Funny crap my husband says, March 2014 edition - lisanewlin.com -I’ve been gone for a while and some of you have actually noticed, which totally makes my day!  Granted, some of you may have inquired as to my absence if for no other reason than to wonder when more of my antics will appear so you can mock me.  I’m fine with it.

So what better way to celebrate my not-so-noticeable absence than with an installment of your favorite monthly column?  I must say that although I enjoy every month’s collections, this month is especially hilarious.

For those of you new to this column, every month I write down random funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.  Sadly, I don’t have access to writing utensils many of the times he says something extra hilarious, so many of them go forgotten.  But these are the ones I was able to save and happily share with you.  Enjoy.

The Saint

Matt:  “I have a headache.”
Lisa:  “Take some Tylenol.”
Matt:  “Nah.  It’s easier to sit here and complain about it.”

Completely Logical

Lisa:  “You always turn that lamp off whenever I turn it on.  Why?”
Matt:  “I have my reasons.”
Lisa:  “What are they?”
Matt:  “I’m not sure.”

Matt and Lisa at dinner at Scottish ArmsGood Samaritan

Matt:  “It’s a little slippery on the front step.  Be careful not to fall.”
Lisa:  “You be careful too.”
Matt:  “Oh, it’s not slippery for a normal person.  Just you.”

Purveyor of Fine Smells

Matt:  “It stinks.  Did you fart?”
Lisa:  “No.”
Matt:  “Wait.  Did I fart?  Yep.  That’s me.”

Food Critic

Lisa:  “Sorry you hated the new recipe I tried tonight.”
Matt:  “I didn’t hate it.  It just…wasn’t good.”

Dance Expert

Lisa:  “My jaw keeps popping.”
Matt:  “Does it also keep locking?”

Activist

Matt:  “What kind of sandwich do you want me to order for you?
Lisa:  “The traditional.”
Matt:  “Is that a sandwich only to be shared between a man and a woman?”

VIP

Matt:  “I have to go to sleep now.  I have a big day tomorrow.  <pause> No I don’t.”

Matt and Lisa close up in NOLaid Back

Matt:  “I’m easy.  Like Sunday morning.  Do you know what my nickname was in high school?  Pie. Because I was that easy.  I should be a Cover Girl because I’m so easy and breezy.”

Criminal Outlaw

Lisa:  “If you go to trial on a speeding ticket, they would pull your driving record.”
Matt:  “Would they also pull my awesome record?  Because I think that’s relevant.  Do you know what that record would consist of?  My Facebook page.”

Topical Conversationalist

Matt:  “No one talks about El Nino anymore.  Let’s talk about that sh*t.

Grateful Husband

Matt:  “Can you get me a glass of water?
Lisa:  “Yes.”
Matt:  “Thanks.  I could make a sweater out of you because you’re a lamb.”

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Other places I’m on the Internet this week

10 “Weird” Things Couples Do That Are Totally Normal (with funny Gifs!)

15 Secrets She Tells Her Girlfriends, But Not Her Husband (with funny Gifs!)

 

8 Thoughts on “Funny Crap My Husband Said; March 2015 Edition

  1. I’m Going to have to start using awesome records in court!

  2. Catherine on March 18, 2015 at 2:39 pm said:

    Loved this installment!

  3. Is it me? Or is he just getting better and better? Like a fine wine, improving with age? Or is he working harder at it cuz he knows he’s in print? Nah. Not that. He’s just got it goin’ on! Thanks for the chuckles! Dona

  4. Hi there, just popped in to sticky peek around and what do a find a bloody funny post, men say the silliest things at time and some of those men get all pissy when we crack up laughing at them and they don’t get what they said or why it was so funny or is that just the men in my life, I doubt it though……………..I think I will be back
    Jo-Anne just rambled about…Five things FridayMy Profile

  5. Erica on March 30, 2015 at 9:09 am said:

    I’m glad you’re putting your nose back to the grindstone….!!! ( is that a saying or…)
    Where were you “For Pete’s Sake”?
    I smoked, hide myself in the room…..i convinced myself that everything was still under my control..haha.
    Poeh, i missed this… ; )
    This blog is so spot on and fantastic and I’m really glad you’re back!

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! It is so wonderful to hear from readers who enjoy what I write.

      Seriously. You have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you!!!

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