Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com -Yesterday Matt and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. And by “celebrated” I mean we took a nap after work, went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall Thai place, watched “Game of Thrones” and were in bed by 9:30.

What? That’s not what you were thinking was a perfect way to celebrate a 5th year of marital bliss?

So I assume you will forgive me for being a day late on what is clearly my readers’ favorite blog post of the month. Last month was definitely my favorite but Matt said some real gems this month too. He’s really out doing himself.

I won’t make you read my words anymore and will just get you to the crack that is this monthly column. Enjoy!

Supportive Husband

Lisa:  “I need to go to the gym. I need you to make me go to the gym whenever you go.”
Matt:  “Ok.”
Lisa:  “I mean it. Don’t make me go, but–
Matt:  “Sweetie, I understand the fine line I’m walking here.”

Music Fanatic

Lisa:  “That song is catchy.”
Matt:  “Yeah.  Like Goddamned syphilis.”

photo 3Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “I’m going to turn off the light. Can you use a book light to read?”
Lisa:  “Um. Ok.”
Matt:  “I don’t want to resent you if you leave it on, but this light hurts my eyes.”

Multi-tasker

Matt:  “There’s just not enough hours in the day…to get in all the sleep I want.”

Health Nut

Matt:  “We need to eat more legumes.”
Lisa:  “You don’t like them. It’s beans and stuff.”
Matt:  “I like some of them. I like jelly legumes.”

Attention to detail

Lisa:  “Did you see I finally framed that photo and put it up?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I noticed it yesterday but didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how long it had been up.”

Manly Man

Lisa:  “Why don’t you use that Caress body wash in the shower?”
Matt:  “I don’t think Caress can handle my body odor. I sweat like a man.”

photo 2Articulate

Matt:  “Where are the things and the stuff?”

Neat freak

Lisa:  “What’s with this stain on the floor?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I tried to clean it. I didn’t try that hard.”

Party Pooper

Matt:  <he says out of nowhere> “You know what I was never a fan of?”
Lisa:  “What?”
Matt:  “The hokey pokey. I just didn’t see what all the hype was about.”

Friend To All

Lisa:  “…and that’s why people like her.”
Matt:  “What?! People love me! I mean, except for that bitch.”

Pillow Talker

Matt:  “We have to get up. If I lay here much longer I’m going to fall asleep.
Lisa:  “Our stimulating conversation can’t keep you awake?”
Matt:  “No, it won’t.”

Lisa and Matt date nightAttention To Detail

Matt:  “Ah! I have dried shaving cream in my ear. Ah! It’s in my other ear. That’s not good. I had meetings today!”

Martyr

Lisa:  <after explaining why he has to use both body wash and soap>  “It’s exhausting being you isn’t it?”
Matt:  “Yeah. Why do you think I’m tired all the time?”

Excellent Coworker

Matt:  “I have to bring a rotisserie to a potluck tomorrow.”
Lisa:  “Thanks for not offering me to make a ham like you did last time. It’s a lot of work.”
Matt:  “How would you know? You never made it.”

Friend of Fashion

Matt:  “You have a stain on your shirt.”
Lisa:  “Really? Is it noticeable?”
Matt:  “Not more than your other shirts.”

Honest Spouse

Lisa:  <Hears a smash in the basement.> “Did I just hear something break?”
Matt:  <Coming from the sound of the smash>  “No.  Hey, did you break this vase down here?”

Modest

Matt:  “It takes a lot to keep up with this beauty.  Some might think it’s easy, but it takes work.”

weddingLover of Children (But Not In A Creepy Way)

Matt:  “That kid has been playing by himself for two hours. It’s sad as shit.”

Considerate of Others’ Problems

Lisa:  “I’m still mad at you for throwing out those flowerpots.”
Matt:  “Sounds like a YP and not a MP.”
Lisa:  “What’s that?”
Matt:  “A ‘your problem’ not ‘my problem.'”

photo 1 (3)Accepting of Others

Matt:  “I didn’t know you were running for judicial office……Miss Judgey.”

Frugal Shopper

Lisa:  “If I had a truck I would pick up so much free stuff from Craigslist.”
Matt:  “You don’t need to buy a bunch of stuff.
Lisa:  “I wouldn’t buy it. It would be free.”
Matt:  “I know. I didn’t say ‘buy.'”
Lisa:   “Yes you did. You said ‘buy.'”
Matt:  “I’m saying ‘bye’ to this conversation.”

All joking aside, happiest of anniversaries to my beloved husband.  I really do adore him!

Which was your favorite?

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Other places I’m on the web this week!

9 Things Your Husband Does That Should Be Sexy But Totally Aren’t

8 Ridiculously Petty (And Funny) Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

Woohoo!  The 10 Stages of Getting Wedding Drunk (As Told Through Funny Gifs)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends (But Never Her Husband) 

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

PerspectiveI rarely cry. I’m not kidding.  I probably break down in tears 2 or 3 times a year.  I’ve just never been one to cry (probably because I’m an ugly crier). Granted, I avoid sad movies and that horrible Sarah McLachlan commercial with the sad animals, but still. I rarely cry.

As you may know, I’ve had some health issues for about a year and a half and for some reason they continue. I’m not sure if it’s because the universe thinks I can take it, or if this is its way of bitch-slapping me.

It’s probably 50/50.

I take a positive approach to everything and have tried to take this on the chin, but it’s getting kind of difficult. I feel crappy all the time and feel like I’m losing a sense of myself because I’m usually a zombie from the medicines. Lately I’ve felt like if I could cry, I might feel better, but then again, I can’t cry.  (See above.)

So today I was feeling especially miserable so I emailed my husband.  I didn’t want to talk but wanted to touch base with him as we normally do throughout the day. I told him I was frustrated.

And then he sent me the most perfect email that changed everything.  He told me he loved our perfect marriage and our life together, and he told me to watch this.

And just like that, I began to cry. No, I began to wail like a baby.

Every negative thought I had about anything just drifted away. I was laying in bed watching this with Shady Jack at my side staring at me, Max at my feet and Bentley licking my tears away. I thought about how my husband was so thoughtful to say that this song reminded him of me and that he knew I needed this. I needed to cry. I needed to be reminded that things aren’t really that bad.

All of a sudden I realized that my life is amazing. Not because I have a huge house or an enormous diamond (because I don’t).  But because I have so many things that are invaluable to me. My dogs, my sweet niece, and my amazing husband. What else did I need?

I realized that what I really needed wasn’t necessarily to cry, but to gain some perspective. The universe wasn’t bitch-slapping me to be mean–it was bitch-slapping me because I needed it. I needed to focus on what’s really important in life. Somehow I got lost along the way worrying about paying the bills and when I’ll be able to return to work.

Yes, those things matter but they don’t matter as much as the love that surrounds me. That’s the real joy and that’s what life is all about.

My mom always says “The best things in life aren’t things.” I’ve always tried to live by that motto, but it’s good to be reminded of it every now and then.

So take a look around you. Not at what you physically have, but at the love that surrounds you. I bet you take it for granted.  I know I did.  But don’t.

There is nothing more important or precious than those you love, and that should be what gets you through those hard times. It isn’t money to pay the bills or having the newest gadget. It’s who makes you feel good about yourself and who supports you no matter what.

I’m so thankful for the bitch-slap. I needed it. Hopefully this post will bitch-slap you too.


 

Other Places I’m On The Web This Week!

8 Ridiculously Petty Fights My Husband And I Actually Had (with funny gifs!)

10 “Wierd” Things That Couples Do That Are Actually Totally Normal

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

 

Life Lessons Learned From A Christmas StoryOne of my favorite things about the Christmas holiday is the 24-hour marathon of  A Christmas Story that plays every year on TBS.  Other favorites include bourbon and vodka, but then again, that’s just a Tuesday night at the Newlin household.

I love the Christmas season because it makes it completely acceptable to drink before noon…in my jammies…while noshing on three different kinds of cookies…and watching A Christmas Story, which brings us full circle.

I’ve been watching A Christmas Story for more than a decade and every time I watch it I learn something new.  For instance, I now know that having your Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant is completely acceptable, so long as you don’t order the duck.

I also know that the Bumpkisses are the worst neighbors ever and they really need to feed their dogs more regularly.

I’ve also learned that the ominious threat of “Not a finger!” makes no sense, yet is somehow terrifying when said in a serious tone.

Because it’s that time of year again and we’re all going to binge on our favorite Christmas movie, while eating turkey of course, I thought I would lay out some of the life lessons we’ve learned from Ralphie and his family.

I did the lessons in Gifs because it’s funnier that way and it means I don’t have to write anything after each point, which is also a bonus.

Enjoy the lessons and enjoy watching A Christmas Story at least 5 times this season.  Anything less is simply unpatriotic.

“Not a finger!”

1.  Soap is poisonous if ingested.  It will cause blindness.


http://giphy.com/gifs/funny-80s-old-9SDgfBmYoYUBa

2.  Never give in to peer pressure.


http://giphy.com/gifs/maudit-photoset-maudit-request-PnBq0TolVdhrG

3.  It’s important to get bundled up for the cold.


http://giphy.com/gifs/movie-christmas-winter-11wCtXuvBwoJEY

4.  It’s never too early to start thinking about Easter.


http://giphy.com/gifs/a-christmas-story-30-day-movie-challenge-love-hate-relationship-J172BU0HiKuOs

5.  Ovaltine is one big scam.


http://giphy.com/gifs/transparent-a-christmas-story-13fxOgypGqLdM4

6.  Santa Claus is not nice to the naughty.


http://giphy.com/gifs/a-christmas-story-30-day-movie-challenge-love-hate-relationship-jdaleXLrjjbqg

7.  Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to get your kid to eat.


http://giphy.com/gifs/funny-80s-old-aMO0ZRXuWAGm4

8.  Super glue actually can’t fix everything.


http://giphy.com/gifs/a-christmas-story-the-flintstones-leg-lamp-10UFbWsPdaHKww

9.  Icicles can be very dangerous.


http://giphy.com/gifs/a-christmas-story-peter-billingsley-movie-classics-1mUONUzCUuJbi

10.  A Red Rider BB Gun really will shoot your eye out.


http://giphy.com/gifs/movie-cute-christmas-5zQVnliKItfji

11.  Major Awards are best when they’re Italian.


http://giphy.com/gifs/christmas-boho-a-story-N9bIdFOs3JV3q

12. Never back down from a triple dog dare.


http://giphy.com/gifs/funny-80s-old-TS8UUuamtQpfa

13. The f— word is THE word.


http://giphy.com/gifs/funny-80s-old-wYYOkSOhVq0g0

CuddlyChristmasHopefully by now you’re decorated for the holidays.  Hopefully for you, your neighbors have limited the amount of inflatable snowmen they’ve put on their front lawn.  I didn’t bode so well despite my pleas that nothing really says the holidays quite like no decorations on the outside and listening to Metallica at a reasonable volume.

Again, I didn’t bode well.

We put up a Christmas tree for the holidays, although I’m not sure why since we have approximately 2 square feet of extra space in our house and shoving a fake tree with lights and a sh*t ton of balls on it doesn’t seem like a good use of space.  But I digress.

Every year we put up our tree and I always wonder what our dogs think of it.  However, I’m pretty in tune with my dogs so I asked them what they saw when they looked at our tree and they gave me a pretty accurate description.

Here it is in a graphic, because you love graphics.  And Bentley, Max and Shady Jack say “Happy holidays” to all of you!

What your dog sees when he looks at the (3)

 

 

 

REAL ESTATE**This post originally appeared in Under Analysis in September 2014.**

Disclaimer:  I’m not a real estate lawyer.  However, I feel completely qualified to write this post because I’ve purchased a home twice.  It’s kind of like how I’m sure I could compete with professional swimmers because I know how to doggy paddle…and I’m really good at it.

Either way, I’ve deemed myself an expert on real estate transactions, and since I’m picky about who I deem experts, you should feel confident that the rest of this post is completely accurate.

My husband and I recently decided we’d like to move.  We’ve come to the harsh realization that having a bedroom where only one piece of furniture fits, and sharing a very tiny bathroom may not be the best move if we plan to continue our marriage.  It’s become a matter of urgency.

In looking at homes for sale, I’ve noticed there is a certain lingo that comes with navigating the abyss of MLS listings. The jargon isn’t always readily discernable and sometimes you can get duped if you don’t know how to properly read a listing.

Fortunately, I’ve been able to crack the code on real estate listings and I’m ready to share it with you, mostly because I couldn’t come up with anything else to write about this week.

So without any further delay, I present to you a Lisa Newlin original: The real estate translator.

  • Must see inside – The outside is bad and the inside is only slightly better.

  • Fixture – That hideous chandelier is now yours.

  • Quaint home – It’s so small it will only fit half of your furniture.

  • Assumable mortgage – We assume you’re an idiot.

  • Recently reduced! – We can’t give this thing away.

TRANSLATOR

  • Credit report – The document that will remind you that opening 15 credit cards in law school just for the free gifts was a bad idea.

  • New roof – That’s the only thing that’s new.

  • Home inspection – Hold your breath because there’s a ton of stuff wrong with this house.

  • Only one owner – She lived here for 70 years and died in the kitchen.

  • Private Mortgage Insurance (PMI) – Your lender isn’t entirely sure you’re good for the money.

  • Warranty included – You’re going to need it.

  • Real estate agent – The person who will try to find you a home just outside of the highest end of your budget.

  • FHA loan – Be prepared to do nearly everything to get this loan.

  • Fixer upper – A licensed contractor needs to buy this house because of all the work it needs.

Fixer Upper!

  • Truth-In-Lending – The government requires all terms of the sale to be disclosed to you in a small novel that you’ll never be able to read or understand.

  • Title company – A company who will charge you a lot of money for something you’re not even sure you need.

  • Foreclosure -They definitely didn’t scrub the baseboards or clean ANYTHING when they moved out.

  • Contingency -They put it on the market before realizing they had to find another place to live.

  • Pre-approval – A company will agree to give you a loan for an obscene interest rate that even a toddler wouldn’t agree to.

  • Quitclaim deed – Buyer beware.  There’s probably a dead body in the basement and you’re going to have to pay to haul it away.

Quitclaim deed - Buyer beware.  There’s

  • Appraised value – A number that’s nowhere near the price you agreed upon and will bring inspection negotiations to a halt.

  • Closing costs – Charges you won’t understand but will feel too stupid to ask about.

  • Contract pending – They might have a deal but are open to even larger offers.

Granted, this isn’t an exhaustive list, but I think it’s a great start for anyone who wants to go through the painful process of buying a new home. If you are interested in purchasing some real estate, might I suggest one tool that will help streamline the process and make it much easier:  wine.

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Other places you can find me on the web

8 Reasons It’s Offensive That You Keep Asking Me If I Want Kids

Breaking Bad Saved My Marriage (No, Really)

Why Kelly KapowskiAnyone who was a child of the 80s (or 90s) will remember the super-cheesy  Saturday morning show, Saved by the Bell.  Anyone who has a child of the 80s (or 90s) will remember it too, as it was most likely a guilty pleasure.

Don’t fight it.  Embrace it.

One of the main characters was Kelly Kapowski, a high school “it” girl with mall bangs and a cheery disposition.  Although the mall bangs were sweet, her chipper personality could have been the result of daily inadvertent inhalation of Aqua Net.

Recently, I got to thinking about this show, probably because I enjoy  late-night eating and WGN reruns.  No matter the cause, I realized that despite Kelly’s popular status, I never would have been friends with her in high school because she would have been the worst friend ever.

I know, it’s devastating to me too.  But the logic doesn’t lie (and according to Shakira, neither do the hips).

1.  She wore sweatshirts with the neck cut out. 

kelly kapowski cut offAnyone who knows me (or has sat next to me while I curse the Patriots football team when that jackass coach wears his cut-up sweatshirts), knows I find cut-up sweatshirts intolerable.

Do you know what you could wear that you wouldn’t have to cut up?  A t-shirt.  Yeah, you can buy them pre-cut, and they’re cheaper too.

Such.  A.  Douche.

2.  She was a cheerleader 

I'm sure they're sad because this is when they realized they aren't as good as pommers.

I’m sure they’re sad because this is when they realized they aren’t as good as pommers.

There’s nothing wrong with cheerleaders, but I was a pommer so we couldn’t have been friends.  It just wasn’t in the cards.

Cheerleader versus pommer is the classic battle of good versus evil.It’s the high school equivalent of the Montagues versus the Capulets, only without all the killing and suicide.

No doubt about it, the pommers were far superior, just based upon uniforms alone. Throw in literary knowledge and the ability to dance themselves out of a knife fight, and it’s a no-brainer.

The pommers win everytime. (Yeah, like the cheerleaders would be able to dance their way out of a street brawl in West Side Story.  I don’t think so.)

Pommers were the respected girls, and although we knew how to shake it, we did it in a classy way;  we wore tights.

We weren’t like those heathen cheerleaders who throw each other up in the air with nothing but a small piece of cotton separating their lady parts from the fans in the stand.  No.

Pommers kept our business locked up (at least until after the game).

3.  She wore mom jeans.

kelly kapowski mom jeansDon’t get me wrong, my mom rocks, and looks better in jeans than I do.

But when in high school, a girl shouldn’t wear her jeans so high that sitting down quickly might actually take her virginity.

I’m sure that’s what Kelly told her guidance counselor was the cause, but we all know the dirty deed went down in the bathroom of a Wendy’s.

She celebrated with a Frosty. Who wouldn’t?

My friends were far more stylish than mom jeans, and so was I.  Being seen with someone in mom jeans and a cut off sweatshirt would be social suicide.

For further confirmation of my high school awesomeness, please see #2  and the photo above.

4.  She thought The Max was cool. 

kelly kapowski waitressKelly worked there as a waitress, or at least she did when the “plot” needed her to.  I use the term “plot” quite loosely here.

There are many reasons I wouldn’t go to The Max, the least of which is because it looks like the set of Double Dare and although I loved that show, somehow I can’t separate the image of that giant nose away from the Max’s burger menu.

Plus, the owner, “Max” (if that’s his real name), was super creepy with his magic tricks and Lyle Lovett hairstyle.

For this reason, I wouldn’t go visit her at work, which would certainly be a sticking point for our friendship.

5.  It would be hard to support her volleyball habit. 

Kelly Kapowski volleyball

Even her volleyball shorts are mom-shorts.

In keeping with the theme of being an unsupportive friend, I wouldn’t support her volleyball habit either, and I doubt anyone else would.

Kelly played on the school volleyball team, although I’m not sure when she had the time between cheerleading, waitressing, being an older sister to 18 kids, and spending time doing her bangs.

Seriously, that hairdo must take at least an hour and a full can of hairspray to accomplish.

It’s not that I don’t like volleyball.  Quite the contrary.

Men’s sand volleyball is one of my favorite Olympic sports, next to pole vaulting and mocking the parents of gymnasts.  I just don’t know what to do at a volleyball game to support the players.  I’m not sure if I should yell “Yeah, you spike that ball!” or “Bump it!  BUMP IT!”  Actually, I just answered my own question.

I would totally yell “bump it.”

6.  She wasn’t good enough to be Zach’s girlfriend.

I look way cuter with him than she ever did, and I know the importance of safe teenage behavior—I wear a helmet.  As is evidenced below, you pervs.

 

funny crap my husband says, September 2014 (1)Hey guys!

Summer is over which means I’m in a perpetual state of sadness.  However, one of the few things that lifts my spirits is posting some of the funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.

I’ve had a rough few weeks recently and this guy has gotten me through them with a lot of laughs.  (And bourbon.  I’ve had a LOT of bourbon these last 2 weeks.)

Since I love you guys, I’m sharing some of the wonderful nuggets of wisdom my husband shared with me this past month.  I really need to market him into a 1-900 number of inspirational sh*t.

Lover Not A Fighter

Matt:  “I’m totally amorous.  If I was a drink I’d be an amorous-o-sour.”

Inventor

Lisa: <Walks into room to find Matt laying on the couch.> “I thought for sure you’d be drinking a glass of wine.

Matt:  <Points to glass of wine between his legs> “I’m hands-free with this b*tch!

Buddhist/Spiritual Adivsor

Matt: “I could totally be a Buddhist if it wasn’t for all that silence stuff.”

photo (1)

He was NOT happy I took this photo.

Scientist

Lisa:  “Close the curtains. People can see inside the house now that it’s dark.”

Matt:  “No they can’t.”

Lisa:  “Yes they can. You can see inside the house when it’s dark outside and light inside the house.”

Matt:  “No. It’s the opposite of that.”

Lisa:  “So you’re saying you can see inside the house when it’s light outside and dark in the house.”

Matt:  “Of course not. It’s the opposite of that. It’s science honey. I can’t explain it.”

Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “Ouch!  Ouch! This is hot!“<Throws bag of steamed vegetables at Lisa>  “You take it!

Speaker of Sweet-Nothings

Matt:  <laughing>  “I want to say something but it’s gonna creep you out.”

Lisa:  “Just say it.”

Matt: “No. I’m creeped out just thinking about it.”

photo (2)

Please excuse my humidity hair. New Orleans is humid y’all!

A Jokester

Lisa: “That’s a Matt Newlin joke.” 

Matt: “No it’s not. I wouldn’t ever say something so lame…unless it was about a horse that had to be put down.” <Gives a Goddamned sh*t-eating grin>

Doctor Love

Lisa:  “I need to get my birth control prescription.”

Matt:  “Where do you go for that? Do you go to a urologist? Or maybe a HERologist?

World’s Best Listener

Lisa:  “And so I was thinking…

Matt:  <Gets up and leaves the room> “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lisa:  “I was in the middle of telling you a story.”

Matt:  “I knew where it was going.”

We really do love each other!

We really do love each other!

Tom Hardy’s #1 Fan

Lisa:  “Isn’t Tom Hardy bisexual? I thought he was.”

Matt:  “Tom Hardy is not bisexual. He’s just so straight that he bangs guys. That doesn’t make him bisexual.”

Steel Trap Memory

Lisa: “What else did you say the other night when we were talking about going to Mexico?

Matt: “I don’t know. You know I don’t listen to myself.

So what was your favorite Matt Newlism of the month? Tell me all about it!

Yup.  That’s right!  It’s another Tuesday and another Tinder photo that I mock relentlessly.  This week’s guy isn’t a d-bag like other weeks.  Quite the opposite.  I doubt he’s ever even been with a woman.

9th tinder tuesdayYeah.  This guy has a lot to give, but NOT that angel figurine set in the background.  He will cut you with his multi-functional pocket knife if you even try to touch those.

Week 9 of Tinder TuesdaysI’m not sure if that’s a family of angels, but one thing’s for certain; they’re this guy’s friends.  He most likely tells them about his day and about his wildest dreams; of actually talking to that girl at the comic book store.  (It’s never going to happen.)

It appears as if the angels have given birth to a baby angel and it’s colorful.  I’m not sure how all white angels can spawn a multicolored angel, but it appears as if that’s exactly what happened.  I’m also not sure if angels get freaky, but if they do, I bet this guy watches.

The good news about this guy is that he’s capable of being fancy.  He has a top hat on the top shelf because…where else would it go?

This guy clearly knows fancy.  I can’t imagine where he would wear this top hat, but I suspect it’s to Comic Con when he dresses up like the old school penguin from Batman.  Either that, or he wears only the top hat while he dances around the apartment singing “Tea for Two” while swinging a baton.

Sitting next to the top hat is an example of his epic failure.  A ship.  A ship he couldn’t get into a goddamned bottle no matter how hard he tried.  He keeps it there to remind himself of the worthless piece of crap he’s become.

But at least he’s sentimental.  On the wall he has the dead flowers he sent to his high school crush.  She sent them back to him, probably because they were accompanied by a note that said “I see your every move.”

He keeps them as a momento.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysHe also likes artwork, as evidenced by the odd picture hanging on the wall.  I suspect it’s a paint-by-number painting that he did while he was in the hospital on a psych hold.  I don’t know for what.  I just suspect it was for something creepy.

This guy is no stranger to eating frozen dinners while watching “Wheel of Fortune” in his boxers.  He’s able to make this happen because of the TV trays that are leaned up against the wall.  There are more than one in case his mom wants to join him.

He’s also got a soft side too.  Pleae note the multicolored bear in the bottom corner.  That bear is sitting on a rocking chair, you know, so he’ll be comfortable.  Fortunately, the bear is in its favorite sweater, so you know he’s comfy.  I suspect this guy knitted it just for him.

Sitting next to the creepy bear is a small candle that’s probably been there since 1995.  I can practically see the dust on it.

Next to that candle is some sort of stuffed animal that is going to haunt my nightmares.  The face on it looks terrified, and it’s terrifying.

Come to think of it, it’s probably terrified by the guy’s outfit.  I’m not sure if it’s a sweater or a sweatshirt that he’s wearing, but I am sure that he got it at Goodwill when he went there shopping for a new couch.

He also rocks those mom jeans.  He obviously didn’t realize he stumbled into the women’s section of the store and he couldn’t turn down sweet denim for $3.99.  Unfortunately, it looks like he forgot his braided belt.  It’s the only thing that would make his ensemble complete.

All things said, he seems like he might actually be a good guy.  He’s holding his hand out like he wants to take it and walk into the sunset with the woman of his dreams.  Either that, or he would like to tango with someone.

He’s been practicing with his mom.

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OTHER PLACES I’M ON THE WEB THIS WEEK

17 Life Lessons I Learned From ‘Breaking Bad’

Washington RedskinsMike Ditka has been in the news recently for his statements regarding The Washington Redskins.  He believes the team should continue to go by that name despite its trademark being revoked by The United States Trademark and Patent Office.  The Patent office cites the name as disparaging to Native Americans.  Mike Ditka disagrees.

I don’t have a feeling about this decision one way or the other.  I don’t live in Washington and I don’t follow the NFL.

Many Redskins fans, however, will undoubtedly be upset about the ruling.  However, there’s a silver lining in all of this; the Redskins will most likely have to change their uniforms and logo.

Here’s to hoping they don’t choose the ugliest color combinations possible.  Oh wait, they already did that.

Since the Redskins are without a name and mascot, I took it upon myself to come up with a few options.  Hopefully Washington will choose one of these and send me tickets to their opening game.

The Washington Snow Plows:  “We’ll roll over your defense”

photo credit: nolnet via photopin cc

The Washington Trees:  “We’ll never leaf a man unguarded”

photo credit: sachman75 via photopin cc

The George Washingtons:  “We chop down the competition just like a cherry tree”

photo credit: Dunechaser via photopin cc

The Washington Lattes:  “We’re hyped up on caffeine from Starbucks and can go the distance”

photo credit: el patojo via photopin cc

The Washington Fillabusters: “We’ll stall and run out the clock”

photo credit: wwarby via photopin cc

photo credit: wwarby via photopin cc

Washington Nirvana:  “We love all of our fans, but the ones with Teen Spririt are the best.  Wait.  Nevermind.”

fat girl's guide to yogaI’m not a fan of exercise.  Who is, really?  It’s a necessary part of life, but that doesn’t make it any less horrible.  When I was in high school and college I worked out all the time; so much so it was almost an addiction.  Sometime in law school I found a new addiction: Oreos.  And Doritos.  And pizza.  And Taco Bell.

Of course, I also discovered fat rolls.

I’ve gone back and forth with different workouts over the years but nothing has really stuck.  So I turned to the only option left. Yoga.

Yes, yoga.  At first I thought this would be a great workout because it meant I could sit down and call it exercise.  I also loved that I didn’t have to wear shoes.  I figured it couldn’t be that hard if it didn’t require footwear.

Obviously I was greatly mistaken.  After trying yoga several times I’ve decided that I hate it.  No.  I despise it.  I realize there are people who think it’s great, but there are also people in the world who don’t like cookie cake.  It takes all kinds of crazies to make the world go ’round.

Since I want to save my readers from the misery of downward dog, I’ve created a fat girl’s guide to yoga.  It’s pretty with pictures so it’s easy to read.  Yoga requires effort but following a guide on how to do yoga should be effortless.fatgirlsguidetoyoga (2)

I’m on the web other places this week!

Why Water Parks Are Like Bars

What’s In The Kardashians’ Storage Unit