Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com - (1)Hello my friends!  I am back from a long hiatus from blogging. I’m sure you missed me, but I’m sure you missed my husband more. It’s okay.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that my readers love my hubby more than they love me.  Then again, what’s not to love, especially when he says some of the things he says.

So let’s get to it.  I have a long list because it’s been a while since I’ve done this so settle in for some good laughs. And I’ll say it again….he’s all mine….be jealous.

Parking Expert

Matt: “People who back into parking spaces should be sterilized.”

Receptionist

Matt:  “You need to pick up your prescription from Walgreens. They keep calling me and leaving me angry messages.”
Lisa: “It’s a recording.”
Matt:  “She has a tone.”

photo 2 (14)Humble Husband

Lisa:  “You’re such a martyr.
Matt:  “No I’m not.” <whispers while looking down> “I’m just a really good guy.

Accepting of Others

Matt: <while watching some woman do something strange> “What’s this bitch doing? Aside from being a bitch?

Equine Expert

Lisa:  “Why do they say ‘I have to pee like a race horse?‘”
Matt:  “Because they have to pee a lot.”
Lisa: “But then why don’t they just go pee if they have to pee? Why wait?
Matt: “This conversation is boring.

photo 1 (13)Animal Lover

Lisa: <Observing Matt pushing around the outside plants with a broom> “What are you doing? Looking for critters like chipmunks?”
Matt:  “I don’t care about chipmunks. They’re awesome and fight danger in their spare time. I’m looking for snakes. Snakes serve no purpose.” <begins singing “Chip and Dale’s” theme song>

Partier

Matt:  “What do you want to do tonight? Well, not so much do as watch.

Compassionate Man

photo 3 (10)Matt:  “My eye is starting to droop. Oh no!
Lisa:Don’t talk to me about droopy eyes. I’ve had a droopy eye for a year.
Matt:  “It’s not a competition. Let me have this.”

Insightful

Matt:  “Remember that movie ‘The Land Before Time?’ When Little Leaf’s mom died and he saw his shadow and thought it was her so he started running to it and it kept getting smaller?
Lisa:Yes.
Matt:  “Who the hell wrote that? It’s some f*cked up sh*t.
Lisa:  “This is super random.”
Matt:  “What? I was just trying to make conversation.”

photo 2 (16)Non Judgmental

Matt:  “I’m telling you. That woman is awful. Exhibit B…For bitch.

Motivated Guy

Matt:  “I’m sleepy.
Lisa:  “You were in bed 3 hours ago.”
Matt:  “I know. I miss it.

Easily Impressed

Lisa:  “I just typed all of that on my phone without looking and there was no errors.
Matt:  “Yeah. You do that when you’re typing on the computer too. I think you think it impresses me.

photo (14)World History Expert

Matt:  “When The Italians invented pizza it was pepperoni.”
Lisa:  “You don’t know if that’s true.
Matt:  “You don’t know it’s not true.

Delightful Company

Lisa:  “You know, you’re no picnic yourself.”
Matt:  “I’m a picnic. I’m a picnic in goddamned Central Park.

Fashion Expert

Matt:  “Look at that guy’s hair. He looks like he stepped out of the 80sDo people even do their hair like that? Do hair stylists even do that to people?

photo 4 (1)Wordsmith

Matt:Where’s all this sass coming from? I didn’t know it was Sass-ur-day.

Patriotic

Matt:  “…Because we live in STL. Americas asshole.

Humble Man

Matt:  <cleaning glasses>
Lisa:  “Are those your regular glasses or your Warby Parker’s?”
Matt:  “Warby Parkers. ………I know.
Lisa:  “You know what?
Matt:  “I just thought you were going to say I looked good in them.

Christmas EveLightly Scented

Lisa:  “Wow. That’s a lot of cologne you just sprayed. Trying to impress someone?
Matt:  “No. I’m just not sure how dirty this shirt is.”

Sympathetic Citizen

Lisa:  “They still haven’t found those two guys who escaped from prison.”
Matt:  “I still haven’t found my glasses…I get it.

Fixer Of Things

Matt:  “The hose is flowing fine now….like my rhymes!”

Did you like this edition? Did it give you your Matt Newlin fix?  Which one was your favorite?

Matt in ER

In the hospital one of the times I was there for shingles. He’s probably calculating how much this will cost us.

It’s time for everyone’s favorite segment:  Funny Crap My Husband Says.

No matter what clever posts I come up with, you guys love these posts the best.  Please don’t tell my husband that.  I don’t want him to think he’s actually funny.

Sixth Sense

Your breath smells bad. It’s like you ate Shitflakes by Smellogg’s.”

Advertising Genius

You know that law firm that advertises it represents only men in divorces?  They’re one step away from just saying ‘bitches be crazy.'”

Alcohol Connosseur 

Lisa: “You’re a pussy when it comes to drinks.”
Matt: “Yeah. I’ve never claimed otherwise.”

Thjs puzzle was kicking his ass.

Thjs puzzle was kicking his ass.

Fashionista

That vest looks like it’s denim and leather combined. Like a cow f*cked a pair of jeans.”

Food Critic

Matt: “This makes every other bruschetta before this taste like dog shit.
Lisa: “I’m concerned you know what dog shit tastes like.”
Matt: “I had a life before you.”

Dr. Diagnosis

If your immune system was something we bought, I would return it even without the receipt. It’s a lemon.”

Wino

I drank an entire bottle of wine last night and was at the gym at 7am this morning. Hashtag beast.”

Since I’m always on the cutting edge of fashion, allow me to introduce you to the next new fashion craze: eye patches.

Ok. Maybe the fashion world hasn’t been made aware of this new trend but they’re sure to catch wind of it soon. Hopefully it’s a pleasant wind when it blows their way.

As some of you may know, shingles bitch-slapped me across the face.  Yes, my face. Most people get them on their hip or back, but I prefer to wear my afflictions on my face. 

Unfortunately, the shingles spread to my eyes and it was actually quite serious.  I’m still recovering but it’s a painfully slow process, mostly because I have a large bandage on my forehead and I’m caught up on all the episodes of “The Mindy Project.”  

This guy knows what I'm talking about.  Check out that white eye patch! photo credit: madabandon via photopin cc

This guy knows what I’m talking about. Check out that white eye patch!
photo credit: madabandon via photopin cc

The worst part  is that it’s all over the cornea of my left eye. What does that mean? It means I feel like someone is stabbing me in the eyeball and I have a headache you can’t imagine.

I’m also extremely sensitive to light and sometimes my eye swells completely shut.  In light of this, my doctor suggested an eye patch to protect my cornea and let me heal (and to spare others from seeing my gross eye).

Because I’m frugal, I decided to fashion my own eye patch out of a scrap of yarn I had from when I tried a new crochet stitch. I connected it to a headband and had an adjustable eye patch for free. I was pumped!

My husband, however was not. He bought me a real eye patch, which lacks the creativity and pizzazz of my original creation.

Not too bad, huh?  It's adjustable!

Not too bad, huh? It’s adjustable!

I hate the eye patch but it’s necessary. So in an effort  to make me feel better about my new accessory, I looked for inspiration from others who wear eye patches.  

Knowing there are others out there suffering helps me get through this.  

It doesn’t take away the pain, but Percocet does that.

Here’s a few.

One-eyed Willie:  I’m not sure why he needs an eye patch at all. He is a skeleton who doesn’t have eyeballs. I’m not sure what purpose the patch serves other than to make him look like a badass.   If that is its purpose, it’s a success.

Captain Morgan: He looks pretty good in his patch. I suspect he suffered an injury while on the high seas, which is why he has the “captain” moniker. I also suspect he suffers from my eye pain as well. Fortunately, we both handle it the same way: with liquor.

Not nearly as cool

Not nearly as cool

Patch Adams: Okay, he doesn’t have a patch but it’s in his name so I had to include him.

Patch from “Days of our Lives”: I remember him from when I was a kid. He was covered in leather from eye to toe. He made women swoon and cattle fear for their hides.

Captain Ron: He’s everyone’s favorite captain (second only to Morgan). Perhaps his lack of boating skills is because he only has one good eye. It’s either that or he uses the patch because he lost his sunglasses.

In light of these characters who also wear eye patches I’m feeling a little better about my new accessory.

But really, it’s going to be the next big thing. Just you wait.

What you didn't see at fashion weekI’m pretty much a style icon.  A fashion maven if you will.

Fifty-something women all over the Midwest look to me for inspiration about what to wear…and then they don’t wear it because they know I don’t have the first clue about fashion (or low waisted pants.)

As you know, New York Fashion Week just ended, which means all the new styles for Spring 2014 premiered.  Yes, I know, it seems strange that Fall Fashion Week showcases spring fashions.

It doesn’t make sense, but neither does Jessica Simpson being taken seriously as a fashion designer.  There are just some mysteries that will never be solved.

My friend Gansavoort is a fabulous fashion editor in New York City, and although she didn’t explicitly invite me to Fashion Week this year, I definitely took her subliminal hints that she wanted me there.

Please don’t think of coming to Fashion Week” and “I’ll lose my job if I’m seen with you” were just decoy texts.  I  know she wishes I could make it.

Next time, Gansavoort.  Next time.

Since I wasn’t there, I’m not sure what fashions were showcased this year, but I have an idea of what fashions weren’t showcased.  Here are a few things I know didn’t make the runway, although I wish they would have.

photo credit: cackhanded via photopin cc

photo credit: cackhanded via photopin cc

1.  Pajama Jeans

When is the fashion world going to catch on to this amazing invention?

They’re pajamas….that look like jeans!

This is pure and simple comfortable brilliance and nothing more.

2.  Muffin tops

photo credit: rick via photopin cc

photo credit: rick via photopin cc

I realize this isn’t an outfit, per se, although it’s an accessory that accompanies every one of my ensembles.

I’m sure not only did none of the fashion models sport muffin tops, none of them have ever savored the delicious goodness of devouring 5 muffin tops in under 3 minutes.

Come to think of it, maybe that’s why they don’t have muffin tops.

3.  Orthopedic shoes

photo credit: BEYOURPET via photopin cc

photo credit: BEYOURPET via photopin cc

If only, my dear readers.  If only this was a fashion statement.  If it was, I’d be the most fashionable chick at Curves Fitness.

As of now, I’m the youngest member, with Gretta coming in second place right behind me at a whopping 57 years young.  The two of us could rock that runway in our orthopedics and remind the fashion world how great it is to have comfortable shoes.

We’d walk that runway in style, and at a snails’ pace because of our feet problems.

4.  Bonnie Bell lip gloss

photo credit: twitchery via photopin cc

photo credit: twitchery via photopin cc

This shit is awesome and I’m not sure why it’s not the exclusive lip gloss of Fashion Week.  It should be.

Poor Bonnie Bell is shunned from the fashion world, although her arch nemesis, Bobbi Brown, is always rocking the runway in style.

Although I’m a Bobbi Brown girl at heart because it’s “My Prerogative,” (see what I did there?  Bobbi Brown and Bobby Brown?  Hee hee.) I still feel for Bonnie Bell.  She’s brilliant in her lip gloss development.  Her best invention?  Dr. Pepper lip gloss.

That’s right, THERE’S LIP GLOSS THAT TASTES LIKE DR. PEPPER!

Why this isn’t featured on the runway, I will never know.

5.  Underwear

photo credit: arielkovic via photopin cc

photo credit: arielkovic via photopin cc

I watch enough Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model to know that most of these models stroll the runway sans undergarments.

If I stomped down the runway without my bra, I’d probably trip over my tits and land spread-eagle with my hoo-ha in the spotlight.

That’s not the kind of fashion statement I want to make.

6.  Food

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

I’m going out on a very sturdy limb here in saying there wasn’t much to munch on at Fashion Week other than cotton balls dipped in orange juice.

Maybe if they’d use Bonnie Bell Dr. Pepper lip gloss, they wouldn’t be so damn hungry.

I’m not sure what will come out of New York Fashion Week 2013, but I’m sure it won’t be any of the things I mentioned here.

This is one of those times I’d love to be wrong, but considering I’m never wrong, these predictions are a safe bet.

Now where are the brownies?

 

Source:  Kobi Levi http://kobilevidesign.com/index.php/footwear/miao.html

Source: Kobi Levi
http://kobilevidesign.com/index.php/footwear/miao.html

It’s no surprise I’m a dog lover.  The dog hair on my clothes and the faint smell of urine give that away fairly easily.

Yeah…the  urine smell is from the dogs…

Recently, one of my fellow dog-lovers shared a photo with me that I felt compelled to share with you.  Fortunately, my friend isn’t Anthony Weiner, so I can share the photo here instead of burying it in the back of my mind and seeking therapy immediately.

(Really Weiner?  You send dick pics and your name is Weiner?  If it wasn’t disgusting it could actually be kind of awesome.)

Okay, enough with the Weiner talk.  (That’s what she said.)

Seriously, guys.  Focus.

Here’s the non-perverted photo my friend shared with me.  Can you believe it? They’re shoes by designer Kobi Levi that look like a dog.

Sure, the dog is headless, but let’s not get too judgy about the accuracy of the shoes and why this is a headless hound.  I have way too many other things to be judgey about with these shoes.

Let’s get started.

http://kobilevidesign.com/index.php/footwear/miao.html

How long can this one hold the downward dog position?
http://kobilevidesign.com/index.php/footwear/
miao.html

First thing’s first, where do I get these fine furry friends?  Do I have to adopt them from a shelter or will I have to go to a breeder for them?

Quite honestly, they look high end, which suggests a breeder was involved in these sweet kicks.

Either way, these sure give new meaning to the phrase “designer dogs.”

If I adopt them, what do I do when I don’t want them anymore because they pee on the floor and chew up my underwear furniture?  Is my only option to put them down…literally?

Are they up-to-date on shots or do I have to pay for that separately?

What kind of care do these puppy pumps require?  Is food and water needed or just a good brushing every now and then?

Do they shed?  I can’t take another shedding dog in my house, so this furry footwear needs to be shed-free.

Is this one napping? http://kobilevidesign.com/index.php/footwear/miao.html

Is this one napping?
http://kobilevidesign.com/index.php/footwear/miao.html

I realize Kobi Levi designed these shoes, but do you think he sold the design to Hush Puppies?  Do you think that’s why the brand is called Hush Puppies?  Because these shoes don’t know how to keep the barking down to a minimum?

Perhaps these dogs literally bark when you wear them.  If so, that would give new meaning to the phrase “My dogs are barking.”

How will they react to the doorbell? Will they cower in a corner and pee on the floor, or will they howl until the intruder leaves the premises?

How will they react to other dogs?  Will they immediately sniff a dog’s crotch and then begin humping him or her?

Where exactly are the genitals located on these shoes?  How do I know if they’re male or female?  Are they spayed or neutered?

Judging by this photo, I’d say these shoes are girls, as I see no sagging fur balls hanging low.  Are the male version loafers for men?

Do these shoes make you randomly start humping people whenever the need arises?  If so, that could be an explanation for Kim Kardashian’s hoe-bag behavior.  The shoes did it!

Nah, she’s still a slut-bag.

Can you wear these shoes around cats or will they immediately get into a scuffle with any feline?

Will they randomly start chasing their tail? This is important information I need to know, as I already have enough challenges just walking normally without having my shoes break out into play.

Are they like most dogs and go crazy for bones?  If so, what kind?  Will they go crazy for the bones in my feet or are they looking for something more of the Nylabone variety?

Do they like to dig and bury bones?  If so, I’m in trouble, as they’re already in the position to start digging to retrieve my metatarsals.  Will they try to hide those or will they just gnaw on them until my feet are numb?

I guess if that’s the case, I can definitely say “These puppies are hurting my feet.”

Do these shoes know how to heel or do they also come in flats?  (Yes, this was a bad pun. I know.)

How do I protect them from wear and tear?  Do I give them a monthly flea dip?

Are these shoes trained to fetch the paper and my slippers on a Sunday morning, or will they stay in bed and hog the covers?

What do I do with them when I want to leave the house?  Do I have to put them in a kennel or will they be good and not tear up the house?

I have so many questions about these shoes, none of which are answered.  I guess I will never know unless I purchase a pair myself.  Either way, I suspect they all have perfect soles…just like most dogs do.

Puppy pumps

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As many of you already know, my husband has a way of unintentionally being funny.  From his random observations about nature to his comments on the woman buying melons at the store, he has a way of cracking me up without even trying.

It’s not that he’s trying to be ironic or humorous.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  Especially him, as he’s far too busy figuring out which Chuck Taylors will go with his outfit, or if his t-shirt needs a second ironing.  (It usually doesn’t…but it usually gets one anyway.)

recently posted a few of the random things Matt said that made me laugh.  Since you guys share my sense of humor and love of mocking my husband, I decided to grace you with another post with more of my dear husband’s observations/statements.  They’re real gems.

1.  Mr. Miranda

Me:  “If a cop stops you and tries to detain you, what do you say?

Matt: “Am I under arrest?…..And then follow it up with ‘you can suck a dick.’ They like it when you assert authority.

002

2.  Weathering the storm

Matt:  “It’s really cold! I’m going to go buy a hoodie.

Me:  “You’re wearing a hoodie.”

Matt:  “I need a second hoodie to reinforce this hoodie.

3.  Silent Stalker (said while we were at a movie premiere at South by Southwest)

Matt:  “Olivia Wilde is going to be here. I need to find her.”

Me:  “She’s engaged now.

Matt:  “I prefer not to discuss it.” 

Me:  “You’re married.

Matt:  “I fail to see your point.” 

4.  A man with standards (observation about one of his friends)

Matt:  “I’m really glad Jordan doesn’t chew tobacco.”

Me:  “Why?”

Matt:  “It would really put a damper on our friendship.

5.  Mr. G.Q.  (I heard this outburst from him in the morning from the other room.) 

Matt:  “Crap! I put my underwear on wrong side out. That’s, that’s not how you want to start your day.”

standing up at spa

6.  Dr. Doom  (said when referencing Kevin Ware’s broken leg)

Matt:  “That guy had a bad broken leg. He’s never gonna dance again.”

________________________________________________________________

I know.  He’s ridiculous, but he’s my kind of ridiculous, and these little nuggets of wisdom are sometimes the only thing that keeps our marriage going.

Oh, that and he always unloads the dishwasher.

SPANXFor any woman who is larger than a size 6, there is most likely an outfit or dress that doesn’t display her figure as flattering as she would like.

For any woman who is smaller than a size 6…you can suck it, and I’m pretty sure we aren’t friends.

Fortunately, for those of us in the former category, the geniuses at Spanx created a product that allows women to put on undergarments of wonder, and give the illusion they are thinner than they actually are.

Normally, I’m not a fan of Spanx for a variety of reasons, the most important being that I am a fan of breathing and prefer to do it on a regular basis.

However, every now and again, a situation comes along that calls for Spanx.

Recently I had such an occasion.  I presented at a seminar and wanted to wear a sassy dress to deter the attendees from what was most likely going to be extremely boring presentation.

Tragically, the sassy dress I wanted to wear didn’t flatter my stomach the way I would have liked.

You see, I have a bit of a food obsession, and my love of food extends to all things fried and anything made by Hostess.  Please also see my other posts about my love affair with Chipotle.

I knew if I didn’t want to gross out my audience with fat rolls made of beans and rice, I needed to purchase a new pair of Spanx.

I headed to Target to make the purchase.  Normally, I buy Spanx at Saks, but the uptight saleswomen there tend to judge me and my $10 purse from Charming Charlies. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with those women and their plastic faces.

Although most of them lack the ability to make any facial expressions because of their Botox injections, I can still feel them judging me with their eyes…that, and the fact I was once mistaken for the cleaning lady.

I was asked to only enter the store from the rear to avoid detection from the other patrons.  Now it’s the only entrance I use.

I went into Target, avoiding the strong urge to grab a pretzel and some nachos from the snack shop, and headed straight for the lingerie section where I saw several packages that looked like this:

Spanx

What the hell kind of marketing ploy was this?  Was Spanx serious? What amazing marketing mind brought this photo to the packaging designers and said “This drawing by my third grader of some naked chicks is really going to sell this product“?

I mean, I know me and my best black friend and Asian friend like to hang out wearing only Spanx and high heels, all the while throwing our hands in the air like we don’t care, smiling like idiots; but that’s only for the lucky people who answer our Craigslist “massage” ads.

What was this design?  Were these women wearing shirts or bras or were they just naked on top?  If so, where were their nipples?

What are the chances of three women being friends that don’t have nipples?  Maybe they met at a support group called Nipple-less ‘nonymous.  (I’m not aware of such a group, but I suspect at the meetings they drink out of bottles with huge nipples.)

Okay, back to the packaging.  You need to focus.

skinny woman in whiteWhat exactly was this drawing on the package supposed to suggest?  As much as I would have liked to analyze this further, I couldn’t as I was on a time crunch.

I hastily purchased the Spanx, along with a choice Hostess snack, and headed home to get ready.  Unfortunately, I didn’t realize I would spend the next 10 minutes engaged in a ferocious battle. I definitely didn’t realize who the battle would be with.

When I arrived home, I opened the package and pulled out the coveted product.  It looked like nude biker shorts for a very disproportionate person with tiny legs and a midsection the approximate length of a serpent.

I didn’t have time to waste so I immediately began putting them on…or trying to.

For those of you familiar with Spanx, you know that once the Spanx go on, they suck in your fat with such force that you feel like the top of your body is going to be propelled into space like a rocket ship. 

These undergarments are a launching pad for your midsection and believe it or not, that doesn’t make for a comfortable fit.I spent the next 10 minutes engaged in near deadly combat with nylon and lycra.  They were formidable opponents.

battleI literally fought the battle of the bulge as I grunted, cussed and tried to pull the material up.

After several f-bombs, I was ultimately successful in getting the Spanx into place, and breathed a sigh of relief…or tried to, but the constriction of my rib cage by this devil-product made that impossible.

Despite these new NASA qualifications, I was upset because I didn’t look nearly as good as the sketches on the package.

I had the biker-type shorts pulled up to my bra just as instructed.  I suspected it was my stance, so I tried out the rocking poses as advertised on the package.  However, I struggled to get my hands up over my head, so I decided to move on.

I put on my dress and surveyed the results.  Not too bad.  I really did look 10 pounds thinner, although my face aged 10 years from the battle.

I headed to work, but was incredibly uncomfortable the entire morning.  Normally, I drink a bottle of water and a caffeinated beverage of choice in the morning, but I didn’t drink either because I was petrified of going to the bathroom and removing the Spanx.

I knew I would never get them back on without a bite stick and a vat of Crisco.

little girl with arms upBy mid-afternoon I was so dehydrated I was beginning to get dizzy, which didn’t make for a good mood.  As I attempted to prepare for my presentation, I realized not one person commented that I looked thinner.

Was I really so big that the apparent loss of 10 pounds was just a drop in the bucket?

Was the restriction of my rib cage and the crushing of my thighs worth the misery I was experiencing?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t like what Spanx were doing to me.

True, I may have looked thinner (although if I did, no one noticed), but I didn’t like the way they adversely affected my mood.

So, just before going on for my presentation, I went to the bathroom and peeled the torture chamber off my body.

Words cannot describe the sweet relief I felt as my fat rolls dropped a foot and a half down to their normal location.  I felt like myself…fat rolls and all…and that was just fine with me.

I then celebrated my victory over the Spanx with a deep breath (my first one of the day), and a chocolate chip cookie…or two…

Not me, although this guy could use some Spanx.
Having a fabulous time on Oscar
night. Please disregard the purple
sock monkey dressed like Dracula
that’s on the floor. He was NOT
my date.

The Oscars were last week, and I’m sure you all watched, hoping for a glimpse at this year’s new fashion trends (and maybe a nip slip or two).  I also watched the Oscars, but mostly because we hosted an Oscar party and the only way it was socially acceptable to continually eat buffalo cheese dip was to sit in front of the TV and act interested.  I survived by making fun of celebrities and their outfits, all the while hoping someone would embarrass themselves. 

The night was a success as Meryl Streep picked her butt in front of millions of people and I swear she sniffed her hand afterward, although this assertion can’t be confirmed on the playback.  Kristin Stewart looked irritable and stoned, which was expected but totally fun to watch.   Jennifer Lawrence also bit it while walking up the steps to accept her award, which made me feel bad for her until I realized it gave me Oscar bingo.

Sorry Jennifer Lawrence.  I didn’t want to point out your fall in this post, but my win entitled me to a coupon for a free taco from Hardee’s, so I was happy you skinned your knee. And don’t worry about it.  No one saw you fall.  TRUST me.

It’s been a week and because I’m super busy and important, I’m just now getting around to writing my blog post about what was worn on Oscar night.  Get off my back.  You know you loved letting the suspense build.  Wait no more!

By now you’ve realized photos of what I wore on Oscar night are missing from all the paparazzi shots in the tabloids.  I know you’ve been dying to know what I wore on Oscar night, and since I don’t want you to stop breathing, I will reveal that information now.  (Seriously.  I need all four of you to stay alive so someone actually reads this blog.)

1.  Pants = Jeans.  Designer = Dressbarn

Yeah, that’s right.  Those jeans are legit and from Dressbarn circa 2009.  You’re probably asking yourself “Dressbarn?  Where’s that?  I bet it’s a totally exclusive shop that’s ridiculously expensive and only celebrities have access to it.”

I can see where you would get that impression, but I’m happy to say it isn’t the case.  Dressbarns are located all over the United States, typically in run down strip malls in dangerous parts of town right next to either a closed Old Country Buffet or a partially burned down Ryan’s Steakhouse.  It’s also the same place you take your grandma to buy her support hose and girdle.  It smells like moth balls and Altoids.  Ringing a bell?  Check out their jeans next time granny needs a support bra.

2.  Top = striped sweater.  Designer = JC Penny

This is because I knew you would
demand an over-the-shoulder shot.
Please note my bodyguard is not amused.

Yes, I sprung big for a name-brand department store for my top.  I knew I would be photographed from head to toe, but I really wanted my sweater to to pop for the cameras.  I think we can agree it did.  We can also agree that I should never wear horizontal stripes again, as it makes my stomach look like it’s filled with a pound of buffalo chicken dip.  Wait…I think it was.

3.  Under the sweater = black tank top.  Designer = Casual Corner

“But Lisa, Casual Corner went out of business in 2003.  How could you possibly wear a Casual Corner piece?”  Um, it’s vintage.  Be jealous.  It looks amazing and you know it.

4.  Hair piece = black piece of elastic.  Designer = Goody

I might be lying about the designer, but it isn’t intentional.  I know Goody is a brand of hair products, but I’m not sure if that’s the designer who made my sweet headband.  What I know for sure is that I found this headband about five minutes before our guests arrived.  It was shoved in the bottom of a basket in our hall closet waiting for a special occasion like the Oscars.  I’m pretty sure I used it to keep the chips bag closed before it landed in the closet.

5.  Jewelry = Pearl Necklace.  Designer = K’s Jewelry

For all you perverts out there, this is an actual pearl necklace.  It was given to me by a high school boyfriend.  I would like to say it’s real, but I suspect it’s fake and the money intended for the purchase of jewelry was squandered away on cheap whiskey and soft core porn.  Either way, I still like the necklace and if I sniff closely, I can smell the faint aroma of Swisher Sweets.

So there you have it!  Wonder no more about what designer clothes I sported on Oscar night.  I suspect there will be a run on all of these items now that I’ve spilled the beans on my outfit selection.  Interestingly, I also literally spilled the beans at our party…which is why that sweet plastic tablecloth is on the serving table in the background.  Hey, at least it’s better than cutting the cheese.

I totally did that too.

What designers were worn on

canstock3884185.jpg

I’m naturally a blonde.  Yes, it’s true.  Is that hard to believe?  Wait, don’t answer that.  I suppose with all my embarrassing moments, it’s not at all strange to think I’m a natural blonde.  (Insert your favorite blonde joke here.)

I really am a natural blonde, though.  I don’t mean I’m one of those people who says “This color? It’s natural”  while the black roots are screaming “She’s a liar!  She douses us with bleach and peroxide once a month.  She also smokes and hides it from her husband!”  Okay, maybe that last part wasn’t true, or at least I hope it wasn’t true, because dousing yourself in flammable products and then smoking is never a good idea.

Since I’ve been a blonde all my life, I’ve always wondered that age old question…Is Marilyn Mason really that nerdy kid from The Wonder Years?  I’m not entirely convinced, but some compelling evidence does exist.  Isn’t that what you were thinking I would say?

In addition to that burning question about Fred Savage’s BFF, I’ve also wondered if it would be fun to have a different hair color.  I’ve been attempting to go darker for some time, but my hairdresser, who happens to be my friend Scissorhands (not her real name), hasn’t allowed me to make a drastic color move.

I find this interesting because she pushes hard for other drastic moves in my life, like taking vitamins, or wearing a bra to the store.  Apparently that’s something I should do every time I go.  Pfft!  According to Scissorhands, we can’t do a drastic color change quickly because it will damage my hair and cause it to fall out.  Whatever.  She just likes torturing me.

I recently went in for my regular color and she informed me we were making the final move to the dark side…of the color wheel.  We were experiencing a code red in the best of ways!  We were putting up the red light to my blonde hair. (Okay, that last joke wasn’t my best work, but they can’t all be winners.)

After several minutes of these amazingly hilarious jokes about the color red, Scissorhands became red with anger (last one, I promise!) and said we needed to get to dying.  Wait.  Get to dying my hair.  Not to actually dying.  She wouldn’t be my friend if she told me I needed to get to dying.  She would be an a-hole if she said that; and she definitely wouldn’t get a good tip.

Scissorhands concocted the formula in the back of the salon, which I imagine was mixed in a witch’s cauldron with steam rising from it. I pictured her mixing it with a large stick and then scooping some out for my hair.  Obviously, when she’s in the back room, Scissorhands turns into the evil witch from Snow White.

We began the coloring process, which basically means I sat there and made random comments and observations while she covered my hair in dye and only half pretended to listen to my ramblings.  She’s a really good friend that way.

She told me we needed to dye my eyebrows as well if we wanted to make this look complete.  I didn’t want to trust her because she’d made fashion suggestions to me before that didn’t turn out quite right.?

One time she was all “You should totally wear leopard-print tights under your black dress.”  I did, and let’s just say in a dimly lit room, leopard-print tights look remarkably like scabs on one’s legs.  It makes for an awkward night of no interaction.  No one wants to talk to the scabby girl in the corner who slams vodka  and smells like farts.

Despite my hesitation, I let her put the dye on my eyebrows, and when I looked in the mirror, this is what I saw:

scary hair color
 

Scary, right?  I look like a fricking evil villain from a cartoon.  I could be a character on The Simpsons with this face.  I look ridiculous and scary, and I clearly need to hit a tanning bed every now and then.

However, it got me thinking that maybe this was my alternate persona.  I could be Poison Ivy, a superhero gone bad.  My superpower?  I would give STDs to those people who deserved them most!

*Granted, I suspect many of the people I would like to inflict with a social disease are probably already suffering from itchiness and redness in the nether regions, so this power may be redundant.*

final productAnd just to be clear, I don’t actually HAVE an STD.  Geez, people.  I would have it in a stick that I would slap people with, and they would immediately become infected.  It would be my “STD stick” and I would use it for good, not evil.

I would slap annoying people that could use a trip to the doctor and a healthy dose of Penicillin; like Justin Bieber, and everyone on “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette.”  (Like they don’t already have something anyway…)

Don’t worry all you readers out there who have done me wrong and are now fastening your jock strap for extra protection.  I would only pass out non-life threatening conditions, because I’m not a total a-hole (despite how you’ve been to me).  However, I would absolutely attack with a mean case of genital warts right before a beach vacation.

But hey, maybe if you would have been a little nicer to me and not shot me daggers with your eyes every time you walked by me, you’d be wearing a bikini instead of the swim dress you’re now sporting to hide the infestation in your crotch.

So to anyone who is mean to me, or has been mean to me in the last 5 years, beware.  (I’m only going back 5 years because I don’t hold grudges and I don’t have a great memory.)  I hope you all have a trusted primary care physician and a great insurance plan, as I plan to send my enemies to the pharmacy quite regularly with this new power.

Karma’s a bitch, and so is chlamydia (or at least that’s what I hear.)