I love to eat and since I don’t want to give up chocolate lava cake, or carbs, or sugar, or anything else that is delicious, I know I need to burn some serious calories in workouts. Enter Zumba classes.
For those of you unfamiliar with Zumba, it is a torturous aerobics class where we constantly move our hips and do somewhat sexy dancing (although with the size of my hips and my protruding stomach, I would say I look anything but sexy.
I look more like I’m having a seizure).
As I’ve taken these Zumba classes, I’ve noticed a few things about the instructors.
So here are the 9 things I’ve observed about Zumba instructors.
I know, lists usually have 10 things, but I couldn’t think of a 10th thing so stop judging and read. And 10 is so unoriginal. I’m such a trend setter and 9 is going to be the new 10.
1. They must love rubber bracelets
It seems that every Zumba instructor I see has one arm covered in those ridiculous rubber bracelets.
At first, I thought they were all just really devoted to finding a cure for cancer, or that they loved Lance Armstrong and his one testicle.
But a closer look demonstrated these rubber bracelets say “Zumba!” on them. (Yes, with the exclamation point). Apparently zumba instructors love jewelry but are too cheap to buy anything made from material other than what tires are made of.
Maybe teaching Zumba doesn’t pay well. And I can’t imagine that rubber bracelets smell good after an hour of sweating it out to Latin music.
Clearly these women need to find a Claire’s Boutique asap.
2. They must wear bright colors
What ever happened to a nice gray t-shirt for a workout at the gym? Clearly this is forbidden in the Zumba instructor world.
Maybe when they get those rubber bracelets from the super secret place they shop, they are reminded of the importance of wearing distracting neon colors.
Maybe the bright colors are used as a focal point so those of us in class who start to feel weak and lightheaded can look to the blurry bright yellow blob doing hip moves and attempt to stay conscious.
Personally, I think a bunch of bright colors bopping around to the tunes of Gloria Estefan is enough to make any normal person go into shock. And yet, I return each week for more zumba.
3. They must have at least a small form of Tourettes
I have no idea why this is necessary, as it certainly doesn’t help me burn off my burrito any faster.
But alas, every class I’ve been to has involved an instructor randomly yelling this throughout the workout.
Perhaps that’s why they wear the rubber bracelets adorned with the word…maybe their memory isn’t that great and they constantly need to be reminded of what they are doing.
4. They must look good when they work out
So I realize I may not look overly attractive when I start at the gym, but about halfway through the workout, I look horrible.
My face is red and last night’s mascara is always running down my face, as I can’t seem to find a good makeup remover to save my life.
As I gasp for air and pray for the end, I look up and inevitably see a neon blob with rubber bracelets looking amazingly good.
What?! How are these women not dripping their makeup down their faces, or at least sweating a little under their armpits?
My shirt is always covered in sweat and I look like I might have a heart attack at any moment. These instructors, although sweaty, seem to glisten with the sweat, and I swear they look even more attractive.
How is this possible? Perhaps a requirement of becoming an instructor is to put them in a sauna and see how good they look when they perspire.
I wouldn’t pass that test.
5. They must hate Mexican food
The urge to eat something salty and covered in melted cheese is overwhelming at times, and if there was a Taco Bell close to the gym, I’m pretty sure I would have that every day for my post-workout meal.
Clearly these instructors hate Mexican food, or have will power of steel, because I don’t know how any respectable human being can listen to the music they play at Mexican restaurants every day as part of their job, and not be tempted to indulge in some serious carnitas.
I know they can’t possibly like Mexican food because if they did, these instructors wouldn’t be the size 2 that all of them are.
And no one can resist chips and salsa. No one.
So clearly instructors hate Mexican food. Which makes them un-American if you ask me.
6. They must all have artificial hips
These instructors clearly have bionic limbs with the way they are able to shake their hips to the beat, all the while looking attractive.
I’m convinced their joints aren’t human, and must be machine.
7. They must have a very short memory
From the clothes they wear that say “Zumba!” all over them, to the bracelets, to the yelling of Zumba in the songs, to the random Tourettes yelling, these instructors clearly need constant updates about what they are doing.
8. They must enjoy torturing themselves
Zumba is not for the weak hearted (or the overweight).
It’s rigorous and ridiculous and I usually want to pass out after the warm up.
Clearly these instructors love to torture themselves, as I can’t see any reason why they seem to be enjoying the squats as much as they do.
9. They have to be able to walk and chew gum at the same time
These moves involve the hips, the legs and the arms, and I’m lucky to get one of those movements correct, let alone all three. These instructors seem to do multiple movements with ease, as they glisten away.
Clearly, the walking and chewing gum thing must be a requirement.
That’s all I could come up with for now, although I may think better when my legs aren’t throbbing and I’m not so dehydrated.
I will continue to attend Zumba classes, mostly because I want to keep eating and Mexican food keeps calling my name.
I’m off to down a burrito from Chipotle….