Funny crap my husband says, April 2015 edition - lisanewlin.com -Yesterday Matt and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. And by “celebrated” I mean we took a nap after work, went to our favorite hole-in-the-wall Thai place, watched “Game of Thrones” and were in bed by 9:30.

What? That’s not what you were thinking was a perfect way to celebrate a 5th year of marital bliss?

So I assume you will forgive me for being a day late on what is clearly my readers’ favorite blog post of the month. Last month was definitely my favorite but Matt said some real gems this month too. He’s really out doing himself.

I won’t make you read my words anymore and will just get you to the crack that is this monthly column. Enjoy!

Supportive Husband

Lisa:  “I need to go to the gym. I need you to make me go to the gym whenever you go.”
Matt:  “Ok.”
Lisa:  “I mean it. Don’t make me go, but–
Matt:  “Sweetie, I understand the fine line I’m walking here.”

Music Fanatic

Lisa:  “That song is catchy.”
Matt:  “Yeah.  Like Goddamned syphilis.”

photo 3Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “I’m going to turn off the light. Can you use a book light to read?”
Lisa:  “Um. Ok.”
Matt:  “I don’t want to resent you if you leave it on, but this light hurts my eyes.”

Multi-tasker

Matt:  “There’s just not enough hours in the day…to get in all the sleep I want.”

Health Nut

Matt:  “We need to eat more legumes.”
Lisa:  “You don’t like them. It’s beans and stuff.”
Matt:  “I like some of them. I like jelly legumes.”

Attention to detail

Lisa:  “Did you see I finally framed that photo and put it up?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I noticed it yesterday but didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how long it had been up.”

Manly Man

Lisa:  “Why don’t you use that Caress body wash in the shower?”
Matt:  “I don’t think Caress can handle my body odor. I sweat like a man.”

photo 2Articulate

Matt:  “Where are the things and the stuff?”

Neat freak

Lisa:  “What’s with this stain on the floor?”
Matt:  “Yeah. I tried to clean it. I didn’t try that hard.”

Party Pooper

Matt:  <he says out of nowhere> “You know what I was never a fan of?”
Lisa:  “What?”
Matt:  “The hokey pokey. I just didn’t see what all the hype was about.”

Friend To All

Lisa:  “…and that’s why people like her.”
Matt:  “What?! People love me! I mean, except for that bitch.”

Pillow Talker

Matt:  “We have to get up. If I lay here much longer I’m going to fall asleep.
Lisa:  “Our stimulating conversation can’t keep you awake?”
Matt:  “No, it won’t.”

Lisa and Matt date nightAttention To Detail

Matt:  “Ah! I have dried shaving cream in my ear. Ah! It’s in my other ear. That’s not good. I had meetings today!”

Martyr

Lisa:  <after explaining why he has to use both body wash and soap>  “It’s exhausting being you isn’t it?”
Matt:  “Yeah. Why do you think I’m tired all the time?”

Excellent Coworker

Matt:  “I have to bring a rotisserie to a potluck tomorrow.”
Lisa:  “Thanks for not offering me to make a ham like you did last time. It’s a lot of work.”
Matt:  “How would you know? You never made it.”

Friend of Fashion

Matt:  “You have a stain on your shirt.”
Lisa:  “Really? Is it noticeable?”
Matt:  “Not more than your other shirts.”

Honest Spouse

Lisa:  <Hears a smash in the basement.> “Did I just hear something break?”
Matt:  <Coming from the sound of the smash>  “No.  Hey, did you break this vase down here?”

Modest

Matt:  “It takes a lot to keep up with this beauty.  Some might think it’s easy, but it takes work.”

weddingLover of Children (But Not In A Creepy Way)

Matt:  “That kid has been playing by himself for two hours. It’s sad as shit.”

Considerate of Others’ Problems

Lisa:  “I’m still mad at you for throwing out those flowerpots.”
Matt:  “Sounds like a YP and not a MP.”
Lisa:  “What’s that?”
Matt:  “A ‘your problem’ not ‘my problem.'”

photo 1 (3)Accepting of Others

Matt:  “I didn’t know you were running for judicial office……Miss Judgey.”

Frugal Shopper

Lisa:  “If I had a truck I would pick up so much free stuff from Craigslist.”
Matt:  “You don’t need to buy a bunch of stuff.
Lisa:  “I wouldn’t buy it. It would be free.”
Matt:  “I know. I didn’t say ‘buy.'”
Lisa:   “Yes you did. You said ‘buy.'”
Matt:  “I’m saying ‘bye’ to this conversation.”

All joking aside, happiest of anniversaries to my beloved husband.  I really do adore him!

Which was your favorite?

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Other places I’m on the web this week!

9 Things Your Husband Does That Should Be Sexy But Totally Aren’t

8 Ridiculously Petty (And Funny) Fights I’ve Actually Had With My Husband

Woohoo!  The 10 Stages of Getting Wedding Drunk (As Told Through Funny Gifs)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends (But Never Her Husband) 

15 Things That Will Surprise You About Men When You Move In

9 Thoughts on “Funny Crap My Husband Says: April 2015 Edition (A Day Late)

  1. Margot on May 1, 2015 at 3:49 pm said:

    I can’t decide between Supportive Husband and Considerate Spouse. My husband is all to familiar with that fine line!

    Happy anniversary!

    • Yeah, I actually kind of felt bad for putting him in that position but he handled it like a pro! Glad to know yours is the same way (about the gym stuff. Not the other one. 😉 )

  2. Dona on May 1, 2015 at 4:11 pm said:

    I have to go with the Lover of Children. Seriously, that’s so sweet. Uh, but I have a question. Why does he have to use body wash AND soap? Is there something I don’t know? Should I be using both? Or is it a personal problem? Seriously! Dona

    • You know what? The question about the body wash AND soap is a good one. I will say that he is a neat freak and is serious about being clean so maybe he just likes taking precautions? The good news is that he always smells fresh and clean!

  3. The things our husbands say sometimes leave us thinking do you think before you speak if so why do you think the rubbish coming out of your mouth needs to be said……………..at other times what they say just cracks us up and we think damn you are funny……………..
    Jo-Anne just rambled about…Motivation ThursdayMy Profile

  4. Oh Matthew… You are a man of such wit and wisdom.
    Emelie just rambled about…In honor of Mother’s Day…My Profile

  5. Erin on July 7, 2015 at 12:03 am said:

    Lisa I just read this to my mom and our friend jam and we laughed hysterically

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