I was definitely on Santa’s naughty list this year, and not just because I ate almost an entire cookie cake in one sitting. Honestly, that should be listed as an accomplishment and not something bad. My husband didn’t see it that way. <said softly while looking down>
Either way, I was on his naughty list because I failed to provide my beloved readers with a December 2014 edition of Funny Crap My Husband Says. I know. I’m a horrible person.
Since I know you guys live for these posts, I’ve decided to not keep you in suspense any longer. So without any further delay, here are a few things my beloved husband said recently that really cracked my sh*t up.
Lisa: “We need to make an effort to be more present in our lives.”
Matt: “I’m present. I’m the most present person I know. Take roll because I’m present!”
Matt: “Why does it smell like onions in here?”
Lisa: “Because I threw away the container that the chopped onions came in.”
Matt: “Nah. That can’t be it.”
Matt: “Anyone who says they aren’t afraid of their wife is either lying or is just an a$$hole.”
Matt: “You should go pick us up something for dinner.”
Lisa: “Ok. Like what?”
Matt: “I don’t know. I can’t make all of the decisions.”
Matt: “Move to the Dakotas? No one lives in the Dakotas! Canada could be an option but I don’t know how Bitcoin is handled there and the exchange rate is a b*tch.”
Matt: “Did you hear that Leonardo DiCaprio had sex with 21 girls at the same time?”
Lisa: “How is that possible? I bet he didn’t actually do it with all of them.”
Matt: “He probably did. I know when I order a 3 course meal I don’t stop at 2 when I’m eating it.”
Matt: “You have something in your teeth. It’s been there since lunch.”
Lisa: “Stop making me laugh. It puts me into a coughing fit.”
Matt: “Until now I wasn’t aware I had that capability.”
There you have it! And yes, he really does have the capability to make me laugh. I just don’t like him to know it.
So which one was your favorite?