Welcome to another week of Tinder Tuesdays: where I mercilessly mock a Tinder photo and remind myself that it isn’t so bad to be a thirty-something married woman.
This week’s photo comes from a man who seems to have a variety of hobbies, all of which are probably centered around stalking people. I suspect his face is hanging on a “Most Wanted” photo in a small-town post office.
Check out his stalker equipment. Not only does he have a gigantic telescope that can probably spot women undressing 3 blocks away, he also has a back-up set of binoculars to keep an eye on those future victims that live closer to home. Or at least closer to the home he broke into in order to take this photo.
When I see that telescope I can’t help but think about Ronald Miller in “Can’t Buy Me Love” when he skipped the telescope purchase so he could be popular for a month. If I could give advice to this gentleman, I would tell him to skip the telescope purchase and find a cute girl returning a $1,000 suede outfit. Maybe then he could get a date.
Then again, this guy is no Ronald Miller.
He has a barometer on the wall which would suggest he’s into nautical things except I see no other reference to boats or ships. Instead, I think he likes to know the barometric pressure so he can determine if rain is in the forecast. He likes rain because it gives him a chance to wear his sexy rain boots, which he’s modeling in the photo as well.
He loves those boots because they keep his feet nice and toasty…especially since he rarely wears pants.
Which brings us to his pants…or lack thereof. He’s rocking only a yellow pair of boxer/briefs. It looks like he’s not much of a decision maker and couldn’t fully commit to either a boxer or a brief. Either that, or he’s excellent at compromises and this is how he shows it.
Either way, I get why he has a large phallic statue in the corner of the room. Homeboy is definitely not working with much of a package. I also suspect that he, much like the girls in my third grade class, stuffs his undergarments to make things look a little bigger.
One thing is definitely for sure: he loves ‘Merica. Or at least I think he does. He’s wearing a red, white and blue garter belt around his arm. I suspect he’s wearing it to feign patriotism while also covering up his horrible prison tattoo of a mermaid that he got from a bearded man doing 2-5 for indecent exposure.
My favorite part of his ensemble is the pink puffy vest, which undoubtedly came from the childrens’ department at Sears. I want to say he bought it there on clearance but I think it’s more likely he got this in a very sophisticated street trade with an 11 year-old. She got a sh*t ton of Pokemon cards as payment.
This guy is also not an animal lover. His raccoon skin cap says rodents and small woodland creatures are not welcome near his home. It also says that he probably smells like mothballs because….come on….have you ever seen one of those hats that doesn’t have a horrible smell?
Although he’s holding a large rifle, for some reason I don’t think he’s violent. I think he uses that to shoot PBR cans in the backyard, but I don’t get the sense he would actually use the gun as a weapon. I suspect I feel that way because it’s clear he’s a lover of art.
The lovely piece that’s displayed on top of the piano looks like it’s a piece he paid quite a bit for…potentially up to $5.00 at
auction garage sale.
Although he may know artwork and have a flair for fashion, he definitely isn’t much of a homemaker. The bottom of the piano bench is filthy and hasn’t seen a dust rag in years. I suspect all of his rags may be in use at the moment soaking in chloroform.
I’m not sure this gent is going to find love on Tinder, but I hope the authorities find him there, as I’m sure he’s wanted by more than just the fashion police.