Dear iphone (2)Dear iPhone 6,

I haven’t met you yet but I feel like I already know you.  Your father and I have been anxiously awaiting your arrival and can’t wait to bring you home to be with your older iPhone brothers and sisters.

We’ve read all the literature on how to be the best iPhone 6 parents we can be and we’re hoping you’re a good addition to our home.  We’re so happy to be bringing another Apple product into our family.  You’ll feel right at home with your older siblings the iPods, the iPad and the other iPhones.  We know you’re the newest edition and with that comes a change in how to handle you.

We’ve never had a phablet before, and the experts say that’s what you will be.  We’re not exactly sure how to take care of a phablet, but we’re willing to learn, and our experience with your siblings has taught us what to expect with any new addition.

Will we be disappointed in you?  Of course.  We always are whenever a new Apple product comes out.  We know it should be a happy time when a new addition graces our family but in the past, it’s been our experience that those first several weeks are usually a let-down.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ll still defend you to our other friends who aren’t cool enough to have a new iPhone 6 like you.  We’ll rave about how wonderful you are and how you’ve practically replaced everything that matters in our lives.  But deep down?  Deep down we’ll know you were a disappointment.

In those first few months we will have to take you to experts fairly regularly.  Even if you come into this world completely healthy, the chances are strong, based upon our experience with your siblings, that we will spend many hours standing in line waiting to see the guy or girl in the blue shirt.  That person will look down on us for not understanding how to properly care for you, but that’s always how it is, so we won’t be overly shocked or offended.  That person will also speak to us in a condescending tone as if we’re the ones who are experts in the care and operation of iPhones.

Once again, we will stand strong and ignore how we’re treated, all because we care about you and want you to be free of viruses.

We know that we will most certainly have to purchase insurance for you, as you will require many visits to the experts in the first few months of your existence.  The insurance is ridiculously expensive but it’s necessary if we’re going to go out on a limb and add another sibling to our already large family.

We also know that we will probably be forced to get a newer version of you, thereby adding yet another sibling to the family.  If experience is any guide, we’ll have to continue to expand our family due to the large amount of bugs and viruses that can take over a new device.

But for now we’re excited.  We’re excited to see you and see what you can do for us. We know you’ll be a disappointment and will cost us a lot of money up-front, but we also know we can’t wait to get you, mostly because then we’ll look cool to all of our friends.

Looking forward to meeting you!

Love,

Your future parents

90sAs many of you know, the unauthorized “Saved By The Bell” behind-the-scenes movie premiered on tvt.  You know it’s a totally accurate and legit movie because it premiered on Lifetime; the most well-respected of all networks.  After all, it’s television for women. You can’t go wrong with a network like that, right?

I cut my ties with cable a few months ago so I haven’t yet seen what promises to be an epic disappointment, but I can only imagine how delightfully horrible this movie really is.

The term “movie” is used loosely here, as I’m familiar with Lifetime’s other “works” including such titles as “I’m Sick Of Being Beaten Up” and “Raped At 16.”

Okay, I don’t know if those are actually the names of movies they aired but I suspect they are.

Since this movie is airing some of  “Saved By The Bell’s” potentially true secrets, I think other shows from the 90s should follow suit.  I’m sure Lifetime agrees with me there.

So in the spirit of pushing production along, I’ve come up with some shows from the 90s that need to be made into exposes.  Here’s a few along with the title of the movie.

“Who’s The Boss?”

What was really behind that epic battle…and who won.

“The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”

He was neither fresh nor a prince.

“Blossom”

What the hell was up with that hat?

“Alf”

Lovable puppet or cat serial killer?

“Full House”

How 3 dudes lived in a house with 3 kids and never got reported to Child Services

“The Nanny”

Earplugs: The key to survival on set

“The Drew Carey Show”

Apparently Cleveland rocks

“Friends”

…with benefits

“Hey Dude”

Denim’s most embarrassing decade

“Lambchop’s Play Along”

Anyone up for a gyro?

“Baywatch”

They didn’t wear pants when they were offscreen either

Okay, did I get them all?  Which ones did I forget? Let me know.

And if any of you have cable, please DVR the “Saved By The Bell”  movie. I’ll need to watch and I can’t do it at my house.

I’ll bring the beer.

Why you shouldn't watch theEveryone is all a titter about the many “50 Shades of Grey” trailers and teasers.  People are getting their panties in a wad, and then promptly throwing them on the floor.

The trailers are intended to make us salivate for the new movie, but all some of them do do is remind us why we hate car commercials and bad song remakes.

Click here to see it.  Think twice.  Seriously.

The entire trailer is set to a version of “Wicked Game” that will make you want to poke your eyes out, which is just as good, because then you wouldn’t have to watch the rest of the teaser.

Most of it is varying shots of expensive items like watches and cars.  It looks like a commercial for cheap cologne where the horrible stench actually permeates your screen and punches you in the face.

Come to think of it, you deserve that punch if you continue watching this trailer for more than a minute.

In this specific trailer there are numerous close-up shots of a sports car, which makes you think it’s a car commercial, but then you realize those have more excitement than this trailer brings.

The few shots of the actors are often blurry, which is probably for the best, as they reveal absolutely nothing about the plot.

If I hadn’t subjected myself to reading this poorly written book, I’d have no idea what the movie was about.

Come to think of it, that’s probably why it’s done this way.  I don’t know how else they would convey “This book was pure sh*t” better than making a trailer promoting expensive items and luxury.

With that said, will I go see the movie?  Duh.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Where else I’m on the web this week

Want to see a real back-to-school shopping list that’s way more accurate?  This is what you should buy this year.

Robin Williams’ suicide inspired me to talk about the suicide attempt I’ve never discussed

Your favorite PSAs from the 90s!

A serious piece about the Michael Brown Shootings and Ferguson Riots

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

I love infomercials.  I used to deny it but now I’m embracing it.  How better to waste an hour of your day than watching actors pretend to be frustrated with things that rarely cause frustration?

I had no idea it took a long time to remove screws with a screwdriver, or that doing so caused stress, sweating and fatigue.

Thank goodness there’s now a SpeedOut that removes those pesky screws quickly.  After all, we wouldn’t want to take the normal 15 seconds to do so.

Because I’m an infomercial junkie, I’ve composed a list of my five favorite “As Seen On TV” products. These are simultaneously the best and worst ideas ever.

photo credit: Vermin Inc via photopin cc

photo credit: Vermin Inc via photopin cc

The Pocket Hose

The last time I heard of a pocket gadget it certainly wasn’t a hose.  (Quite the opposite, actually.)  Either way, I can’t think of a single place I would go where I would need a hose in my back pocket.

If they didn’t intend for it to be placed in one’s pocket, they shouldn’t market it as something that can be worn for that “hose emergency.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been somewhere and thought “If only I had a hose in my pocket, this problem would be solved.”

I know how many times I’ve said that.  Zero.  I’ve said it zero times.

photo credit: Lawrence Whittemore via photopin <a

photo credit: Lawrence Whittemore via photopin <a

The Ninja Wallet

This is a wallet that contains 6 wrenches, 2 rulers, 4 screwdrivers, 4 openers, and a cell phone stand.  I’m not kidding.  This is in addition to money and the old condom the ninja using this wallet most certainly has.

I can understand why a ninja might need some of these tools.  Perhaps he needs one screwdriver.  But four?

This ninja is out and about and can’t figure out how to open something with only three screwdrivers?  Seems to me he’s not much of a ninja if he needs all of these tools.

photo credit: TheMarque via photopin cc

photo credit: TheMarque via photopin cc

Bullseye Pee Pads

These are for your dog, which makes them only slightly less gross.  These pads are designed with a bullseye of scents in the middle of the pad to make your dog pee there.

Apparently people have a real problem with their dogs peeing on a pad in their living room.

My quick fix to that?  Take your dog outside to pee.  It’s all the rage.

If someone is going to make a bullseye for pee, it should be to put in the toilet so my husband can get better aim.

Chocolate Cake Slice with RaspberriesDump Cakes

Yes, that’s right.  Dump Cakes.  It sounds like a college prank but apparently this item exists.  It’s a box of cake ingredients that you simply open, dump into a pan, and bake.

It’s marketed as being so much easier than making a cake from scratch.

Apparently they’ve never heard of cake mix, which involves dumping the box, adding an egg, water and oil and then baking.  If they find that’s too much work, they probably don’t need to be eating a cake.

They should take a walk around the block and eat a banana or two.

photo credit: - Annetta - via photopin cc<

photo credit: – Annetta – via photopin cc<

The Furniture Fix

This item is placed under your couch cushions when they start to sag.  It’s a set of interlocking pieces that’s supposed to provide additional support.  The pieces look exactly like 2x4s, although they probably cause less splinters.

Is this an item that’s really needed?  After all, the couch I had in college came to me saggy and stained and I had no problem passing out on that several nights a week.

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc

Perhaps technology would be better used keeping my ass from sagging instead.

Now that I’ve shown you the best items “As Seen On TV” has to offer, head on over to their website and fill up your shopping cart.

Yes, they have a website despite their repeated assertions you can only get the item if you call within the next 15 minutes.

I guess maybe we can’t trust whatever we see on TV.

As seen on tv

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

There are several things I’m embarrassed about in my life, but tonight there are two fewer items on that list.

I’m from a small town in Illinois that was approximately 50,000 people when I was growing up.  It’s now around 45,000 people so all you fact-checkers out there, please spare me the snarky email correcting my stats.

What can I say?  The town fell apart when I left.

Aside from a slight embarrassment about growing up in a small Midwestern town, a large embarrassing fact about me is that I love McDonald’s.  Okay, maybe it’s not as well kept of a secret as I’d like it to be, as my bumper sticker says “This car brakes for McDonald’s.”

Whatever.  I love it.

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

Yes, I know it’s bad for me, but I’m clearly not the picture of health, so let me have this one (of many) vice.

Today, however, I’m proud to admit my humble beginnings in that small town in Illinois as it is quite close to another small town that’s made the newspapers.  What’s even better?  The story is about McDonald’s.

According to BuzzFeed, a couple in the small town of Ottumwa, Iowa, allege they purchased a cheeseburger from McDonald’s that was filled with pot. Yes.  Marijuana.  Ganja.  Mary Jane.  Reefer.

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

The police are investigating but if you ask me, this is the perfect way to serve pot.  You can get stoned while also curing the munchies that most certainly will follow.

I certainly hope McDonald’s capitalizes on this concept.  Adding it to a value meal makes perfect sense, as stoners can munch on fries after hitting the bong a few times.

It’s also a great way to get newbies hooked.  A dealer could simply slip a little chronic into a milkshake and before too long the drive-thru would be smokin’.  Literally.

Come to think of it, I might be more likely to eat a salad from McDonald’s if I knew the weeds I was eating were more than just iceberg lettuce.

And who doesn’t want to get a little nugget while getting their chicken McNuggets?  Extra sauce with a side of hash please.

All of a sudden people would be asking for a side of dime bag with their McRib.  I wonder if that could be super-sized.

If it could be super-sized, maybe I would be saying “I’m Lovin’ It!’ a little more.

photo credit: TheCulinaryGeek via photopin cc

photo credit: TheCulinaryGeek via photopin cc

Perhaps now the toy in the Happy Meal will be Puff the Magic Dragon.  Before too long McDonald’s logo will change from the giant M to a water bong, or maybe just a large joint….whichever one is easier to construct.

Granted, there is some question as to whether the substance in the cheeseburger was actually marijuana.  To make that determination the couple called the cops, which is a shame, as I’m sure there are high school kids everywhere who would be willing to take one for the team and test the substance.

After all, it would be in the name of justice.

photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc

photo credit: Stéfan via photopin cc

What I find funny about this story is the fact that the people called the police instead of (1) ingesting it or (2) gifting it.

Graduation is upon us.  Some people prefer cash while others prefer hash.  It’s a perfect opportunity to take care of that loved one.

What’s also humorous is the couple immediately knew that it looked and smelled like pot.  How did that couple know such a thing?  Is D.A.R.E. really that effective?

Maybe in Ottumwa, Iowa it is.

In a way, I feel bad for the poor employee whose weed this was.  I’m sure he was itching for his break so he could sit back and enjoy a burger while he got fried.

That’s the real tragedy here.

I’m not sure if this mystery will be solved, but one thing’s for sure.  I’d like to believe the employee who processed this order is named Mary Jane.

What you didn't see at fashion weekI’m pretty much a style icon.  A fashion maven if you will.

Fifty-something women all over the Midwest look to me for inspiration about what to wear…and then they don’t wear it because they know I don’t have the first clue about fashion (or low waisted pants.)

As you know, New York Fashion Week just ended, which means all the new styles for Spring 2014 premiered.  Yes, I know, it seems strange that Fall Fashion Week showcases spring fashions.

It doesn’t make sense, but neither does Jessica Simpson being taken seriously as a fashion designer.  There are just some mysteries that will never be solved.

My friend Gansavoort is a fabulous fashion editor in New York City, and although she didn’t explicitly invite me to Fashion Week this year, I definitely took her subliminal hints that she wanted me there.

Please don’t think of coming to Fashion Week” and “I’ll lose my job if I’m seen with you” were just decoy texts.  I  know she wishes I could make it.

Next time, Gansavoort.  Next time.

Since I wasn’t there, I’m not sure what fashions were showcased this year, but I have an idea of what fashions weren’t showcased.  Here are a few things I know didn’t make the runway, although I wish they would have.

photo credit: cackhanded via photopin cc

photo credit: cackhanded via photopin cc

1.  Pajama Jeans

When is the fashion world going to catch on to this amazing invention?

They’re pajamas….that look like jeans!

This is pure and simple comfortable brilliance and nothing more.

2.  Muffin tops

photo credit: rick via photopin cc

photo credit: rick via photopin cc

I realize this isn’t an outfit, per se, although it’s an accessory that accompanies every one of my ensembles.

I’m sure not only did none of the fashion models sport muffin tops, none of them have ever savored the delicious goodness of devouring 5 muffin tops in under 3 minutes.

Come to think of it, maybe that’s why they don’t have muffin tops.

3.  Orthopedic shoes

photo credit: BEYOURPET via photopin cc

photo credit: BEYOURPET via photopin cc

If only, my dear readers.  If only this was a fashion statement.  If it was, I’d be the most fashionable chick at Curves Fitness.

As of now, I’m the youngest member, with Gretta coming in second place right behind me at a whopping 57 years young.  The two of us could rock that runway in our orthopedics and remind the fashion world how great it is to have comfortable shoes.

We’d walk that runway in style, and at a snails’ pace because of our feet problems.

4.  Bonnie Bell lip gloss

photo credit: twitchery via photopin cc

photo credit: twitchery via photopin cc

This shit is awesome and I’m not sure why it’s not the exclusive lip gloss of Fashion Week.  It should be.

Poor Bonnie Bell is shunned from the fashion world, although her arch nemesis, Bobbi Brown, is always rocking the runway in style.

Although I’m a Bobbi Brown girl at heart because it’s “My Prerogative,” (see what I did there?  Bobbi Brown and Bobby Brown?  Hee hee.) I still feel for Bonnie Bell.  She’s brilliant in her lip gloss development.  Her best invention?  Dr. Pepper lip gloss.

That’s right, THERE’S LIP GLOSS THAT TASTES LIKE DR. PEPPER!

Why this isn’t featured on the runway, I will never know.

5.  Underwear

photo credit: arielkovic via photopin cc

photo credit: arielkovic via photopin cc

I watch enough Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model to know that most of these models stroll the runway sans undergarments.

If I stomped down the runway without my bra, I’d probably trip over my tits and land spread-eagle with my hoo-ha in the spotlight.

That’s not the kind of fashion statement I want to make.

6.  Food

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

I’m going out on a very sturdy limb here in saying there wasn’t much to munch on at Fashion Week other than cotton balls dipped in orange juice.

Maybe if they’d use Bonnie Bell Dr. Pepper lip gloss, they wouldn’t be so damn hungry.

I’m not sure what will come out of New York Fashion Week 2013, but I’m sure it won’t be any of the things I mentioned here.

This is one of those times I’d love to be wrong, but considering I’m never wrong, these predictions are a safe bet.

Now where are the brownies?

 

We’ve all seen it by now; Miley Cyrus’s train wreck performance.

What’s that you say?  Which train wreck performance?

Good question.  Sorry I wasn’t more clear.

For purposes of this post, I’m referring to her performance at the 2013 MTV Music Video Awards.  I’m being quite generous with the term “perform.”  If she “performed” at these awards, then I “perform” a culinary masterpiece each night when I microwave frozen dinners and cover them with ketchup.

Because I’m super supportive, I’ve decided to write a few pointers for sweet and innocent Miley so she can learn from this experience and rise to her full potential…doing low grade porn.

1.  Look at yourself in the mirror before you make faces in public

Penises all over the world shriveled when she did this move.

Penises all over the world shriveled when she did this move.

This is NOT attractive.  Nothing about this is attractive.  I can’t imagine how you thought you were being sexy by doing this face.  Then again, I can’t imagine you thought your putting your hair into points to look like alien antennae was a good idea either.

2.  Please don’t take beauty advice from Amanda Bynes

The bra and underwear look doesn't work unless you have a bitchin' wig.

The bra and underwear look doesn’t work unless you have a bitchin’ wig.

I can only assume by your appearance that you conferred with your bestie, Amanda Bynes, about hair and makeup choices.  I’m shocked you were able to reach her while she is seeking psychiatric treatment, but I guess Amanda is just a loyal friend that way.

Either way, your choice of hair and make up was not your best.  Perhaps you should borrow one of Byne-Byne’s wigs and cover yourself.

3.  Don’t forget you have a vagina (or so it’s alleged)

What does she think she's grabbing?

What does she think she’s grabbing?

I’m not sure why you continually felt the need to grab your crotch and thrust it forward like a man would do with his balls.  Perhaps it’s from years of watching your father in skin tight jeans boot-scoot-boogy himself into the pants of women everywhere.

Fortunately, those restrictive pants lowered daddy’s sperm count so only a few spawns emerged.  It’s how the universe stayed balanced, and for that, we’re grateful.

However, thrusting your pelvis while grabbing your crotch is not something classy women typically do.  Leave that to the pros.  I believe Madonna has the market on that.

4. You have identity issues

In case you wondered what a bear's vagina looked like...

In case you wondered what a bear’s vagina looked like…

Forget the Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana confusion, your identity issues span to different species.  You are not a bear, despite emerging on stage from a teddy bear’s vagina.  Wearing a leotard with a bear’s face on it does not make you a bear.  If everyone turned into what they wear, I would be Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville covered in peanut butter.

A girl can dream.

5.  If you’re going to lip sync, try to keep up with the words

You can hear the talent through this photo, can't you?

You can hear the talent through this photo, can’t you?

Might I suggest watching a few Milli Vanilli videos?  They were pros and their music was a lot better than yours.  If you’re looking for what not to do, check out Ashley Simpson’s performance on SNL.  Actually, just google Ashley Simpson and take it from there.

6.  The teddy bear backpack/purses from the 90s are not coming back

Now that's a backpack you could put some stuff in!

Now that’s a backpack you could put some stuff in!

Believe me, I wish they were.  Nothing says sophistication quite like a child’s toy stuffed with lip gloss and then strapped to your back.  Sadly, I’ve had no luck bringing back this trend, and putting life-sized stuffed bears on the backs of others isn’t going to help the cause.

7.  Read your audience

NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU!

NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU!

Maybe you don’t actually know how to read.  I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case, as you clearly didn’t read the reviews of your last album.  Either way, please learn how to know when your audience is bored.

Take a moment to stop humping whatever is nearby, and actually look at the faces of those you are supposed to be entertaining.

If you’re still confused, use this handy rule of thumb:  If you’re singing, dancing, or talking, your audience is bored.

This one makes me happy for so many reasons.

This one makes me happy for so many reasons.
(1) Boy band members? Check.
(2) Guy in background wearing oversized glasses? Check.
(3) JC Chasez trying not to laugh? Check.
(4) A photo of a woman in mid-passout of boredom? Check.
(5) Rhianna not being physically assaulted? Check.
(6) Justin Timberlake looking straight into my soul while everyone else looks elsewhere? CHECK! (please!)

And it’s a rule of thumb, not a rule of “giant foam finger that has nothing to do with anything other than to give you something else to hump while on stage.”

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MICKEY'S HAND, MILEY?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MICKEY’S HAND, MILEY?!

That’s it for now, Miley, mostly because my brain has turned to mush after watching your performance too many times.  I can only hope you take my advice so we can all avoid these incidents in the future.

Come to think of it, it’s more entertaining if you ignore my advice completely.  You obviously ignored the advice of your stylist.

P.S.  I can see your underwear.

EVEN MORE PEOPLE NOT INTO IT!

EVEN MORE PEOPLE NOT INTO IT!

North West's guide to living with a horrible nameAs you know Kim Kardashian and Kayne West’s baby has entered this world via Kim’s money maker, and she’s already one!

I’m calling North “Baby Karwestian” mostly because it sure as hell beats what they named her in real life…

North West.  They named their spawn North West.

Just when I think those two can’t get any dumber, they go and totally surprise me with this ridiculousness.  I guess they’re overachievers in that sense.  I think it’s a fair assumption that they’re both idiots.  In case you need persuading, here’s some evidence.

Exhibit A for Kim:  Every single variation of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, Kim and Kourtney take Miami, Khloe and Kris take My Brain Cells, etc.

Exhibit A for Kayne:  His incoherent rant during the Red Cross fundraiser for Katrina victims.

As if Baby Karwestian doesn’t already have the Gucci playing cards stacked against her based upon her DNA, she has to go through life saddled with the name North West.

photo credit: Leo Reynolds via photopin cc

photo credit: Leo Reynolds via photopin cc

I can only hope for her sake that she’s similar to the math phenomenon that two negatives make a positive.

Here’s to hoping North West turns those negatives into positives…and that she turns her father into the authorities for being a total douchebag.

That’s a crime, right?  If so, he’s Public Enemy Number One.  Come to think of it, he’d probably conceed that just because he is confident he’s the best at everything in the world;  Just ask him.

I’ve been thinking about poor North West and all the horrible teasing she’s going to get based solely on that horrid name.

What’s worse is she’s destined to have an enormous booty, which will most likely be yet another topic of ridicule.  That’s a blog post for another day.

North West is going to learn how to handle being mocked for her name.  Sure, she could turn to kids who have gone before her, like Rumor Willis and Apple Martin, but I’d like to do my part to help too.

In an effort to prepare North West for the inevitable bullying she will receive, here are a few things I think kids will say to make fun of her ridiculous and directionally challenged name.

I can practically hear the kids yelling these taunts in the school yard.  Or, in her case, in the paparazzi-ridden private school at the oxygen bar where all the kids take their recess.  It’s right after yoga and colonics…between third and fourth period.

(When else would you do a colonic? After lunch?  Pft!)

Here are some nicknames:

  • North by Northwest (it’s a play on South by Southwest.  I feel like I have to spell that one out for you.)
  • South East.  (I find this one hilarious, as it’s the exact opposite of North West.  Get it?  South East?)

Here are a few jokes I can imagine the kids telling;

  • Where’s the best place to get <insert various sexual favors here>? North West.
  • Guess who likes to go ‘down south?’  North West.”
  • “Do you know where the entire football team goes after practice?  Up North West.” (Okay, I realize the majority of these are about her being a hoe-bag, but come on.  If the extremely overpriced shoe fits…hopefully it won’t.)
  • “Northwest Airlines:  We put our junk in the trunk.”

Like them? Please tell me you have better ideas for nicknames and jokes for North West. I know you guys are far more creative than I am.

 

photo credit: premasagar via photopin cc

photo credit: premasagar via photopin cc

We need to band together and come up with all the possible nicknames and jokes for North West, so we can tell her what they are and prepare her for the inevitable ribbing that will come her way.  And it won’t be the kind of ribbing that’s for her pleasure, I assure you.

Now tell me what you’re thinking!

photo credit: ubiquit23 via photopin cc

photo credit: ubiquit23 via photopin cc

By now you’ve heard about the NSA leaker, Edward Snowden, and how he’s on the run from the Feds.  I wish there was a different term to describe him other than a “leaker,” but no one consulted with me about nicknames.

I would call him the Snowster.

The term “leaker” sounds like he’s lactating or that he has a prostate problem.  Come to think of it, maybe he does have a prostate problem, which is why he’s always on the go.  (Pun intended.)

He should probably get that checked out…once he gets to a country with a good healthcare system.  (Stay away from Canada, Snowster!)

Either way, he’s on the lamb, and not the way I’m on the lamb at my favorite Greek restaurant.  I am LITERALY on the lamb when I go there.  It’s that delicious and Olympia Kebob House knows how to make a gyro that will rock your world.

Great, now I want humus.  Thanks, Edward Snowden.

Focus, people!  Let’s get back on track!  Espionage and the Snowster.  Stay with me.

photo credit: Genista via photopin cc

photo credit: Genista via photopin cc

Reports indicate the Snowster was initially in Hawaii and then fled to Hong Kong, but has since been linked to Moscow.  Homeboy gets around, but not in a Kim Kardashian kind of way.

He may be deemed by the media to be a villain, but he’s still better liked than Kimmy.  I’m sure of it.

Given the Snowster’s known travel destinations, I can’t even begin to imagine the nightmare that would be packing for his asylum trip.  From Speedos and muscle shirts for Hawaii to parkas and scarves for Moscow, I hope he has an Amazon Prime membership so he doesn’t have to pay shipping for all his new digs.

I also hope he has a razor to keep himself groomed if he’s going to rock a Speedo.

With all the speculation about his next destination, along with my speculation about his next clothing purchase, I think Hasbro needs to capitalize on this and get a board game going.

photo credit: Genista via photopin cc

photo credit: Genista via photopin cc

Do people still play board games?  I know I can dominate a round of Candy Land, but that’s also what I call my secret stash of Starbursts and Rolos hidden in my closet.  I don’t think that’s the same thing.

Don’t judge.

Whether it’s a board game or a computer game, someone needs to come up with one that focuses on Where in the World is Edward Snowden.  It would be kind of like Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, but without that annoying little theme song.

That song is now stuck in my head.  It’s stuck in yours too.  If I have to suffer, so do you.  We’re a team like that.

I haven’t worked out all the rules of the game yet, but I think the point would be to seek asylum in a country that other players would have to guess.

photo credit: mortenjohs via photopin cc

photo credit: mortenjohs via photopin cc

One of the players would be the Snowster, complete with his hipster glasses and popped collared shirts.  The other players would be FBI agents and Secretary of State John Kerry, whose figurine would just be a ketchup bottle.

There would undoubtedly be obstacles the Snowster would have to overcome, like running out of styling mousse or gel for his sweet hair style.  He would have to find a way to get a replenished supply of Dep without being detected by the feds.   It wouldn’t be easy.

He would also have other set backs, like losing his compass or his super secret spy glasses.  (Someone should tell him to think about contacts.)

There would obviously be a theme song for the game, which would undoubtedly be “Informer” by Snow.  It’s both lyrically accurate, and Snowden has the artist’s* name incorporated into his own.  It’s a no-brainer.

*The term “artist” is used extremely loosely here.

photo credit: stevendepolo via photopin cc

photo credit: stevendepolo via photopin cc

Come on, Hasbro, this game is gold.  It teaches kids about geography, while also teaching about government, and how no one likes a tattle tale.

An alternate name could be “Snitches Get Stitches,” or “Whistelblowers Get an Ass Whooping.”

I’m still toying with the names, no pun intended.

Call me, Hasbro.  Let’s make this a thing.

Other n-wordsFor those of you fatties foodies out there who love Paula Deen, I’m sure you’re aware of the recent lawsuit filed against her by a former employee.

The suit alleges sexual harassment, racism, and use of the N-word.  It also alleges she over-uses  butter and grease in all of her recipes.

Just kidding.  It’s impossible to over-use butter and grease in a recipe.

Does Paula Deen deny using the N-word?  Of course (N)ot.  In fact, she freely admits to it.

This admission probably won’t help the strength of her defense and if she insists on maintaining this position, she should consider a diversionary tactic with the jury.

I would suggest winning them over by serving them fried chicken and cupcakes.  It would put the jurors in a food coma just before evidence is presented, and voila!  Acquital is made!

It’s a brilliant plan and I can only hope to be chosen for that jury.  I can also hope they’re chocolate cupcakes.

photo credit: alex.lines via photopin cc

photo credit: alex.lines via photopin cc

Anyway, back to the alleged racism.

Perhaps what’s most disturbing to me about the allegations of racial slurs against African Americans is the fact she frequently looks like she’s wearing black face.

I’m not sure if it’s intentional, or if she’s just too liberal with the bronzer, but there are times I swear she looks like she’s a performer in a vaudeville show.

Considering how liberal she is with sugar and frosting, I’d say the same is true about her use of bronzer.

Regardless of what her motives were for using the N-word, I hope she learns from the experience.  I also hope she branches out and learns other words that start with an N.

Here are a few I’ve come up with that she should learn and insert into her repertoire immediately.

photo credit: sielju via photopin cc

photo credit: sielju via photopin cc

Night Cream

Night cream would be a great word for her to learn.  A little dab will go a long way to reduce those wrinkles.  I’d recommend she buy it by the pound.

Non-Fat Dressing

Non-fat dressing is another great word for her to learn.

Wait, come to think of it, she’d have to learn the word “salad” before she could learn about non-fat dressing, so maybe I’m pushing it a little.

Nordstrom

Another great N-word she should learn is Nordstrom.  Queen Deen needs a new wardrobe, and she needs it since 1995.

Afghans and pearl necklaces do not a classy outfit make.  She needs to burn all of her clothes and head to Nordstrom immediately.

photo credit: nemuneko.jc via photopin cc

photo credit: nemuneko.jc via photopin cc

Nutella

Nutella is an N-word she should not only learn, but should use liberally.  I realize this isn’t a healthy ingredient, but I’d just like to see what she does with it.  I suspect she’d find a way to fry it and serve it with powdered sugar.

That’s an N-word I could get used to her using.

Hopefully this post will help Paula see that other N-words can be great, and most of them don’t evoke feelings of hatred and fear.  In fact, some of them actually evoke feelings of hunger and excitement.

Someone pass the Nutella.