Anyone who was a child of the 80s (or 90s) will remember the super-cheesy Saturday morning show, Saved by the Bell. Anyone who has a child of the 80s (or 90s) will remember it too, as it was most likely a guilty pleasure.
Don’t fight it. Embrace it.
One of the main characters was Kelly Kapowski, a high school “it” girl with mall bangs and a cheery disposition. Although the mall bangs were sweet, her chipper personality could have been the result of daily inadvertent inhalation of Aqua Net.
Recently, I got to thinking about this show, probably because I enjoy late-night eating and WGN reruns. No matter the cause, I realized that despite Kelly’s popular status, I never would have been friends with her in high school because she would have been the worst friend ever.
I know, it’s devastating to me too. But the logic doesn’t lie (and according to Shakira, neither do the hips).
1. She wore sweatshirts with the neck cut out.
Do you know what you could wear that you wouldn’t have to cut up? A t-shirt. Yeah, you can buy them pre-cut, and they’re cheaper too.
Such. A. Douche.
2. She was a cheerleader
There’s nothing wrong with cheerleaders, but I was a pommer so we couldn’t have been friends. It just wasn’t in the cards.
Cheerleader versus pommer is the classic battle of good versus evil.It’s the high school equivalent of the Montagues versus the Capulets, only without all the killing and suicide.
No doubt about it, the pommers were far superior, just based upon uniforms alone. Throw in literary knowledge and the ability to dance themselves out of a knife fight, and it’s a no-brainer.
The pommers win everytime. (Yeah, like the cheerleaders would be able to dance their way out of a street brawl in West Side Story. I don’t think so.)
Pommers were the respected girls, and although we knew how to shake it, we did it in a classy way; we wore tights.
We weren’t like those heathen cheerleaders who throw each other up in the air with nothing but a small piece of cotton separating their lady parts from the fans in the stand. No.
Pommers kept our business locked up (at least until after the game).
3. She wore mom jeans.
But when in high school, a girl shouldn’t wear her jeans so high that sitting down quickly might actually take her virginity.
I’m sure that’s what Kelly told her guidance counselor was the cause, but we all know the dirty deed went down in the bathroom of a Wendy’s.
She celebrated with a Frosty. Who wouldn’t?
My friends were far more stylish than mom jeans, and so was I. Being seen with someone in mom jeans and a cut off sweatshirt would be social suicide.
For further confirmation of my high school awesomeness, please see #2 and the photo above.
4. She thought The Max was cool.
There are many reasons I wouldn’t go to The Max, the least of which is because it looks like the set of Double Dare and although I loved that show, somehow I can’t separate the image of that giant nose away from the Max’s burger menu.
Plus, the owner, “Max” (if that’s his real name), was super creepy with his magic tricks and Lyle Lovett hairstyle.
For this reason, I wouldn’t go visit her at work, which would certainly be a sticking point for our friendship.
5. It would be hard to support her volleyball habit.
In keeping with the theme of being an unsupportive friend, I wouldn’t support her volleyball habit either, and I doubt anyone else would.
Kelly played on the school volleyball team, although I’m not sure when she had the time between cheerleading, waitressing, being an older sister to 18 kids, and spending time doing her bangs.
Seriously, that hairdo must take at least an hour and a full can of hairspray to accomplish.
It’s not that I don’t like volleyball. Quite the contrary.
Men’s sand volleyball is one of my favorite Olympic sports, next to pole vaulting and mocking the parents of gymnasts. I just don’t know what to do at a volleyball game to support the players. I’m not sure if I should yell “Yeah, you spike that ball!” or “Bump it! BUMP IT!” Actually, I just answered my own question.
I would totally yell “bump it.”
6. She wasn’t good enough to be Zach’s girlfriend.
I look way cuter with him than she ever did, and I know the importance of safe teenage behavior—I wear a helmet. As is evidenced below, you pervs.