funny crap my husband says, October 2014Oh friends.  You’ve been waiting for this month’s installment of more of the random stuff my husband says when he’s not trying to be funny.  Once again, he won’t disappoint.

Fashionista

That guy is wearing a f*cking bow tie. He’s just trying to piss me off.

Yoga Enthusiast

Matt:  “I think I want to take time off work to focus on my yoga.”
Lisa:  “You don’t do yoga.”
Matt:  “I know. That’s why I need to take time off to focus on it.”

Editorial Genius

Editing is easy. I mean, I’ve never done it. But it’s totally easy.”

Confident In His Own Skin

Matt:  “I texted him from your phone. He hasn’t answered. He probably knew it was me.”
Lisa:  “It says he hasn’t even read the text yet.”
Matt:  “What does that have to do with anything?

Generous bed mate

<laying in bed with his head on his pillow>
Hey. Can I use your pillow?”

Neighborhood Entertainer

Lisa:  “Don’t you hate having the windows open at night when people can see inside?”
Matt:  “Yes.
Lisa:  “Then why don’t you close the curtains?”
Matt:  “I don’t know. Apathy?

DSC01074From Rags to Riches

Lisa:  “This wine is amazing. It’s definitely not the kind of thing you would have ever bought before we met.  You though wine came in a box.”
Matt:  “Yes, you saved me from a horrible single life. Before you I was eating diaper shit out of trash cans.

In-home Nurse

Lisa:  “I can’t fall asleep because I’m hungry.”
Matt:  “Slam some water.”
Lisa:  “I can’t because then I’ll have to wake up all night to pee.”
Matt:  “You need a catheter. We need to cath that shit.”

On The Cutting Edge

Lisa:  “Why don’t you get this new razor (points to razor at the store)?”
Matt:  “I didn’t feel comfortable doing the Pro Glide. I don’t trust it and I don’t feel good about it. I’ve seen a lot of commercials about it and there’s been some buzz but I’m not ready. It’s on a ball. A pivot. I just don’t know...”

Entrepreneur

(While at a fancy neighborhood Walgreens)
Be careful. The floor is wet. Don’t fall. Or, do fall and then we can live in one of these fancy houses.”

DSC01082Health Nut

Lisa:  “We could just have some pasta and vegetables for dinner.”
Matt:  “Vegetables? I don’t want to ruin my dinner with vegetables.”

Medical Guru

Matt:  “A stroke presents itself in a lot of ways.”
Lisa:  “Really? Like what ways?”
Matt:  “I’m not going to list them all now. It’s just a lot.”

Clean Freak

Matt:  “I need Comet. Nothing else cleans the sink as well.”
Lisa:  “There’s this Soft Scrub you could use.”
Matt: “I tried it. It doesn’t work. Actually it might have worked. I don’t remember.”

9 Thoughts on “Funny Crap My Husband Says: October 2014 Edition

  1. Catherine on October 12, 2014 at 10:17 pm said:

    I love it! I love it!

  2. Bow ties piss me off too. He’s right.

    Also, I work in supply at a hospital. I can hook you up with some catheters if you’re thinking about going that route.
    Eric just rambled about…Welcome to Boy’s Kitchen!!My Profile

  3. Hey, I like bow ties… Bow ties are cool.
    Emelie just rambled about…Book lovers!! You’re Needed!!!My Profile

  4. When exactly are you two coming to NJ so we can all hang out? Please?
    Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying just rambled about…Music to My EarsMy Profile

  5. OMG the catheter comment is HILARIOUS!
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother just rambled about…Fly On The Wall In Party TownMy Profile

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