I hate game nights. Seriously. I hate them. And this isn’t like one of those things where someone says “I hate that I can eat whatever I want and don’t gain weight” when what they really mean is “I love that I eat whatever I want and stay skinny while you eat nothing but celery and get fat.” (You know that person, and you want to punch her in the vagina.) No, it’s not like that at all. I genuinely hate game nights.
It’s not that I don’t like an excuse to hang out with friends and eat dip. Believe me, that’s the only thing that entices me to come to a game night. Well, that and knowing I can yell expletives at my friends and call their mothers whores and then at the end of the night we can still walk away friends…or at least I hope so.
I’m super competitive. I will do anything to be first and I’m pretty ruthless about it. Just ask the seven-year old I pushed out of the way at the grocery store when I jetted to the front of the line. (But I got there first! Sucka!)
My friend Downtown Christy Brown (not her real name) hosted a game night Saturday night. Actually, she called it “not a game night-game night” because she knew I wouldn’t come otherwise. (I also wouldn’t come if there wasn’t french onion dip. What am I? A communist?) She assured me there would be guacamole, which is the secret key to get me to do pretty much anything, so I decided to come. (Actually, it’s not a secret. If you read this blog with any regularity, you would know that guacamole is my kryptonite.)
Because of the promise of amazing dips, Matt and I headed to DTCB’s house for a night of games (or as I like to call them “friendship testers”). Please recall the last time I went to DTCB’s house, I dropped my iPhone on her driveway, shattering the face of the phone. (The lawsuit against her and her homeowner’s insurance is still pending.)
I was extremely cautious when I arrived at her house, and I maintained a death grip on my phone until I was safely inside and away from her faulty and dangerous driveway.
When we got inside we all commented about how I managed to make it indoors without breaking something. We figured the night would be a success. We didn’t know how wrong we were. (Insert ominous music here.)
After eating dinner, we all headed downstairs to begin the “not games.” Pajama Jeans (not her real name), was in rare form, which doesn’t have anything to do with the story, but she was so hilarious with her bottle of wine that I feel obligated to mention it.
I made it clear to the others that I didn’t want to play a game. To make my point clear, I went upstairs while they decided which torturous Milton Bradley creation would waste the next few hours of our lives. Leaving the room was my way of taking a stand against “not a game night-game night.” Well, it was mostly because I had to use the restroom, but also because I was taking a stand. After all, there was a bathroom in the basement that I didn’t use. Yeah. Point made.
I went into their hall restroom on the main floor, not because it was the closest, but because I liked the reading material in there. (Did you know that in 1979 a woman jumped off the 86th floor of the Empire State Building only to be blown back onto the 85th floor with a broken hip? Yeah. Now you see why I use her hall bathroom.)
I used the facilities and stood up to flush the toilet (because I’m an amazingly thoughtful guest). I pulled down on the lever and the bastard broke off into my hand. WHAT?! Did I seriously just break their toilet? The toilet in their new house they’ve only had for about a month? Really? And how was I supposed to flush the toilet now?
I stood there for a moment in panic mode. I realized my purse and keys were just outside the room in the foyer. I could grab them and make a run for it. Sure, I’d abandon my husband, but he’d find his way back home eventually. He’s got a good sense of direction and his dimples would get him a ride home for sure.
I considered pretending like I didn’t do it. Maybe I could go downstairs and tell them the handle was broken when I went in there. No. I knew better than that. Although DTCB may believe some lies I tell her (like Diet Dr. Pepper tastes exactly like Dr. Pepper), she would know this one immediately. I had to fess up. But first, I had to flush the toilet.
Because I’m a master of home improvement (and because I’ve had my fair share of toilet issues), I knew that if I removed the top of the toilet, I could manually flush it by pulling up on the flusher thing. (Yes, that’s the technical term for it.) I located the flusher thing, pulled up on it, and heard the toilet begin to flush.
As I raised my hands to clap and congratulate myself for being so awesome, I brushed something in the tank. Apparently the thing I brushed was important…and filled with water. It came unattached and sprayed water all over my arm, the wall, and the trash can. (This is the part where I really wish this blog was fiction…or at least that I was smart enough not to relay these stories).
Feeling the cold toilet water on my hand, I vomited a little in my mouth and then focused on reattaching the piece so it would stop spraying water everywhere. Fortunately, it was a quick fix and I was able to put it back together without any issues. Well, except for the part about the missing toilet flusher. That I couldn’t help.
I casually called DTCB upstairs under the guise of needing more Diet Coke. (I’m so smooth.) I then proceeded to show her what I did. As a token of my guilt, I slowly handed her the broken handle. She accepted it and then we laughed for five minutes before returning downstairs to join our friends.
Fortunately, this broken toilet issue hasn’t affected our friendship, and DTCB and I are as good as we’ve ever been. However, I’m pretty sure her home owner’s insurance is going to ban me from their house permanently. Honestly, it’s not a bad idea…