Not sure that friend is so litte.

Not sure that friend is so litte.

Jerry Yardcia and his Gnome Boyz, the band of misfit garden gnomes that protect the Newlin clan, have added a new member to their gang.  His name?  Flash Gorgnome.

Flash did time upstate for public nudity and humping a park bench, but was recently released.  He returned to Jerry’s crew mysteriously at an undisclosed time, which is strange, because flashers are not typically stealthy.

They usually like attention, and let’s face it; Flash is hard to miss.

Normally either Matt or I shuttle Jerry’s boyz to our home from whatever underground location in which they’re hiding.  Sometimes it’s not so much an underground location as a directly above-ground location, usually in a garden.

Either way, we transport these vicious gang members because we figure it’s the least we can do, given they protect our home from evil…or maybe just birds.

This time, however, we didn’t transport Flash at all.  An ungnome person brought him to our door.  Who is the mysterious transporter?  I’m not sure.  It’s a true phenomegnome.

I was home all day when Flash arrived with his gygnomous…ahem…package.  Gnomebody gnomes how he was able to get to Jerry’s lair without anyone noticing, but he did.

Flash with boysFlash is part of Jerry’s Gnome Boyz although he doesn’t so much have a specific title (other than “creeper” or “sex offender”).  He’s basically the guy who has a guy.  You know what I’m talking about.

Do you need someone to clean up a mess at 2:00 in the morning?  Flash has a guy.  (Note:  that guy won’t clean up ice cream off the floor at 2:00 in the morning.  Trust me on this one.)

Do you need someone to get you a fake ID; one that will make you 10 years younger?  Flash has a guy.

Jerry is already pretty connected and doesn’t need Flash around, especially since Flash isn’t a very good member of the gang.  That’s what makes his presence all the more troubling.  Who has an agenda to bring Flash back to the Gnome Boyz?

I have a few ideas.

photo credit: jgarber via photopin cc

photo credit: jgarber via photopin cc

#1.  Buffalo Chicken Dip

She is my gnomeber one suspect.  Although she may seem to be an innocent friend, she makes a killer buffalo chicken dip.  Literally.  She’s deadly with it (as is the gas from it).

BCD is suspicious because of how nice she is.  From bringing me dips to desserts, she’s been a great friend while I’ve been sick and homebound.  However, I’m beginning to think she did this simply to get on Jerry’s good side.

Seeing her come to the door bringing offerings may have dulled Jerry’s instincts about her, which would be why he didn’t alert us when she dropped off Flash.

photo credit: JD Hancock via photopin cc

photo credit: JD Hancock via photopin cc

#2.  The Trekkies

These are my neighbors who are never above suspicion.  They’re also regular guests at our house, as they like to drink almost as much as we do.  They frequent our house and patio for beers (mostly when we’re there, but not always).

They also have a key to our house, which they use sometimes to drop off baked goods.  For these reasons, Jerry wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped by.

Their motive might be jealousy over BCD dropping off tasty treats as well.  Either way, they’re extremely suspicious, and not just because they’re Trekkies.

photo credit: Kaptain Kobold via photopin cc

photo credit: Kaptain Kobold via photopin cc

#3.  The Great Ape

She is one of my best friends but an especially devious suspect.  Please recall last year, when she savagely severed the head of an innocent teddy bear.  The Great Ape could easily be connected to the underground Gnome world.  She does crossfit, which would give her the perfect skills and agility needed to bring Flash to my house, unbegnome to me.

I’m still friends with her despite her crossfit habit, but transporting flashing gnomes could signal the end of our friendship.

At this point I’m not ruling anyone out.  Flash is staying with the Gnome Boyz where he belongs, but I’m still investigating.  Who do you think did this?  Who would stoop so low as to bring another Gnome Boy into our yard.  (Literally.  Who can physically stoop that low?  It’s under our siding.)

I suppose he’ll remain with the gang forever, or until the police pick him up for carrying a concealed weapon (in his pants).

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the (1)It’s the most wonderful time of the year!  Actually, that’s totally not true.  The most wonderful time of the year is summer, when it’s 100 degrees and I’m sporting a glowing tan (and a margarita).

I’m not sure why people think Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, but I’ll go with it.  It’s an excuse to go to a bunch of holiday parties and stuff copious amounts of desserts from the buffet in my purse.

Don’t think I also don’t do that with liquor.  I totally do.  A flask works nicely to accomplish that task and it’s unassuming when shoved inside your coat pocket.

How did I learn this trick?  My parents.  Duh.  You recall what I found in their pantry.  If you don’t, please read about it.  I’m still chuckling.

Anywhoo…

I know you’ve been fretting about the holidays and what you should buy your favorite blogger.

Me, a-hole.  I’m talking about me.

Because I’m so selfless, I’m going to tell you all the things you should buy me.  I’m  so caring like that.

photo credit: Daniel*1977 via photopin cc

photo credit: Daniel*1977 via photopin cc

Before I give you my list, you’re probably wondering what I’m going to give you in return.

Um, this blog isn’t enough?  A few times a week I write random posts about absolutely nothing.  Isn’t that enough?

It should be.

Without further babbling, here’s a few things I’m demanding requesting for Christmas.  Note:  You don’t have to get just one thing.

Go crazy and get the whole list. The joy it will bring me will be worth it.

A book deal

Lipstick_Co-Author

Okay, so I’m IN this book, but I want a book all to myself! But seriously. You should still buy this one.

Yeah, I’m shocked I don’t have a book deal either.  It isn’t for lack of trying.  I’ve been writing sub-par content for two years now.  You’d think publishers and book agents would be knocking down my door.

If book agents and publishers are pretending to be people putting Chinese take-out menus on my door, then they’re definitely knocking down my door. Otherwise, not so much.

Pajama work pants

Why can’t I dress up yet still be comfortable?  They’ve somehow managed to do this with jeans yet I can’t get a pair of wool blend pants that don’t dig into my belly button?

Someone needs to make that happen.  That someone is you.

Vodka

This is a no-brainer and I’m sure you’ve already purchased this for me.  Good work.  Now go buy another bottle for me.  You know one won’t be enough.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups eggs

Yeah, it’s Christmas.  I know, but that’s why I want these eggs so badly.

A sweater for Jerry and his Gangsta Gnome Boyz

gangstas in the snowAs you know, I have a gang of gnomes protecting my house and running illegal activities from behind my hydrangia bushes.  It’s the middle of winter now and those thugs are cold.

Jerry, the head gangsta, told me he’d like a hand-knitted sweater for him and his boyz.  Even though they’re dealing hot merchandise, they still get cold at night.

Wow.  I just asked for something that wasn’t even for me.  I’m so thoughtful.  This is yet another reason you should get me everything I want on my list.

What are you waiting for? Get on it.

Until then, I will continue to entertain you with my antics.  Isn’t that the best gift of all?

 

There's a third one!

There’s a third one!

It’s been quiet around the hydrangea bush at the Newlin house.  Maybe a little too quiet.  Jerry Yardcia and his Gnome Boyz have been noticeably quiet recently, despite their suspected illegal activities.

For those of you not familiar with Jerry, he is the gangsta gnome who runs security at my house.  He also runs a variety of illegal rackets, but I will deny that if asked.

DO NOT ASK.

Jerry Yardcia is a former accountant turned gantsta.  He’s the head gnome in charge and his “special” cousin Jernome is his right hand man, despite the fact he physically stands to the left of Jerry.

Did I mention Jernome was special?

I told myself the peacefulness around the house was nothing to worry about.  I hoped Jerry left the gangsta life of crime and turned over a new leaf.  (He definitely turned over a few hydrangea leaves, as that plant seems to be dying despite my numerous life-saving attempts, which really just entails watering it when I remember to…which isn’t often.)

Jerry is always counting dollas.

Jerry is always counting dollas.

I told myself it was possible Jerry grew sick of keeping inventory of hash and cocaine and instead returned to keeping inventory of debits and credits.

(NOTE: Debits are ALWAYS to the left and credits are ALWAYS to the right.  Don’t even get him started on this touchy subject. DEBIT AND CREDIT JOKES ARE NEVER FUNNY TO JERRY.)

If only leaving a life of crime was an option for Jerry.  Apparently the thug life got ahold of him good…just like it did Tu-Pac.

Instead of turning away from it, Jerry is embracing his criminal ways and bringing new gangstas on board.  Matt and I were not made aware of this development.

Unbegnownst to us, Jerry invited a new gansta to our gnome.

Now that I think about it, I’m not sure how I thought Jerry Yardcia made enough money to live the lavish lifestyle he does.  After all, that sweet medallion around his neck and his flip phone don’t pay for themselves.

The only way he could afford such luxuries was to have a money-making scheme on the down gnome.  (Okay, that one was a stretch.)

Recently I found out what that scheme was, as the new Gnome boy arrived with the start of football season.  Meet the thug known only as “Gnomber One Fan.”

Gnome and tv

He always has sports on the mind…and on the TV

What role does Gnomber One Fan play in Jerry’s gang of misfits?

Yup.  You guessed it.  He’s the bookie.  He runs the numbers racket and he seems to have a gy-gnomous book of business.

Gnomber One tries to talk football with Shady Jack by giving him a toy football.  SJ isn't amused.

Gnomber One tries to talk football with Shady Jack by giving him a toy football. SJ isn’t amused.

Okay, so maybe “bookie” isn’t the right gnomenclature for his job, but what’s the politically correct term for a gnome heavily involved in loansharking and betting?

Ah yes:  a gnombers runner.

The gnome only gnown as “Gnomber One Fan” appears here to stay, at least for the duration of football season.

In my brief conversations with him, he gnows a lot about football and stats.  Perhaps he was Jerry’s assistant in the accounting world way-back-when.

As you can tell by the Mizzou logo across his abgnomen, he’s a Missouri fan, which is good, as I certainly couldn’t have a KU fan living in my hydrangeas.  My compost pile?  Sure.

My hydrangeas?  Never.

Don’t worry though.  Gnomber One doesn’t have a heart of gnome.  He knows when to stop and smell the roses…or in this case, the vinca.

 

Gnomber One still likes flowers.  I caught him like this earlier today.

Gnomber One still likes flowers. I caught him like this earlier today.

So if you’re looking for someone to place bets with this football season, come on over to the Newlin gnome and we will get you set up.  Of course, you’ll have to throw Jerry the proper gansta sign before he will let you into the house.  After all, he’s a gansta gnome, not a pushover.

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Jerry in his favorite surveillance spot.

Jerry in his favorite surveillance spot.

As many of you know, I have a gansta gnome guarding and protecting my home at all times.  

(This is not to be confused with the crazy Bachelorette contestant Kasey, who guards and protects women’s hearts.  My gnome doesn’t do that. He also doesn’t get crazy tattoos while on the season of a reality show.  He’s smarter than that…and he’s a gnome.)

My gansta gnome is Jerry Yardcia, and he keeps me safe from the dangers and threats of living in the suburbs.  He’s pretty hard core.  If you don’t believe me, look at his medallion.

If that doesn’t say bad ass, I don’t know what does.

Since Jerry took over security for the Newlin household, things have been safe and quiet, save for the occasional unwanted humping.  (Our dog Max likes Jerry…a lot.)

Despite the canine advances, lately Jerry looked lonely and in need of a friend.  After all, he can only talk on his mini cell phone so long before the battery goes dead.

We decided something had to be done, and Jerry needed a friend.  Unfortunately, we didn’t know how to go about getting him one, as we didn’t know what type of friend he would prefer.  A talkative friend?  Funny? Quiet?  Old?  Statue?  Bird bath?

Fortunately, we didn’t have to make that decision.  One day, I came home from work and looked Jerry’s direction, hoping to get a report of the happenings of the neighborhood.  I always throw him our secret gang sign so he knows it’s me, as if there’s another woman in a stained dress with Cheeto-stained fingers who frequents the suburbs.

As I threw our super-secret sign of recognition to Jerry, I noticed he was not alone.  He had a friend.  A friend who looked remarkably like him.  Here’s what I saw.

jerry and jernome

They’re multiplying!

Obviously, Jerry’s friend was shy.  He was also a master of disguise, as I could barely see his gy-gnomous head hiding behind the flower bush.

I came inside and asked Matt where the second a-gnomeonyous gnome came from. (Yes, attempting to change “anonymous” into a word using “gnome” was a bit ambitious, but a girl’s gotta try.)

I don’t know.  He just showed up and has been chilling with Jerry all day.”

Indeed.  They appeared to be besties.

Although I was happy for Jerry and his new friend, I wanted to find out more about this mysterious guy.  I had so many questions:  Who was he?  How did he get there? Was this who Jerry was always talking to on his cell?

Jernome

Jernome looking….well…simple.

I approached them both, greeted them, and asked to speak to the new gnome alone.

Jerry complied with my request but told me to keep it short.  I reminded him that he is less than a foot tall, so I had no choice but to keep it short.

NOTE:  Jerry is not a fan of short-jokes.  It’s a delicate subject for him. LESSON LEARNED.

When I was a-gnome with the new gnome he told me he was Jerry’s cousin, and his name was Jer(g)nome.  That explained why they looked so much a like.  (That, and they were both manufactured in the same plant in Thailand.)

Jernome is a man of little words, and not just because he’s only a foot tall.  He was noticeably quiet about his story and where he cam from.

In all fairness, his timidness could be because he’s a statue.

In an effort to get him to tell me more, I got out the garden hose and turned on the water.  All of a sudden, Jernome because far more talkative.

Allegations of water-boarding were made, but those are obviously unwarranted and I will deny any and all such charges.

From what I gathered from Jernome’s quiet demeanor (except when it came to water), he is…ahem….a bit slow.

To put it another way; if our dog Max was a gnome, he would be Jernome.  Come to think of it, if Max was a gnome, he’d still have the same IQ but would probably lick his junk less.

Our sweet, sweet, Max

Our sweet, sweet, Max

Although Jernome didn’t come out and say it, I got the feeling Jerry gave him a job because Jernome couldn’t get a job anywhere else.  I considered suggesting he apply at my favorite Greek restaurant, as the waiters there have no personality and can’t seem to understand that I always want extra Tzatziki sauce on my gyro.

Always.

So for now, Jernome will stay and be Jerry’s wingman.  I suspect his only job will be standing around looking pathetic.  That’s yet another thing he and Max have in common.

I also suspect Jerry will send him on mindless errands just to keep him busy.  So the next time I see Jerry eating a sub sandwich with onions on it, I won’t remind him that onions make him gassy, which kills my hydrangeas.

Instead, I’ll know that Jernome messed up the order, and although Jerry will cut any bitch who stiffs him on a drug deal, he’ll eat onions and endure farts if it means Jernome feels needed.*

*If enduring farts makes one feel needed, then my husband is the most needed man in America.