Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com -Yesterday Matt and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. And by “celebrated” I mean we took a nap after work, went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall Thai place, watched “Game of Thrones” and were in bed by 9:30.

What? That’s not what you were thinking was a perfect way to celebrate a 5th year of marital bliss?

So I assume you will forgive me for being a day late on what is clearly my readers’ favorite blog post of the month. Last month was definitely my favorite but Matt said some real gems this month too. He’s really out doing himself.

I won’t make you read my words anymore and will just get you to the crack that is this monthly column. Enjoy!

Supportive Husband

Lisa:  “I need to go to the gym. I need you to make me go to the gym whenever you go.”
Matt:  “Ok.”
Lisa:  “I mean it. Don’t make me go, but–
Matt:  “Sweetie, I understand the fine line I’m walking here.”

Music Fanatic

Lisa:  “That song is catchy.”
Matt:  “Yeah.  Like Goddamned syphilis.”

photo 3Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “I’m going to turn off the light. Can you use a book light to read?”
Lisa:  “Um. Ok.”
Matt:  “I don’t want to resent you if you leave it on, but this light hurts my eyes.”

Multi-tasker

Matt:  “There’s just not enough hours in the day…to get in all the sleep I want.”

Health Nut

Matt:  “We need to eat more legumes.”
Lisa:  “You don’t like them. It’s beans and stuff.”
Matt:  “I like some of them. I like jelly legumes.”

Attention to detail

Lisa:  “Did you see I finally framed that photo and put it up?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I noticed it yesterday but didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how long it had been up.”

Manly Man

Lisa:  “Why don’t you use that Caress body wash in the shower?”
Matt:  “I don’t think Caress can handle my body odor. I sweat like a man.”

photo 2Articulate

Matt:  “Where are the things and the stuff?”

Neat freak

Lisa:  “What’s with this stain on the floor?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I tried to clean it. I didn’t try that hard.”

Party Pooper

Matt:  <he says out of nowhere> “You know what I was never a fan of?”
Lisa:  “What?”
Matt:  “The hokey pokey. I just didn’t see what all the hype was about.”

Friend To All

Lisa:  “…and that’s why people like her.”
Matt:  “What?! People love me! I mean, except for that bitch.”

Pillow Talker

Matt:  “We have to get up. If I lay here much longer I’m going to fall asleep.
Lisa:  “Our stimulating conversation can’t keep you awake?”
Matt:  “No, it won’t.”

Lisa and Matt date nightAttention To Detail

Matt:  “Ah! I have dried shaving cream in my ear. Ah! It’s in my other ear. That’s not good. I had meetings today!”

Martyr

Lisa:  <after explaining why he has to use both body wash and soap>  “It’s exhausting being you isn’t it?”
Matt:  “Yeah. Why do you think I’m tired all the time?”

Excellent Coworker

Matt:  “I have to bring a rotisserie to a potluck tomorrow.”
Lisa:  “Thanks for not offering me to make a ham like you did last time. It’s a lot of work.”
Matt:  “How would you know? You never made it.”

Friend of Fashion

Matt:  “You have a stain on your shirt.”
Lisa:  “Really? Is it noticeable?”
Matt:  “Not more than your other shirts.”

Honest Spouse

Lisa:  <Hears a smash in the basement.> “Did I just hear something break?”
Matt:  <Coming from the sound of the smash>  “No.  Hey, did you break this vase down here?”

Modest

Matt:  “It takes a lot to keep up with this beauty.  Some might think it’s easy, but it takes work.”

weddingLover of Children (But Not In A Creepy Way)

Matt:  “That kid has been playing by himself for two hours. It’s sad as shit.”

Considerate of Others’ Problems

Lisa:  “I’m still mad at you for throwing out those flowerpots.”
Matt:  “Sounds like a YP and not a MP.”
Lisa:  “What’s that?”
Matt:  “A ‘your problem’ not ‘my problem.'”

photo 1 (3)Accepting of Others

Matt:  “I didn’t know you were running for judicial office……Miss Judgey.”

Frugal Shopper

Lisa:  “If I had a truck I would pick up so much free stuff from Craigslist.”
Matt:  “You don’t need to buy a bunch of stuff.
Lisa:  “I wouldn’t buy it. It would be free.”
Matt:  “I know. I didn’t say ‘buy.'”
Lisa:   “Yes you did. You said ‘buy.'”
Matt:  “I’m saying ‘bye’ to this conversation.”

All joking aside, happiest of anniversaries to my beloved husband.  I really do adore him!

Which was your favorite?

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Other places I’m on the web this week!

9 Things Your Husband Does That Should Be Sexy But Totally Aren’t

8 Ridiculously Petty (And Funny) Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

Woohoo!  The 10 Stages of Getting Wedding Drunk (As Told Through Funny Gifs)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends (But Never Her Husband) 

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

NOT my husband.

NOT my husband.

My husband is a bit of a nerd. Not like a Steve Urkel nerd with the annoying voice and the moose knuckle that almost certainly guarantees he won’t be capable of producing children.

He’s more of the Ronald Miller kind of nerd from Can’t Buy Me Love. He’s adorable and people love him, although he doesn’t cry at New Year’s Eve parties and only sleeps in the shed when he’s drunk.

So please understand, as I’ve come to, that some of the things my husband does can be a bit strange to someone else, but in his world, they are completely normal.

Getting up early to watch the Oscar nominations and then yell at the TV when you don’t like the nominations is normal, right?

The other day I received a call from my lovely groom advising me that he was sitting at a Quik Trip parking lot approximately 4 miles away from our house waiting to meet a girl. WHAT?! Was he waiting to meet a hooker?

dog on computerI wasn’t so much upset about the possible infidelity as I was the cost of the excursion. He better not be hooking it up with the cash I could be using to buy myself some Chipotle and a bottle of Grey Goose.

Come on. I have priorities.

I asked him why he was meeting a girl and why he was in the Quik Trip parking lot, although I certainly understand the appeal of that place. Their corn dogs are delicious.

He said he looked on Craigslist for used books and found a book he wanted to buy. Naturally, I assumed the “book” was really DVDs of p0rn, but I decided to play along. Sure. You spent your lunch hour looking for used books on line. <wink, wink>

And I spent my lunch hour doing squats at the gym instead of harassing the waiter at Chilis’s for yet another round of bottomless chips and salsa. How gullible did he think I was?

He said it was a female who agreed to sell him the “book” and he was meeting her there to proceed with the transaction. I inquired as to how much this little endeavor was going to set us back, and he responded that it was only $40.00.

Um, “only $40.00” for a “book”? I considered telling him to abandon that plan, get a year’s subscription to Playboy and come home, with a slushy from Quik Trip in hand. I’m only human.

I told him he was probably being set up to be robbed, and he was a total sucker. I immediately regretted not increasing my life insurance policy on him. I guess I had to hope he pulled through the mugging.

jar of moneyHe told me that he didn’t think he was going to be robbed at a well-lit Quik Trip, and he figured the girl probably thought he was there to rape her, so they were even. I’m not sure how attempted robbery + attempted rape = nothing, but perhaps I will ask R. Kelly, as I’m sure he will have an answer.

I told him I would need constant updates from him on his whereabouts, so at least if he got shot, I could respond immediately. I watch House, so I know how to respond in moments of crisis…with Vicodin.

He rolled his eyes and said he would keep me updated.  I realize I didn’t see him roll his eyes, but I’m quite confident at the minimum he rolled his eyes. I suspect hand gestures were also involved.

I waited a few minutes and then began texting him ridiculous things about how I didn’t want him to get gang raped, or how he should try to convince the perpetrators to be gentle. He didn’t respond, probably because he was laughing too hard at my witty texts.

A few minutes later I received a call from his phone. Naturally, I assumed it was his assaulter looking for money. I answered in my strongest voice, and I heard him on the other end. Great. They were holding him hostage…and he had our $40.00 in cash! What was a girl to do?

I asked him if the assailants were treating him well, and he said he was fine, the transaction was completed and he was heading home. I told him I didn’t understand his statement, as I was waiting for the preferred lingo like “the wolf has left the building” or “barter complete.” (I like old school terms).

He told me he was coming home and abruptly ended the call. When he arrived home I looked for his “book” and discovered it was a textbook about film and movies. What?!

He didn’t really buy a textbook from someone at a Quik Trip did he? I asked if that was the book he purchased, and he said it was. His excitement was less than thrilling for me, as I realized I may have preferred the purchase of p0rn.Nerd alert!I asked him how the deal went down, and he said she exited her vehicle, which was covered in Hello Kitty stickers, and came to his car.

She handed him the book and he handed her the money. I asked if he flipped through it to make sure it was legit, but he said he trusted her. Whatever.

He said the girl asked him “So, which teacher do you have this semester for this class?” to which my lovely husband replied

Oh, I’m not taking this class. I just bought this book for fun.”

He said her reaction was a mixture of confusion and sadness, and I’m pretty sure at that point she assumed she was going to be assaulted by my husband only to have her fingernails removed and fed to her cat.

She practically ran back to her car and screeched away, her Miley Cyrus t-shirt flapping as she ran.

I took one look at my husband in his shirt and tie and realized there are worse things in life than having a husband who can be on the nerdy side.

That poor guy has to deal with my disasters on a daily basis, so what did I care if he wanted to read a textbook for fun? I kissed him on the cheek and told him I was happy he got what he wanted.

He responded with pure joy and said he found another post where the seller had not only the textbook, but the workbook and quizzes as well. It was going to be a long night….