funny crap my husband says, September 2014 (1)Hey guys!

Summer is over which means I’m in a perpetual state of sadness.  However, one of the few things that lifts my spirits is posting some of the funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.

I’ve had a rough few weeks recently and this guy has gotten me through them with a lot of laughs.  (And bourbon.  I’ve had a LOT of bourbon these last 2 weeks.)

Since I love you guys, I’m sharing some of the wonderful nuggets of wisdom my husband shared with me this past month.  I really need to market him into a 1-900 number of inspirational sh*t.

Lover Not A Fighter

Matt:  “I’m totally amorous.  If I was a drink I’d be an amorous-o-sour.”

Inventor

Lisa: <Walks into room to find Matt laying on the couch.> “I thought for sure you’d be drinking a glass of wine.

Matt:  <Points to glass of wine between his legs> “I’m hands-free with this b*tch!

Buddhist/Spiritual Adivsor

Matt: “I could totally be a Buddhist if it wasn’t for all that silence stuff.”

photo (1)

He was NOT happy I took this photo.

Scientist

Lisa:  “Close the curtains. People can see inside the house now that it’s dark.”

Matt:  “No they can’t.”

Lisa:  “Yes they can. You can see inside the house when it’s dark outside and light inside the house.”

Matt:  “No. It’s the opposite of that.”

Lisa:  “So you’re saying you can see inside the house when it’s light outside and dark in the house.”

Matt:  “Of course not. It’s the opposite of that. It’s science honey. I can’t explain it.”

Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “Ouch!  Ouch! This is hot!“<Throws bag of steamed vegetables at Lisa>  “You take it!

Speaker of Sweet-Nothings

Matt:  <laughing>  “I want to say something but it’s gonna creep you out.”

Lisa:  “Just say it.”

Matt: “No. I’m creeped out just thinking about it.”

photo (2)

Please excuse my humidity hair. New Orleans is humid y’all!

A Jokester

Lisa: “That’s a Matt Newlin joke.” 

Matt: “No it’s not. I wouldn’t ever say something so lame…unless it was about a horse that had to be put down.” <Gives a Goddamned sh*t-eating grin>

Doctor Love

Lisa:  “I need to get my birth control prescription.”

Matt:  “Where do you go for that? Do you go to a urologist? Or maybe a HERologist?

World’s Best Listener

Lisa:  “And so I was thinking…

Matt:  <Gets up and leaves the room> “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lisa:  “I was in the middle of telling you a story.”

Matt:  “I knew where it was going.”

We really do love each other!

We really do love each other!

Tom Hardy’s #1 Fan

Lisa:  “Isn’t Tom Hardy bisexual? I thought he was.”

Matt:  “Tom Hardy is not bisexual. He’s just so straight that he bangs guys. That doesn’t make him bisexual.”

Steel Trap Memory

Lisa: “What else did you say the other night when we were talking about going to Mexico?

Matt: “I don’t know. You know I don’t listen to myself.

So what was your favorite Matt Newlism of the month? Tell me all about it!

8 Thoughts on “Funny Crap My Husband Says: September 2014 Edition

  1. They are all awesome but my favorite is “You know I don’t listen to myself.” Ummmm I don’t think men listen to much of anything, especially us!

  2. Honestly, I totally get that. I don’t listen to myself either. It gets mixed in with the voices in my head and I’m too lazy to sort them out so I tune all of them out.

    As for the Scientist one, that’s called winning an argument by confusion. It’s a male tactic used when we realize we were wrong halfway through an argument but we’re not going to admit it.
    Eric just rambled about…“Doesn’t play well with others” and why it should be allowed on my resume’My Profile

    • I totally believe it’s a male tactic of confusion! And what’s funny is I wasn’t sure if he was working it out in his head as we went along or if he was just messing me. Probably a little of both…

  3. I wan’t to understand the science behind people can’t see inside your house. I don’t get it either.

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