ninja momChildrens’ books are often annoying and ridiculous; especially when read five times every night. Every.  Fricking.  Night.

So in order to help us to cope with these obnoxious tales, Nicole Leigh Shaw of Ninja Mom Blog has a Character Assassination Carousel over at http://www.ninjamomblog.com/ that makes it all better.  It’s a monthly murder of a children’s book by mockery.  Don’t worry, it’s a clean kill, so there’s no messy clean up.

Each month a new assassin takes his/her best shot at a ridiculous children’s book.  Last month Social Butterfly Mom mocked “Yankee Doodle” and did an excellent job.  You can find it here. http://www.chicagonow.com/social-butterfly-mom/2014/07/character-assassination-carousel-yankee-doodle/

This month, I’m mocking “Whats Up In The Attic?”

Yeah, I know.  There’s a lot of material so let’s get started

 

maybe we don't want to know...We all know Bert and Ernie from their rubber ducky antics in the bathtub. Unfortunately, that’s not the way anyone wants to become famous, but them’s the breaks.  When you’re so obsessed with a rubber toy that you make a song out of it, you’re bound to turn some heads.

Many of those heads simply turn away because they don’t like seeing a puppet in a bathtub.

Looking back through the other assassinated books from The Carousel, I noticed Bert and Ernie and their bathing fetish weren’t represented adequately.

I’ve decided to right that wrong by making this month’s assassinated characters the infamous Bert and Ernie themselves (sans bubbles).

I chose “What’s Up In The Attic?” as the book I’m going to brutally rip apart this week.  There are many reasons I chose this literary wonder, but mostly because it makes it so easy to make this next joke about Bert and Ernie:

Why are you guys looking at what’s in the attic? Shouldn’t you guys be looking in the closet?

BOOM!  Yes, I picked this book solely to make that joke, but it was worth it.  Totally.  Worth.  It.

This assassination is done by the mother reading the book to her kids, so it’s told from her point of view.  Fortunately for you, you can enjoy it without the smell of moth balls assaulting your nostrils.

Enjoy!

You guys need to find something to do today because it’s a rainy day and you’re driving me nuts.  Yes, the cable is out because of the storm (or because I forgot to pay the bill.  Both are equally logical explanations).

Regardless, you need to make your own adventure today, but not in a way that destroys my living room.

Because I need to get something from the attic, and because I want to wear you guys out, I’ll take you with me. I know reading this book to you isn’t going to tire you sufficiently, so let’s go up to our attic and see what we can find there.

We’ll read the book as we go.  Just don’t touch anything, and please, for the love of God, don’t put anything in your mouths.  Got it?

“What’s that in this box?” you ask.  It’s a box of mommy’s skimpy bar-hopping clothes from before she had kids…or inhibitions.  These short skirts helped mommy pay for college because she always drank for free at the clubs.

Oddly enough, these clothes directly contributed to your arrival on this earth.

Those?  Those are Daddy’s magazines that Mommy won’t let him look at.  He doesn’t want to part with them so Mommy pretends not to know he has them up here.  Let’s keep that a secret.

Yes, there’s an old crusty t-shirt in with those magazines. Don’t ask and DON’T touch it.

Be careful of what else is up here: Spiders. A shit ton of spiders. Don’t try to befriend them. Some of them are mean and none of them are as nice as Charlotte from “Charlotte’s Web.”

Wait. What are you—did I not just tell you to stay away from them? And those are spider webs not cotton candy. Get down from there. Jesus!

Oh that? That’s mommy’s stash of candy that she keeps away from everyone. Oh shit. Yes, that is cotton candy but it’s not yours.

That pink stuff on the ground?  That’s insulation, at least a little bit of it. Daddy needs to get on this project and add a lot more up here.  Mommy has been telling him to do it for a year.  This fluffy pink stuff that’s super thin is why mommy doesn’t let you open the door during when the air conditioning is on.

Are you—-are you seriously trying to eat the insulation? It’s not cotton candy! NOTHING UP HERE IS COTTON CANDY!

You know what?  Let’s look at the book.  It says Ernie found some of his marbles.  If you ask me, he lost those marbles years ago and finding them in a raccoon’s hat isn’t going to bring them back.  That guy had WAY too much fun with the rubber ducky, with or without his marbles.

photo credit: buckofive via photopin cc

photo credit: buckofive via photopin cc

Plus, I bet that crap is SUPER dusty.

Look.  We have marbles up here just like Ernie.  Are you?  Are you seriously putting those marbles in your mouth?

What are you laughing at?  Those are pictures of mommy when her boobs didn’t look like socks with tennis balls in them and she couldn’t carry a trapper keeper in the crease between her leg and butt.

Yes, her hair looks funny, mostly because she wasn’t trying to pull it out because of kids trying to eat…damnit!

STOP WITH THE COTTON CANDY.

Let’s look back to the book again.  Oh look! Bert found a pigeon feather.

I’m not even going to comment on the disease that probably accompanies that feather or the crazy reason he felt it necessary to save a pigeon feather for years.

Bert may be a little deranged so let’s not pay attention to anything he finds.  I’m afraid there are other dead animal parts.

Let’s look back at our attic.  What are those?  Those are boxes of mommy’s school stuff. Ignore the red writing and all the Cs that are written on the papers. When I was a kid a C was an A and I was an overachiever. Reach for the stars.

Okay, the book is over and Bert and Ernie are dragging all the crap they found down to their house and using it to decorate.  You, however, are not allowed to bring anything downstairs.

Me?  Oh, don’t mind me.  I’m just grabbing one of these old miniskirts.  It’s for Daddy.

Just want to be alone 3dAs many of you know, my husband is hilarious, even though most of the time it isn’t intentional.  Aside from making us all laugh with his insightful comments, he’s helped me become published in another book!

Believe it or not, I was selected by the amazingly wonderful Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat to be part of her newest book, “I Just Want to Be Alone,” which is a follow up to her successful “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

I know.  I can’t believe it either.

It’s a humor book about the men in our lives and the funnier parts of being in a relationship.

The good news is that although it comes out on March 22, 2014,  you can pre-order a copy now.

You can get the Kindle version or the paperback version, or both because you love me and want to have access to my musings wherever you go.

pay no attentionTo pre-order, go now and spend the best few bucks you’ll ever spend.  You’ll thank me for it.  I promise.

Kindle: click here

Paperback:  click here

*The links for Nook, iTunes, and Smashwords will be updated after the book is released on March 22nd.*

Who else is in the book?  Some awesomely funny ladies, many of whom I have blog crushes on.  Check them out!

And thank you to each of you.  I wouldn’t have the confidence to continue to write if you weren’t so supportive of me.

I love knowing I make you laugh and that means everything to me.

Here are the funny ladies!

People I Want To Punch In The Throat

Baby Sideburns

Moms Who Drink and Swear

AK Turner

Bad Parenting Moments

Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Diva

The Ugly Volvo

Let Me Start By Saying

Motherhood WTF?

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Frugalista Blog

Toulouse and Tonic

Nicole Leigh Shaw

Somewhat Sane Mom

My Life Suckers

The Mom of the Year

Hollow Tree Ventures

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

Funny is Family

Abby Has Issues

Kissing the Frog

Nurse Mommy Laughs

Our Small Moments

I’m Still Learning

The Fordeville Diaries

You’re My Favorite Today

Life on Peanut Layne

Loripalooza

I Love Them the Most When They Are Sleeping

Ironic Mom

From Meredith to Mommy

The Nomad Mom Diary

649.133: Girls, the care and maintenance of

Keeper of the Fruit Loops

Magnolia Ripkin

 

Signs it's time to clean your houseI recently fired our cleaning service.  I know, I’m impressed with myself too.  Who knew I would ever have a cleaning service?

When I was younger I WAS the cleaning service, which is all the more reason I never thought I would hire a cleaning service.

Either way, I decided to let them go.  I found myself cleaning up after them, which defeats the purpose entirely.  I already clean up after my husband and three dogs, so why throw another entity into the equation?

The problem with firing your cleaning service?  Someone has to do the cleaning.  Despite my wishes, they didn’t continue to come because they like me and my dogs.

In fact, I suspect I was charged extra because of those furry creatures.

Now that I don’t have a weekly service, I’ve started to notice some signs that my house needs to be cleaned.  Because I’m good to you, I thought I’d share with you some of those signs so you can know if you need to get that Roomba out and get your teenagers to cleaning.

  1. You start writing your grocery list on the kitchen table in dust

  2. It’s been so long since you cleaned that you forgot where you keep the products.

  3. You can no longer blame poor visibility out the windows on “just another foggy day”

  4. You’re able to make a snack from crumbs found in the couch cushions.

  5. You can’t remember what color the bathroom grout is supposed be, but you don’t think it’s gray

  6. Even the dog thinks the floor is too dirty to lay on.

  7. You’ve switched to paper plates to avoid emptying the dishwasher

  8. Your children name the dust bunnies and make them pets

If you have any of these signs, you probably need to clean your house.  If not, then you probably need to come to my house and get to cleaning.

Oh, and bring Lemon Pledge.

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Wanna see other places I’m on the web this week?  Here you go!

What Mom Says v. What Mom Means

Which of These Top 8 Kids’ Songs Is Most Annoying?

Warning Labels Every Board Game Should Come With

Top 9 Things I’ve Recently Dropped In The Toilet

This has nothing to do with my post.  I just think this photo is hilarious. http://www.flickr.com/photos/eulothg/8335096827/

This has nothing to do with my post. I just think this photo is hilarious.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/eulothg/8335096827/

It’s the new year, peeps!  That means it’s time for resolutions.  It also means I write the wrong year on everything for at least the first 2 months.

Whatever.  You take the good with the bad…or at least that’s what The Facts of Life taught us. (It also taught us that Jo was a trouble maker solely because she wore a leather jacket.)

Even though it’s a new year, I’m not making resolutions.  Instead, I’m going to continue writing funny crap all over the web.  (Emphasis on “crap.”)

I have 2 posts you need to check out immediately, but only if you want to laugh.

The first one is a list of phrases to get your husband to do that home project.  These are guaranteed to work.  For reals.

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http://www.nickmom.com/more-lols/phrases-that-will-get-your-husband-to-do-that-house-project/?xid=lisanewlin

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The second one is a list of the top 9 things I learned from John Hughes films.  It’s awesome and there’s a photo of Molly Ringwald so you know it’s legit.

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http://www.nickmom.com/more-lols/things-i-learned-from-john-hughes-movies/?xid=lisanewlin

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Enjoy them both and happy new year!  I hope to blog more in 2014, so hopefully I will continue to entertain you for another year.  If not, you can just make fun of me.

Either way, laughter shall ensue!

One of the dogs I saved...just kidding!  This is my favorite dog at the rescue shelter where I volunteer.  Isn't he perfection? http://strayrescue.org/adopt/heisenberg

One of the dogs I saved…just kidding! This is my favorite dog at the rescue shelter where I volunteer. Isn’t he perfection? http://strayrescue.org/adopt/heisenberg

Sorry I’ve been so MIA lately.  I’ve been busy saving orphans from burning buildings and pushing kittens out of the way of oncoming traffic.

No I haven’t.  I’m allergic to kittens.

Regardless of all the charitable and selfless things I’ve been doing, I’ve been splattered over the internet in other places, even if it’s not this fantastic blog you so adore and check only when you’re on the toilet or in a boring meeting.

I’ll take what I can get.

Nickmom.com still hasn’t fired me for some strange reason and continues to publish me.  Much like your proclivity to read my posts from the $h*tter, let’s not judge and just accept it for what it is.

Here’s my latest post about the similarities between juice boxes and wine.  Read it and enjoy.  NOTE:  This post is best read while enjoying wine.  Wait, all my posts are best enjoyed that way.

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http://www.nickmom.com/more-lols/similarities-between-wine-and-juice-boxes/xid=lisanewlin

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You should read her site just because she's adorable. http://www.menopausalmom.com/p/about-me.html

Isn’t she adorable?http://www.menopa
usalmom.
com/p/about-
me.html 

Here’s the other piece that has me splattered all over the internet. It’s the things I’ve learned from Sandra Bullock’s movies…and ironically, one of them is not that they’re also best served with wine.

This is posted at my friend Marcia Doyle’s hilarious page.  I aspire to her awesomeness and her waistline.

Show her some love because she also saves orphans from burning buildings.  She also likes wine.  Isn’t that enough to love her?

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http://www.menopausalmom.com/2013/12/wacky-wednesday-writers-guest-post-by.html?

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There you have it!  Places you can find me last week on the web.  You can also find me in some unfortunate videos on line as well, but I’ve done my best to bury those.  Don’t judge.  I had to pay for law school somehow…

I'm not sure that this photo has anything to do with bosses, but I thought it was awesome.  Enjoy. photo credit: danielhedrick via photopin cc

I’m not sure this photo has anything to do with bosses, but I thought it was awesome. Enjoy.
photo credit: danielhedrick via photopin cc

For some reason, Nickelodeon hasn’t fired me yet.

If only I could say as much for my first job in high school at the grocery store.

<to that boss, let me just say that no one specifically told me I couldn’t comment on people’s groceries as I rang them up.  Perhaps that’s something you should put in the handbook.> 

As of now, NickMom is still publishing me, which is ridiculously awesome.  Today I’m on their site with a fancy decoder chart of what your boss says and what he actually means.

You all know what I’m talking about.  He says one thing and means something completely different.

Fortunately for you, this fancy chart lets you decode those messages.  I’m so good to you.

Yes, you have to go to NickMom to see it.  They need to see that at least 2 people read my piece so I don’t get fired and go the way of Marc Summers.

Ohhh…do you think he’d have a job for me at “Unwrapped?”  I can unwrap food with the best of them.

Some would say I’m even a pro.  Call me, Marc!

Here’s the link to read my fancy decoder.  You know you need to read it now.

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 http://www.nickmom.com/more-lols/boss-to-human-translator/?xid=lisanewlin

 

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