Welcome to another week of Tinder Tuesdays: where I mercilessly mock a Tinder photo and remind myself that it isn’t so bad to be a thirty-something married woman.

This week’s photo comes from a man who seems to have a variety of hobbies, all of which are probably centered around stalking people. I suspect his face is hanging on a “Most Wanted” photo in a small-town post office.

Phallic symbol suggesting he's not wellSee?  Total. Creeper.

Check out his stalker equipment.  Not only does he have a gigantic telescope that can probably spot women undressing 3 blocks away, he also has a back-up set of binoculars to keep an eye on those future victims that live closer to home.  Or at least closer to the home he broke into in order to take this photo.

Week 11 of Tinder TuesdaysWhen I see that telescope I can’t help but think about Ronald Miller in “Can’t Buy Me Love” when he skipped the telescope purchase so he could be popular for a month. If I could give advice to this gentleman, I would tell him to skip the telescope purchase and find a cute girl returning a $1,000 suede outfit.  Maybe then he could get a date.

Then again, this guy is no Ronald Miller.

He has a barometer on the wall which would suggest he’s into nautical things except I see no other reference to boats or ships. Instead, I think he likes to know the barometric pressure so he can determine if rain is in the forecast.  He likes rain because it gives him a chance to wear his sexy rain boots, which he’s modeling in the photo as well.

He loves those boots because they keep his feet nice and toasty…especially since he rarely wears pants.

Which brings us to his pants…or lack thereof.  He’s rocking only a yellow pair of boxer/briefs.  It looks like he’s not much of a decision maker and couldn’t fully commit to either a boxer or a brief. Either that, or he’s excellent at compromises and this is how he shows it.

Either way, I get why he has a large phallic statue in the corner of the room.  Homeboy is definitely not working with much of a package.  I also suspect that he, much like the girls in my third grade class, stuffs his undergarments to make things look a little bigger.

Hello disappointment.

One thing is definitely for sure: he loves ‘Merica.  Or at least I think he does.  He’s wearing a red, white and blue garter belt around his arm.  I suspect he’s wearing it to feign patriotism while also covering up his horrible prison tattoo of a mermaid that he got from a bearded man doing 2-5 for indecent exposure.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysEither way, the garter belt came from the wedding reception of one classy bride.

My favorite part of his ensemble is the pink puffy vest, which undoubtedly came from the childrens’ department at Sears.  I want to say he bought it there on clearance but I think it’s more likely he got this in a very sophisticated street trade with an 11 year-old.  She got a sh*t ton of Pokemon cards as payment.

This guy is also not an animal lover. His raccoon skin cap says rodents and small woodland creatures are not welcome near his home.  It also says that he probably smells like mothballs because….come on….have you ever seen one of those hats that doesn’t have a horrible smell?

Although he’s holding a large rifle, for some reason I don’t think he’s violent.  I think he uses that to shoot PBR cans in the backyard, but I don’t get the sense he would actually use the gun as a weapon.  I suspect I feel that way because it’s clear he’s a lover of art.

The lovely piece that’s displayed on top of the piano looks like it’s a piece he paid quite a bit for…potentially up to $5.00 at auction garage sale.

Although he may know artwork and have a flair for fashion, he definitely isn’t much of a homemaker.  The bottom of the piano bench is filthy and hasn’t seen a dust rag in years.  I suspect all of his rags may be in use at the moment soaking in chloroform.

I’m not sure this gent is going to find love on Tinder, but I hope the authorities find him there, as I’m sure he’s wanted by more than just the fashion police.

It’s Tuesday even though it feels like Monday.  It’s a good thing we have another Tinder Tuesday! This week’s guy is a fan of my hometown, STL and is representing it via hat…even if the rest of the photo is less than stellar.

5-pound woman's weight

This guy looks like a serious toolbox.  As if that needed to be said, but I felt compelled anyway.

Let’s start with the weights to the left.  I see there is one dumbbell in the background.  Theoretically the other weight is behind his shoulder, but theoretically this isn’t a one-room apartment over his grandma’s garage.

Week 10 of Tinder TuesdaysI love the kettle ball sitting in the middle of the room.  I suspect it’s there to impress us, but I really think it’s there because he tried to bring it in when he moved into his crib and that’s as far as he could carry it before he gave himself a hernia.

And there it remains until his brother moves in.

I see there is one lone tennis shoes, interestingly walking away from the weights and kettle ball. I doubt that’s a coincidence. However, seeing this one shoe solves a long-time mystery.  Whenever I see a single shoe randomly strewn on the side of the road, I always wonder where the other shoe is.  THAT’S WHERE THE OTHER SHOE IS!

Homeboy also looks like he likes to vacuum, or at least he wants to give that impression with that neon vacuum in the background.   Jeez, guy. We get it.  You own a vacuum. We’re super pumped about it.  Now fire that b*tch up and sweep up that mauve carpet. Grandma likes a tidy apartment.

There’s a laundry basket in the background that suggests he’s fresh and clean, but he forgot to pick up the rest of his dirty clothes off of the floor.  He’s probably only worn those 3 times so he doesn’t think they’re dirty yet and he certainly doesn’t care that they’re on the floor.

We definitely know he didn’t wear them at the gym…or moving that kettle ball.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysI’m telling myself it’s dirty clothes and it’s not a dirty towel.  I’m telling myself it’s not a dirty towel.  It’s not…

I can’t tell for sure but it looks like on one of those Russian nesting doll tables is a picture frame. It looks like there’s a photo of a baby but it could just be what came with the frame.  I bet he thinks it makes him look cuddly.  It really just makes him look like a pedo.

And is that a rat trap back there by the trash can?  I’m not sure, but Matt swears it is. I’m not sure if rats would make it up the stairs at g’ma’s house house though. If they do, maybe those rats are the ones using those weights.

One thing is for sure, he’s looking for someone to snuggle with in that sweet beige recliner he found at Goodwill.

It’s Tinder Tuesday, which means another edition of mercilessly mocking someone on the dating site, Tinder.  Here’s this week’s candidate.

Tinder Tuesday guy with lighthouses

I think we can all agree this guy works out and has a great body.  We can also agree that the tattoo across his stomach looks like it says “dick.”  I really hope it does.

I can’t make out what the rest of his tattoos are but it looks like the one on his upper arm is a paisley print, which probably goes well with his sleeveless t-shirts he wears to the gym.  You know the ones—the ones he cuts the sleeves off himself and cuts a “v” in the collar so it looks like a Polo shirt.

Not.  Fooling.  Anybody.

Week 8 of Tinder TuesdaysHe appears to be in his backyard, which I like to believe he calls his “oasis.”  However, it doesn’t look like he’s much of a green thumb, as the hanging flower baskets are completely barren.  Maybe he killed them just like he killed the ab machine at the gym this morning.

One thing we do know about him though; homeboy loves his lighthouses.  It’s not like he just has one.  He likes to surround himself with different colored lighthouses, perhaps as a reminder that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel of love…or that he’s afraid of the dark and lighthouses make great night lights.

Although he may not be great with potted plants, he appears to love animals—or at least plastic ones.  From butterflies to pink flamingos, this guy likes his garden colorful, even if it can’t be with flowers.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysHis love of pinks doesn’t stop at those flamingos; it extends to the cushions on his porch swing as well.  Of all the colors he could have selected, he chose a soft pink floral print…perhaps to match the pink flamingos.

Looking to his face we see that he has on both sunglasses and a hat.  Obviously he’s worried about protecting his face from the sunshine, although he’s fine with the sun blasting his pecs.

That hat is…interesting.  I’m disappointed it’s a different pattern of plaid than his shorts.  I expected more from him, especially since he matched his cushions so nicely with his yard ornaments.

The only thing I can draw from the fact he’s wearing a hat that doesn’t match his shorts is that he’s wearing the hat for one reason; he’s bald.

The good news is, at least so says his bio, that you can grab a beverage with him and find out!

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Wanna find me other places on the web this week?

Check out what should really be on your back-to-school shopping list.  (Hint:  Alcohol is one of the things.)

Wanna make your kids sign contracts to agree to do (and not do) things when they return to school?  Here’s my prototype.

Top 9 Life Lessons I Learned From “Clueless”

 

It’s time for Tinder Tuesday and this week I’m going back to a male candidate.  Actually, I may have gone back to a male candidate last week, as that candidate’s gender was less than clear.

Either way, let’s get to the good stuff…and since there’s no good stuff, let’s just get to the photo.

Gus for Tinder Tuesday

It’s a lot to take in, huh?  You can practically hear the creepy kids’ music coming from that van in the background.  Even though it’s not painted like an ice cream truck, I’ve got a quarter that says this guy drives that truck around trying to sell sno cones to little boys.

We can’t tell for sure if it’s an ice cream truck but what we can  tell from this photo is that this week’s candidate is not the best driver.  You can see the dents on the side of the van where he either ran over a child’s father or an unwilling woman resisted being gagged and dragged into the love mobile.

Her resistance was futile.

I also note there’s a worn out path on the ground from his creeper-van to what I can only imagine is this guy’s favorite park.  I’m not saying he takes kids from that park and brings them to his van, but….wait.  Nope.  That’s totally what I’m saying.  That’s why there’s such a worn path there.

Looking to the actual candidate, we see he can’t be bothered with a shirt.  Something tells me he also couldn’t be bothered with deodorant.

Week 7 of Tinder TuesdaysThe good news is that since he’s not wearing a shirt we can see his hairless chest.  I can’t tell if it’s waxed or shaved but one thing’s for sure; he knows hair holds DNA and he wants to eliminate as much as possible.

He also clearly knows the art of seduction, as his sexy pose tells us he’s down to party.  The rash above his junk tells us he’s already partied with most of the strippers at the local establishments.

Perhaps he should get some ointment and store it in that van.

Thankfully he’s wearing a belt, although it looks like that belt is missing a buckle.  I suspect it may have been ripped off in the throes of passion…or in an attempt to escape.  Either/or.

Our guy might pay close attention to the kids at the park but it doesn’t look like he pays attention to the weather.  The reflection in the van’s windows show there are no leaves on the tree, or at least there’s no leaves on that tree.  Perhaps it shuddered them off once it saw Romeo sans shirt.

This photo doesn’t show this candidate’s footwear but there’s no way he isn’t wearing cowboy boots.  No fricking way.  Yee-haw.

So if you’re looking for a creepy guy with a rash, bad B.O. and a stalker van, this guy is probably your man.  I bet you can find him near the local playground after school.  But don’t be fooled, he DOES NOT have ice cream.

Tinder Tuesday is back this week and the estrogen is flowing!  This is the second female I’ve featured and I’m loving it.  After all, I’m an equal opportunity mocker.

Let’s get to it, shall we?  This week’s candidate doesn’t show her face so I don’t even have to worry about trying to black it out.  Apparently she thinks looks don’t matter…which probably means she’s ugly.  Here she is showing off her biggest assets.  Emphasis on “ass”…and tits.

Tinder Tuesday photo for 8-5

I’m not much of a fashionista but something tells me this outfit isn’t “Casual Friday” appropriate.  Come to think of it, I can’t imagine anywhere it’s appropriate, except, of course, posing for a selfie in one’s bedroom.

I can’t tell if it was a full body suit that a rabid cat shredded, or if she took a pair of scissors to it herself.  Part of it looks like it could be a swimming suit, although I suspect the pants aren’t aerodynamic.

Is she wearing underwear with this?  I suspect not, although if her underwear is as tattered as her outfit, she may be hiding those somewhere.

And is that a tapered leg pant?  Doesn’t she know those are soooo last season?

I’m no sure why she couldn’t just take a selfie without using a mirror, but perhaps she doesn’t have a smart phone.  Something tells me this chic isn’t the brightest bulb, which is funny, because her camera didn’t even use a flash, so that bulb isn’t very bright either.

Speaking of that mirror, it confuses me because it doesn’t look like there’s a bottom to it.  It’s like the damn Chronicles of Narnia up in there.

Looking up to her pits I see a problem.  A lot of problems.  It looks like this woman spent all of her time shimmying into this pink number and neglected to shave her pits….ever.

I love that her “about” section doesn’t say anything about her.  Instead, it says she’s “new the site just checking it out.”  Apparently this pink goddess isn’t a fan of capitalization, or grammar.

Fortunately, we can deduce from the background that she loves quilts made out of old t-shirts.  Something tells me those shirts are from one-night-stands; from the guys who never called her again.  I can imagine her pillaging through the men’s dirty laundry while they’re asleep, all the while trying to find a memento of their night together.  That is….other than the $20 they slipped her for “services rendered.”

And let’s look at those shoes.  They’re…interesing.  I can’t tell if that’s a hair scrunchie at the top of her heels or if that’s part of the shoe.

Either way, nothing says classy like fringe coupled with a shredded unitard.

Week 6 of Tinder Tuesdays

Can you believe it’s already Tuesday?  It snuck up quickly on me, which is funny, because this week’s Tinder Tuesday candidate looks like that’s exactly what she would do…or rather, what someone did to her.

Yes, this week’s Tinder Tuesday candidate is a her.  Fortunately I have some awesome readers who are willing to send in candidates for my <ahem> analysis.  This week’s inaugural female Tinder candidate will not disappoint.  In fact, she’s got a little something more than most other candidates….

Pregnant Tinder

What’s that something more that she has?  A baby.  It’s a fricking baby.

I know what you’re thinking…this photo is the MOTHERLOAD!

So many places to start, but I’m going to look to her philosophy on life first.  At the bottom you will see what she says about herself.  “Life’s a garden…DIG IT!”  I’m not sure if that’s truly her philosophy, but one thing is for sure: she knows how to hoe (it up).

Who tries to catch a man when she’s in her last trimester?  Perhaps she doesn’t understand the “tri” means “third” and not “try to find a baby-daddy.” Perhaps she’s hoping she can meet someone in time to get in on his HMO.  After all, having a baby isn’t cheap.

Looking up to her face we notice she couldn’t be bothered to put on makeup.  Perhaps she prefers au naturale when it comes to makeup.  If that’s the case, I hate to know if she continues that theory when it comes to her bikini line.

It also appears as if her hair is wet, which suggests good hygiene.  Either that, or she goes a litle crazy with the Dep hairgel. Either way is fine with me.

What I don’t see on her fingers are any rings.  If she’s on a dating site I would expect her not to have on a wedding ring, but her lack of rings here makes me wonder if she’s married but her fingers are just too swollen for jewelry.

I also suspect this may not be her first bundle of joy.  To the right there’s a stroller with things on it.  Something tells me this wasn’t just given to her at a baby shower thrown at the local the country club.  Rather, this stroller has some wear and tear from a few love nuggets before the newest batch.

I also can’t help but notice that it looks like she’s in her childhood bedroom at her mom’s house.  There’s old-school furniture and nothing about this scene says “This is my own place but I chose to decorate it like a teenager.” If she did live somewhere other than her mom’s house, why would she have her TV, 1990s computer AND her stroller all within a foot of each other?

And let’s address that TV, shall we? I want to say it’s a TV/VCR combo but that would be too perfect.  It looks like she has a stellar collection of DVDs, so perhaps she’s stepped out of the 80s when it comes to electronics.  I can’t see what movies she owns but I suspect there’s a copy of “Knocked Up” in there somewhere.

Next to the TV cart is a large cardboard box.  I can only assume this is already filled with the necessities she would need to move into your place…after your second date.  After all, it’s clear this chick moves fast.

Looking to the right there’s a collection of odd glass statues sitting on two shelves.  I’m telling myself they’re not random glass bongs, but not doing a good job of convincing myself of that.

On top of the hutch there’s what appears to be a Pogo Ball from the 80s.  Yes, I just referenced a Pogo Ball.  Maybe that’s not it but if it is, I might track this chick down just to borrow it.  I bet I could find her in the maternity ward.

And let us not forget the dirty underwear strewn behind her.  As if we needed reminding that she readily takes those things off.

Okay, I think that’s it for this week.  After all, this chick has already taken a pounding.  Oh, and she’s been mocked here too.

Did I miss anything?  Let me know!

Week 5 of Tinder Tuesdays

GUESS WHERE I’M PUBLISHED THIS WEEK?!  SCARYMOMMY.COM

Check out my post about how water parks are just like bars.

 

Can you believe it’s Tuesday again?  Fortunately, that means it’s time for another edition of  Tinder Tuesdays, where I take an actual photo from Tinder and mock it mercilessly.

This week is an…interesting photo.  I’m not sure how else to describe it, so I’ll just get to it.

Tinder Tuesday guy with snakeskin

What.  The.  Frick?

Let’s start by what is wrapped around his neck.  I want to say it’s a snake but I don’t think this guy is manly enough to have a snake that large.  If he does have a snake, it’s one he found in his herb garden.  He is currently housing the snake in a fish tank, feeding it fresh vegetables and garnishes.

He named the snake Roger.

So what is it exactly?  Something to sit on? Maybe he has hemorrhoids and needs to carry around an inflatable pillow, but he thinks this looks more manly.

It doesn’t.

Week 4 of Tinder TuesdaysAnd how about that two pack of abs?  What I love best about it is the fact that he’s sucking in…as if the focus of this photo is on his stomach.

Moving right along, let’s focus on that sweet prison tattoo on his bicep.  What exactly is that?  A carcass of an animal?  A steer?

Since I’m a fan of college football, I’m telling myself it’s the mascot of University of Texas.  Hook em horns.

Looking to the left of the photo it looks like he has a band-aid on his right bicep.  I’m not sure what caused his boo boo but I really hope it wasn’t a run-in with Roger.

Either way, I would have pegged him for a Pokemon band-aid kind of guy.  I’m a little disappointed.

I’m not sure where he’s posing for this photo but it looks like it’s right outside his grandma’s worn down trellis…the grandma who has been dead for 7 years.

I like to tell myself that belt buckle has her initials in her honor.

What do you see in this week’s Tinder Tuesday’s bachelor?  Discuss.

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Where else am I on the web this week?

If humans were more like dogs

A guide to packing for a weekend in Las Vegas

What your wedding vows really mean

Top 10 Excuses To Get Out Of Exercising

A helpful guide for North West for living with a horrible name

Keeping the “happy” in “Happy Birthday”

Week 3 of Tinder TuesdaysIt’s Tuesday and I’ve got a doozie lined up for you today.  It’s my birthday today so I wanted to do something extra special for this week’s installment.

This photo won’t disappoint.

From sequins to body hair to inappropriate floating devices, this week’s photo might just be my favorite one so far.  I’ve also decided that for this week only I’m going to post the picture.  I think I’ve done enough editing out to protect the real person’s identity, although I can’t imagine he isn’t well-known wherever he goes.

Either way, enjoy this week’s edition.  Please also feel free to send me money, candy, or any other birthday gifts you deem appropriate.

Tinder Tuesday HulkeThis guy is clearly festive, which is why I chose this as my birthday photo.  Check out his sequined banana hammock.  Nothing says “I know how to please a woman sexually” quite like gold sequined Speedos, although I doubt those are Speedo brand.  He doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would go all out for expensive items.

I mean, he clearly can’t invest in a razor for his man-palace.

This brings me to the second part of the photo I’d like to address.  What the hell is going on in his genital region?  Believe me, I don’t want to look there but my eyes can’t help but be drawn to the explosion of hair fighting to escape the sequined thong.

I suspect he had a hard time shoving all of it into those bikini bottoms and the visible hair is what wouldn’t fit.  If you look closely it appears as if part of his junk is actually exposed, although we can’t be certain as its covered by bushes and debris.

Homeboy could use a hedge trimmer.

What makes this even more confusing is the fact that he knows how to groom himself, as his facial hair is…interesting.  For starters, it’s perfectly manicured into two bushes on either side of his face, separated by a strip of skin.  It’s what I can only assume is a landing strip of pleasure.  It’s like a backward version of a Brazilian.

The can in his hand tells me he knows how to party.  Is it a manly beer?  Pft!  Of course not.  It’s Margarita in a can…just like all the real men drink.

This margarita tells me he knows how to party, but is too lazy to make a batch himself (although I’m sure he’s made many batches of his own special sauce…if you know what I’m saying.)

Tinder Tuesday Hulke

Take another look!

Looking to the bottom left of the photo, I see floral cushions mimicking those from the set of “The Golden Girls.”  I suspect they may actually be from the 80s.  I also suspect they’ve seen more action than Blanche Deveraux, and probably have just as many STDs.

Mixed in with the cushions is what appears to be a giant inflatable wiener.  I’m not sure I know what to say about this.  It’s a giant inflatable wiener.  Nuff said.

As if an inflatable wiener amongst floral cushions isn’t odd enough…there’s an Asian umbrella.  Quite honestly, I expected to see an Asian umbrella in this photo, but I thought it would be in Mr. Love’s drink.  No such luck.

Maybe the umbrella means he cares about protection…or he likes tea at high noon.

And what kind of vessel is he riding?  (I  bet his pick up line would be something about how you should “ride his vessel.”)  It looks like he’s on a barge or large dock of some sort.

What’s particularly interesting is the fact that there is a pool on the vessel.   I’m not sure why he would need a body of water on top of another body of water.

The only logical conclusion is that he sweats profusely and likes to be near water to cool off and let his chest hair flow with the water.

It also looks like there’s a pole in the background to the right.  I can’t tell what’s flying from it but one thing’s for sure:  it’s his freak flag.

What’s also funny is the fact there are people in the background who don’t seem surprised or shocked that a sweaty and hairy beast in a sequined thong is drinking a can of margaritas.

I’m not sure what kind of party this is and I can’t decide if I want to be invited.

I bet there’s crabs in the water.

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Just don’t sign me up for Tinder.  I will seriously cut you if you do.

Week 2 of Tinder TuesdaysIt’s Tuesday, which means it’s time for another edition of Tinder Tuesdays.  This is only my second edition but you guys loved the first edition so hopefully this won’t disappoint either.

This week isn’t someone nearly as patriotic, but last week’s guy set the patriotic bar quite high.  What could be more patriotic than a hairy naked man in the woods holding his package while drenched in the American flag?

No one.  That’s who.

This week’s available bachelor didn’t venture out for a photo shoot on location.  Instead, he took his photo from the comfort of his own bedroom…which is undoubtedly in his mom’s basement.

Since I don’t want to be sued for copyright infringement, I can’t post the actual photo.  However, I can post my artistic rendition of the photo, which is pretty much the same thing.  Here it is.

Hairy chest

Nice, huh?  Let’s break this down one train wreck at a time.

First, let’s start with the giant turkey leg hanging out of his mouth.  I’m not sure why he thought it necessary to take a selfie of him eating a pound of meat, but alas, he did.  Perhaps it’s to show his oral skills, as he’s felating that turkey leg like a boss.

He likes this poultry and the poultry like him back, if you know what I mean.

I can only imagine his thought process when he pondered what photo would best represent him for prospective ladies.  Beef?  Tuna?  Chicken?  For whatever reason, he must have discarded those options in favor of a turkey leg.  Perhaps what’s most disturbing about all of this is that he made the conscious decision to take a photo of him massacring meat.

This makes me wonder what kind of growth or jacked up grill he must have underneath that turkey leg.  My money’s on a raging case of mouth herpes.

Moving down what is most certainly a “fluffy” body, we see that he didn’t deem it appropriate to don a shirt for this photo session.  Either he’s a Magnum P.I. fan and wants to show off his hairy chest circa 1982 or he’s a messy eater who doesn’t want to stain his best Co-ed Naked t-shirt.

Honestly, I can respect that since it’s the baseball one that says “If you’re in scoring position, we’ll drive you home.”  Classic.

I bet he drives ladies home in his tricked out Chevy Aveo with stained cloth seats and a cassette player.

Moving left we see several large glass jars with pieces of fabric covering them and an elastic band keeping the fabric in place.  One thing’s for sure; that guy is resourceful when it comes to storage.

I can’t help but wonder what’s in those glass jars. It appears to be a dark liquid which may be moonshine.  It could also be his bodily waste because his mom doesn’t have a bathroom in the basement and he’s too lazy to put on pants and walk upstairs.

Yeah, I’m assuming he isn’t wearing pants.  This suspicion is supported by the fact his left hand is nowhere to be seen.  I can only assume he’s following in the footsteps of our patriotic friend and is taking his selfies in the nude.

Moving up next to the black and white photographs taped to the wall I have only one thought.  WHAT.  THE.  HELL?

I can’t tell what’s in the photographs but this montage looks like something that would be on the wall of an FBI investigation room, or in the lair of a serial killer.  I’m picturing pieces of red yarn creating a web that doesn’t makes sense to anyone but this turkey-lover. Maybe he has a beautiful mind, but the way he’s downing that meat, he probably doesn’t have a beautiful body.

There’s also what appears to be a red stool nearby.  It’s the kind that’s typically used for playing the drums…or applying makeup in front of a vanity.

We next move on to his closet, where his door is left open.  Hanging there are varying colors of t-shirts.  Yes, t-shirts.  Not polos or collared shirts, but t-shirts.  I suspect in addition to his Co-Ed naked collection there are Big Johnson shirts, Mossimo shirts, BUM Equipment and several Technicolor t-shirts as well.  The Technicolor ones are for when he feels fancy and heads to the comic book store for the newest anime video.

What’s particularly disturbing about his closet isn’t the fact that his shirts are evenly spaced on the rack; it’s the stack of items on the shelf.  It looks like a series of photo albums, which I suspect are filled with naked pictures of himself doing various ninja moves with a plastic sword he got from Dollar General.

This brings us down to the rolling cart that houses his board games.  I don’t see a ouija board but I suspect it’s in there and just out of view.  The board games give me hope he has some interaction with the human race, or maybe he just thinks he does.

That about wraps it up for this week’s Tinder Tuesdays.  Stay tuned for next week’s edition.  I’m not sure what lovely guy will be featured next week but I know he will be awesome because next Tuesday is my birthday and I like to celebrate.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the store and buy a few turkey legs.

Tinder TuesdaysI’ve decided to start a new segment on my blog.  Tinder Tuesdays will highlight a different photo on Tinder each week with an analysis of what’s really going on in the photo.

Trust me.  There are some doozies.

For those of you happily married (or not so happily) and those who don’t know what it is,  Tinder is a free app you can download on your phone.  It shows you profiles of possible people in your geographic area you could meet and date.

It touts itself as a dating app but it’s really just the electronic version of a booty call.

I’m glad they didn’t have this when I was single.

I didn’t know anything about Tinder and neither did my husband…or so he claims.  Fortunately, I have single friends to alert me to new technology like this; and like the Google Maps app that tells you directions out loud.  Who knew that existed?

My friend The Nudist (not her real name), told me about this app recently and I thought it was too good to be true.  Since seeing is believing, she showed me the app on her phone and let me scroll through and play a little.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysYou set up a profile with a photo of yourself and perhaps a few words about you, although most profiles I saw didn’t have anything other than a photo and their name.

You scroll through photos and with each one you decide if you want to keep them or if you want to dump them.  If you keep them and they keep you, then you can interact with each other through the app.

If you dump them then they will never show up in your feed again.  If only I could have been so lucky with people I dumped when I was single.

One night The Nudist and I were having one of our “patio chats,” which is really an excuse to sit on my patio at night and drink.  She brought up Tinder and asked if I wanted to check it out.

Um, yes please.

I began scrolling through photos of men and the power of knowing I could keep them or trash them was empowering.  Some of the men weren’t bad but some of them were positively horrible.

Because I’m always thinking of my readers, I decided to introduce you to a real person on Tinder each week so you can enjoy the fun of the most ridiculous and superficial app ever invented.

Since it’s July 4th weekend, I thought I’d start things off with a patriotic pic.  However, since I don’t want to get sued for copyright infringement, I can’t post the actual picture.  But don’t worry.  I did something just as good.  I drew an exact replica of it.  I’m a really good artist so you won’t even be able to tell the difference.

drawing of America Tinder guy

At first glance, I see what everyone else sees; a douchebag.  Oh, and the American flag.  He’s enveloped himself in it.  I’m not sure if he is doing this to show he’s enveloped in the freedom America brings, or if he’s doing it to keep his nipples from hardening from the cold temperatures.

Either way, this guy either (1) bought this flag specifically for this photo shoot, (2) borrowed it from a friend or (3) already owns this gigantic flag that is most likely wider than whatever shack he lives in.

If he borrowed it from a friend, I hope the friend knew what he was using it for.  Either way, I wouldn’t want that flag back.

Please also note he’s in some sort of wooded area, which I suspect is where he buries the bodies of his suitors once he’s done with them.  I’m also confident that posing naked in a park violates some sort of local ordinance.  Where’s a park ranger when you need one?

Nudity in a park will also make you a sex offender, but I suspect he’s not worried about that.  Once you’re on the list it stays with you no matter what you do.

As if you hadn’t noticed, he is naked but for his death grip on his manly parts.  He is expertly holding that area, which is probably because his hands spend a lot of time down there.  I’m not sure why he felt the need to be naked in this photo other than to show off his sweet pecs and tit tattoo.  I can’t see what the tattoo is but for some reason I think it’s a dragon eating a unicorn JUST. TO. WATCH. IT. DIE.

Prying my eyes away from his banging body, looking up to his face, I see a mass of a beard.  I can’t tell if it’s well groomed but I’m certain it smells like B.O. and cheap whiskey.  Of course, not all men with bushy beards smell like sweat, but since he’s naked outside, I can only assume he perspires like a sonofabitch and may not make grooming a top priority.

Interestingly, he seems to take care of the bush downstairs, but not so much with the bush on his face.

Looking upward to his hat, I’m completely confused as to why he chose the hat he did.  Personally, there’s nothing more patriotic than a naked man in boots wrapped in a flag with a cowboy hat on.  I guess 3 out of 4 ain’t bad, but it still makes me question his fashion sense.

One of the things I find most enjoyable about this picture is his discarded clothes off to the side on the left.  He went to great pains to make this photo as perfect as possible, yet forgot to move his clothing out of the shot.

It also looks like there’s a black snake looming by his discarded boot.  I’m not sure if that’s a snake that’s out in the wild or if it’s his pet snake he brought from home.  It’s 50/50.

But, there’s one overriding concern about this photo that makes the whole thing terribly creepy.  Someone took that photo.  Someone voluntarily agreed to go into the woods with this man, watch him remove his clothing and envelope himself in the flag.

Since this is such a great photo I can only imagine the photographer also helped him position the flag and made sure his hands fully covered his junk.

I love my friends but naked photos in the woods is where I draw the line.

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Do you have experience with crazy Tinder photos?  A crazy person you met on Tinder.  Tell me!  I will do this segment every week….hopefully my artistic abilities improve.