Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com - (1)Hello my friends!  I am back from a long hiatus from blogging. I’m sure you missed me, but I’m sure you missed my husband more. It’s okay.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that my readers love my hubby more than they love me.  Then again, what’s not to love, especially when he says some of the things he says.

So let’s get to it.  I have a long list because it’s been a while since I’ve done this so settle in for some good laughs. And I’ll say it again….he’s all mine….be jealous.

Parking Expert

Matt: “People who back into parking spaces should be sterilized.”

Receptionist

Matt:  “You need to pick up your prescription from Walgreens. They keep calling me and leaving me angry messages.”
Lisa: “It’s a recording.”
Matt:  “She has a tone.”

photo 2 (14)Humble Husband

Lisa:  “You’re such a martyr.
Matt:  “No I’m not.” <whispers while looking down> “I’m just a really good guy.

Accepting of Others

Matt: <while watching some woman do something strange> “What’s this bitch doing? Aside from being a bitch?

Equine Expert

Lisa:  “Why do they say ‘I have to pee like a race horse?‘”
Matt:  “Because they have to pee a lot.”
Lisa: “But then why don’t they just go pee if they have to pee? Why wait?
Matt: “This conversation is boring.

photo 1 (13)Animal Lover

Lisa: <Observing Matt pushing around the outside plants with a broom> “What are you doing? Looking for critters like chipmunks?”
Matt:  “I don’t care about chipmunks. They’re awesome and fight danger in their spare time. I’m looking for snakes. Snakes serve no purpose.” <begins singing “Chip and Dale’s” theme song>

Partier

Matt:  “What do you want to do tonight? Well, not so much do as watch.

Compassionate Man

photo 3 (10)Matt:  “My eye is starting to droop. Oh no!
Lisa:Don’t talk to me about droopy eyes. I’ve had a droopy eye for a year.
Matt:  “It’s not a competition. Let me have this.”

Insightful

Matt:  “Remember that movie ‘The Land Before Time?’ When Little Leaf’s mom died and he saw his shadow and thought it was her so he started running to it and it kept getting smaller?
Lisa:Yes.
Matt:  “Who the hell wrote that? It’s some f*cked up sh*t.
Lisa:  “This is super random.”
Matt:  “What? I was just trying to make conversation.”

photo 2 (16)Non Judgmental

Matt:  “I’m telling you. That woman is awful. Exhibit B…For bitch.

Motivated Guy

Matt:  “I’m sleepy.
Lisa:  “You were in bed 3 hours ago.”
Matt:  “I know. I miss it.

Easily Impressed

Lisa:  “I just typed all of that on my phone without looking and there was no errors.
Matt:  “Yeah. You do that when you’re typing on the computer too. I think you think it impresses me.

photo (14)World History Expert

Matt:  “When The Italians invented pizza it was pepperoni.”
Lisa:  “You don’t know if that’s true.
Matt:  “You don’t know it’s not true.

Delightful Company

Lisa:  “You know, you’re no picnic yourself.”
Matt:  “I’m a picnic. I’m a picnic in goddamned Central Park.

Fashion Expert

Matt:  “Look at that guy’s hair. He looks like he stepped out of the 80sDo people even do their hair like that? Do hair stylists even do that to people?

photo 4 (1)Wordsmith

Matt:Where’s all this sass coming from? I didn’t know it was Sass-ur-day.

Patriotic

Matt:  “…Because we live in STL. Americas asshole.

Humble Man

Matt:  <cleaning glasses>
Lisa:  “Are those your regular glasses or your Warby Parker’s?”
Matt:  “Warby Parkers. ………I know.
Lisa:  “You know what?
Matt:  “I just thought you were going to say I looked good in them.

Christmas EveLightly Scented

Lisa:  “Wow. That’s a lot of cologne you just sprayed. Trying to impress someone?
Matt:  “No. I’m just not sure how dirty this shirt is.”

Sympathetic Citizen

Lisa:  “They still haven’t found those two guys who escaped from prison.”
Matt:  “I still haven’t found my glasses…I get it.

Fixer Of Things

Matt:  “The hose is flowing fine now….like my rhymes!”

Did you like this edition? Did it give you your Matt Newlin fix?  Which one was your favorite?

Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com -Yesterday Matt and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. And by “celebrated” I mean we took a nap after work, went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall Thai place, watched “Game of Thrones” and were in bed by 9:30.

What? That’s not what you were thinking was a perfect way to celebrate a 5th year of marital bliss?

So I assume you will forgive me for being a day late on what is clearly my readers’ favorite blog post of the month. Last month was definitely my favorite but Matt said some real gems this month too. He’s really out doing himself.

I won’t make you read my words anymore and will just get you to the crack that is this monthly column. Enjoy!

Supportive Husband

Lisa:  “I need to go to the gym. I need you to make me go to the gym whenever you go.”
Matt:  “Ok.”
Lisa:  “I mean it. Don’t make me go, but–
Matt:  “Sweetie, I understand the fine line I’m walking here.”

Music Fanatic

Lisa:  “That song is catchy.”
Matt:  “Yeah.  Like Goddamned syphilis.”

photo 3Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “I’m going to turn off the light. Can you use a book light to read?”
Lisa:  “Um. Ok.”
Matt:  “I don’t want to resent you if you leave it on, but this light hurts my eyes.”

Multi-tasker

Matt:  “There’s just not enough hours in the day…to get in all the sleep I want.”

Health Nut

Matt:  “We need to eat more legumes.”
Lisa:  “You don’t like them. It’s beans and stuff.”
Matt:  “I like some of them. I like jelly legumes.”

Attention to detail

Lisa:  “Did you see I finally framed that photo and put it up?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I noticed it yesterday but didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how long it had been up.”

Manly Man

Lisa:  “Why don’t you use that Caress body wash in the shower?”
Matt:  “I don’t think Caress can handle my body odor. I sweat like a man.”

photo 2Articulate

Matt:  “Where are the things and the stuff?”

Neat freak

Lisa:  “What’s with this stain on the floor?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I tried to clean it. I didn’t try that hard.”

Party Pooper

Matt:  <he says out of nowhere> “You know what I was never a fan of?”
Lisa:  “What?”
Matt:  “The hokey pokey. I just didn’t see what all the hype was about.”

Friend To All

Lisa:  “…and that’s why people like her.”
Matt:  “What?! People love me! I mean, except for that bitch.”

Pillow Talker

Matt:  “We have to get up. If I lay here much longer I’m going to fall asleep.
Lisa:  “Our stimulating conversation can’t keep you awake?”
Matt:  “No, it won’t.”

Lisa and Matt date nightAttention To Detail

Matt:  “Ah! I have dried shaving cream in my ear. Ah! It’s in my other ear. That’s not good. I had meetings today!”

Martyr

Lisa:  <after explaining why he has to use both body wash and soap>  “It’s exhausting being you isn’t it?”
Matt:  “Yeah. Why do you think I’m tired all the time?”

Excellent Coworker

Matt:  “I have to bring a rotisserie to a potluck tomorrow.”
Lisa:  “Thanks for not offering me to make a ham like you did last time. It’s a lot of work.”
Matt:  “How would you know? You never made it.”

Friend of Fashion

Matt:  “You have a stain on your shirt.”
Lisa:  “Really? Is it noticeable?”
Matt:  “Not more than your other shirts.”

Honest Spouse

Lisa:  <Hears a smash in the basement.> “Did I just hear something break?”
Matt:  <Coming from the sound of the smash>  “No.  Hey, did you break this vase down here?”

Modest

Matt:  “It takes a lot to keep up with this beauty.  Some might think it’s easy, but it takes work.”

weddingLover of Children (But Not In A Creepy Way)

Matt:  “That kid has been playing by himself for two hours. It’s sad as shit.”

Considerate of Others’ Problems

Lisa:  “I’m still mad at you for throwing out those flowerpots.”
Matt:  “Sounds like a YP and not a MP.”
Lisa:  “What’s that?”
Matt:  “A ‘your problem’ not ‘my problem.'”

photo 1 (3)Accepting of Others

Matt:  “I didn’t know you were running for judicial office……Miss Judgey.”

Frugal Shopper

Lisa:  “If I had a truck I would pick up so much free stuff from Craigslist.”
Matt:  “You don’t need to buy a bunch of stuff.
Lisa:  “I wouldn’t buy it. It would be free.”
Matt:  “I know. I didn’t say ‘buy.'”
Lisa:   “Yes you did. You said ‘buy.'”
Matt:  “I’m saying ‘bye’ to this conversation.”

All joking aside, happiest of anniversaries to my beloved husband.  I really do adore him!

Which was your favorite?

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Other places I’m on the web this week!

9 Things Your Husband Does That Should Be Sexy But Totally Aren’t

8 Ridiculously Petty (And Funny) Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

Woohoo!  The 10 Stages of Getting Wedding Drunk (As Told Through Funny Gifs)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends (But Never Her Husband) 

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

signs you're not a gardenerSpring is in the air, which means your eyes are puffy from pollen and you go from using your heater to your air conditioner all in the span of 24 hours.

For as long as I can remember, my parents spent the weekends in the spring and summer cultivating their gardens (and their wine habit). I always assumed I would follow in their footsteps, albiet those steps were stepping stones in a sea of green grass.

However, for some reason I missed the gardening-loving gene, although I did inherit the wine habit.

I learned the hard way that I didn’t have a green thumb. Unfortunately, my hostas and my manicure fell victim to this lesson.

However, in the hopes of saving the world from unnecessary manicure massacres, I’ve compiled a list to help you figure out if you’re a gardener or not.

1.  You think buying plant food means ordering a salad.

http://giphy.com

2.  You like your garden clean and free of dirt.

3.  You prefer to do all gardening indoors.

 

4.  You think a spade is only something in a deck of cards.

 

5.  Wearing gloves isn’t enough to convince you to touch dirt.

 

6.  You can’t keep your artificial plants alive.

 

7.  You don’t look good in hats and your skin is far too delicate for direct sunlight.

8.  You always tip over the watering can.

9.  Even drawings of flowers make you break out in hives.

 

10.  You think gardening is sexy only when it’s done by the sexy hunk you hired.

 

Hopefully this list helped you decide if you have a green thumb.  Personally, it’s not the thumb I think of when I think of gardening.

It’s another finger entirely…


Other places on the web this week where I’m cracking people up!

8 Ridiculously Petty Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

10 “Wierd” Things That Couples Do That Are Totally Normal

 

PerspectiveI rarely cry. I’m not kidding.  I probably break down in tears 2 or 3 times a year.  I’ve just never been one to cry (probably because I’m an ugly crier). Granted, I avoid sad movies and that horrible Sarah McLachlan commercial with the sad animals, but still. I rarely cry.

As you may know, I’ve had some health issues for about a year and a half and for some reason they continue. I’m not sure if it’s because the universe thinks I can take it, or if this is its way of bitch-slapping me.

It’s probably 50/50.

I take a positive approach to everything and have tried to take this on the chin, but it’s getting kind of difficult. I feel crappy all the time and feel like I’m losing a sense of myself because I’m usually a zombie from the medicines. Lately I’ve felt like if I could cry, I might feel better, but then again, I can’t cry.  (See above.)

So today I was feeling especially miserable so I emailed my husband.  I didn’t want to talk but wanted to touch base with him as we normally do throughout the day. I told him I was frustrated.

And then he sent me the most perfect email that changed everything.  He told me he loved our perfect marriage and our life together, and he told me to watch this.

And just like that, I began to cry. No, I began to wail like a baby.

Every negative thought I had about anything just drifted away. I was laying in bed watching this with Shady Jack at my side staring at me, Max at my feet and Bentley licking my tears away. I thought about how my husband was so thoughtful to say that this song reminded him of me and that he knew I needed this. I needed to cry. I needed to be reminded that things aren’t really that bad.

All of a sudden I realized that my life is amazing. Not because I have a huge house or an enormous diamond (because I don’t).  But because I have so many things that are invaluable to me. My dogs, my sweet niece, and my amazing husband. What else did I need?

I realized that what I really needed wasn’t necessarily to cry, but to gain some perspective. The universe wasn’t bitch-slapping me to be mean–it was bitch-slapping me because I needed it. I needed to focus on what’s really important in life. Somehow I got lost along the way worrying about paying the bills and when I’ll be able to return to work.

Yes, those things matter but they don’t matter as much as the love that surrounds me. That’s the real joy and that’s what life is all about.

My mom always says “The best things in life aren’t things.” I’ve always tried to live by that motto, but it’s good to be reminded of it every now and then.

So take a look around you. Not at what you physically have, but at the love that surrounds you. I bet you take it for granted.  I know I did.  But don’t.

There is nothing more important or precious than those you love, and that should be what gets you through those hard times. It isn’t money to pay the bills or having the newest gadget. It’s who makes you feel good about yourself and who supports you no matter what.

I’m so thankful for the bitch-slap. I needed it. Hopefully this post will bitch-slap you too.


 

Other Places I’m On The Web This Week!

8 Ridiculously Petty Fights My Husband And I Actually Had (with funny gifs!)

10 “Wierd” Things That Couples Do That Are Actually Totally Normal

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

 

Funny crap my husband says, March 2014 edition - lisanewlin.com -I’ve been gone for a while and some of you have actually noticed, which totally makes my day!  Granted, some of you may have inquired as to my absence if for no other reason than to wonder when more of my antics will appear so you can mock me.  I’m fine with it.

So what better way to celebrate my not-so-noticeable absence than with an installment of your favorite monthly column?  I must say that although I enjoy every month’s collections, this month is especially hilarious.

For those of you new to this column, every month I write down random funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.  Sadly, I don’t have access to writing utensils many of the times he says something extra hilarious, so many of them go forgotten.  But these are the ones I was able to save and happily share with you.  Enjoy.

The Saint

Matt:  “I have a headache.”
Lisa:  “Take some Tylenol.”
Matt:  “Nah.  It’s easier to sit here and complain about it.”

Completely Logical

Lisa:  “You always turn that lamp off whenever I turn it on.  Why?”
Matt:  “I have my reasons.”
Lisa:  “What are they?”
Matt:  “I’m not sure.”

Matt and Lisa at dinner at Scottish ArmsGood Samaritan

Matt:  “It’s a little slippery on the front step.  Be careful not to fall.”
Lisa:  “You be careful too.”
Matt:  “Oh, it’s not slippery for a normal person.  Just you.”

Purveyor of Fine Smells

Matt:  “It stinks.  Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt:  “Wait.  Did I fart?  Yep.  That’s me.”

Food Critic

Lisa:  “Sorry you hated the new recipe I tried tonight.”
Matt:  “I didn’t hate it.  It just…wasn’t good.”

Dance Expert

Lisa:  “My jaw keeps popping.”
Matt:  “Does it also keep locking?”

Activist

Matt:  “What kind of sandwich do you want me to order for you?
Lisa:  “The traditional.”
Matt:  “Is that a sandwich only to be shared between a man and a woman?”

VIP

Matt:  “I have to go to sleep now.  I have a big day tomorrow.  <pause> No I don’t.”

Matt and Lisa close up in NOLaid Back

Matt:  “I’m easy.  Like Sunday morning.  Do you know what my nickname was in high school?  Pie. Because I was that easy.  I should be a Cover Girl because I’m so easy and breezy.”

Criminal Outlaw

Lisa:  “If you go to trial on a speeding ticket, they would pull your driving record.”
Matt:  “Would they also pull my awesome record?  Because I think that’s relevant.  Do you know what that record would consist of?  My Facebook page.”

Topical Conversationalist

Matt:  “No one talks about El Nino anymore.  Let’s talk about that sh*t.

Grateful Husband

Matt:  “Can you get me a glass of water?
Lisa:  “Yes.”
Matt:  “Thanks.  I could make a sweater out of you because you’re a lamb.”

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Other places I’m on the Internet this week

10 “Weird” Things Couples Do That Are Totally Normal (with funny Gifs!)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends, But Not Her Husband (with funny Gifs!)

 

FAT TUESDAY

****This post was originally published a few years ago but it’s so perfect and fitting for Fat Tuesday, so give it another go.****

I’m pretty sure I didn’t have to write a blog post about how I love Fat Tuesday, as it’s pretty much a no-brainer. Any holiday with the word “fat” right in the title is obviously going to be observed by this girl. It’s pretty much a celebration of me and my fellow chub club peeps, and what we stand for…which is butter on everything and a side of Ranch dressing.

OMG! I just made up that chub club thing just now and it’s completely brilliant! I’m going to run with it. Okay, I won’t really physically run with it.  I will walk slowly with it or take a cab.  I think I’m going to start a Chub Club for real.

I will be the “Big Cheese” in charge of the outfit, and the members will be named after different variations of my favorite dairy products. This is genius! I predict t-shirts will be made soon with the smallest size being an XL (for the tiny people in the group). This is gold!

Sorry about hijacking my MjAxMi1hOWJkZTkyMDhjOGI2YmM4own post there, but when amazing ideas come to me, which is pretty much every hour, I need to write them down so I don’t forget them.

I’ve got so many irons in the fire right now that it’s hard to keep them all straight.  And by “irons in the fire” I mean “items in the microwave.”

Anyway, I feel like this post is a pretty obvious one and probably doesn’t need to be written, but then again, I thought Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had a love to last a lifetime, and look how that turned out.

You guys need guidance, and fortunately I’m here to serve.  However, I’m not here to serve you food; only wisdom. Scoop your own gravy, free loaders.

Perhaps the best part about Fat Tuesday is that it’s an actual holiday encouraging indulgence and gluttony.  Any other day of the year, society quietly judges you for overindulging.

Except in my case, society takes the form of my great aunt who doesn’t judge me quietly, but does so quite loudly from the seat next to me at dinner. “Wow, Lisa, you sure can eat an entire ham. Maybe you should grab some broccoli to round out your meal.”

charlie-sheen-fat-tuesday-mardi-gras-ecards-someecardsUm, maybe you should pick your teeth up off the table and shut up.

What other day of the year encourages engaging in a full day of complete gluttony? Thanksgiving is usually restricted to one meal of gorging, and the focus of the holiday isn’t simply stuffing one’s face with carbs (there’s desserts too!).

Apparently we are also supposed to remember the Indians on that day and how we killed them all with cholera blankets and STDs.  Not the happiest of holidays, although pie definitely makes it better. (Pie makes everything better. I think I should make that into a bumper sticker. It could be the slogan for my Chub Club.  I’M ON A ROLL TONIGHT!)

Unlike the short lived Thanksgiving with one big meal, Fat Tuesday encourages gluttony all day long! It’s the perfect day and it should be a national holiday. How can I be expected to work when I have a full cookie cake to eat? And that plate of nachos isn’t going to eat itself.

I can’t be expected to go to work on a day when the world is my oyster of food, and the oyster is on a cracker with Tabasco sauce.  Does my boss not want me to properly honor the holiday?  To basically flip off Fat Tuesday and all that it represents?  Apparently so.  My boss is obviously unpatriotic.

Fat Tuesday is also a great holiday because it actually celebrates being fat! All year long I’m made to feel embarrassed by my love handles and meaty thighs.

fat-tuesday-16

(I don’t feel bad about them, but it’s not for a lack of society’s attempts. They are relentless!)  But just this one day a year, society embraces fatness, one love handle at a time.

Wait, my husband just told me that Fat Tuesday isn’t a celebration of fat people at all. Apparently, he seems to think its a last hurrah of sorts before Lent starts and people give up stuff.  What does he know?  He’s skinny and clearly wants to bring me down on the best holiday of the year.

And if he doesn’t watch himself, he’s going to learn about giving up stuff…in this case, it will be the comfort of our memory foam mattress, as we don’t have one of those in the guest bedroom.

I’m not letting my husband’s nay saying bring me down on the best day of the year. I will relegate him to the guest bedroom so he can think about what he’s done, and so I can enjoy my last stash of Twinkies in peace without judgment. I will also be launching a Chub Club, as this is clearly one of my better ideas. It’s right up there with the Snuggie dress, which is a genius idea if I could just get some funding.

So enjoy Fat Tuesday, my friends. Celebrate your inner and outer fat kid, and if you come across nay sayers like my husband, feel free to throw a pie in their face and tell them they need to get in the holiday spirit.  But don’t waste a good pie.   That would be a tragedy.

funny crap my husband says, October 2014 (2)Another month has passed and we find ourselves in February; the armpit of the calendar year.  No one likes February because it’s cold and dreary and we’re required to have a day of love and being mushy, and I can’t stand that.

Fortunately, I’ve got some real gems for you this month of funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t at all trying to be funny.

Fiscally Conservative

Lisa:  “We need to make a house for that stray cat to keep him warm in these cold temperatures.”
Matt:  “We can’t do that.  There’s no way we can afford a second mortgage.”

Know-It-All

Matt:  “I knew it! Hashtag knowledge bomb.  Hashtag watch the sky.”

DSC00347Medical Expert

Lisa:  “I have a horrible headache.”
Matt:  “It’s probably because it’s cold outside and the cold is causing pressure on your brain since it’s shrinking.”
Lisa:  “But if it’s shrinking, wouldn’t it be causing less pressure?”
Matt:  “I don’t know.  I just know that the cold sucks.”

Art Enthusiast

Matt:  “That shirt is really booby.  Can you put those away?  Unless…that art exhibit is going to become interactive…

DSC00428Government Operative

Lisa:  “Do you know what the Office of the Inspector General does?
Matt:  “Yes.”
Lisa:  “What does it do?”
Matt:  “Why don’t you look it up and then I’ll tell you if you’re right?”
Lisa:  “You don’t know, do you?”
Matt:  “Of course I do.  They inspect things….generally.”

Hipster Extraordinaire

Matt:  “Really?  Did you read about that in Hipster Weekly?  Or rather, it would be Hipster Every 27 Days.”

DSC01063Doctor Love

Lisa:  “I want to get lipo suction.”
Matt:  “No.  Do you know how many people die from lipo?”
Lisa:  “No.  How many?”
Matt:  “I don’t know, but it’s not zero.”

Rand McNally

Lisa:  “Do you know where Papua New Guinea is?”
Matt:  “It’s right next to Mama New Guinea.”

Enjoy those?  Which was your favorite?

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Check out where else I am on the web!

YIKES! 12 Signs You’re With A Man And Not A Man-Child

10 Reasons Extroverts Make The Best Wives

The day has come for all you football fans out there.  It’s the culmination of a full season of cussing at the TV, yelling at the refs who clearly got it wrong, and cursing Bill Belichick because he can’t be bothered to wear a sweatshirt the way it was intended…with sleeves.

That last part may just be me, but seriously with that guy?  Would it kill him to not look like a slob for ONE game?  But then again, when he’s regularly on camera with such a beautiful specimen as Tom Brady, he is always going to look like a slob in comparison.  He probably figures he should not even try and just be comfortable.

Okay guys, stop googling images of a topless Tom Brady and focus on this amazing blog post.  Do I need to keep you here with eye candy?  I’m not above it.  <———There. Happy now?

Let’s get back on track, people!  After a season of hard work, two football teams will face off today in the Super Bowl.  It’s the biggest game of the year for those two teams.  It’s the….well….it’s the Super Bowl of…..well…Super Bowls.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday.  Even if you don’t care about football, today is the one day of the year where you pretend to care just so you attend a Super Bowl party.

Every year, I can’t help but laugh at the whole notion of Super Bowl parties.  On any given Sunday during football season, you can find a football lover laying on the couch watching the games, dozing in and out of consciousness.  Sunday football viewing is basically a full day of intermittent napping and football fans can’t be bothered to do anything with others as long as there are games on.

During the season, Sundays transform into a day of solitude for football lovers.

MANHATTANDon’t even think of talking to them during the game, as viewing the sport takes significant concentration.  In my experience, I find such concentration is most often achieved with closed eyes and snoring.

However, once we get to the biggest game of the year, all of a sudden everyone wants to celebrate with a party.  I truly believe the reason these parties happen is because football lovers know if they didn’t have people over, they would sleep through the big game too.  They need parties to keep them awake for the full event.

Fortunately, I’m a giving and caring person who wants to make dreams come true, so I’m happy to attend Super Bowl parties.  However, I take them quite seriously.  If I’m going to go, I want to make sure I’m prepared ahead of time.  I need to engage in a serious fact-gathering expedition before I make my final decision regarding what to root for.

This investigation usually starts days in advance.  I begin researching information about which teams and cities are in the final game and what colors they wear.  (I need to plan my outfit.)

But most importantly, I want to know the spread for the game.  Will there be nachos and dip, or chili and sandwiches?  Cookies and ice cream, or brownies and pies?

Wait…you didn’t think when I said I wanted to prepare myself for the big day that I was talking about educating myself on the teams, did you?  I simply need to know which city each team comes from to know if I will be walking into a theme-based party with food indicative of the teams.  (Clam chowder for New England or crab cakes for Seattle.)  And when I said I needed to plan my outfit, I meant I needed to locate pants with elastic.

You didn’t think when I referred to “the spread” that I was actually referring to gambling on the game, did you?  Do you read this blog at all?!  The only gambling I will be doing today is eating buffalo chicken dip without the benefit of a gallbladder.

I suspect the loser will be my friends’ bathroom.  (FYI…you know who you are and I would recommend stocking up on air freshener.)

To me, Super Bowl Sunday is an excuse to get together with friends and stuff my face with as many foods as possible.  It’s one of the biggest eating days of the year and I need to prepare myself, both mentally and physically.  I suggest you do the same.

As for the winners of this year’s Super Bowl, it’s too early to tell.  But I’ve got my money on the buffalo chicken dip.

I have serious writer’s block.  It affects most writers and I’m currently suffering from it, which means you’re suffering from not getting a post….until now.

Fortunately, my friend Ashley over at Big Top Family decided to help me out and do a guest post.  It’s the perfect post because it’s about angry exercising….as if there’s such a thing as happy exercising.

Here is a little about Ashley before we get started with the hilarity.

ashley_homepage_picAshley Allen is a multi-task-dysfunctional mom of three boys, including a set of twins, and a survivor of a weird childhood. She writes a circusy, irreverent humor blog at http://www.bigtopfamily.com about her childhood and adulthood, and always seems to find that the bridge between them isn’t as long as she thinks. When she’s not blogging or juggling the family  balls, you can find her ridonkulous musings on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest

EXERCISERI’ve always had a Love/Loathe relationship with exercise – mostly Loathe. But there have been times in my life that I have actually loved it, even though that love was an Angry Love. Let me explain.

The first time I recall ever consistently exercising, I was 20 years old and in desperate need of an exercise regimen outside of lifting beer mugs and slices of pizza to my greasy lips. I was living and working in a college town, having been ousted from the college itself with a .8 grade point average.  My dad had promptly pulled the plug on financial support, but I stayed in town because I was dating a townie who worked at JC Penney. VERY promising.

I got a job working as a drug store cashier to continue paying my rent, and my roommate happened to work at Pizza Hut, so her free pizza perks kept our grocery budget down.

It didn’t, however, have the same effect on my weight. I gained thirty pounds in the span of a year and a half, and even though my ass was the size of Texas, I couldn’t get it up and motivated to do any exercise at all.

Until I got dumped by Mr. JC Penney.

Mr. JCP was one of the Dipshidiots I mentioned in my Mama’s Boy post. You might recall that one of them was a seminarian? Well, Mr. JCP wasn’t a seminarian during the time we dated, but he went on to be one, I’m told. Back when we were dating, he kept breaking up with me so that he could stay celibate in preparation for his dream of becoming an Anglican Priest. That’s the kind, by the way, that can get married, so, uhhh, let’s not kid ourselves.

My guess is 90 percent of the straight guys who enter the seminary in their twenties have bagged at least one babe or two, and God’s not gonna hold that against them. I mean, being a guy, God’s probably even going to high-five them for it, with one of his gigantic hands.

Anywho. Mr. JCP would break up with me every other month or so because he said that’s what God wanted him to do, and I didn’t get too upset because who can get pissed off at God, for chrissakes? The last time he broke up with me, however, I found out that the Big Man Upstairs had nothing to do with it. In fact, it was the Little Man Downstairs that was calling all the shots, since Mr. JCP had been banging half the desperate bimbos at Penneys, including the married ones!

Devastated, crushed, and completely Looney Tunes, I didn’t show up for work, I wouldn’t leave my room, I stopped showering, I drank a lot of Natural Light, and I gorged myself on everything that Pizza Hut’s expansive menu had to offer. After about a week of this abuse, I looked in my full-length mirror and said, “Aw, HELL naw!” I shimmied my fat ass into some sweatpants, blew the dust off my sneakers, headed outside, and ran faster than Forrest Gump the day he took a bullet to the butt saving other people’s asses in Vietnam.

Of course, I only made it about a block before I passed out and had to receive mouth-to-mouth resuscitation from a random pedestrian. (Not really, but you get my point. I was out of shape). That day, though not exactly epic in terms of miles run or calories burned, was a hugely pivotal day because on it, The Angry Exerciser was born.

The Angry Exerciser was a fat-burning persona of vengeance who APPEARED to the casual onlooker to be running, stair-climbing, or ellipticalling herself to death, but internally, she was kicking ass in a mixed martial arts cage match with cheaters, liars, various JC Penney employees, and the occasional clergyman.

In six month’s time, I was able to shed the extra thirty pounds, buy a new wardrobe, move out of the college town, and start taking community college classes so that I could eventually go back to a four-year-college. I dialed my exercise regimen back to a maintenance level of twice or three times a week, and eventually I noticed that The Angry Exerciser had packed her bags and gone on vacation.

That wasn’t the last I would see of her, though, not by a long shot. She would be back many, many, many more times in my life, when some Ass Hat would dump me, cheat on me, tell me I was gaining weight, flirt with one of my friends, stop calling me, stand me up for a date, do the White Man’s Overbite with some other girl on the dance floor, or all of the above.

Eventually, The Angry Exerciser just decided to unpack her travel suitcase and move in with me, because being the co-dependent type, I woke up one day and found I couldn’t do a lick of exercise without her.

Even now, nineteen years (oh, for Eff’s sake, really? NINETEEN YEARS?), one husband, and three kids later, though I don’t have any cheaters or liars to currently fuel The Angry Exerciser’s rage, I still desperately need her in order to work out. So I trick her, coax her out with her old memories, put ear buds in her ears, and make her listen to Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Maroon 5, Miranda Lambert, Cee-Lo Green (you know the one), Florence + the Machine, and yes, shudder, Miley Cyrus. (I can’t stand the little twerker, but who can resist “Wrecking Ball?” Who)?!

I do whatever it takes to get The Angry Exerciser back, because even though the Mind and Heart can heal themselves from Dipshidiot Rejection, the Ass never forgets.

If humans were more like dogsI love dogs and I always have.  In fact, my first word was “doggy,” which undoubtedly scared the crap out of my parents.  I can only imagine how worried they must have been when they heard me repeatedly utter “doggy,” all the while wondering if I was going to be an animal-lover or an animal OF a lover with a proclivity for that one favorite position.

Fortunately for everyone, it was the former.

Dogs have always been there for me over the years and they continue to do so.  They make the best companions, and not just because they don’t judge when you eat an entire pint of ice cream by yourself.  It’s also because you don’t have to share said ice cream with them.

But it’s not just their willingness to look the other way when it comes to dairy products that makes them our besties.  Dogs have many other qualities that make them both lovable and loyal.

Come to think of it, we could learn a lot from our canine companions.  From grooming techniques to greeting styles, maybe life wouldn’t be so bad if humans were more like dogs.  Here are a few reasons why.

We would be more easilyWe would be more easily entertained

We could readily cancel our cable and Netflix subscriptions, as there would be no need for constant access to television and video games anymore.  Gone would be the nights of watching Law and Order marathons.  Instead, “chasing my tail” and “catching my tail” would be at the top of the “to do” list.

Unfortunately, “catching my tail” would never find its way to the “completed” list.

 We would be more likely to hop into bed with anyone

Many dogs are snuggle sluts, hopping from one bed to the next looking for someone who is ready to snuggle and sleep.  Maybe it’s just my dogs, but I doubt it.  I like to think I’m raising my boys to be upstanding men who don’t hit it and quit it. True, my dogs can be slutty, but I think that’s just canines in general.  If there’s a bed with a breathing body in it, they’re going to jump in it and hope to get their snuggle on.

Come to think of it, I knew some girls in college who did exactly this…

-Catch my tail- (1)We would take a lot more naps

I’m not sure if we would tire more easily as canines or if we would just be more accepting of nap time, but either way, if we were more like dogs we would take far more naps.

We also wouldn’t be picky about where we curled up to snooze.  From the ground to the couch to the floor in the kitchen, we would all pay less attention to where we were sleeping and spend more attention focusing on getting those much-needed zzzzzs.

The term “up someone’s ass” would literally apply

Literally.  We would literally be up each other’s asses, or at least nose-deep in them.

We would be excited about everything that passed the house

From a car to a kid on a bike to a squirrel with an acorn, anyone passing by our house would evoke excitement.  We wouldn’t need television or books to keep us entertained, as the bouncing bunnies in the yard would keep us fixated for hours.  Any movement would incite incessant barking, even if we soon realized the moving item was not a threat to our home.

We wouldn’t try to avoid going to theWe would get a lot more exercise

If humans were more like dogs we would be much more focused on physical fitness.  (Or at least this human would be.)  We wouldn’t try to avoid going to the gym by complaining our spleen was tired or arguing that we need to give the workout machines a day off.  Instead, if we were more like dogs, walks would be required at least three times a day.

Running around in the yard with others would also be a staple as well, and it wouldn’t be only when we’re trying to escape that bitch of a wasp whose sole purpose in life is to sting us while in the presence of family and friends.

Instead, we would simply run and frolic for fun…a concept foreign to some of us.

We would take more pride in our oral hygiene

If instead of handshakes and hellos we switched to face licks and Toilet water mixed drinkslobbery kisses, humans would make brushing and flossing a top priority.  Although I tell my dentist that flossing is the first thing I do every morning, that’s not entirely true….it’s the first thing I do every morning I have a dentist appointment.  But hey, it’s a start.

We would drink less alcohol

Since our canine friends don’t drink alcohol, we would have no choice but to put away our mixed drinks in favor of toilet water.  Then again, “toilet water” sounds like an excellent name for a mixed drink.

I’m sure there are other ways the world would be different if humans were more like dogs, but I’ve run out of patience my attention span is so low.  Plus, it’s time to go potty outside and I’ve got to get back to chewing on table legs and licking my privates.

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