *muttered under breath* “Not in this relationship it isn’t.”

Sniff Test

Matt:  “What’s that smell in here?”
Lisa:  “It’s onions.”
Matt:  “It smells like death.”

Literary Genius

I like my books like I like my women.  Cheap, and sometimes dirty.”

You’re jealous.  I know.  I’m a lucky gal.

funny crap my husband says, April 2013

201

As many of you already know, my husband has a way of unintentionally being funny.  From his random observations about nature to his comments on the woman buying melons at the store, he has a way of cracking me up without even trying.

It’s not that he’s trying to be ironic or humorous.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  Especially him, as he’s far too busy figuring out which Chuck Taylors will go with his outfit, or if his t-shirt needs a second ironing.  (It usually doesn’t…but it usually gets one anyway.)

recently posted a few of the random things Matt said that made me laugh.  Since you guys share my sense of humor and love of mocking my husband, I decided to grace you with another post with more of my dear husband’s observations/statements.  They’re real gems.

1.  Mr. Miranda

Me:  “If a cop stops you and tries to detain you, what do you say?

Matt: “Am I under arrest?…..And then follow it up with ‘you can suck a dick.’ They like it when you assert authority.

002

2.  Weathering the storm

Matt:  “It’s really cold! I’m going to go buy a hoodie.

Me:  “You’re wearing a hoodie.”

Matt:  “I need a second hoodie to reinforce this hoodie.

3.  Silent Stalker (said while we were at a movie premiere at South by Southwest)

Matt:  “Olivia Wilde is going to be here. I need to find her.”

Me:  “She’s engaged now.

Matt:  “I prefer not to discuss it.” 

Me:  “You’re married.

Matt:  “I fail to see your point.” 

4.  A man with standards (observation about one of his friends)

Matt:  “I’m really glad Jordan doesn’t chew tobacco.”

Me:  “Why?”

Matt:  “It would really put a damper on our friendship.

5.  Mr. G.Q.  (I heard this outburst from him in the morning from the other room.) 

Matt:  “Crap! I put my underwear on wrong side out. That’s, that’s not how you want to start your day.”

standing up at spa

6.  Dr. Doom  (said when referencing Kevin Ware’s broken leg)

Matt:  “That guy had a bad broken leg. He’s never gonna dance again.”

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I know.  He’s ridiculous, but he’s my kind of ridiculous, and these little nuggets of wisdom are sometimes the only thing that keeps our marriage going.

Oh, that and he always unloads the dishwasher.