Matt in ER

In the hospital one of the times I was there for shingles. He’s probably calculating how much this will cost us.

It’s time for everyone’s favorite segment:  Funny Crap My Husband Says.

No matter what clever posts I come up with, you guys love these posts the best.  Please don’t tell my husband that.  I don’t want him to think he’s actually funny.

Sixth Sense

Your breath smells bad. It’s like you ate Shitflakes by Smellogg’s.”

Advertising Genius

You know that law firm that advertises it represents only men in divorces?  They’re one step away from just saying ‘bitches be crazy.'”

Alcohol Connosseur 

Lisa: “You’re a pussy when it comes to drinks.”
Matt: “Yeah. I’ve never claimed otherwise.”

Thjs puzzle was kicking his ass.

Thjs puzzle was kicking his ass.

Fashionista

That vest looks like it’s denim and leather combined. Like a cow f*cked a pair of jeans.”

Food Critic

Matt: “This makes every other bruschetta before this taste like dog shit.
Lisa: “I’m concerned you know what dog shit tastes like.”
Matt: “I had a life before you.”

Dr. Diagnosis

If your immune system was something we bought, I would return it even without the receipt. It’s a lemon.”

Wino

I drank an entire bottle of wine last night and was at the gym at 7am this morning. Hashtag beast.”

Matt in seattleYou know him as the witty guy who makes you laugh with unintentionally funny comments.  I know him as the guy who’s always trying to touch my boobs.

Either way, he’s back for the April edition of more “funny crap my husband says when he’s not at all trying to be funny.”

The only thing that would make these posts better would be if you could see his face immediately after he drops these nuggets of wisdom.  It’s even funnier than the nuggets themselves.

Dare Devil

Lisa: “I want to start a movement for adult ‘Double Dare.'”
Matt:  “They have that already. It’s called an orgy.”

IMG_4952Nature Lover

Matt: “I saw some squirrels either wrestling or doing a mating dance.
Lisa: “Did you watch it?”
Matt:  “No. If it was a mating dance I’d feel creepy.”

Keen Sense of Smell

Matt:  “Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt: “Oh god. Is that my fart I’m smelling? It’s horrible. It smells like dirty eggs.”

Non-judgmental Observer

Matt:  “Look at that couple. Couple of losers.”

Pessimist

Matt:  “All I ever asked was for you to accept me for who I am.”
Lisa:  “I thought you were going to go with ‘love you.'”
Matt:  <whispers and looks down> “I gave up on that long ago.”

IMG_5093D.A.R.E Advocate

Matt: “Meth: come for the weight loss stay for the tooth loss.”

Humble Guy

Matt: “No one is perfect. I have my faults.”
Lisa: “What are they?”
Matt: “I can’t think of any right now.”

Hipster

Matt: “I don’t understand kids today with their MySpace and their complicated pants.”

Penny Pincher

Matt: “There’s two things I don’t pay for: sex and parking.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Other places you can find me on the web this week

You can find me this week at NickMom talking about how preschools are just like wineries.

You can also buy the new book I’m in here.

Matt and Lisa with Empire state building in backgroundIt’s that time again. Time for another edition of “Funny crap my husband says.”

Once again, I’m amazed at the ridiculous things my husband says, although I’m more amazed that he never realizes it’s ridiculous until after I point it out.

Here they are.  Enjoy.  And remember that I’m the lucky one who gets to be married to this guy.

You = jealous.

Altruism

Matt:  “Are you coming to the potluck?  I told them we’d bring a ham.”

Lisa:  “You volunteered me to make a ham?!  I don’t have time to do that.”

Matt:  “Oh, then you shouldn’t come.  People are going to be pissed when they realize you didn’t make a ham.”

001 - CopyFoodie

Matt:  “Do you know what’s in falafel?”

Lisa:  “Yes.  They’re delicious.”

Matt:  “I had no idea they were fried chick peas.”

Lisa:  “What did you think falafel was?”

Matt:  “I thought it was a waffely sandwich.  Come to think of it, that also sounds delicious.”

Medical mystery

Matt:  “I have a weird thing on the top of my mouth.”

Lisa:  “What is it?”

Matt:  “I don’t know.  That’s why I called it a ‘weird thing’ and not a ‘such and such.'”

086Patriot

Flight attendant:  “Let’s give our military on the plane a round of applause for all they do.”

<applause>

Matt:  “I clapped longer than anyone else.  That means I care more about the troops than everyone else.  Obvy.”

Romantic

Lisa:  “Didn’t we say ‘with this ring I thee wed?'”

Matt:  “I don’t know.” <whispers> “I was lost in your eyes.”

Copyright Maggie Stolzberg 2010.  Used with permission. www.maggiestolzberg.com

Copyright Maggie Stolzberg 2010. Used with permission.
www.maggiestolzberg.com

865You guys have been asking for it. Okay, so not like how when I was a kid and my dad would tell me I was asking for it whenever I did something bad (which was a lot).  In that case “it” was being grounded and then forced to do manual labor…like painting the deck.

I don’t think my dad had any idea what I was really asking for.  <HINT:  It was a new car.>

Apparently my dad was just really bad at reading me.

In this case, you guys have been asking for it, but you haven’t been “cruisin’ for a bruisin'” as my dad used to say.  You’ve been asking for an updated version of “Shit my husband says.”

Because I’m good to you, and because I don’t have any manual labor that you guys would actually do, I’ve decided to give in to your request.

Without any further delay, I give you an updated version of random crap my husband said.

Sadly, each of these comments are 100% true, which is why I’m 100% embarrassed.

Back CameraPhilosopher

Matt: “Have you ever heard the phrase ‘To each his own?‘”

Lisa: “Yeah.  Have you ever heard the phrase ‘Shut the f*ck up?'”

Matt:  “Yeah.”  <looks down and whispers softly> “You say it to me regularly.”

Medicine Man

Lisa:  “What would you say if they tell me I have cancer?”

Matt: “Well fuck, it’s cancer.  I guess we have to roll with it now.”

Man of the Cloth

Matt: “One of the Commandments says you shouldn’t covet your neighbor’s wife.  Why would you covet his wife?  Why not just bang her?  It’s all the same sin in God’s eyes.”

Back CameraMan of Many Words

Matt:  “I totally didn’t say something creepy.  Wait.  What did I say?”

Coffee Expert

Lisa:  “I want a latte.”

Matt:  “Latte means ‘milk’ in Spanish.”

Lisa:  “No it doesn’t.  ‘Leche’ means milk in Spanish.

Matt:  “Like I said, ‘leche’ means milk.  It comes from the old English word, ‘latte.'”

Germaphobe

Lisa: “Ew.  Get your finger out of my face.  I don’t know where it’s been.”

Matt:  “What do you mean, you don’t know where it’s been?  It’s been on my hand.”

918

I always like to include a picture of us at the end to show you that we really do like each other. Please disregard my shiny face in this photo. I just lubed up on sunscreen. Don’t judge.

 

matt on sailboat

That’s a girl’s hat he had to borrow because he forgot his hat at home.

It’s that time again.  It’s the time when I give my readers a peak into the infinite wisdom that spews from my husband’s mouth on a daily basis.

Actually, it’s crap.  It’s all crap, but it’s funny crap, so it works.  It keeps me laughing, which is all that matters.

Based upon the demands of you guys, he keeps you laughing too.

Don’t tell him that.

Without any further hesitation, let’s get to the mockery, shall we?

A memory like a steel trap

Matt:  “I totally told you about this.”

Lisa:  “I don’t remember it.”

Matt:  “Okay, maybe I didn’t tell you, but whatever.”

You can actually see him saying "Stop it."

You can actually see him saying “Stop it.”

Master of multi-tasking

I just peed and took my contacts out at the same time.  Hashtag allstar.”

A happy guy

Matt:  “Ew.  Shady Jack’s lipstick is out again. It’s so gross.”

Lisa: “Just don’t look at it.  It’s because he’s a happy dog.”

Matt:  “I’m a happy guy, but I don’t walk around with a boner.*”

*THIS IS DEBATABLE.*

A big dreamer

Matt:  “I had a dream that we got some really bad ass concert tickets from  Steve Wozniak (co-founder of Apple).”

Lisa:  “That’s weird.”

Matt:  “Then he got me a really good deal on underwear.  They were tighty whities, but still.”

Matt passed outA chick magnet

Matt: “I have a lot of scars from karate.*** It’s okay though.  Chicks dig scars.”

Lisa:  “How did you get scars from karate?”

Matt: “I got them from trying to break boards with my hands in karate.  

<looks down and says under his breath> 

“I was not successful.”

***In this conversation, he pronounced it as kah-rah-tay. Seriously.***

A needy guy

Matt:  “I need a new one of those air fresheners for my car.”

Lisa:  “Yeah, because you threw your last one away.”

Matt:  “That’s not relevant to this conversation.  I need a new one.”

A conversationalist

Lisa:  “What were we just talking about?”

Matt:  “The thing.”

Lisa:  “What thing?”

Matt:  “I don’t know, but it was definitely important.”

matt and lisa on the boat

Isn't he cute?

Isn’t he cute?

My husband and I recently decided to test the bounds of our relationship:  We took on a home improvement project.

When we bought our house, the guest bedroom was a shade of baby blue that no baby has ever been able to successfully rock.

Unfortunately, we were too tired from bossing the moving men around to paint the room back then, but we figured we’d get to it later.

***Enter five years later***

A few weeks ago we decided to take on this painting project.

Maybe we were incapacitated, or maybe we were just stupid, but either way, we decided to paint the room and roll the dice on if our marriage would survive.

Cleaning before painting.  Even though paint wasn't opened at this point, it was still crucial he wore the HazMat suit.

Cleaning before painting. Even though paint hasn’t been opened at this point, it’s crucial to wear the HazMat suit.

SIDE NOTE:  Home Depot and Lowe’s should add a complimentary divorce kit to any home improvement project purchase over $200.  It would be an excellent service to their customers.

Fortunately, our marriage (and our walls) survived painting and redoing our bedroom.

Of course, my husband said a few funny things throughout the day that helped get me through.

Smelling paint thinner also helped.

 

Idea Man

The kids are using Pinterest these days.  They tell me there’s good stuff on there.”

FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, WHENEVER WE SAW ANYTHING WE LIKED AT THE STORE…

Pin it!

Inspirational Speaker

We haven’t made any mistake that can’t be fixed.”

LESS THAN 2 MINUTES LATER….

Well, that can’t be fixed!

Doesn't it look like he's not wearing shorts under his painting suit?  He is, but still...

Doesn’t it look like he’s not wearing shorts under his painting suit? He is, but still…

The Musician

Lisa:  “I have California Girls in my head.”

Matt:  “Crap.  Now I do too. Wait, which one?  Katy Perry or the Beach Boys version?  I want to be on the same page.”

The Martyr

Matt:  “I’m tired and hungry.”

Lisa:  “Poor baby.  How do you do it?  How do you forge ahead when things are this difficult?

Matt:  “One day at a time…<sighs and hold head down> One day at a time…

Wealth of Knowledge

Matt:  “There was an interesting article the other day about how people are able to walk across hot coals.”

Lisa:  “How do they do it?

Matt:  “I don’t know.  I didn’t read the article.”

The Fashionista

Lisa:  “You can’t wear your Chuck Taylors while you paint.”

Matt:  “I can wear my Chuck Taylors and do anything.”

Can you believe he chose the Chuck Taylor's that most closely matched his outfit?

Can you believe he chose the Chuck Taylor’s that most closely matched his outfit?

Christmas EveFor those of you who regularly read this blog, you know my husband frequently says some funny $hit.  You also know that I’m a complete fricking mess and the biggest mystery of all is why my husband stays with me.

That’s a different post for a different day.  I suspect a mental health professional(s) will be needed for that analysis.

Whenever my husband says something particularly inspiring ridiculous funny, I write it down in my phone so I can refer to it later.

Okay, I don’t actually write it down, but I type it into my phone, cursing the iPhone for not knowing what I want to type and cursing my mom for giving me fat fingers.

I suffer through all of this so I can write one of these fabulous posts that you all love so much.  You’re welcome.

So here are more funny things my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.  Yes, all of these are true, and yes, I also can’t believe he wasn’t snatched up before I found him.

The religious type

While driving around looking for a parking spot in a nearly full lot, my husband saw an open spot and went to pull into it.  He then saw the sign stating it was  “Clergy Parking Only.”

Matt:  “Damnit clergy!”

DSC00319Master of Puns

Matt:  “Who was that?”

Lisa:  “Someone wanting us to switch our credit card to a zero interest card for 9 months.”

Matt:  “Did you tell her we had zero interest in that plan? ” (grins sheepishly)

Vegetable lover

After not receiving his pad Thai with vegetables,

Matt: “I don’t need any of those bullshit veggies in my way.”

Financial Planner

Matt:  “I wish we had millions. I’d buy a f*cking wave runner. I’ve always wanted a wave runner.”

DSC00937Timeless Classic

While looking at shrubs for sale at the store, and staring at the shrubbery/bushes.

Matt:  “That’s a big bush. Like 1970s bush.”

Inspirational Coach

Matt:  “Did you ever read that thing I sent you via email?

Lisa:  “No, what was it?”

Matt: “It was uplifting, goddamn it.”

Trend Setter

Matt:  “I had a fanny pack when I was younger. It was cool and I put my Velcro wallet in it.

DSC00463Fun Police

Matt:  “Why is that guy being so loud?

Lisa: “He’s just trying to have fun.”

Matt:  “He’s doing it wrong.”

Androgynous

Lisa:  “I like this bedspread. It’s not masculine but it’s not feminine either.”

Matt:  “Aw, you just described me.”

Friend to Everyone

Matt:  “He’s a nice guy.”

Lisa:  “He defriended me on FB.”

Matt:  “F*ck that guy.”

Sound Machine

Matt:  “I’m just laying here making noises. Why is that creepy?”

Aren’t you inspired?  Me too.  I’m sure there are more, but my fat fingers just couldn’t record the comments fast enough.  That, and I didn’t want to put down my ice cream to type with both  hands.

I just wasn’t willing to make that sacrifice.

Don’t worry, though.  There will be more of these.  There always are.

funny crap my husband says, May 2013

201

As many of you already know, my husband has a way of unintentionally being funny.  From his random observations about nature to his comments on the woman buying melons at the store, he has a way of cracking me up without even trying.

It’s not that he’s trying to be ironic or humorous.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.  Especially him, as he’s far too busy figuring out which Chuck Taylors will go with his outfit, or if his t-shirt needs a second ironing.  (It usually doesn’t…but it usually gets one anyway.)

recently posted a few of the random things Matt said that made me laugh.  Since you guys share my sense of humor and love of mocking my husband, I decided to grace you with another post with more of my dear husband’s observations/statements.  They’re real gems.

1.  Mr. Miranda

Me:  “If a cop stops you and tries to detain you, what do you say?

Matt: “Am I under arrest?…..And then follow it up with ‘you can suck a dick.’ They like it when you assert authority.

002

2.  Weathering the storm

Matt:  “It’s really cold! I’m going to go buy a hoodie.

Me:  “You’re wearing a hoodie.”

Matt:  “I need a second hoodie to reinforce this hoodie.

3.  Silent Stalker (said while we were at a movie premiere at South by Southwest)

Matt:  “Olivia Wilde is going to be here. I need to find her.”

Me:  “She’s engaged now.

Matt:  “I prefer not to discuss it.” 

Me:  “You’re married.

Matt:  “I fail to see your point.” 

4.  A man with standards (observation about one of his friends)

Matt:  “I’m really glad Jordan doesn’t chew tobacco.”

Me:  “Why?”

Matt:  “It would really put a damper on our friendship.

5.  Mr. G.Q.  (I heard this outburst from him in the morning from the other room.) 

Matt:  “Crap! I put my underwear on wrong side out. That’s, that’s not how you want to start your day.”

standing up at spa

6.  Dr. Doom  (said when referencing Kevin Ware’s broken leg)

Matt:  “That guy had a bad broken leg. He’s never gonna dance again.”

________________________________________________________________

I know.  He’s ridiculous, but he’s my kind of ridiculous, and these little nuggets of wisdom are sometimes the only thing that keeps our marriage going.

Oh, that and he always unloads the dishwasher.