New Year's resolutionsI hate new year’s resolutions.  The obvious reason is that I hate agreeing to do things that might be difficult.  That’s why I’ve never successfully completed a jigsaw puzzle, or an entire episode of the news.

I also hate resolutions because I like to think that I’m pure perfection, and I don’t need any improvement, which probably just shows I’m in a state of denial, but I don’t care.  I like to think I’m fabulous and without flaws.

Another reason I hate new year’s resolutions is because I will always fail to keep them, which just further reminds me that I’m a failure, and brings back childhood memories of letting down my 5th grade kickball team when I whiffed the ball and lost the game.

I still can’t look at a red kickball without getting misty-eyed.

So this year I decided I would make some resolutions that I knew I could keep.  That way, I would feel good about myself and my success, instead of feeling bad about myself and drowning my sorrows in Grey Goose.

Come to think of it, I will also celebrate my success with Grey Goose, so either way, there’s vodka on the table.  Here are a few of my resolutions for this year.  They should be your resolutions too because I think they’re pretty easy for anyone to keep.

1.  Eat good food

girl eating hot dogJust to be clear, this resolution isn’t to eat healthy food; it’s to eat good tasting food.  The two are completely different, despite what my personal trainer and my mother say.

Newsflash:  Spaghetti squash doesn’t taste anything like pasta, no matter how much you douse it in marinara.  So pass the pasta and shut it.

If I made a resolution to eat healthy food, the Chipotle I had for lunch and the Domino’s I had for dinner would not meet with that resolution, and I like to think of myself as a winner.

So vowing to eat delicious food this year is not only a resolution I know I can keep, it’s one I will take quite seriously. I’m dedicated to myself like that.

2.  Have as many embarrassing moments as possible

baboonThis is one resolution I can stick to even without trying.

For some reason, I manage to embarrass myself regularly; the way some people accomplish goals, or breathe air.

From dropping the bottom of my dress in the toilet to opening the door on a perfect stranger using the toilet, I get myself into some embarrassing situations.

Come to think of it…many of them involve toilets.  I don’t even want to know what that suggests about me.

3.  Come up with new and interesting excuses for why I can’t go to the gym

sickNo more “I’m sick” or “I pulled my scrotum.”

Those are old excuses that died with 2014, and any dream I had of fitting into clothes from the Juniors department ever again.

I’m also pretty sure that my physical trainer has caught on to the fact that one can only biologically have 2 sets of grandparents, yet I’ve managed to have nearly 6 of them die in the last year.

I think he’s starting to do that math.  This year I’m going to come up with new material for why I can’t make it to my workouts. Nothing is off limits this year.

I’m going to dig deep and dream big and look up new conditions on WebMD.

4.  Dress comfortably

sweater and hatSince I own a pair of Pajama Jeans, this is one resolution I’m confident I can keep.  I plan on not letting constricting pants get in the way of my comfort.  Please note this resolution goes hand in hand with resolution number 1.

Gone are the days of wearing pants that button, and dresses that cling to my fat rolls.  This year I’m going to branch out and wear more flowy clothes, which basically means I will be increasing my trips to the maternity clothes outlets.

If any of you have coupons for Motherhood, send them my way.  Those maternity pants aren’t cheap and I’m going to be tight on cash, especially considering all the good food I’ll be purchasing, and the money I’ll be wasting on a gym membership I won’t use.

5.  Make financially irresponsible purchases

pennies and manThis will be a fun resolution to keep, and one that will most likely encourage late night television viewing.  Nothing is a bigger waste of money than “only sold on TV” items that can easily be found at the local Wal-mart for a fraction of the price.

And with a Wal-mart purchase, there is the free added bonus of the sighting of a 55 year old male wearing a bathrobe and Speedo while demanding he be referred to as “Mr. Muscles.”

In addition to ridiculous television purchases, I also plan on buying lots of storage items that, ironically, will contribute to my storage problem by taking up space in my small house.

And maybe this year’s the year I finally let my husband buy a moped and start a moped gang.  He wants to call it Rolling Thunder.

I think this is a good start to my list of realistic resolutions.  I will keep you posted on my progress, but until then, I’m going to grab a Hostess snack cake (or 3) and call my trainer to tell him I won’t be at the gym tomorrow because my basement flooded and my workout gear is floating in sewage.

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Other Places You Can Find Me On The Internet This Week

Oh Marriage! The 7 Funniest Things My Husband’s Ever Said To Me

10 Signs You’re Pushing 40 And Don’t Give An Eff

9 Awkward Stages of Seeing A Facebook Friend In Real Life

******This was originally published a year or two ago but my mom was just in town and I was reminded that my slow transformation into becoming her has picked up speed.  Hence, the need for this to be republished.******

My mom's purse and her blinged out phone case.

My mom’s purse and her blinged out phone case.

This is my future.  Look at it.  Is it a photo of a purse with faux fur on it?  Yes, yes it is.

HELP!Is it adorable?  Yes, but that’s not the point.  And the blinged out phone cover? Also adorable, but also gaudy, no?

The point is this:  I’m turning into my mother.

Don’t get my wrong, I tolerate love my mother, so turning into her is isn’t a bad thing.

But so soon?  So quickly?

I figured I’d be at least late 50s before the resemblences started creeping in.  Apparently not.

I’ve been denying it for years, but it’s quickly becoming a realization I don’t think I can deny anymore.  The transformation has begun!

<to be read in a loud voice with ominous music in the background.>

I know, I know, few more horrific words have ever been uttered.  It’s what every young girl fears the most.

Well, that and the clap, but I guess since I dodged that bullet, I’m stuck with the other fear.

Whether it’s the lesser of two evils is something I’m not sure of, although I know one of them can be cured with penicillin.

It came on gradually (the transformation, not the clap). I think both ailments may come on gradually but the transformation into my mother didn’t involve itchiness or the urge to pee myself.

Either way, I noticed the changes slowly.

Uttering a cheesy phrase under my breath was the first sign.

Want an example?  Well, you’re getting one.

my slow transformation into becoming herWhen watching an episode of Law & Order: SVU, the opening credits indicated one of the actors was named B.D. Wong.

Without even thinking, I yelled out “He B.D. Wong guy for the job!”

Is that joke hilarious?  Of course it is, which is why I began cracking up immediately after I said it.

But then I looked around the room and saw the expressions I knew so well; the eye rolls, the moaning in irritation.

I know them because that’s my standard response to my mother’s jokes that aren’t really that punny.  (Ha!  Punny!  I’m on a roll!)

Simple enough.  I figured it was just one instance of bad joke-telling.  If Seth McFarlane can do it, so can I.

But then it moved onto conspiracy theories.  That’s when I started to notice I may need to seek help.

Was the government trying to take over my life by taxing me to death?  Obviously, as evidenced by this year’s tax return.

Did my office have a secret stash of cookies my coworkers hide from me because they know I’d eat them if I knew about them?  Probably.

But let’s face it; that’s probably a good idea on their part.

One thing I do know for sure, though, is that YES, all the kids really are on drugs these days.  Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

As if these small tendencies creeping into my life weren’t enough, another symptom appeared that made it far more real.  The humming started.  That’s when I knew it was serious.

It was one thing to believe every kid over the age of 14 was a heroin junkee.  (I blame “the MTV” and the video games.)

But it’s quite another to hum songs loudly in public. Worst of all?  I found myself trying to hum the harmony.

FOR SHAME!

Now it’s just snowballing.  I find myself drawn to sparkly things that most people, and Lisa from 5 years ago, would have found gaudy.  But now, a part of me thinks “That’s kind of pretty.  Look at it sparkle.”

For some reason, my taste in glittery things has skyrocketed and there’s no way to stop it.  Why would I buy a pair of plain glasses when I could get a pair with rhinestones blinged out on the sides?

I wouldn’t.

I guess they say that acceptance is the first step.  I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I suppose I’m on the road to that destination, not paying attention and sideswiping vehicles as I go.

Maybe it’s not so bad.

After all, my mom isn’t that far away from the senior citizen discount, and I love saving money.

Plus, the sparkly tops and glittery glasses will make it easier for people to find me when I inevitably fall down or get lost on the street looking for my car.

Other Places To Find Me On The Web

 12 Thoughts That Go Through Every Lady’s Mind During A Bikini Wax

Top 9 Reasons Being an Adult is WAY Better Than Being a Kid

Since I’m always on the cutting edge of fashion, allow me to introduce you to the next new fashion craze: eye patches.

Ok. Maybe the fashion world hasn’t been made aware of this new trend but they’re sure to catch wind of it soon. Hopefully it’s a pleasant wind when it blows their way.

As some of you may know, shingles bitch-slapped me across the face.  Yes, my face. Most people get them on their hip or back, but I prefer to wear my afflictions on my face. 

Unfortunately, the shingles spread to my eyes and it was actually quite serious.  I’m still recovering but it’s a painfully slow process, mostly because I have a large bandage on my forehead and I’m caught up on all the episodes of “The Mindy Project.”  

This guy knows what I'm talking about.  Check out that white eye patch! photo credit: madabandon via photopin cc

This guy knows what I’m talking about. Check out that white eye patch!
photo credit: madabandon via photopin cc

The worst part  is that it’s all over the cornea of my left eye. What does that mean? It means I feel like someone is stabbing me in the eyeball and I have a headache you can’t imagine.

I’m also extremely sensitive to light and sometimes my eye swells completely shut.  In light of this, my doctor suggested an eye patch to protect my cornea and let me heal (and to spare others from seeing my gross eye).

Because I’m frugal, I decided to fashion my own eye patch out of a scrap of yarn I had from when I tried a new crochet stitch. I connected it to a headband and had an adjustable eye patch for free. I was pumped!

My husband, however was not. He bought me a real eye patch, which lacks the creativity and pizzazz of my original creation.

Not too bad, huh?  It's adjustable!

Not too bad, huh? It’s adjustable!

I hate the eye patch but it’s necessary. So in an effort  to make me feel better about my new accessory, I looked for inspiration from others who wear eye patches.  

Knowing there are others out there suffering helps me get through this.  

It doesn’t take away the pain, but Percocet does that.

Here’s a few.

One-eyed Willie:  I’m not sure why he needs an eye patch at all. He is a skeleton who doesn’t have eyeballs. I’m not sure what purpose the patch serves other than to make him look like a badass.   If that is its purpose, it’s a success.

Captain Morgan: He looks pretty good in his patch. I suspect he suffered an injury while on the high seas, which is why he has the “captain” moniker. I also suspect he suffers from my eye pain as well. Fortunately, we both handle it the same way: with liquor.

Not nearly as cool

Not nearly as cool

Patch Adams: Okay, he doesn’t have a patch but it’s in his name so I had to include him.

Patch from “Days of our Lives”: I remember him from when I was a kid. He was covered in leather from eye to toe. He made women swoon and cattle fear for their hides.

Captain Ron: He’s everyone’s favorite captain (second only to Morgan). Perhaps his lack of boating skills is because he only has one good eye. It’s either that or he uses the patch because he lost his sunglasses.

In light of these characters who also wear eye patches I’m feeling a little better about my new accessory.

But really, it’s going to be the next big thing. Just you wait.

It’s Mother’s Day, which means Facebook feeds everywhere are filled with homages to moms.  Happy Mother’s Day to all of you moms out there, and Happy Mother’s Day to me too.

Okay, so I’m not a mother in the sense that I pushed kids out of my hoo ha, but I still think I’m a mother after all.

Granted, some people would agree I’m a mother, but would then add an unfortunate expletive after that.  Those people suck.  Duh.

Hoo-ha pushing or not, I’m a mother all year long.  No, not to human babies, although I swear I love them as much as if I’d delivered them myself.

Disturbing?  Absolutely.

True?  Totally.

Max in a tux with a smooch this pooch pillow

So how am I mother, you ask?  (Aside from the a-forementioned curse word?)  Here are a few reasons:

1.  I deal with poop all the time.

No, it isn’t in a diaper, but I have to pick it up with a plastic bag, so I’m still hurting the environment the same way.

The bad part is that unlike babies who (hopefully) grow out of needing moms to tend to their bowels, my dogs will never become sufficient at picking up their own poo (with anything other than their mouths).

2.  I take them to daycare

Yes, I’m that mom, and if you took your dog to daycare, you would know why we do.  Best money ever spent, and I don’t even have to pack a lunch for them!

Much like mothers of human babies, I also worry about what they’re learning at daycare.  I fear one day Shady Jack will come home and drop the f-bomb.  I know that guy is learning bad language from all the other pups, as it certainly wouldn’t come from my angel.

3.  I’m up at least twice during the night with them

From whimpering to peeing to running out of water, I’m up with them a few times a night when all I really want to do is sleep.  Matt and I take turns pretending to be asleep so we don’t have to get up.  We’re just like a real family!

Jack in rescued collar4.  One of them is always going to the doctor

From the sniffles to randomly being attacked by two dogs, one of them is always going to the doctor for something.  We haven’t had a pink eye outbreak yet, but I know it’s coming.  (No thanks to daycare.)

5.  I spoil them with toys and treats they don’t need

Do they need baskets full of toys and an entire cabinet of treats?  Not anymore than your kid needs 10 Barbie dolls and a Malibu playhouse.

Yet, whenever I’m at a pet store, I feel obligated to get them something.  After all, they deserve it, right?

Bentley in bowtie6.  I talk to them in a baby voice.

I don’t want to admit this, but I do.  I sometimes talk to them like they’re babies and I ask them questions.  I don’t expect answers from them…yet…they’re only toddlers.

7.  I assume everyone wants to see pictures and hear stories about them.

Much like moms with their wallets full of baby photos, I’m the same way with my iPhone full of dog pics. Do you want to see them?  Not any more than I want to see the photo of your kid’s school picture.

He's actually running!

8.  I’m convinced they’re the cutest things ever and no one has cuter babies.

This is not up for debate.  I’m convinced of it because it’s 100% true.

9.  I will personally inflict pain to anyone who hurts them.

For reals.  Don’t even think about it.

10.  Our house is in constant disarray because of their toys and play time.

They can’t learn to put their toys away before getting out more, and I’ve often threatened to take them away if they don’t start taking care of them better.

Shady Jack in tuxI then burst into tears because I realize I’ve turned into my mother.

11.  They’re the reason we sometimes miss social events.

From missing a charity event because Bentley ingested stuffing from a toy, to missing a road trip with friends because Shady Jack’s junk was bleeding, we seem to miss events just as much as other parents do.

12.  Our friends are comprised of their friends’ parents

Just like soccer moms team up together in their velour track suits with their cup of espresso, dog moms team up together in their dog-walking clothes with their handful of poo bags.  It’s a shared bond, and no, you can’t join in.

13.  I correct other parents on their parenting styles

If I see someone handling their dog in a way I don’t agree with, I say something.  Did they ask me for help as I passed them while walking down the street?

No, but I’m sure they’re happier to have my wisdom, as I’m clearly an excellent dog parent.  Moms on the playground do the same thing.

Everyone hates those moms.

All 3 at photo shoot14.  I spend most of my disposable income on them

Have you seen the cute toys, bones, treats, collars, leashes and games you can buy for your dogs?  If you have, you definitely have a living room full of Angry Bird dog toys and doggie iPhones.

15. Conflicting parenting styles are a source of arguments

At times, Matt and I will disagree about which way is the best way to discipline the dogs.  Obviously, since I’m always right, my parenting style is correct.

However, it takes him a minute before I beat him down he comes to his senses and realizes my way is the right way.

See?  I’ve convinced you why I’m a mother.  I’ve also convinced you I’m a crazy dog person who probably needs to get a grip on reality, but you knew that already.  You read this blog.

Much like all moms, I love my boys far more than I should, and I wouldn’t trade the three of them for anything in the world.  I couldn’t be happier with them, and I’m so lucky I get to be their mom.

And just like other moms, I don’t have a favorite.*

*I totally have a favorite.

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Happy Mother’s Day to two of my favorite moms.  One of them gave birth to me and the other gave birth to the apple of my eye, my sweet niece, Miss K. The other handsome dudes in the photos are my dad and my brother, as if you couldn’t figure that out.

photo credit: idogcow via photopin cc

photo credit: idogcow via photopin cc

Anyone who has ever worked in a place where idiots have access to email knows the ridiculous emails sent  in a given day.

I’m often amazed that people take the time to type an email telling others the freezer is out of ice.

Granted, I’m usually the one who takes the last of the ice, so it’s no newsflash to me.

I despise the people who “reply all” and believe they’re the worst email offenders.  The especially heinous ones are those who respond to everyone with  “ha ha ha.”

From time to time my readers send me things.  It can be stories about their lives or comments on how they’ve had similar experiences.  (It can also be photos of cats in bathing suits.   I enjoy those the best.)

Recently I was made aware of an email sent to everyone in an office about a missing plant.  Yes.  A missing plant.

Since I don’t have the original email, I’ve decided to draft my own.  I’ve received a lot of idiotic emails over the years so I feel confident I can draft one similar to the original.

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Re:  Missing Plant

TO:  allstaff

From:  Trudy Photosynthesis

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Dear EVERYONE,

Stop what you’re doin’ cuz I’m about to ruin your day.  (Thank you Digital Underground for those inspiring words.  They’ve never rang more true.)

There’s no way to prepare you for the news I have, so I’m not going to beat around the bush.  <sob…sob…I wish I had a bush to beat around>

There’s been a kidnapping!  Or should I say a plantnapping.  Either way, a living, breathing, thing has been snatched away from his loving mom.

I’m talking about the large plant in my office.  It has been stolen.  Yes, stolen, or dare I say “Taken.”  I now know how Liam Neeson felt in those horrible movies.

missing plantI’m not sure who the culprits are but am launching a full investigation to find out.

Everyone will be questioned and no one is safe…just like my plant isn’t safe until he’s returned.

This isn’t something to just leaf alone.  <sob…sob…he has the most beautiful leaves>

If you want to come forward now and confess, allow this email to serve as my olive branch to you.  <sob…sob….I miss his branches.>

If you do not come forward, I will find you, and I will beat you with a stick.  Hopefully a stick from my plant…if he’s still alive.

I’m worried about his safety.  I can’t help but imagine the worst; him in a closet gasping for light and water.  The horror of it all!  (The Little Shop of Horrors)

How does this affect you?  It affects all of you.  He’s responsible for turning carbon dioxide into oxygen, so we all depend on him to breathe.  I will die if he’s not found.  Literally.  We will all die.  He’s really the lifeblood of this office.

drawn sunHe also needs to be returned by Friday, as he needs to take his medicine that day.  Miracle Grow is key to his functional development and I don’t want him falling behind the other plants in the building.

There is a growing need to find him.  <sob…sob…growing…>

I fear for his safety, mostly because there was no ransom note left.  I’m not sure what the plantnappers demands are so I don’t know how to proceed.

Are you looking for additional pens?  Multi-colored Post-its?  Name your price.  I have an extra stapler I’m willing to part with.  It’s designer brand so it’s a high value item.  It’s a Swingline.

There was no trail of dirt so we have no leads at this time.  Please remember he is a green fern, about 2 feet wide and 2 feet tall.

He is in a red pot, which makes his leaves pop and accentuates his roots nicely.

Please stop everything you’re doing and help me find this precious and delicate little flower.  (But he doesn’t actually have flowers.)  No one is safe until he’s found.  This should be your top priority

Urgently,

Trudy

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Wanna find me other places on the web this week?

Top 9 Ways Preschool is Like a Winery

**WARNING: There are several cliches in this post, although I think they apply, which is why I’m using them. I apologize in advance.

As many of you know, I’ve been dealing with some medical struggles lately. I am doing very well and treatment has been very
successful. I am returning to work and will be avoiding exercise and mocking myself in no time..so basically…I will be back to business as usual.

Through this experience I’ve learned a few things I’d like to impart onto you. Enjoy life. Enjoy every moment and take nothing for granted. Make a point every day to stop and think of 3 things you’re grateful for. The sun, the first signs of spring, the sound of your spouse’s laugh. Stop and appreciate these little things each day because they’re not really little things. They’re THE things that make your life so great.

Be positive and refuse to let others bring you down. Negativity breeds more negativity so remove it from your life. Surrounding yourself with those who gossip, speak poorly of others and are just overly negative will do nothing but make you feel bad about yourself. Avoid those people and say a prayer that they find their happiness. Hope that whatever is so horrible in their lives that is making them behave so poorly is soon removed and they can see life for the joy that it is.

Remember, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” That couldn’t be more true. Don’t give your consent to feel negative about yourself or behave negatively. The high road is a much better route.

Some people will never change, and you must accept that. But YOU can. You choose to see life the way you want to. Each morning you make a decision to either enjoy the day or dread it. It’s up to you and I encourage you to make the positive choice. Negative things will always happen, but the way we handle them is what truly defines us. Looking for the positive in even the smallest of negative things is the key to truly finding your happiness.

Look at the world through rose colored glasses. I assure you the view is beautiful.

So my friends, treat each person you encounter with respect. Remember that they have struggles and burdens too. The person who cut you off in traffic may be racing to the ER because his wife had a stroke. The clerk who snapped at you may be miserable because she’s working a 12 hour shift. You choose how you react and I encourage you to react in a positive way. I try my best to live this way and I’ve found it’s part of what has kept me so upbeat during this time.

People won’t remember you based on your house, your clothes or your car. They will remember how you made them feel. That’s what defines you as a person. Nothing else matters. Make sure your legacy is a good one. Otherwise, your time here on Earth is pointless.

Remember that life is short and precious. Live it each day and don’t take things for granted. Enjoy the ones you love and go for your dreams. If you’ve always wanted to go to Europe, plan it. Don’t wait. If you want to lose that weight, start the diet and take it one day at a time. Each day of life is a success…each moment a triumph.

Difficult times will come upon us. They’re inevitable, but how we handle them is what defines us. Anyone can be kind and positive when times are good. It takes a strong person to remain that way when times are bad.

I find strength and inspiration in quotes, and this quote has brought me so much hope during this challenging time.

“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.”
–Eleanor Roosevelt

It’s so true. Going through difficult times makes us stronger if we approach it with the right attitude.

I leave you with this, my dear readers. Don’t take life for granted. Smile each day and remind yourself daily how lucky you are for the shoes on your feet and the sun overhead. Although the little negative things don’t matter, the little positive things make all the difference.

Thanks to each of you!

Lisa Newlin

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Just want to be alone 3dAs many of you know, my husband is hilarious, even though most of the time it isn’t intentional.  Aside from making us all laugh with his insightful comments, he’s helped me become published in another book!

Believe it or not, I was selected by the amazingly wonderful Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat to be part of her newest book, “I Just Want to Be Alone,” which is a follow up to her successful “I Just Want to Pee Alone.”

I know.  I can’t believe it either.

It’s a humor book about the men in our lives and the funnier parts of being in a relationship.

The good news is that although it comes out on March 22, 2014,  you can pre-order a copy now.

You can get the Kindle version or the paperback version, or both because you love me and want to have access to my musings wherever you go.

pay no attentionTo pre-order, go now and spend the best few bucks you’ll ever spend.  You’ll thank me for it.  I promise.

Kindle: click here

Paperback:  click here

*The links for Nook, iTunes, and Smashwords will be updated after the book is released on March 22nd.*

Who else is in the book?  Some awesomely funny ladies, many of whom I have blog crushes on.  Check them out!

And thank you to each of you.  I wouldn’t have the confidence to continue to write if you weren’t so supportive of me.

I love knowing I make you laugh and that means everything to me.

Here are the funny ladies!

People I Want To Punch In The Throat

Baby Sideburns

Moms Who Drink and Swear

AK Turner

Bad Parenting Moments

Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Diva

The Ugly Volvo

Let Me Start By Saying

Motherhood WTF?

Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Frugalista Blog

Toulouse and Tonic

Nicole Leigh Shaw

Somewhat Sane Mom

My Life Suckers

The Mom of the Year

Hollow Tree Ventures

When Crazy Meets Exhaustion

Funny is Family

Abby Has Issues

Kissing the Frog

Nurse Mommy Laughs

Our Small Moments

I’m Still Learning

The Fordeville Diaries

You’re My Favorite Today

Life on Peanut Layne

Loripalooza

I Love Them the Most When They Are Sleeping

Ironic Mom

From Meredith to Mommy

The Nomad Mom Diary

649.133: Girls, the care and maintenance of

Keeper of the Fruit Loops

Magnolia Ripkin

 

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At the Ritz in West Palm beach

Based on the title of this post, you are probably thinking I’m going to talk about Christina Aguilera’s song “Survivor” in this post.  Unfortunately, that is not the case, although I would encourage you to hum that song while you read.

Seriously.  Hum it.

As some of you may know, I’m struggling with some medical issues.  It’s not something I’ve discussed with many people, nor do I intend to.  Although most of my life is an open book, this is one of the few things I want to keep private, and I appreciate people supporting my wishes.

I’m off work for treatment and although it’s a bit early to tell if it’s working, I am confident it will.

With that said, the point of this post isn’t to talk about me, but to encourage all of you to do a few things .(One of those is obviously to hum Christina Aguilera tunes, but you should already be doing that).

First, I encourage you to know your family health history.  Many medical conditions are either genetic or conditions that run in families.  Because of this it’s important to know the medical histories of your parents, grandparents, etc., if at all possible.

My favorite spa in the world!  The Eau Spa at the Ritz Carlton in West Palm Beach, Florida.  This is my happy place.

My favorite spa in the world! The Eau Spa at the Ritz Carlton in West Palm Beach, Florida. This is my happy place.

Knowing these things can make you more aware of predispositions you may have to things, and ultimately, could save your life.

Second, I encourage you to embrace and appreciate those around you.  Okay, maybe don’t physically embrace them, as the cashier at the checkout might not find your hug quite as endearing as you would like.  You might find your way to an assault charge if you take this advice literally.

Rather, simply appreciate those around you.  Yes, it’s cold and the snow can be a pain, but it’s also beautiful and provides a brightness that is otherwise missing during the winter months.  Yes, work can be difficult but it also provides a paycheck to allow you to live your life.

Not only should you appreciate those little things around you, but appreciate your loved ones as well.  I can say from my recent experiences that my family and close friends have been invaluable to me.  Every now and then stop and take stock of your life and all the amazing people you have in it.

The women's jacuzzi room at the Eau Spa.  The shower changes colors and the lounge chairs are heated stone that contour to your body.

The women’s jacuzzi room at the Eau Spa. The shower changes colors and the lounge chairs are heated stone that contour to your body.

I’ve never been so grateful for my husband as I have been these past few months.  I’ve realized some of the friends I have are the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I’m not sure I would have come to that conclusion until now, and I’m grateful this has made me aware of it.

Although I’m certainly upset with my diagnosis, among other things, it’s shown me  how many amazing people I have in my life.  It’s sad that something had to happen to demonstrate that to me, but I’m glad I’ve had that realization.

I’m hoping to impart that to you.  Don’t wait for something bad to come into your life.  Tell the people who matter how much they mean to you.  They need to know, and you need to realize just how much amazing people can impact your life.

I will get through this time and emerge a stronger woman on the other side.  I’m confident of that, but only because I have such an amazing group of people supporting me.

My father had a brain tumor several years ago.  The doctors weren’t hopeful but operated anyway, as they had nothing to lose.  Fortunately, my father survived and has been cancer-free for 25 years.

I have no idea how my dad fought through that, especially with the added stress of being self-employed and having a wife and children to support.  I also have no idea how my mom made it through that time.  Both of them are stronger than I will ever be.

My feet in one of the reflection pools

My feet in one of the reflection pools

With that said, I know I can do this.  If my parents could get through such a grim diagnosis, I can certainly deal with mine and move forward with my life.  So can you.  So can anyone.

I truly believe the positive attitude they have is part of what led to his successful treatment.  The love and support of others was also a big component as well.

A few years ago, his only sibling was diagnosed with cancer as well.  She also went through successful treatment and is still the amazing woman she was before her diagnosis.

I tell you these stories not only to demonstrate how awesome my family is, but for two reasons.  First, to demonstrate how important knowledge of your family medical history can be.

I'm thankful for the beach.  It's truly where I'm the happiest.

I’m thankful for the beach. It’s truly where I’m the happiest.

Both siblings had a cancer diagnosis, which is certainly telling that it can run in the family.  Sure, this could be a coincidence, but based upon other family history, I suspect it is not.

Second, this story demonstrates the importance of enjoying each moment and cherishing those around you.  We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, and all we can do is live for today.  Enjoy every possible moment with your loved ones.

Enjoy your pets, the taste of a good dinner and the fresh air outside.  Soak in every wonderful moment of life, as you never know what the future could bring.

I’m grateful for my husband.  He’s been the most amazing and understanding person and I couldn’t go through this without him.  I’m thankful for my family, who knows and understands what I’m going through, and is always there to support me.

I’m grateful for my friends.  Although only those closest to me know my struggles, I’m overwhelmed with the support they’ve shown.  My dearest friends show support and love everyday, from going with me for frozen yogurt to just sitting with me when I need that.

lisa at beach

Life really is a beach…especially if you’re on one!

I’m grateful for my dogs, as they have been the best snuggle buddies a girl could ever ask for.  I’m grateful for my employer, who has been nothing short of amazing with me taking time off.

I’m also thankful for each of you.  Knowing you enjoy reading what I write is so rewarding.  There’s nothing better than when someone tells me my writing made their day.  If you’ve ever done that, allow me to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe this random post is just to encourage you to enjoy your life, pay attention to those people and things that matter, and forget the rest.  Life is too short to get caught up in trivial things that don’t matter.  It’s not worth your time or your energy.

I’d like to think that when I pass, my eulogy won’t be about how I was a lawyer, worked hard, and made a good life for myself.  I’d like to think it will be about how I lived my life for every moment and how I saw the humor in situations.

I’m taking that advice now, and will move forward with smiles and laughter.  Fortunately, I have amazing people who will help make that happen.  I encourage all of you to do the same.

Now go download Christina Aguilera.

I'm a survivor

One of the dogs I saved...just kidding!  This is my favorite dog at the rescue shelter where I volunteer.  Isn't he perfection? http://strayrescue.org/adopt/heisenberg

One of the dogs I saved…just kidding! This is my favorite dog at the rescue shelter where I volunteer. Isn’t he perfection? http://strayrescue.org/adopt/heisenberg

Sorry I’ve been so MIA lately.  I’ve been busy saving orphans from burning buildings and pushing kittens out of the way of oncoming traffic.

No I haven’t.  I’m allergic to kittens.

Regardless of all the charitable and selfless things I’ve been doing, I’ve been splattered over the internet in other places, even if it’s not this fantastic blog you so adore and check only when you’re on the toilet or in a boring meeting.

I’ll take what I can get.

Nickmom.com still hasn’t fired me for some strange reason and continues to publish me.  Much like your proclivity to read my posts from the $h*tter, let’s not judge and just accept it for what it is.

Here’s my latest post about the similarities between juice boxes and wine.  Read it and enjoy.  NOTE:  This post is best read while enjoying wine.  Wait, all my posts are best enjoyed that way.

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http://www.nickmom.com/more-lols/similarities-between-wine-and-juice-boxes/xid=lisanewlin

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You should read her site just because she's adorable. http://www.menopausalmom.com/p/about-me.html

Isn’t she adorable?http://www.menopa
usalmom.
com/p/about-
me.html 

Here’s the other piece that has me splattered all over the internet. It’s the things I’ve learned from Sandra Bullock’s movies…and ironically, one of them is not that they’re also best served with wine.

This is posted at my friend Marcia Doyle’s hilarious page.  I aspire to her awesomeness and her waistline.

Show her some love because she also saves orphans from burning buildings.  She also likes wine.  Isn’t that enough to love her?

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http://www.menopausalmom.com/2013/12/wacky-wednesday-writers-guest-post-by.html?

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There you have it!  Places you can find me last week on the web.  You can also find me in some unfortunate videos on line as well, but I’ve done my best to bury those.  Don’t judge.  I had to pay for law school somehow…

I’m not a huge hockey fan, but what I am a fan of is dimples and a sexy butt. (This is one of the primary reasons I married my husband.) I don’t follow hockey regularly.  If I want to watch two people beat each other up, I’ll just watch my neighbors get into it across the street.

Plus, the hot dogs and beer are cheaper at my house.

However, as a St. Louis resident, I know I should at least be able to identify the regular players on the St. Louis Blues hockey team. It’s not so much to talk to them about hockey, but to reserve judgment if they talk to me and (1) sound hoosier and (2) are missing teeth.

One of the most dreamy of the St. Louis Blues is the assistant captain, Alex Steen. Yummy.

I feel like I should insert some lame joke here about how I wouldn’t mind melting the ice with that hottie, or make some inappropriate comment about a word that rhymes with puck.

But I’m classy, and you expect more from me out of a blog post, so I won’t stoop to that level.

steen.pngI don’t mean to brag, but last week I went on a date with Alex Steen.

Okay, maybe he didn’t see it as a date, but I did.

I talked to my husband about it, so don’t think you need to keep this dirty little secret for me (although that would be a great way to find out if he reads my blog).

The date occurred last Monday night. I realize Monday night isn’t a typical date night, but I’m no typical girl.

It started out as a meeting for an animal rescue group where I volunteer.

The location was at a restaurant/bar and after our meeting a handful of people (the dedicated ones), stayed to drink more. We’re really good volunteers.

Later in the evening is when my date, Alex Steen, stopped by. Although I was a few drinks in, I can assure you it was him. Other people saw us together and they can corroborate.

I promise.

Granted, we were sitting around with a group of about five of us, but I’m pretty sure this evening counted as a date with Alex Steen. Here’s why:

1. He paid for my dinner and drinks

photo credit: sarah_connors via photopin cc

photo credit: sarah_connors via photopin cc

Okay, so he paid for everyone’s dinner and drinks, but whatever. That’s just the kind of guy he is. I secretly think he paid the tab because he heard about the kind of girl I used to be, and was hoping to get some over-the-shirt boob action. (He totally could have).

Why does this make it a date? How many dates do you go on where the guy pays for the meal and drinks? If you’re a smart dater, (and I am), those are the only dates you go on.

If a guy doesn’t pay on the first date, then I don’t return his call for the second. Any guy I go out with needs to learn early that I like to eat, and he has to support that habit.

Picking up the tab on a first date is customary when the guy is interested in the woman. This is obviously what happened here.

steen and dog

2. He touched my leg more than once

Yeah, that’s right. He touched my leg.

I shall never wash those pants again…if only they were my Pajama Jeans! Several times throughout the night his hand and arm brushed upon my leg.

I’m sure he will say it was an accident, and we were sitting so close that it was inevitable that he would brush up against me. But we both know the truth.

He sooo wanted me.

3. We talked about our common interests

Here he is rescuing a puppy with the rescue I work with.

I love dogs. Shocking, right? Guess who else loves dogs? Alex Steen!

We are a perfect match! I mean, how many people on this planet share a love of dogs?

Wait…um…that might be a lot…but he shares my love of this particular rescue. Doesn’t that equal a love connection?

Sure, many of my friends also love this same organization and I’m not planning our weekend getaway together (it would be at a Four Seasons resort and spa), but Alex and I share a true bond.

Just ask him.

4. He laughed at my jokes

Isn’t that another sign of a good first date? He regularly laughed at my jokes and even engaged in discussion with me.

Okay, maybe they weren’t so much jokes, as just sentences I made; and maybe they weren’t so much sentences as incoherent comments with a string of conjunctions strewn inbetween.

Whatever the reason, he was laughing at the same time I was, which is fine with me. Whomever said “as long as they are laughing with you and not at you” is an idiot and has clearly never laid eyes on Alex Steen.

5. He looked longingly into my eyes

photo credit: sarah_connors via photopin cc

photo credit: sarah_connors via photopin cc

Yes, he looked longingly. Okay, maybe it wasn’t longingly so much as he was looking into my eyes to see if I was sober enough to drive home, but either way, he looked into my eyes.

Can you say that about the dreamy Steenster?

He obviously cares about me if he didn’t want me to drive home if I wasn’t sober. He has my back because he obviously wanted to see me again. I’m sure it didn’t have anything to do with the fact he’s training for the season and didn’t want to be associated with scandal that would result in his “girlfriend” getting in a car accident.

He probably just didn’t want the stress of worrying about me. He’s such a caring guy.

So there you have it; all the reasons why last Monday I had a date with Alex Steen. Don’t be too jealous, as you can watch him on TV as you root for The St. Louis Blues in the playoffs.

But hands off the Steenster. He’s mine.