funny crap my husband says, October 2014 (1)I was definitely on Santa’s naughty list this year, and not just because I ate almost an entire cookie cake in one sitting.  Honestly, that should be listed as an accomplishment and not something bad.  My husband didn’t see it that way.  <said softly while looking down>

Either way, I was on his naughty list because I failed to provide my beloved readers with a December 2014 edition of Funny Crap My Husband Says.  I know.  I’m a horrible person.

Since I know you guys live for these posts, I’ve decided to not keep you in suspense any longer. So without any further delay, here are a few things my beloved husband said recently that really cracked my sh*t up.


Lisa:  “We need to make an effort to be more present in our lives.
Matt:  “I’m present.  I’m the most present person I know.  Take roll because I’m present!

Olfactory Expert

Matt:  “Why does it smell like onions in here?
Lisa:  “Because I threw away the container that the chopped onions came in.”
Matt:  “Nah.  That can’t be it.”

Lisa and Matt Christmas 2014Number One Husband

Matt:  “Anyone who says they aren’t afraid of their wife is either lying or is just an a$$hole.”


Matt:  “You should go pick us up something for dinner.”
Lisa:  “Ok.  Like what?
Matt:  “I don’t know.  I can’t make all of the decisions.

Worldly Man

Matt:  “Move to the Dakotas?  No one lives in the Dakotas!  Canada could be an option but I don’t know how Bitcoin is handled there and the exchange rate is a b*tch.

Lisa and Matt Gala 2014Loverboy

Matt:  “Did you hear that Leonardo DiCaprio had sex with 21 girls at the same time?
Lisa:  “How is that possible?  I bet he didn’t actually do it with all of them.”
Matt:  “He probably did.  I know when I order a 3 course meal I don’t stop at 2 when I’m eating it.

Considerate Husband

Matt:  “You have something in your teeth.  It’s been there since lunch.”


Lisa:  “Stop making me laugh.  It puts me into a coughing fit.”
Matt:  “Until now I wasn’t aware I had that capability.”

There you have it!  And yes, he really does have the capability to make me laugh.  I just don’t like him to know it.

So which one was your favorite?

10 Thoughts on “Funny Crap My Husband Says, January 2015 Edition

  1. My favorite was the Bitcoin one after I Googled Bitcoin and assessed how much of a nerd he is. Love these!
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  2. It’s got to be tho Olfactory one. That’s so hilarious….can’t be the obvious, can it? Love ’em all, though. Had to read them twice to pic a fave. What’s a cookie cake???? Inquiring minds want to know!!!

    • YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT A COOKIE CAKE IS?! How horrible! It’s basically just an enormous cookie that is circular and it has writing and decorations done in icing. It’s about the size of a pizza. They’re mostly chocolate chip and they’re delicious!

      We actually just had soup for dinner and we’ve already agreed we are getting a cookie cake for dessert. Now go buy one immediately!

  3. I can top those… my husband picked me up from work last Tuesday and we were talking about filing our taxes. He asked me, “have you received your W2-40?” Don’t know if that product is used to grease you up before getting screwed on your taxes – but it was funny!

  4. Definitely “you have something in your teeth…” Lmfao. Matt.

  5. Rosiland on January 10, 2015 at 12:34 am said:

    My favorite was Loverboy!

  6. ACarter on January 20, 2015 at 6:18 pm said:

    I liked the “Dictator” best. I can relate. haha

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