One of my favorite things about the Christmas holiday is the 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story that plays every year on TBS. Other favorites include bourbon and vodka, but then again, that’s just a Tuesday night at the Newlin household.
I love the Christmas season because it makes it completely acceptable to drink before noon…in my jammies…while noshing on three different kinds of cookies…and watching A Christmas Story, which brings us full circle.
I’ve been watching A Christmas Story for more than a decade and every time I watch it I learn something new. For instance, I now know that having your Christmas dinner at a Chinese restaurant is completely acceptable, so long as you don’t order the duck.
I also know that the Bumpkisses are the worst neighbors ever and they really need to feed their dogs more regularly.
I’ve also learned that the ominious threat of “Not a finger!” makes no sense, yet is somehow terrifying when said in a serious tone.
Because it’s that time of year again and we’re all going to binge on our favorite Christmas movie, while eating turkey of course, I thought I would lay out some of the life lessons we’ve learned from Ralphie and his family.
I did the lessons in Gifs because it’s funnier that way and it means I don’t have to write anything after each point, which is also a bonus.
Enjoy the lessons and enjoy watching A Christmas Story at least 5 times this season. Anything less is simply unpatriotic.
“Not a finger!”
1. Soap is poisonous if ingested. It will cause blindness.
2. Never give in to peer pressure.
3. It’s important to get bundled up for the cold.
4. It’s never too early to start thinking about Easter.
5. Ovaltine is one big scam.
6. Santa Claus is not nice to the naughty.
7. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to get your kid to eat.
8. Super glue actually can’t fix everything.
9. Icicles can be very dangerous.
10. A Red Rider BB Gun really will shoot your eye out.
11. Major Awards are best when they’re Italian.
12. Never back down from a triple dog dare.
13. The f— word is THE word.