I’m not sure why people think Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but I’ll go with it. It’s an excuse to go to a bunch of holiday parties and stuff copious amounts of desserts from the buffet in my purse.
Don’t think I also don’t do that with liquor. I totally do. A flask works nicely to accomplish that task and it’s unassuming when shoved inside your coat pocket.
I know you’ve been fretting about the holidays and what you should buy your favorite blogger.
Me, a-hole. I’m talking about me.
Because I’m so selfless, I’m going to tell you all the things you should buy me. I’m so caring like that.
Before I give you my list, you’re probably wondering what I’m going to give you in return.
Um, this blog isn’t enough? A few times a week I write random posts about absolutely nothing. Isn’t that enough?
It should be.
Without further babbling, here’s a few things I’m
demanding requesting for Christmas. Note: You don’t have to get just one thing.
Go crazy and get the whole list. The joy it will bring me will be worth it.
A book deal
Yeah, I’m shocked I don’t have a book deal either. It isn’t for lack of trying. I’ve been writing sub-par content for two years now. You’d think publishers and book agents would be knocking down my door.
If book agents and publishers are pretending to be people putting Chinese take-out menus on my door, then they’re definitely knocking down my door. Otherwise, not so much.
Pajama work pants
Why can’t I dress up yet still be comfortable? They’ve somehow managed to do this with jeans yet I can’t get a pair of wool blend pants that don’t dig into my belly button?
Someone needs to make that happen. That someone is you.
This is a no-brainer and I’m sure you’ve already purchased this for me. Good work. Now go buy another bottle for me. You know one won’t be enough.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups eggs
Yeah, it’s Christmas. I know, but that’s why I want these eggs so badly.
A sweater for Jerry and his Gangsta Gnome Boyz
As you know, I have a gang of gnomes protecting my house and running illegal activities from behind my hydrangia bushes. It’s the middle of winter now and those thugs are cold.
Wow. I just asked for something that wasn’t even for me. I’m so thoughtful. This is yet another reason you should get me everything I want on my list.
What are you waiting for? Get on it.
Until then, I will continue to entertain you with my antics. Isn’t that the best gift of all?