The day has come for all you football fans out there.  It’s the culmination of a full season of cussing at the TV, yelling at the refs who clearly got it wrong, and cursing Bill Belichick because he can’t be bothered to wear a sweatshirt the way it was intended…with sleeves.

That last part may just be me, but seriously with that guy?  Would it kill him to not look like a slob for ONE game?  But then again, when he’s regularly on camera with such a beautiful specimen as Tom Brady, he is always going to look like a slob in comparison.  He probably figures he should not even try and just be comfortable.

Okay guys, stop googling images of a topless Tom Brady and focus on this amazing blog post.  Do I need to keep you here with eye candy?  I’m not above it.  <———There. Happy now?

Let’s get back on track, people!  After a season of hard work, two football teams will face off today in the Super Bowl.  It’s the biggest game of the year for those two teams.  It’s the….well….it’s the Super Bowl of…..well…Super Bowls.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday.  Even if you don’t care about football, today is the one day of the year where you pretend to care just so you attend a Super Bowl party.

Every year, I can’t help but laugh at the whole notion of Super Bowl parties.  On any given Sunday during football season, you can find a football lover laying on the couch watching the games, dozing in and out of consciousness.  Sunday football viewing is basically a full day of intermittent napping and football fans can’t be bothered to do anything with others as long as there are games on.

During the season, Sundays transform into a day of solitude for football lovers.

MANHATTANDon’t even think of talking to them during the game, as viewing the sport takes significant concentration.  In my experience, I find such concentration is most often achieved with closed eyes and snoring.

However, once we get to the biggest game of the year, all of a sudden everyone wants to celebrate with a party.  I truly believe the reason these parties happen is because football lovers know if they didn’t have people over, they would sleep through the big game too.  They need parties to keep them awake for the full event.

Fortunately, I’m a giving and caring person who wants to make dreams come true, so I’m happy to attend Super Bowl parties.  However, I take them quite seriously.  If I’m going to go, I want to make sure I’m prepared ahead of time.  I need to engage in a serious fact-gathering expedition before I make my final decision regarding what to root for.

This investigation usually starts days in advance.  I begin researching information about which teams and cities are in the final game and what colors they wear.  (I need to plan my outfit.)

But most importantly, I want to know the spread for the game.  Will there be nachos and dip, or chili and sandwiches?  Cookies and ice cream, or brownies and pies?

Wait…you didn’t think when I said I wanted to prepare myself for the big day that I was talking about educating myself on the teams, did you?  I simply need to know which city each team comes from to know if I will be walking into a theme-based party with food indicative of the teams.  (Clam chowder for New England or crab cakes for Seattle.)  And when I said I needed to plan my outfit, I meant I needed to locate pants with elastic.

You didn’t think when I referred to “the spread” that I was actually referring to gambling on the game, did you?  Do you read this blog at all?!  The only gambling I will be doing today is eating buffalo chicken dip without the benefit of a gallbladder.

I suspect the loser will be my friends’ bathroom.  (FYI…you know who you are and I would recommend stocking up on air freshener.)

To me, Super Bowl Sunday is an excuse to get together with friends and stuff my face with as many foods as possible.  It’s one of the biggest eating days of the year and I need to prepare myself, both mentally and physically.  I suggest you do the same.

As for the winners of this year’s Super Bowl, it’s too early to tell.  But I’ve got my money on the buffalo chicken dip.

Life Lessons Learned From A Christmas StoryOne of my favorite things about the Christmas holiday is the 24-hour marathon of  A Christmas Story that plays every year on TBS.  Other favorites include bourbon and vodka, but then again, that’s just a Tuesday night at the Newlin household.

I love the Christmas season because it makes it completely acceptable to drink before noon…in my jammies…while noshing on three different kinds of cookies…and watching A Christmas Story, which brings us full circle.

I’ve been watching A Christmas Story for more than a decade and every time I watch it I learn something new.  For instance, I now know that having your Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant is completely acceptable, so long as you don’t order the duck.

I also know that the Bumpkisses are the worst neighbors ever and they really need to feed their dogs more regularly.

I’ve also learned that the ominious threat of “Not a finger!” makes no sense, yet is somehow terrifying when said in a serious tone.

Because it’s that time of year again and we’re all going to binge on our favorite Christmas movie, while eating turkey of course, I thought I would lay out some of the life lessons we’ve learned from Ralphie and his family.

I did the lessons in Gifs because it’s funnier that way and it means I don’t have to write anything after each point, which is also a bonus.

Enjoy the lessons and enjoy watching A Christmas Story at least 5 times this season.  Anything less is simply unpatriotic.

“Not a finger!”

1.  Soap is poisonous if ingested.  It will cause blindness.


http://giphy.com/gifs/funny-80s-old-9SDgfBmYoYUBa

2.  Never give in to peer pressure.


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3.  It’s important to get bundled up for the cold.


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4.  It’s never too early to start thinking about Easter.


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5.  Ovaltine is one big scam.


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6.  Santa Claus is not nice to the naughty.


http://giphy.com/gifs/a-christmas-story-30-day-movie-challenge-love-hate-relationship-jdaleXLrjjbqg

7.  Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to get your kid to eat.


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8.  Super glue actually can’t fix everything.


http://giphy.com/gifs/a-christmas-story-the-flintstones-leg-lamp-10UFbWsPdaHKww

9.  Icicles can be very dangerous.


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10.  A Red Rider BB Gun really will shoot your eye out.


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11.  Major Awards are best when they’re Italian.


http://giphy.com/gifs/christmas-boho-a-story-N9bIdFOs3JV3q

12. Never back down from a triple dog dare.


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13. The f— word is THE word.


http://giphy.com/gifs/funny-80s-old-wYYOkSOhVq0g0

-Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer-It’s no secret that I’m not the hugest Christmas person in the world, which makes no sense, as Christmas has all the makings of a Lisa Newlin favorite holiday.  Food?  Check.  Presents?  Check?  Oversized sweaters to hide the extra cookies you’re smuggling home from grandma’s house? Check.

Wait, why am I not more crazy about this holiday?

One thing I’m definitely not a fan of is Christmas music.  I know.  Ba hum bug.  I just don’t like hearing the same annoying songs every single year for two months.  Forever.  Until I die.  At least Miley Cyrus has an expiration date of when they’ll stop playing her music on the radio. (Fingers crossed.)

But the chipmunks? Those f*ckers will be singing about a flipping hula hoop well after I’ve left this world.

Granted, some holiday songs are more bearable than others, and then there are some that are just weird.  As you may recall, last year I wrote about how “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was really just a song by a creepy kid.  In that same vein, this year I decided to take another Christmas carol we all merrily sing around the tree and break it down a bit.

Which song did I choose? A song about murder, alcoholism, pill addiction and hope for the holidays.

Let’s get this bad boy started with the beginning line that’s completely grammatically incorrect.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer,”

Um, please tell me this is what you’re yelling to the 911 operator and not what you’re jotting down as the beginning of a catchy tune.  I sincerely hope you didn’t learn of your me-maw’s demise and immediately think “There’s a jingle in there somewhere, I know it.”  Please tell me CPR was attempted.

Coming home from our house Christmas Eve.”

Seriously?  You let an elderly woman walk home by herself on Christmas Eve?  If that’s how you treat her during the holiday season, I’d hate to see what you do to her when it isn’t such a hospitable month. Give the woman a ride.  Geez.

You can say there’s no such thing as santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.”

Seriously?!  You followed up a declaration that your sweet old granny was murdered with a sentence of hope and believing in a mythical creature?!  I just hope you believed in modern medicine because I suspect old gran needed to believe in some morphine and a neck brace.

She’d been drinking too much egg nog,”

Okay, now I’m really starting to like this gram, assuming the egg nog was actually bourbon.  Around the holidays, that’s what I call my bourbon just because it sounds more festive than “I’m going to sit by the fire and polish off a pint of bourbon all by myself.”  See?  Egg nog just sounds better.

And we begged her not to go.”

TOP SECRETUm, was me-maw a 300 pound body builder?  Couldn’t you just stop the frail granny from leaving by simply putting your hand across the door jam and taking her walker?  Really?  You had to beg her to stay and when she refused you were all “You’re on your own old hag!”

Nice.  Real.  Fricking.  Nice.

But she’d left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.”

ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!  This woman was drinking and forgot her medication so you let her STUMBLE into the SNOW?!  You guys really are a bunch of a-holes.  Don’t you know that “A Christmas Story” runs on a continuous loop for 24 hours on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?

Perhaps you should have torn yourself away from that beloved classic for just a few minutes to make sure your arthritic mimi didn’t fall into the snow in her alcohol-induced state.

When they found her Christmas mornin‘”

YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS DEAD UNTIL THE MORNING WHEN SOMEONE ELSE FOUND HER?!  You didn’t bother to check to see if your drunk me-maw who needed her pills made it home in the effing dark?

I find this a little hard to believe if I’m also to believe that you “begged her not to go.”  I’m beginning to think you didn’t care as much about granny as you claim to.

At the scene of the attack,
There were hoof prints on her forehead,”

He doesn't even seem sorry for runningI hope at this point you’re feeling at least a little bad about the fact you left her out in the cold to get ravaged by wild animals.  And I swear to God if you tell me this was a vampire attack and that Edward Cullen is responsible…I will….just…I will just….

And when you saw the hoof prints on her forehead, please tell me that at least then you called the authorities.  I’m sure CSI could come in to do their thing although I doubt they have a database for hoof prints and their corresponding offenders.

And incriminatin’ Claus marks on her back.”

What.  The.  Hell?  First of all, what are “Claus marks” and second of all, how are they incriminatin’? And third, do you not know proper English? Not only did you allow for a negligent homicide of your gram-gram, you don’t even know how to formulate words or sentences.  I’m beginning to understand why Gram was such an alcoholic pill popper.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.  Instead of writing a nice eulogy for your Gammy, or perhaps going on the news to warn of the dangers of an “incriminatin’ Claus” and his rag-tag reindeer, you decided to write a holiday jingle about her death and how she was left outside in the snow all night long to die simply because you guys couldn’t be bothered to pull yourselves away from the TV?

But hey, at least you ended the song with an uplifting statement about how some people don’t believe in Santa Claus, but you and Grandpa believe.  I realize you meant to suggest…wait…I have no fricking clue what you meant to suggest.  If you truly believed Santa mowed down your Gams, then of course you believe….because he’s guilty.  You should file a police report.

And why are you writing it like believing in the man who took your sweet Gran away  from this world is a positive thing? Is believing in Charles Manson also something we should sing to our kids about?  I’m thinking you and Grandpa are missing your moral compasses.  Perhaps they’re out in the snow clutched in Gran-Gran’s lifeless hands.

I hope you guys didn’t get anything in the will.

What they should really teach atEvery fall, millions of high school graduates pack up their things and head off to college to increase their knowledge and decrease their bank accounts. It’s an exciting time but a scary one too. There are so many unanswered questions college newbies have, but most of them are too scared to ask.

Most schools require some form of orientation for the new students, although those are about as useless as the salad bar in the cafeteria. I know when I went to college I didn’t know who to turn to for answers.

Unfortunately, I had to learn many of these things the hard way. But in an effort to save other college students from making the same mistakes I did, I’m offering tips for what they didn’t teach you in college orientation, but should have.

  • Never ask “What’s that smell?”  You don’t want to know the answer. Ever.
  • Beer bottles will clink together when you’re trying to sneak beer into the dorm in your backpack. Get cans instead.
  • You will never fit all of your clothes in the dorm room’s closet. Buy some storage bins.
  • Someone will steal your shampoo at least once. It will happen.
  • You will learn to drink bottom-shelf liquor, but you will still hate it. You will also learn that it’s kept on the bottom shelf so it’s easier to grab when you’re laying on the floor “resting your eyes.”
  • You actually have to read the assigned reading. It’s totally a bummer.
  • There’s a difference between cheap and expensive toilet paper and it isn’t just price.
  • Your professor can still see you sleeping even though you’re in the back row.
  • There are some really weird people in the world. One of them will probably be your roommate.
  • Foot fungus. It’s a thing. Wear sandals.
  • That sound you hear through the wall? That’s snoring. You’ll hear that for the next four years.
  • Don’t be a hero and schedule an 8:00 a.m. class. Anything before 10:00 is going to be skipped regularly.
  • The washing machine costs more than just a quarter to run. You might have to get a job just to be able to wash your delicates.

Facts they didn't teach you at college orientation

  • The food in the dorms is all-you-can eat. That’s not  a challenge. Leave while you’re ahead, and while your pants still fit.
  • Make sure you have an internet connection before you move in. Being disconnected is not an option.
  • Spend a little extra time with your parents before saying goodbye. There’s probably an extra $20 in it for you.
  • You can buy nearly anything at the school bookstore, and it only shows up as “bookstore charge” on your school account. Skittles for everybody!
  • You can sell your books back at the end of the semester and get cash back. You can also neglect to tell your parents this important fact.
  • Your dorm room will always be either too hot or too cold, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
  • Your friends won’t go out to the bars until most people are in bed. Take a nap and set your alarm for 9:00 p.m.
  • Some organization somewhere on campus is giving out pizza at any given time.
  • Your rain boots might be cute but they don’t do crap to keep your feet dry.
  • If you find a parking spot close to your dorm, take it.  And then never leave again.
  • It’s perfectly acceptable to raid your roommate’s care package from home before he gets back from class. Those homemade cookies will go to waste otherwise.
  • Opening five different credit cards just to get the free gifts is never a good idea.

Opening 5 different credit cards just to

  • No matter which dorm you get, you’ll wish you were in a different one.
  • No one understands economics. Just remember that supply and demand are related and you should be fine.
  • Night classes go on exponentially longer than regular classes.

Hopefully these tips are useful to college freshmen everywhere.  And hey, if any of you are still reading this, can you grab me some Skittles from the bookstore?

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Other places you can find me on the internet this week

I Sleep With Teenage Boys

Goodbye Summer

How wineries are just like strip clubsMost adults have spent at least one day and/or night of their lives experiencing the debauchery of too much alcohol and too may scantily clad women dancing to bad music.  Oh, and they’ve also been to a strip club too.

Wineries and strip clubs are a lot more similar than we’d care to admit, and not just because both typically result in a marital argument and someone sleeping/passing out on the couch.

Since it’s the season for wineries, and it’s always the season for strip clubs, I thought it would be a perfect time to point out the ways wineries are exactly like strip clubs.  Exactly.

1. Everyone ends up dancing to hair bands from the 80s

From Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me” to Erasure’s “Respect,” you’ll rock out to jams from the best decade ever.

2. Bad decisions are made at both places.

One involves an entire block of cheese and the other involves blocking out the memory of that one less-than-attractive dancer.

Reason #3 for why wineries are like (1)3. Someone ends up showing their ass…or boobs…or both.

This is not specific just to women. People at both places tend to be equal opportunity flashers.

4. You leave both with regrets.

…and with something sticky on your hands.

5. Neither have enough restrooms.

…which is why someone always ends up “watering the bushes.”

6. Both places have bottle service

One just costs a little more and comes with a lap dance.

7. You don’t want to be barefoot at either place, but you always end up that way.

It’s a phenomenon no one can explain.

8. The ride to and from the location is always hazy.

This is probably for the best because both are off the beaten path.

9. Someone always leaves in tears.

It’s usually a woman.

Reason # 10 wineries are like strip10. There’s a constant danger of stepping in vomit.

The only difference is the strip club vomit has remnants of the day-old buffet.

11. You end up spending much more than you intend to.

It always seems like a good idea to buy an entire case of wine because you might “need it later.”  You also typically feel bad for the previously mentioned ugly stripper, so you do your best to fund her college education via tips.

12. You’d prefer to forget what transpired there, and you usually do.

Alcohol is a beautiful thing because it makes you do stupid things and then makes you forget said stupid things. It’s why it’s so wonderful.

Now, get to planning your day trip to the wineries followed by your night trip to the strip club.  It’s family fun for everyone and you’ll barely notice you’re in a different place.

Cheers!

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Where else you can find me this week

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Pool

Top 10 Excuses To Get Out Of Exercise

What Marriage Vows Really Mean

If Humans Were More Like Dogs

A Helpful Guide For North West On How To Deal With A Horrible Name

A Guide To Packing For A Weekend In Las Vegas

what every couple gets but doesn't ask forAnyone who got married and had a gift registry knows that not all wedding gifts are welcome.  Sure, it’s nice to get a gift, but not when it’s a used decorative plate with a rooster on it that’s painted like a zebra.

True story.  I got that for a wedding gift…and the outside of the plate was painted like a snake.

The most puzzling thing to me about gift giving for wedding couples is they’ve done all of the work for you, so why not take advantage of that?

I love the wedding registry, especially when I can order a gift from the comfort of my couch.  I’m not required to wear a bra there.

photo credit: fensterbme via photopin cc

photo credit: fensterbme via photopin cc

Why every wedding guest doesn’t buy off the registry blows my mind.  The happy couple equips guests with everything they need to know to buy them exactly what they want.

From the exact store to the precise aisle to the actual SKU number, couples go to a lot of trouble to tell guests exactly what they want to see wrapped up in a bow on their special day.

Could it get any easier?  Apparently so.

I’m amazed how many people give gifts that aren’t included on the registry.  I can’t imagine why Great Aunt Nell would know what a 30-year-old woman she hasn’t seen in 25 years would want, but apparently it’s a cross-stitched pillow with her name spelled wrong.

photo credit: Katsunojiri via photopin cc

photo credit: Katsunojiri via photopin cc

I also can’t fathom why the groom’s boss thinks he needs a shaving kit instead of those gardening shears he asked for.

Because I’ve experienced these issues first hand, I’ve made a list of items I received that weren’t on my registry.  I have a feeling these items are universally received by couples everywhere.

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

1.  Vases

I’m not sure why newlyweds would need the amount of vases that come from gift-giving wedding guests.

Don’t they know that giving flowers occurs before the marriage and the wedding effectively stops that from occurring regularly in the future?

If my husband decides to give me flowers, and he really does, he  buys a bouquet at the grocery store when he’s picking up a gallon of milk.  It’s where financially prudent men purchase flowers.

Granted those don’t come with a vase; just rubber bands and plastic wrap.  However, when that happens I only need just one vase; not the 17 that I received as wedding gifts that are currently in my basement.

Those 17 vases will go unused, most likely until I can come up with an occasion to re-gift them.

MP9003416872.  Picnic baskets

Who goes on a picnic anymore?  They’re only done in romantic comedies, and even then Sandra Bullock seems reluctant.

What couple decides to prepare finger foods, package them up, gather silverware, cups, napkins, a blanket, sunscreen, bug spray and wine, and then trek across town to a park to sit on the same grass that’s in their backyard?

No one I know.

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

3. Candlesticks

Unless it’s the 1600s, there’s no reason the modern couple would need candlesticks.  If the power goes out, there’s these new things called flashlights.  They provide light without dripping wax on your carpet.

If a guest really wants to give a good gift, they should consider a flashlight with an extra set of batteries.

Even there is a time when the power goes out and the happy couple’s flashlight doesn’t work for some reason, there’s a good chance the bride has several scented candles in varying shapes, sizes and scents; all of which come in a glass jar.

If someone is dead set on giving the gift of light, might I suggest lightbulbs?

photo credit: kevin dooley via photopin cc

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4.  Picture frames

Although every couple needs picture frames to fill their house, sometimes that “house” is a studio apartment that barely fits a couch and a dirty recliner.

Fifty picture frames just aren’t necessary.

Granted, The Dollar Store has a wide array of picture frames for only a buck, but since those frames don’t come in a box and each one has a $1 sticker on the front of it, the couple is most likely going to figure out the guest spent $7.00 on their wedding gift….while the couple spent $27 on his food and at least $50 on beer for him at the reception.

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5.  Champagne flutes

I don’t know many couples who regularly drink champagne.  Then again, I’m not that fancy.  In my experience, if a couple is entertaining guests, they’re usually serving PBR or whatever beer was on sale that week.

Although I like to think people are sophisticated, I suspect the only time most people drink champagne at home is when they have mimosas.  Even then, the champagne flutes are far too small.  They should drink out of plastic cups they got from the local pizza joint…just like the rest of us.

Hopefully this list will help those gift givers present the couple with things they actually want.

For any of you needing to buy a wedding gift, might I suggest sticking to the registry?

If you can’t do that, and you know if you go to the store  you’ll buy them the “perfect” item from the clearance bin, consider this: Do you know what makes newlyweds happier than getting a gift?

Cash.

jumping off diving board**This post is syndicated with The Levison Group and originally appeared in various publications across the U.S.**

It’s summertime and the living’s easy. Well, maybe the living isn’t easy but it’s definitely summertime.

Summer is my favorite time of year and lounging at the pool is one of my favorite pastimes, and not just because there’s a great concession stand. However, I can never escape my legal tendencies, even at the pool, and every year when I go I think about the legalities behind it.

People undoubtedly injure themselves every year at their local swimming hole. From belly flops to slip and falls, the pool most certainly has its fair share of lawsuits.

So why is it that none of us sign a waiver when we’re admitted? Obviously the pool hasn’t hired me as their lawyer because if it did it would require everyone to sign a waiver before accessing the pool.

I’ve thought about what it should include, and here is my proposed waiver.

  • I agree not to run at the pool. I’m not sure why I would run around the pool as it’s all the same body of water and one part isn’t any more exciting than the other.
  • I will throw away my trash from the snack bar so ant farms don’t set up camp around the only available table. I will also agree to give the rest of my pretzel with cheese to the woman who has been eying it since I sat down.
  • I will not stand on the diving board while yelling to my friends about what kind of jump to do. I will collaborate with my friends and come to a decision about the jump before approaching the board.
  • I will not bring water guns to the pool and shoot them at unsuspecting people who didn’t want to get blasted in the face with chlorine water. I’m not sure why I would bring a gun that shoots water to be used while simultaneously standing in water.

kids at pool

  • I will not shove my body into a suit from last season and parade around the pool. I will accept that I have gained a few pounds and buy the next size up.
  • I will not spray sunscreen. I will use the stuff from the bottle because the spray sunscreen is ridiculous. I’m not that lazy.
  • I will not yell at my friends across the pool about stupid stuff.
  • I will read up-to-date magazines so I can share them with other pool goers when I’m done. Everyone deserves to be caught up on the latest celebrity gossip.
  • I will not throw a tantrum like it’s the end of the world when my parents make me leave the pool. I will come back the next day. And the next.
  • I will wear shoes in the restroom, because it’s gross not to
  •  I will ignore the fact that the lifeguards are all 16 years old and weigh 100 pounds and couldn’t even save my left foot if I was drowning.

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  • If I fall asleep at the pool I won’t snore. If I do, I understand if other pool goers move my chair away from them.
  • I will not block the exit ladder in the deep end of the pool. If I’m under 10 years old I shouldn’t be in the deep end anyway.
  • I will not talk loudly on my cell phone while laying out. I realize, however, it’s acceptable to do so only if I discuss juicy gossip on the phone and then let other pool goers in on the details.
  • I will not ask my friends whether that was a good cannon ball. It’s a cannon ball. There’s no skill.

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Maybe this waiver wouldn’t deter these behaviors from happening at the pool, but it would at least give a basis to kick people out for their idiotic behavior. Then again, if people were kicked out for violating these rules, there would be no one but me left at the pool. Come to think of it, that wouldn’t be so bad.

Hey local pool, call me.

The real pool rules

-I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause-I’ve never been big into Christmas at all, so Christmas songs are just not my jam.

Fortunately, I’m using this post as an excuse to feature photos of random dogs in Santa gear.  That is totally my jam.

It’s not that I hate Christmas, it’s just that I don’t feel the Christmas spirit people talk about, unless that Christmas spirit is feeling drunk.  Then I totally get that feeling.  I get that year-round.

Don’t get me wrong, I love getting gifts, so please don’t interpret my lack of enthusiasm as a suggestion you don’t need to give me a gift.

Quite the contrary. I need gifts to cheer me up around the holidays because Lord knows the Christmas songs don’t do it.

The other day I was somewhere unwillingly being subjected to Christmas cheer when I heard the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”  I’ve found that song annoying for decades but I’ve never really stopped to think about the lyrics.

They’re creepy.  It’s just a super creepy song.

photo credit: Doxieone via photopin cc

photo credit: Doxieone via photopin cc

You already know it’s a song about a kid spying on his mom while she’s dry humping Santa, but I’m going to take it that extra step and break it down for you line-by-line. Don’t worry, I’m going to add my commentary and the questions I have for the kid.

Okay, so he doesn’t technically say he sees them dry humping, but we all know the score.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.”

—-you saw your mom kissing a mythical creature and all you thought to do was write lyrics to a lame song? You didn’t try to snap a photo with your iPhone or use the nanny-camera to record it?  You wrote a song?  Really?

Someone has been watching a little too much Glee.

How do you know it was Santa that your mom was kissing? Lets not jump to conclusions that Santa is stepping out on Mrs. Claus.  Do you have any solid evidence to support the assertion?  Of course you don’t.  You were too lazy to even  SnapChat a picture of this alleged embrace.

Let’s not give Santa the stigma of being a ladies man unless you can back it up with a poorly recorded video.

photo credit: DaPuglet via photopin cc

photo credit: DaPuglet via photopin cc

As for your mom…well…it’s not that shocking that she was caught getting a little naughty during the holidays.  Let’s just say this isn’t her first go-around under the mistletoe.

Which begs the next question. How the hell do you know what a mistletoe looks like? How old are you?!

I’m in my 30s and I’m not sure I could identify a mistletoe, yet you spotted one with your laser vision from across the room?

You’re a weird kid.

She didn’t see me creep
down the stairs to have a peep

—creep is right. You’re a creepy kid who is most definitely going to turn into a peeping Tom.  Given this behavior at such a young age, I’m confident you’re going to grow up to be one of those men who wears garter belts under his work pants and complains that your cats don’t tell you enough that you’re pretty.

Stop creeping on your mom and go back to bed.

photo credit: jdlasica via photopin cc

photo credit: jdlasica via photopin cc

She thought that I was tucked
up in my bedroom fast asleep.”

—that’s where you should be, you spoiled little brat. Don’t you understand what bedtime means? It doesn’t mean “spy on your mom.”

It means you secretly go online and watch episodes of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and look for shots of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s belly button.  That’s what normal boys do!

Why do you have to bother your mom while she’s in the throes of passion?  She’s just trying to get her grove back after shooting out a bunch of kids who don’t know how to follow some simple fricking directions and go to bed when they’re told to.

Maybe Mama wants some “bedtime” of her own. Ever think of that, creeper?

photo credit: AndrewC75 via photopin cc

photo credit: AndrewC75 via photopin cc

Maybe if you weren’t hyped up on energy drinks you wouldn’t have the jitters and could go to bed like a normal human being.

Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus”

—yeah…tickle. That’s what you saw. Just an innocent game of “tickle.” Totally.

Underneath his beard so snowy white”

—I’m not sure what you’re referring to when you say “underneath his beard” but whatever it is, it’s probably nothing someone your age needs to see.

If by “beard” you mean pants, them yeah, she was probably tickling him real nice-like under his “beard.”

Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”

photo credit: komehachi888 via photopin cc

photo credit: komehachi888 via photopin cc

—yeah. Daddy finds infidelity hysterical, especially when it’s done in the house he works 70 hours a week to pay for. It’s a real laugh out-loud moment, especially when Daddy finds an extra “beard” balled up on the floor next to the Christmas tree.

Had Daddy seen what was going on, he wouldn’t have gotten a laugh. What he would have gotten was his 12 gauge shotgun and given Santa 10 seconds to put his “beard” back on and leave the premises before the “Stand your ground” rule was enforced.

Daddy is not a fan of gun control…or of mommy whoring it up.

I wish there were more verses to this jolly tune, but the kid who wrote it probably had ADD and moved his focus away from his slut-bag mom and onto the shape of his thumbnail.

Had he not been sidetracked, I suspect the next verse would be about seeing Daddy bitch-slap Mommy and pistol whip Santa Claus.

Somehow, that’s just not as catchy as the original lyrics.

DISCLAIMER:  Yes, I know the song is supposed to suggest that she was really kissing his dad.  I’m not an idiot.  I just like to believe Mommy is getting a little on the side.  

NKOTBI’ve always loved New Kids On The Block (or NKOTB for those of you into abbreviations).  But then again, who doesn’t?

An all American boy band who wears t-shirts with cartoon strips and Bill Cosby inspired sweaters?  <swoon>

Five boys who know how to hit a high C like they’re making sweet love to it?  <swoon again>

Throw in some lightly feathered mullets and the dream weavers perched on a precariously low traffic light only to randomly pose for a photo for their album cover?

<triple swoon>

The album cover on the right is my favorite, and not just because it highlights the fact Jordan has enough eyebrow hair to weave a blanket for the homeless.  That’s just an added bonus.

Rather, this cover perfectly captures why I break for NKOTB.  I mean, what’s not to love about this?! (Aside from Joey McIntyre’s high waisted mom jeans.  Really Jo Jo?)

photo credit: marcia.furman via photopin cc

photo credit: marcia.furman via photopin cc

This photo demands respect. I challenge anyone not to give props to Donnie with that sassy hand on his hip. Those geometric patterns on his sweet cotton sweater says he’s good in art class but he also knows how to unhook a girl’s training bra with the flip of his Swatch-adorned arm.

<swoon again>

Let’s not forget about Jordan.  In this picture he looks like he was being goosed by someone passing by.  Perhaps he was.  If so, it was most likely a pedestrian who actually wanted to use the traffic signal to cross the street and didn’t appreciate 5 pubescent boys mounting it for the camera.

What about Jonathan Knight?  He barely made it into the photo, but that’s okay.  His boldly striped t-shirt/sweatshirt combo made him halfway visible, which is all he ever wanted.

The biggest question I have about this cover, aside from why the police didn’t shut down the photo shoot that was undoubtedly interfering with traffic, is why Danny in the center of this photo.

Seriously, why?

This is me and one of my besties at the NKOTB concert this year.  I swooned (and sweated) a lot.

This is me and one of my besties at the NKOTB concert this year. I swooned (and sweated) a lot.

That’s one mystery I’ve never solved, and I’ve spent countless hours drooling staring at this cassette tape.

This album cover is what made me first fall in love with these wacky kids, and 25 years later, I still want to kick it with the New Kids.  If only I could. As one of the greatest bands of all time, NKOTB still knows how to put a skip in my step and a throb in my loins.  (Well, all of them but Danny.)

Naturally, when I found out there was a NKOTB cruise, I knew I had to get in on it.  Or just physically get on it.  On the boat.  Not on the guys.  (Unless they’re into that sort of thing.)

Unfortunately, my dream of sailing the high seas while hitting high Cs (and drinking Hi-C) was not to be.  Cruising with the New Kids sold out in 3 minutes flat, and I’m not talking about a B flat.

Sadly, I wasn’t one of the lucky girls to get a ticket.  I can’t say I’m not devastated.  I could, but I’d be lying.

photo credit: Corey Ann via photopin cc

photo credit: Corey Ann via photopin cc

What was so perfect about the cruise was it was in “Summertime” which is my favorite time of year.  That, coupled with the fact those boys have “The Right Stuff” to get a “Block Party” going, makes me a sad girl.

I guess I shouldn’t be too upset about missing it.  I’m sure it’s just a bunch of “Cover Girl“(s) going, and I don’t want to be a part of that.

However, I’m considering approaching one of the lucky ticket holders and asking her to sell me her ticket.  Maybe I should be upfront and just ask her to “Please Don’t Go Girl.” Who knows?  It might work.  Stranger things have happened.

After all, Danny got married.

I’ve always been such a super fan of theirs, and I’ve supported their entire career.  “Didn’t I?” I know if I went on the cruise they’d “Treat Me Right” and we’d have a great time.  I’m probably even become their “Favorite Girl.”

Maybe they’ll have another cruise and I can get tickets for that one.  I will remain optimistic.

Until then, I will take it “Step by Step” and stay “Hangin’ Tough” until the new cruise date is announced.  I’m hoping I can go the next time around, as “I like the remix (baby).

I’m sad I can’t go, but “Whatcha Gonna Do About It?”

To my dearest New Kids, please plan another cruise.  I promise “I’ll Be Loving You (Forever).

This is me drinking beer at the NKOTB concert in June 2013. I've dreamed of this moment since the 6th grade.

This is me drinking beer at the NKOTB concert in June 2013. I’ve dreamed of this moment since the 6th grade.

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No dog ingested beer or alcohol in conjunction with this photo or this post.
photo credit: Amarand Agasi via photopin cc

Dear beer,

I know I ‘m the last person you’re expecting to hear from.  Normally, my heart (and my liver) belong to vodka.  He’s always been my one true love and I’ve never hidden that fact from you.

I’ve passed you up a million times before last night.  I’ve walked right by you at bars, at parties, and even at BBQs.

I feel a little guilty about that but you’ve never been what I needed and I’ve never felt a desire to stray from my betrothed…until now.

Maybe it’s your curves, or maybe it’s your intoxicating smell, but something changed.  I’m finding myself drawn to you and I’m not sure why.

Maybe I’m getting tired of vodka.  He’s never been a cruel mistress (or mister), but perhaps I’m bored with him.

The alcohol is always colder on the other side of the bar.”

Isn’t that what they always say?

Maybe it’s true.  I’m not sure, but what I do know is I’m finding myself wondering what it would be like to spend more time with you and I’m wondering why we haven’t been closer before.

Sure, it’s most likely my fault.  You’re more than available.  I never have a hard time finding you at a sporting event, a wedding reception, or even the grocery store.

You’re not elusive like my dear vodka.  You’re everywhere.  I suspect that’s what pushed me away from you before.

But now…now it’s different.

beerI had a temporary moment of weakness last night and I gave into my urges and I just wanted to tell you thank you.  Thank you for last night. I had such an amazing time.

You were incredible.

Especially now that I know what we can be together, I’m sorry I initially resisted the urge to see you, but I’m glad I caved to peer pressure.

I had a long day yesterday and needed to relax. All the other beverages told me not to turn to you, which was mostly the cause for my hesitation.

They said you wouldn’t treat me right.

My stomach even chimed in, saying you were too rough on her sometimes.  She’s finicky so I didn’t take her pleas too seriously.

Dear beerVodka screamed the loudest.  He can be a needy sonofabitch.

Like the ever controlling paramour, he tried to point out that sometimes you make me feel like I hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

I promptly reminded him that feeling doesn’t come until the morning after we hang out, and it’s only if I spend a lot of time with you.  I told him I wouldn’t do that.

Just a taste.  That was all.  We both knew I was lying, but it was a lie I was willing to make.

Don’t get me wrong. Vodka has his faults too.  He can be bitter at times, and he doesn’t always get along with my stomach.

Then again, no one does, especially since my evil gallbladder Stan tried to kill me.

Either way, I knew I didn’t need bitter last night.  I just needed you.

I practically ran to your cold embrace, holding you ever-so-tightly by the neck.  I know that’s how you like to be held.

Don’t deny it.

Our time together was perfect, and although we had to part too soon, I want you to know I will cherish what we shared.

I’m looking forward to our next get-together.

Love Lisa