******This was originally published a year or two ago but my mom was just in town and I was reminded that my slow transformation into becoming her has picked up speed.  Hence, the need for this to be republished.******

My mom's purse and her blinged out phone case.

My mom’s purse and her blinged out phone case.

This is my future.  Look at it.  Is it a photo of a purse with faux fur on it?  Yes, yes it is.

HELP!Is it adorable?  Yes, but that’s not the point.  And the blinged out phone cover? Also adorable, but also gaudy, no?

The point is this:  I’m turning into my mother.

Don’t get my wrong, I tolerate love my mother, so turning into her is isn’t a bad thing.

But so soon?  So quickly?

I figured I’d be at least late 50s before the resemblences started creeping in.  Apparently not.

I’ve been denying it for years, but it’s quickly becoming a realization I don’t think I can deny anymore.  The transformation has begun!

<to be read in a loud voice with ominous music in the background.>

I know, I know, few more horrific words have ever been uttered.  It’s what every young girl fears the most.

Well, that and the clap, but I guess since I dodged that bullet, I’m stuck with the other fear.

Whether it’s the lesser of two evils is something I’m not sure of, although I know one of them can be cured with penicillin.

It came on gradually (the transformation, not the clap). I think both ailments may come on gradually but the transformation into my mother didn’t involve itchiness or the urge to pee myself.

Either way, I noticed the changes slowly.

Uttering a cheesy phrase under my breath was the first sign.

Want an example?  Well, you’re getting one.

my slow transformation into becoming herWhen watching an episode of Law & Order: SVU, the opening credits indicated one of the actors was named B.D. Wong.

Without even thinking, I yelled out “He B.D. Wong guy for the job!”

Is that joke hilarious?  Of course it is, which is why I began cracking up immediately after I said it.

But then I looked around the room and saw the expressions I knew so well; the eye rolls, the moaning in irritation.

I know them because that’s my standard response to my mother’s jokes that aren’t really that punny.  (Ha!  Punny!  I’m on a roll!)

Simple enough.  I figured it was just one instance of bad joke-telling.  If Seth McFarlane can do it, so can I.

But then it moved onto conspiracy theories.  That’s when I started to notice I may need to seek help.

Was the government trying to take over my life by taxing me to death?  Obviously, as evidenced by this year’s tax return.

Did my office have a secret stash of cookies my coworkers hide from me because they know I’d eat them if I knew about them?  Probably.

But let’s face it; that’s probably a good idea on their part.

One thing I do know for sure, though, is that YES, all the kids really are on drugs these days.  Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

As if these small tendencies creeping into my life weren’t enough, another symptom appeared that made it far more real.  The humming started.  That’s when I knew it was serious.

It was one thing to believe every kid over the age of 14 was a heroin junkee.  (I blame “the MTV” and the video games.)

But it’s quite another to hum songs loudly in public. Worst of all?  I found myself trying to hum the harmony.

FOR SHAME!

Now it’s just snowballing.  I find myself drawn to sparkly things that most people, and Lisa from 5 years ago, would have found gaudy.  But now, a part of me thinks “That’s kind of pretty.  Look at it sparkle.”

For some reason, my taste in glittery things has skyrocketed and there’s no way to stop it.  Why would I buy a pair of plain glasses when I could get a pair with rhinestones blinged out on the sides?

I wouldn’t.

I guess they say that acceptance is the first step.  I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I suppose I’m on the road to that destination, not paying attention and sideswiping vehicles as I go.

Maybe it’s not so bad.

After all, my mom isn’t that far away from the senior citizen discount, and I love saving money.

Plus, the sparkly tops and glittery glasses will make it easier for people to find me when I inevitably fall down or get lost on the street looking for my car.

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butterbur-51919I’ve always been a fan of Kermit The Frog.  He’s the first thing that comes to mind when I think of green.  After all, it isn’t easy.

Kermit is definitely a sexy beast who looks good with or without clothing, yet Kermit is the epitome of nudity.  When you think about it, he’s the only Muppet who can pull off the totally nude look.

Okay, so maybe Rowlf The Dog is naked, but he always has that piano at waist level, which tells me he’s insecure about something.  I suspect I know what it is…

He’s not neutered, of course.  Geez.  You guys are such pervs.

<insert public service message about spaying/neutering your animals or I will cut your balls off.>

Where is this post going?  Good question.

If you’re still reading and haven’t gone to PBS to watch Sesame Street, then I will tell you where this post is headed.

To the gutter.  Or actually, to the streets.  Follow my logic.

For some reason, in thinking about Kermit, I began to wonder if Kermit was a lover or a fighter.  He always pushes away Miss Piggy’s advances, which suggests he may be a fighter. But who would he fight with? That annoying Elmo? Hopefully.

Which begs the question: Who would win if Kermit got into a fight with Elmo?

kermit-64718

I’m not talking about one of those “You took the last fruit roll-up so I’m going to kick you in the shins and run away” fights.  I’m talking about a true fight.  With biting and crap.  Who would win?

That frisky frog is one good looking dude, but is he scrappy?  He seems like such a nice guy, and he does let Miss Piggy walk all over him.

Okay, she doesn’t literally walk all over him, as that would most certainly crush his rib cage…unless he’s into that sort of thing.

Wait, a frog doesn’t have ribs.  Plus for Kermie!

SMACKDOWNBut what about his physical prowess?  He has scrawny arms, but is he strong?  Does he work his core, or only his glamour muscles?

He might be an underrated opponent just because of his size, yet he might be able to bench press like a sonofabitch.

I’ve seen it done.  Not by an amphibian, but by scrawny guys at the gym whose moms drop them off after swim practice.

But then there’s Elmo.  I don’t know what species he is, other than a creeper who talks like a child despite the fact he frequently wears business suits.

I think he’s supposed to be a monster of some sort, but I don’t know any monsters who giggle like school girls.

Come to think of it, maybe he’s neutered, and that’s why he has such a high-pitched voice.

That could be a point in his corner for overpowering Kermit, as he wouldn’t have his manly monster parts to get in the way of a smackdown.

Instead of making you read my word vomit, which is clearly what this post is, I’ve decided to make a tally of things each opponent has going for and against him.

You’re welcome.

Elmo Pros

 

Elmo Con (1)

So there you have it:  my thoughts on who would win in a fight on Sesame Street.  The outcome is unclear, and I suppose I will leave it up to you to decide who would prevail in this matchup of Muppets.

Let me know your thoughts, and if I can figure out how to do a little chart of everyone’s answers, I will.  And by “I” I mean if someone else can figure that out. We all know I can’t figure that out.  If I could, I would have done it already.

So let me know who you think would win, and your thoughts on why. This is a very important topic.  It’s really for the kids.

toilet paperThe other day I ran to Target for a few essentials.  (By “ran” I mean I drove my car and by “essentials” I mean lip gloss and at least 5 things from the accessory area.)

I somehow wandered into the section with the toilet paper, most likely because it was next to the end cap of a display of wine that was on sale.  I do love a bargain!

After filling my cart with enough reds and whites that an employee actually asked if I was having a party (to which I said yes), I figured I might as well pick up a package of toilet paper while I was there.  After all, I’d just saved a ton on wine and wanted to celebrate my victory with bathroom products.

I scouted the shelves for my favorite bear wiping his a$$ near an oak tree and realized I was in the section entitled “bathroom tissue.”  The words “toilet paper” were nowhere to be found.

What?!

Is “toilet paper” no longer PC?  I realize I’m not often on the forefront of knowing what’s PC, but I think I would have gotten that memo by now.

Perhaps it was written on a roll of toilet paper and I missed it.

Why the change, Charmin? Or Cottonelle? I’m not sure who’s the king of bathroom tissue these days or who officially made this change. Was this something the empire of toilet tissue voted on or was it done via an executive power by the angels from Angel Soft?

AESTHETICSRegardless of who changed the name, I’d like to know the reasoning behind it.  Was it a movement by the toilet paper companies to make themselves sound less crass?

Or maybe it was a different kind of movement…a movement that interestingly enough, requires bath tissue.

Or perhaps it was a movement by the stores to make themselves look more classy.  Signs for toilet paper don’t look nearly as welcoming as signs for bathroom tissue.  Perhaps it’s just a marketing ploy.  After all, bathroom tissue sounds like something I want to wrap myself in and curl up with a good book (and some wine I got on sale).

Is it really so bad to refer to toilet paper as what it is?  Paper that goes in the toilet?  That’s not crass.  It’s what it is.

I’m not sure what any of this means for the future of a$$ wiping, but I don’t like the direction its going.  If you ask me, it seems likes all going down the drain…

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funny crap my husband says, October 2014Oh friends.  You’ve been waiting for this month’s installment of more of the random stuff my husband says when he’s not trying to be funny.  Once again, he won’t disappoint.

Fashionista

That guy is wearing a f*cking bow tie. He’s just trying to piss me off.

Yoga Enthusiast

Matt:  “I think I want to take time off work to focus on my yoga.”
Lisa:  “You don’t do yoga.”
Matt:  “I know. That’s why I need to take time off to focus on it.”

Editorial Genius

Editing is easy. I mean, I’ve never done it. But it’s totally easy.”

Confident In His Own Skin

Matt:  “I texted him from your phone. He hasn’t answered. He probably knew it was me.”
Lisa:  “It says he hasn’t even read the text yet.”
Matt:  “What does that have to do with anything?

Generous bed mate

<laying in bed with his head on his pillow>
Hey. Can I use your pillow?”

Neighborhood Entertainer

Lisa:  “Don’t you hate having the windows open at night when people can see inside?”
Matt:  “Yes.
Lisa:  “Then why don’t you close the curtains?”
Matt:  “I don’t know. Apathy?

DSC01074From Rags to Riches

Lisa:  “This wine is amazing. It’s definitely not the kind of thing you would have ever bought before we met.  You though wine came in a box.”
Matt:  “Yes, you saved me from a horrible single life. Before you I was eating diaper shit out of trash cans.

In-home Nurse

Lisa:  “I can’t fall asleep because I’m hungry.”
Matt:  “Slam some water.”
Lisa:  “I can’t because then I’ll have to wake up all night to pee.”
Matt:  “You need a catheter. We need to cath that shit.”

On The Cutting Edge

Lisa:  “Why don’t you get this new razor (points to razor at the store)?”
Matt:  “I didn’t feel comfortable doing the Pro Glide. I don’t trust it and I don’t feel good about it. I’ve seen a lot of commercials about it and there’s been some buzz but I’m not ready. It’s on a ball. A pivot. I just don’t know...”

Entrepreneur

(While at a fancy neighborhood Walgreens)
Be careful. The floor is wet. Don’t fall. Or, do fall and then we can live in one of these fancy houses.”

DSC01082Health Nut

Lisa:  “We could just have some pasta and vegetables for dinner.”
Matt:  “Vegetables? I don’t want to ruin my dinner with vegetables.”

Medical Guru

Matt:  “A stroke presents itself in a lot of ways.”
Lisa:  “Really? Like what ways?”
Matt:  “I’m not going to list them all now. It’s just a lot.”

Clean Freak

Matt:  “I need Comet. Nothing else cleans the sink as well.”
Lisa:  “There’s this Soft Scrub you could use.”
Matt: “I tried it. It doesn’t work. Actually it might have worked. I don’t remember.”

REAL ESTATE**This post originally appeared in Under Analysis in September 2014.**

Disclaimer:  I’m not a real estate lawyer.  However, I feel completely qualified to write this post because I’ve purchased a home twice.  It’s kind of like how I’m sure I could compete with professional swimmers because I know how to doggy paddle…and I’m really good at it.

Either way, I’ve deemed myself an expert on real estate transactions, and since I’m picky about who I deem experts, you should feel confident that the rest of this post is completely accurate.

My husband and I recently decided we’d like to move.  We’ve come to the harsh realization that having a bedroom where only one piece of furniture fits, and sharing a very tiny bathroom may not be the best move if we plan to continue our marriage.  It’s become a matter of urgency.

In looking at homes for sale, I’ve noticed there is a certain lingo that comes with navigating the abyss of MLS listings. The jargon isn’t always readily discernable and sometimes you can get duped if you don’t know how to properly read a listing.

Fortunately, I’ve been able to crack the code on real estate listings and I’m ready to share it with you, mostly because I couldn’t come up with anything else to write about this week.

So without any further delay, I present to you a Lisa Newlin original: The real estate translator.

  • Must see inside – The outside is bad and the inside is only slightly better.

  • Fixture – That hideous chandelier is now yours.

  • Quaint home – It’s so small it will only fit half of your furniture.

  • Assumable mortgage – We assume you’re an idiot.

  • Recently reduced! – We can’t give this thing away.

TRANSLATOR

  • Credit report – The document that will remind you that opening 15 credit cards in law school just for the free gifts was a bad idea.

  • New roof – That’s the only thing that’s new.

  • Home inspection – Hold your breath because there’s a ton of stuff wrong with this house.

  • Only one owner – She lived here for 70 years and died in the kitchen.

  • Private Mortgage Insurance (PMI) – Your lender isn’t entirely sure you’re good for the money.

  • Warranty included – You’re going to need it.

  • Real estate agent – The person who will try to find you a home just outside of the highest end of your budget.

  • FHA loan – Be prepared to do nearly everything to get this loan.

  • Fixer upper – A licensed contractor needs to buy this house because of all the work it needs.

Fixer Upper!

  • Truth-In-Lending – The government requires all terms of the sale to be disclosed to you in a small novel that you’ll never be able to read or understand.

  • Title company – A company who will charge you a lot of money for something you’re not even sure you need.

  • Foreclosure -They definitely didn’t scrub the baseboards or clean ANYTHING when they moved out.

  • Contingency -They put it on the market before realizing they had to find another place to live.

  • Pre-approval – A company will agree to give you a loan for an obscene interest rate that even a toddler wouldn’t agree to.

  • Quitclaim deed – Buyer beware.  There’s probably a dead body in the basement and you’re going to have to pay to haul it away.

Quitclaim deed - Buyer beware.  There’s

  • Appraised value – A number that’s nowhere near the price you agreed upon and will bring inspection negotiations to a halt.

  • Closing costs – Charges you won’t understand but will feel too stupid to ask about.

  • Contract pending – They might have a deal but are open to even larger offers.

Granted, this isn’t an exhaustive list, but I think it’s a great start for anyone who wants to go through the painful process of buying a new home. If you are interested in purchasing some real estate, might I suggest one tool that will help streamline the process and make it much easier:  wine.

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