One of my closest friends, Downtown Christy Brown, a.k.a. DTCB, came over the other night to console me on the death of a family member. She brought over several bags of candy and a gift card for pizza. We then went out for frozen yogurt and White Castle (in that order).
She’s a really good friend.
Somehow, we stumbled upon a discussion about sexy historical males. What follows is DTCB’s list of the sexiest historical male characters from movies and TV shows. Enjoy.
9. Matthew Crawley from Downton Abbey (Dan Stevens)
He’s the full package: War hero, honorable man who stays with his betrothed despite his love for another, and all around nice guy.
Of course, he’s also dead, so that’s a major drawback. When I asked DTCB to explain her interest in a dead man, she responded with “Who doesn’t love a good necrophilia joke?”
8. Boo Radley (Robert Duvall)
I didn’t ask her to elaborate, as I was too concerned about the answer and the effect it would have on our friendship.
Maybe she likes the fact that he’s reclusive and mysterious.
Or maybe it’s because he’s pale, as he hasn’t seen the light of day in 25 years. That will do that to a person.
Or maybe it’s just because his name rhymes with poo.
7. Mr. Knightley (Jeremey Northam)
As you can see, he fancied the high ruffled collar. This, plus the fact he was the eternal bachelor, is making me think he fancied more than a ruffled collar. (Penises. I’m referring penises.)
Perhaps the high ruffled collar was the popped collar by today’s standards. Either way, he’s a douche no matter the generation.**
**DTCB strongly disagrees with this commentary. Rather, she advocates he was kind and compassionate with high moral character and excellent judgement.
Obviously this is true, as evidenced by his jealousy and anger when he discovered his best friend fell in love with someone her own age.
Clearly, his anger over a love of two people born in the same decade is completely reasonable and demonstrates excellent judgement. Duh.
**DTCB strongly disagrees with this commentary as well. She’s instructed me to move on.
6. Gollum (Computer Generated Image)
He’s so ugly he’s actually sexy.
She’s also oddly turned on by his raspy voice, which suggests she should court the Marlborogh man, or anyone with throat cancer.
Or by Michael Douglas’s standards, anyone who loves giving oral sex.
She also has an affinity for jewelry, and so does Gollum, so it’s a match made in Helzberg Heaven.
5. Mr. Darcy (Matthew McFadyen)
DTCB appreciates a man who finds her only “fairly tolerable.”
Back in the day, it was proper to call a man by his formal name, but DTCB has advised she’d like to get to know him on a first name/Fitzwilliam kind of basis.
I’m beginning to realize DTCB has a fetish for men with proper titles. I should have caught on to this years earlier when I noticed she called her husband “The Duke of Ganso Court.”
At first, I just thought he loved ducks, and this was an elected position. Apparently not.
What a quack!
4. Dr. Huxtable (Bill Cosby)
Is he a literary character? No.
Does he have any characteristics that would qualify him for this list? Of course not.
So naturally, she chose him.
I suspect it’s really based upon her love of delightfully tacky sweaters and an obsession with Jell-o and pudding pops. She does what she thinks is a spot-on impression of his pudding pop commercial.
It’s not something you should see. It’s not something anyone should see.
She also chose him because, as demonstrated above, she’s a sucker for formal titles.
“Plus,” she noted, “he’s probably rich.”
3. Charles Brandon, a.k. a. The Duke of Suffolk (Henry Cavill)
Apparently he was an adulterer and killed innocent people for King Henry in the show, The Tudors.
When I presented these horrific deeds to DTCB, she dismissed his behavior by pointing out “But he’s really hot.”
That’s good to know, as Jeffrey Dahmer exhibited these same characteristics…although he was NOT a looker.
Perhaps The Duke will redeem himself as the new Superman. I’m sure DTCB would think so, as long as he’s shirtless.
2. Albus Dumbledore
Speaking of how DTCB loves formal names, she felt it would be insulting to this completely fictional character if I didn’t properly refer to him by his full legal name.
You know, the one recognized by a completely fictional governing body (The Ministry of Magic, for those of you who have a social life, and/or are above the age of 10.)
His full name is Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.
I’m just going to call him ApWul, and sound like I have a lisp.
Apparently, word on the street is ApWul was a gentlemen’s gentleman. Who would have guessed the guy with long flowing locks and velveteen robes was a fan of dudes?
What can she give as the reason for her infatuation with a man whose balls are older than the Queen of England?
“What can I say? I’m a sucker for a sesquicentennialen.” (That’s 150 years, for those of you who’ve never seen the movie Waiting for Guffman. I pity you.)
Seriously though, what can you say to that? One word: “Ew.”
1.Mr. Rochester (Michael Fassbender)
Apparently a blind guy who keeps his wife tied up in an attic holds special appeal to DTCB. Whatevs. I’m not here to judge.
Yes I am.
I feel it’s important to note that she refers to him as “Mr. Rotch,” which interestingly, rhymes with crotch. This is not a coincidence.
Edward Cullen. DTCB initially suggested he be number 2 on this list, but later retracted her recommendation, as he was not historical.
She then rebutted her own argument by pointing out he is 107 years old, which would make him historical. Thus, his honorable mention.
Ben Affleck in Armageddon. When I pointed out that this is (1) not literary fiction and (2) not historical, she responded by saying “I don’t care. Did you see him in that orange flight suit?”***
After further pondering, she followed up this assertion with “But he’s no Mr. Rochester.”
But then again, no one is.
***DTCB had <———— this poster in her dorm room in college. I know, because I saw it and experienced its goodness.