I’ve been gone for a while and some of you have actually noticed, which totally makes my day! Granted, some of you may have inquired as to my absence if for no other reason than to wonder when more of my antics will appear so you can mock me. I’m fine with it.
So what better way to celebrate my not-so-noticeable absence than with an installment of your favorite monthly column? I must say that although I enjoy every month’s collections, this month is especially hilarious.
For those of you new to this column, every month I write down random funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny. Sadly, I don’t have access to writing utensils many of the times he says something extra hilarious, so many of them go forgotten. But these are the ones I was able to save and happily share with you. Enjoy.
Matt: “I have a headache.”
Lisa: “Take some Tylenol.”
Matt: “Nah. It’s easier to sit here and complain about it.”
Lisa: “You always turn that lamp off whenever I turn it on. Why?”
Matt: “I have my reasons.”
Lisa: “What are they?”
Matt: “I’m not sure.”
Matt: “It’s a little slippery on the front step. Be careful not to fall.”
Lisa: “You be careful too.”
Matt: “Oh, it’s not slippery for a normal person. Just you.”
Purveyor of Fine Smells
Matt: “It stinks. Did you fart?”
Matt: “Wait. Did I fart? Yep. That’s me.”
Lisa: “Sorry you hated the new recipe I tried tonight.”
Matt: “I didn’t hate it. It just…wasn’t good.”
Lisa: “My jaw keeps popping.”
Matt: “Does it also keep locking?”
Matt: “What kind of sandwich do you want me to order for you?
Lisa: “The traditional.”
Matt: “Is that a sandwich only to be shared between a man and a woman?”
Matt: “I have to go to sleep now. I have a big day tomorrow. <pause> No I don’t.”
Matt: “I’m easy. Like Sunday morning. Do you know what my nickname was in high school? Pie. Because I was that easy. I should be a Cover Girl because I’m so easy and breezy.”
Lisa: “If you go to trial on a speeding ticket, they would pull your driving record.”
Matt: “Would they also pull my awesome record? Because I think that’s relevant. Do you know what that record would consist of? My Facebook page.”
Matt: “No one talks about El Nino anymore. Let’s talk about that sh*t.”
Matt: “Can you get me a glass of water?
Matt: “Thanks. I could make a sweater out of you because you’re a lamb.”
Other places I’m on the Internet this week