WARNING: Please leave this page immediately and do not read this post if you are any of the following:
1. Incapable of understanding sarcasm. (This is a biggie!)
2. Planning on leaving me a mean comment about how horrible of a person I am. I’m a lawyer. I already know I’m a horrible person.
3. Planning on leaving me a message with improper grammar, spelling, and/or punctuation. Note: if you are leaving me a nice and funny message, then I totally overlook the grammar stuff.
4. Planning on calling me profane names. That’s why I have a mother-in-law.
5. Planning on leaving a hateful message on another post of mine where comments are allowed. Yes, you’re a genius for finding that loophole, but I’m the one who gets to approve whether your comments are published. If they’re hateful, I will trash them upon the first allegation of racism. I will then promptly mail you a Yani cd as punishment.
6. Own a pair of Teva sandals. This isn’t related to not wanting to read hateful comments. It’s just because…really? Do I have to explain why?
For those of you who pass these tests, you’re obviously awesome so read away!
Really. This is not a rhetorical question. What’s the etiquette? Does Emily Post have any recommendations for this? I suspect in her high-fallootin’ society, she may not come across many belly dancers. She should. Maybe she wouldn’t be so uptight.
Like anyone really wants to read an Emily Post book about how to properly eat soup at an afternoon tea. Who wants soup at an afternoon tea? Who wants to even attend an afternoon tea? Is it Long island Iced Tea? If so, I could be persuaded to attend, but not if I have to speak properly, sit up straight or use the proper spoon. I’m also thinking a bra would be a requirement, and one I just can’t justify.
So what is the protocol for when a belly dancer dances at a restaurant during your dinner? I ask only because this happened recently and I had no idea how to handle the situation. Thus, I look to you: my sophisticated readers. Lord knows I didn’t know what to do other than hand her a brochure for a respected technical college in the area.
Recently, we attended a birthday party at a restaurant when the token belly dancer approached our table. No, we weren’t at a strip club, although it’s a valid question. Rather, we were at a great Greek restaurant, where a woman dances every Friday and Saturday night while patrons eat and try not to curse her for lack of belly fat. She sashees around from table to table, flipping her hips and making me uncomfortable.
Is belly button lint really that appetizing?
Apparently so, as this restaurant has been doing this for years. I just never know what to do, so I usually bail to the restroom when I see her dancing our way, and try to Google “what do you do when someone belly dances at your table?”
Don’t Google this, my dear reader, especially in Google Images. You don’t want to know what it reveals…especially when you’re in a bathroom stall that smells like air freshener and humus-inspired excrement. Just an FYI.
But really, what should I do? Where do I look? I don’t want to look directly at her, but is it rude if I don’t watch? Will she be offended? Is she paid per view? I don’t want to cut into her rent money.
But if I do look at her, do I look her in the eye? I feel like I’m shaming her when I do that. Like I’m saying “Did the nail technician thing not work out? You can do so much more than this.” Wait…that might be the actual words I said to her. I can’t remember. The sangria was flowing.
What?! It was a par-tay after all. Did I want to slap the birthday girl in the face by not living it up? (I may have done that too. The pictures aren’t back yet. For now, I will adamantly deny it.)
Do I look at her abs? I feel like I should. She’s a belly dancer, after all. I guess she wants us to look, but then I feel like a creeper with a fetish. How long do you look? What if I stare too long? Not long enough? Do I ask her about her ab workout regimen? Not that I would follow it. I’m just wondering if I should ask.
It’s so stressful.
Are the belly dancers the classy version of strippers? Are they shunned by strippers? Do they start on the pole and then move their way up to the belly circuit? Is the belly dancing gig the glass ceiling of dancing gigs?
I have so many questions and so little answers. Unfortunately, the belly dancer of the evening, who I named Natasha, wasn’t keen on my questions, probably because I was shouting them out above the music. Whatever. I have an inquisitive mind.
I think her name was Sandra. Whatevs. She’ll always be Natasha to me.
But seriously, your insight is needed. We are returning to this restaurant this weekend and I need to know if I should wear my sunglasses at night so I can…so I can….(just like Corey Hart.)