I hate new year’s resolutions. The obvious reason is that I hate agreeing to do things that might be difficult. That’s why I’ve never successfully completed a jigsaw puzzle, or an entire episode of the news.
I also hate resolutions because I like to think that I’m pure perfection, and I don’t need any improvement, which probably just shows I’m in a state of denial, but I don’t care. I like to think I’m fabulous and without flaws.
Another reason I hate new year’s resolutions is because I will always fail to keep them, which just further reminds me that I’m a failure, and brings back childhood memories of letting down my 5th grade kickball team when I whiffed the ball and lost the game.
I still can’t look at a red kickball without getting misty-eyed.
So this year I decided I would make some resolutions that I knew I could keep. That way, I would feel good about myself and my success, instead of feeling bad about myself and drowning my sorrows in Grey Goose.
Come to think of it, I will also celebrate my success with Grey Goose, so either way, there’s vodka on the table. Here are a few of my resolutions for this year. They should be your resolutions too because I think they’re pretty easy for anyone to keep.
1. Eat good food
Newsflash: Spaghetti squash doesn’t taste anything like pasta, no matter how much you douse it in marinara. So pass the pasta and shut it.
If I made a resolution to eat healthy food, the Chipotle I had for lunch and the Domino’s I had for dinner would not meet with that resolution, and I like to think of myself as a winner.
So vowing to eat delicious food this year is not only a resolution I know I can keep, it’s one I will take quite seriously. I’m dedicated to myself like that.
2. Have as many embarrassing moments as possible
For some reason, I manage to embarrass myself regularly; the way some people accomplish goals, or breathe air.
From dropping the bottom of my dress in the toilet to opening the door on a perfect stranger using the toilet, I get myself into some embarrassing situations.
Come to think of it…many of them involve toilets. I don’t even want to know what that suggests about me.
3. Come up with new and interesting excuses for why I can’t go to the gym
Those are old excuses that died with 2014, and any dream I had of fitting into clothes from the Juniors department ever again.
I’m also pretty sure that my physical trainer has caught on to the fact that one can only biologically have 2 sets of grandparents, yet I’ve managed to have nearly 6 of them die in the last year.
I think he’s starting to do that math. This year I’m going to come up with new material for why I can’t make it to my workouts. Nothing is off limits this year.
I’m going to dig deep and dream big and look up new conditions on WebMD.
4. Dress comfortably
Since I own a pair of Pajama Jeans, this is one resolution I’m confident I can keep. I plan on not letting constricting pants get in the way of my comfort. Please note this resolution goes hand in hand with resolution number 1.
Gone are the days of wearing pants that button, and dresses that cling to my fat rolls. This year I’m going to branch out and wear more flowy clothes, which basically means I will be increasing my trips to the maternity clothes outlets.
If any of you have coupons for Motherhood, send them my way. Those maternity pants aren’t cheap and I’m going to be tight on cash, especially considering all the good food I’ll be purchasing, and the money I’ll be wasting on a gym membership I won’t use.
5. Make financially irresponsible purchases
This will be a fun resolution to keep, and one that will most likely encourage late night television viewing. Nothing is a bigger waste of money than “only sold on TV” items that can easily be found at the local Wal-mart for a fraction of the price.
In addition to ridiculous television purchases, I also plan on buying lots of storage items that, ironically, will contribute to my storage problem by taking up space in my small house.
And maybe this year’s the year I finally let my husband buy a moped and start a moped gang. He wants to call it Rolling Thunder.
I think this is a good start to my list of realistic resolutions. I will keep you posted on my progress, but until then, I’m going to grab a Hostess snack cake (or 3) and call my trainer to tell him I won’t be at the gym tomorrow because my basement flooded and my workout gear is floating in sewage.