Why Kelly KapowskiAnyone who was a child of the 80s (or 90s) will remember the super-cheesy  Saturday morning show, Saved by the Bell.  Anyone who has a child of the 80s (or 90s) will remember it too, as it was most likely a guilty pleasure.

Don’t fight it.  Embrace it.

One of the main characters was Kelly Kapowski, a high school “it” girl with mall bangs and a cheery disposition.  Although the mall bangs were sweet, her chipper personality could have been the result of daily inadvertent inhalation of Aqua Net.

Recently, I got to thinking about this show, probably because I enjoy  late-night eating and WGN reruns.  No matter the cause, I realized that despite Kelly’s popular status, I never would have been friends with her in high school because she would have been the worst friend ever.

I know, it’s devastating to me too.  But the logic doesn’t lie (and according to Shakira, neither do the hips).

1.  She wore sweatshirts with the neck cut out. 

kelly kapowski cut offAnyone who knows me (or has sat next to me while I curse the Patriots football team when that jackass coach wears his cut-up sweatshirts), knows I find cut-up sweatshirts intolerable.

Do you know what you could wear that you wouldn’t have to cut up?  A t-shirt.  Yeah, you can buy them pre-cut, and they’re cheaper too.

Such.  A.  Douche.

2.  She was a cheerleader 

I'm sure they're sad because this is when they realized they aren't as good as pommers.

I’m sure they’re sad because this is when they realized they aren’t as good as pommers.

There’s nothing wrong with cheerleaders, but I was a pommer so we couldn’t have been friends.  It just wasn’t in the cards.

Cheerleader versus pommer is the classic battle of good versus evil.It’s the high school equivalent of the Montagues versus the Capulets, only without all the killing and suicide.

No doubt about it, the pommers were far superior, just based upon uniforms alone. Throw in literary knowledge and the ability to dance themselves out of a knife fight, and it’s a no-brainer.

The pommers win everytime. (Yeah, like the cheerleaders would be able to dance their way out of a street brawl in West Side Story.  I don’t think so.)

Pommers were the respected girls, and although we knew how to shake it, we did it in a classy way;  we wore tights.

We weren’t like those heathen cheerleaders who throw each other up in the air with nothing but a small piece of cotton separating their lady parts from the fans in the stand.  No.

Pommers kept our business locked up (at least until after the game).

3.  She wore mom jeans.

kelly kapowski mom jeansDon’t get me wrong, my mom rocks, and looks better in jeans than I do.

But when in high school, a girl shouldn’t wear her jeans so high that sitting down quickly might actually take her virginity.

I’m sure that’s what Kelly told her guidance counselor was the cause, but we all know the dirty deed went down in the bathroom of a Wendy’s.

She celebrated with a Frosty. Who wouldn’t?

My friends were far more stylish than mom jeans, and so was I.  Being seen with someone in mom jeans and a cut off sweatshirt would be social suicide.

For further confirmation of my high school awesomeness, please see #2  and the photo above.

4.  She thought The Max was cool. 

kelly kapowski waitressKelly worked there as a waitress, or at least she did when the “plot” needed her to.  I use the term “plot” quite loosely here.

There are many reasons I wouldn’t go to The Max, the least of which is because it looks like the set of Double Dare and although I loved that show, somehow I can’t separate the image of that giant nose away from the Max’s burger menu.

Plus, the owner, “Max” (if that’s his real name), was super creepy with his magic tricks and Lyle Lovett hairstyle.

For this reason, I wouldn’t go visit her at work, which would certainly be a sticking point for our friendship.

5.  It would be hard to support her volleyball habit. 

Kelly Kapowski volleyball

Even her volleyball shorts are mom-shorts.

In keeping with the theme of being an unsupportive friend, I wouldn’t support her volleyball habit either, and I doubt anyone else would.

Kelly played on the school volleyball team, although I’m not sure when she had the time between cheerleading, waitressing, being an older sister to 18 kids, and spending time doing her bangs.

Seriously, that hairdo must take at least an hour and a full can of hairspray to accomplish.

It’s not that I don’t like volleyball.  Quite the contrary.

Men’s sand volleyball is one of my favorite Olympic sports, next to pole vaulting and mocking the parents of gymnasts.  I just don’t know what to do at a volleyball game to support the players.  I’m not sure if I should yell “Yeah, you spike that ball!” or “Bump it!  BUMP IT!”  Actually, I just answered my own question.

I would totally yell “bump it.”

6.  She wasn’t good enough to be Zach’s girlfriend.

I look way cuter with him than she ever did, and I know the importance of safe teenage behavior—I wear a helmet.  As is evidenced below, you pervs.

 

Funny things my husband yelledFor some time our bathtub has needed to be re-caulked.  However, instead of actually caulking it, my husband and I spend the time we could actually be fixing it making jokes and using the word “caulk” in as many perverted ways as possible…because we’re classy.

But today, that all came to an end when he decided to pick up that large weapon he loves to wield and went to work right there in the bathroom…with a caulk gun.

I don’t like to help in home improvement projects, mostly because I don’t know what I’m doing anymore than Matt does, and it would be more of the blind leading the blind if I were to lend my helping hand.  Plus, that hand is usually holding a cocktail.

So instead of helping, I like to observe from the sidelines and pretend I don’t see him casually looking up YouTube videos whenever he needs help.

Today was no different.  He headed to the bathroom holding his large tool and I hoped for the best.  It had to be done and we didn’t want to pay a professional to do it, mostly because Matt told himself he was a master of caulk. (See what I mean about the inappropriate jokes?)

When Matt went in to do the deed, I kept my ears open because I knew he would yell random things during the project.  I wasn’t disappointed.

Because I’m good to you, I kept track of all the things he yelled while caulking the tub.  I need to point out that every one of these were YELLED.  Not said, but yelled loudly enough for me to hear them several rooms away. Perhaps that’s what makes them so funny.

Enjoy.

Okay.  I’m going to try to caulk this bitch.”

Yes!  Come on.  Give it to me!”

You’re being a little bitch.

They make it look a lot easier online!”

Yeah you filthy bitch!”

There’s just so much light!”  (I have no idea what he was talking about here)

Oh yeah!  Oh.  Yeah!”

How do you know the desired bead size?  I guess it’s trial and error.  We’ll see!”

Ah!  I’m falling…

I can’t get this off…which has never been a problem for me.

Jealous? You should be.  Our bathtub is now freshly caulked.  Whether it’s done correctly remains to be seen.  I suspect I’ll have to watch a few YouTube videos to make sure he did it correctly.

 

Dear Chin Hair,Dear Chin Hair,

Where the hell did you come from?  I certainly didn’t invite you, nor did I tell you to take up residence on my chin.

Granted, I’ve noticed you other random places, but figured you were a one-time visitor and wouldn’t return because the accommodations are poor and the Yelp! reviews are less than glowing.

But now you’ve decided to visit my face?  Not cool.  Not cool at all.

At first I thought it was a mistake; a result of poor lighting in my Volkswagen, Dieter.  I noticed you in the rearview mirror and suspected you were just a scratch on the mirror.  But no.  If only…

I’ve only recently tried to evict you, but you’ve proven a formidable opponent.  You’re strong and stubborn and coarse and much firmer than I would have expected.

Forgive me for being so stern. I realize you’d like a nice place to call home, but that home can’t be my chin.  It just can’t.

Yes. I realize you’re threatening to migrate other places if I evict you, but I won’t be bullied.  You won’t be allowed to stay.  Not at all.  “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin.”

And yes, I see both the humor and the irony in that statement.

You have to go because no matter what, you’re going to set up shop somewhere else on my face.  You’re quite popular and your friends will want to party at your place…which will be on my face. They’ll leave some of their friends behind who will join you at your permanent residence and will continue to be the obnoxious neighbor who pops up at inopportune times…like at a client dinner.

Not on my watch. Or as it stands, not on my chin.

Where did you even come from? You’re a stealthy one. Sneaking up on me one day only to discover you’d already moved in and furnished the place is not the most pleasant way to introduce yourself.

Perhaps moving in gradually would have helped our relationship.  Of course, had you slowly moved in I probably would have caught you sooner and evicted you, so perhaps this strategy was best for you.

Either way, I need you to go. I don’t care where you go but you can’t stay here…or anywhere on my face or neck. I’ve got enough of your friends to deal with there.

So goodbye chin hair. I won’t miss you and I’m not sorry to see you go. Please go bother some other woman; preferably a cute one in her early 20s.

Love Lisa

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

I’m on the web other places this week

I Love My Hairy Children

I Broke Up With My Best Friend (And Maybe You Should Too)

funny crap my husband says, September 2014 (1)Hey guys!

Summer is over which means I’m in a perpetual state of sadness.  However, one of the few things that lifts my spirits is posting some of the funny crap my husband said when he wasn’t trying to be funny.

I’ve had a rough few weeks recently and this guy has gotten me through them with a lot of laughs.  (And bourbon.  I’ve had a LOT of bourbon these last 2 weeks.)

Since I love you guys, I’m sharing some of the wonderful nuggets of wisdom my husband shared with me this past month.  I really need to market him into a 1-900 number of inspirational sh*t.

Lover Not A Fighter

Matt:  “I’m totally amorous.  If I was a drink I’d be an amorous-o-sour.”

Inventor

Lisa: <Walks into room to find Matt laying on the couch.> “I thought for sure you’d be drinking a glass of wine.

Matt:  <Points to glass of wine between his legs> “I’m hands-free with this b*tch!

Buddhist/Spiritual Adivsor

Matt: “I could totally be a Buddhist if it wasn’t for all that silence stuff.”

photo (1)

He was NOT happy I took this photo.

Scientist

Lisa:  “Close the curtains. People can see inside the house now that it’s dark.”

Matt:  “No they can’t.”

Lisa:  “Yes they can. You can see inside the house when it’s dark outside and light inside the house.”

Matt:  “No. It’s the opposite of that.”

Lisa:  “So you’re saying you can see inside the house when it’s light outside and dark in the house.”

Matt:  “Of course not. It’s the opposite of that. It’s science honey. I can’t explain it.”

Considerate Spouse

Matt:  “Ouch!  Ouch! This is hot!“<Throws bag of steamed vegetables at Lisa>  “You take it!

Speaker of Sweet-Nothings

Matt:  <laughing>  “I want to say something but it’s gonna creep you out.”

Lisa:  “Just say it.”

Matt: “No. I’m creeped out just thinking about it.”

photo (2)

Please excuse my humidity hair. New Orleans is humid y’all!

A Jokester

Lisa: “That’s a Matt Newlin joke.” 

Matt: “No it’s not. I wouldn’t ever say something so lame…unless it was about a horse that had to be put down.” <Gives a Goddamned sh*t-eating grin>

Doctor Love

Lisa:  “I need to get my birth control prescription.”

Matt:  “Where do you go for that? Do you go to a urologist? Or maybe a HERologist?

World’s Best Listener

Lisa:  “And so I was thinking…

Matt:  <Gets up and leaves the room> “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lisa:  “I was in the middle of telling you a story.”

Matt:  “I knew where it was going.”

We really do love each other!

We really do love each other!

Tom Hardy’s #1 Fan

Lisa:  “Isn’t Tom Hardy bisexual? I thought he was.”

Matt:  “Tom Hardy is not bisexual. He’s just so straight that he bangs guys. That doesn’t make him bisexual.”

Steel Trap Memory

Lisa: “What else did you say the other night when we were talking about going to Mexico?

Matt: “I don’t know. You know I don’t listen to myself.

So what was your favorite Matt Newlism of the month? Tell me all about it!

Dear iphone (2)Dear iPhone 6,

I haven’t met you yet but I feel like I already know you.  Your father and I have been anxiously awaiting your arrival and can’t wait to bring you home to be with your older iPhone brothers and sisters.

We’ve read all the literature on how to be the best iPhone 6 parents we can be and we’re hoping you’re a good addition to our home.  We’re so happy to be bringing another Apple product into our family.  You’ll feel right at home with your older siblings the iPods, the iPad and the other iPhones.  We know you’re the newest edition and with that comes a change in how to handle you.

We’ve never had a phablet before, and the experts say that’s what you will be.  We’re not exactly sure how to take care of a phablet, but we’re willing to learn, and our experience with your siblings has taught us what to expect with any new addition.

Will we be disappointed in you?  Of course.  We always are whenever a new Apple product comes out.  We know it should be a happy time when a new addition graces our family but in the past, it’s been our experience that those first several weeks are usually a let-down.

Don’t get me wrong, we’ll still defend you to our other friends who aren’t cool enough to have a new iPhone 6 like you.  We’ll rave about how wonderful you are and how you’ve practically replaced everything that matters in our lives.  But deep down?  Deep down we’ll know you were a disappointment.

In those first few months we will have to take you to experts fairly regularly.  Even if you come into this world completely healthy, the chances are strong, based upon our experience with your siblings, that we will spend many hours standing in line waiting to see the guy or girl in the blue shirt.  That person will look down on us for not understanding how to properly care for you, but that’s always how it is, so we won’t be overly shocked or offended.  That person will also speak to us in a condescending tone as if we’re the ones who are experts in the care and operation of iPhones.

Once again, we will stand strong and ignore how we’re treated, all because we care about you and want you to be free of viruses.

We know that we will most certainly have to purchase insurance for you, as you will require many visits to the experts in the first few months of your existence.  The insurance is ridiculously expensive but it’s necessary if we’re going to go out on a limb and add another sibling to our already large family.

We also know that we will probably be forced to get a newer version of you, thereby adding yet another sibling to the family.  If experience is any guide, we’ll have to continue to expand our family due to the large amount of bugs and viruses that can take over a new device.

But for now we’re excited.  We’re excited to see you and see what you can do for us. We know you’ll be a disappointment and will cost us a lot of money up-front, but we also know we can’t wait to get you, mostly because then we’ll look cool to all of our friends.

Looking forward to meeting you!

Love,

Your future parents

Welcome to another week of Tinder Tuesdays: where I mercilessly mock a Tinder photo and remind myself that it isn’t so bad to be a thirty-something married woman.

This week’s photo comes from a man who seems to have a variety of hobbies, all of which are probably centered around stalking people. I suspect his face is hanging on a “Most Wanted” photo in a small-town post office.

Phallic symbol suggesting he's not wellSee?  Total. Creeper.

Check out his stalker equipment.  Not only does he have a gigantic telescope that can probably spot women undressing 3 blocks away, he also has a back-up set of binoculars to keep an eye on those future victims that live closer to home.  Or at least closer to the home he broke into in order to take this photo.

Week 11 of Tinder TuesdaysWhen I see that telescope I can’t help but think about Ronald Miller in “Can’t Buy Me Love” when he skipped the telescope purchase so he could be popular for a month. If I could give advice to this gentleman, I would tell him to skip the telescope purchase and find a cute girl returning a $1,000 suede outfit.  Maybe then he could get a date.

Then again, this guy is no Ronald Miller.

He has a barometer on the wall which would suggest he’s into nautical things except I see no other reference to boats or ships. Instead, I think he likes to know the barometric pressure so he can determine if rain is in the forecast.  He likes rain because it gives him a chance to wear his sexy rain boots, which he’s modeling in the photo as well.

He loves those boots because they keep his feet nice and toasty…especially since he rarely wears pants.

Which brings us to his pants…or lack thereof.  He’s rocking only a yellow pair of boxer/briefs.  It looks like he’s not much of a decision maker and couldn’t fully commit to either a boxer or a brief. Either that, or he’s excellent at compromises and this is how he shows it.

Either way, I get why he has a large phallic statue in the corner of the room.  Homeboy is definitely not working with much of a package.  I also suspect that he, much like the girls in my third grade class, stuffs his undergarments to make things look a little bigger.

Hello disappointment.

One thing is definitely for sure: he loves ‘Merica.  Or at least I think he does.  He’s wearing a red, white and blue garter belt around his arm.  I suspect he’s wearing it to feign patriotism while also covering up his horrible prison tattoo of a mermaid that he got from a bearded man doing 2-5 for indecent exposure.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysEither way, the garter belt came from the wedding reception of one classy bride.

My favorite part of his ensemble is the pink puffy vest, which undoubtedly came from the childrens’ department at Sears.  I want to say he bought it there on clearance but I think it’s more likely he got this in a very sophisticated street trade with an 11 year-old.  She got a sh*t ton of Pokemon cards as payment.

This guy is also not an animal lover. His raccoon skin cap says rodents and small woodland creatures are not welcome near his home.  It also says that he probably smells like mothballs because….come on….have you ever seen one of those hats that doesn’t have a horrible smell?

Although he’s holding a large rifle, for some reason I don’t think he’s violent.  I think he uses that to shoot PBR cans in the backyard, but I don’t get the sense he would actually use the gun as a weapon.  I suspect I feel that way because it’s clear he’s a lover of art.

The lovely piece that’s displayed on top of the piano looks like it’s a piece he paid quite a bit for…potentially up to $5.00 at auction garage sale.

Although he may know artwork and have a flair for fashion, he definitely isn’t much of a homemaker.  The bottom of the piano bench is filthy and hasn’t seen a dust rag in years.  I suspect all of his rags may be in use at the moment soaking in chloroform.

I’m not sure this gent is going to find love on Tinder, but I hope the authorities find him there, as I’m sure he’s wanted by more than just the fashion police.

What they should really teach atEvery fall, millions of high school graduates pack up their things and head off to college to increase their knowledge and decrease their bank accounts. It’s an exciting time but a scary one too. There are so many unanswered questions college newbies have, but most of them are too scared to ask.

Most schools require some form of orientation for the new students, although those are about as useless as the salad bar in the cafeteria. I know when I went to college I didn’t know who to turn to for answers.

Unfortunately, I had to learn many of these things the hard way. But in an effort to save other college students from making the same mistakes I did, I’m offering tips for what they didn’t teach you in college orientation, but should have.

  • Never ask “What’s that smell?”  You don’t want to know the answer. Ever.
  • Beer bottles will clink together when you’re trying to sneak beer into the dorm in your backpack. Get cans instead.
  • You will never fit all of your clothes in the dorm room’s closet. Buy some storage bins.
  • Someone will steal your shampoo at least once. It will happen.
  • You will learn to drink bottom-shelf liquor, but you will still hate it. You will also learn that it’s kept on the bottom shelf so it’s easier to grab when you’re laying on the floor “resting your eyes.”
  • You actually have to read the assigned reading. It’s totally a bummer.
  • There’s a difference between cheap and expensive toilet paper and it isn’t just price.
  • Your professor can still see you sleeping even though you’re in the back row.
  • There are some really weird people in the world. One of them will probably be your roommate.
  • Foot fungus. It’s a thing. Wear sandals.
  • That sound you hear through the wall? That’s snoring. You’ll hear that for the next four years.
  • Don’t be a hero and schedule an 8:00 a.m. class. Anything before 10:00 is going to be skipped regularly.
  • The washing machine costs more than just a quarter to run. You might have to get a job just to be able to wash your delicates.

Facts they didn't teach you at college orientation

  • The food in the dorms is all-you-can eat. That’s not  a challenge. Leave while you’re ahead, and while your pants still fit.
  • Make sure you have an internet connection before you move in. Being disconnected is not an option.
  • Spend a little extra time with your parents before saying goodbye. There’s probably an extra $20 in it for you.
  • You can buy nearly anything at the school bookstore, and it only shows up as “bookstore charge” on your school account. Skittles for everybody!
  • You can sell your books back at the end of the semester and get cash back. You can also neglect to tell your parents this important fact.
  • Your dorm room will always be either too hot or too cold, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
  • Your friends won’t go out to the bars until most people are in bed. Take a nap and set your alarm for 9:00 p.m.
  • Some organization somewhere on campus is giving out pizza at any given time.
  • Your rain boots might be cute but they don’t do crap to keep your feet dry.
  • If you find a parking spot close to your dorm, take it.  And then never leave again.
  • It’s perfectly acceptable to raid your roommate’s care package from home before he gets back from class. Those homemade cookies will go to waste otherwise.
  • Opening five different credit cards just to get the free gifts is never a good idea.

Opening 5 different credit cards just to

  • No matter which dorm you get, you’ll wish you were in a different one.
  • No one understands economics. Just remember that supply and demand are related and you should be fine.
  • Night classes go on exponentially longer than regular classes.

Hopefully these tips are useful to college freshmen everywhere.  And hey, if any of you are still reading this, can you grab me some Skittles from the bookstore?

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Other places you can find me on the internet this week

I Sleep With Teenage Boys

Goodbye Summer

It’s Tuesday even though it feels like Monday.  It’s a good thing we have another Tinder Tuesday! This week’s guy is a fan of my hometown, STL and is representing it via hat…even if the rest of the photo is less than stellar.

5-pound woman's weight

This guy looks like a serious toolbox.  As if that needed to be said, but I felt compelled anyway.

Let’s start with the weights to the left.  I see there is one dumbbell in the background.  Theoretically the other weight is behind his shoulder, but theoretically this isn’t a one-room apartment over his grandma’s garage.

Week 10 of Tinder TuesdaysI love the kettle ball sitting in the middle of the room.  I suspect it’s there to impress us, but I really think it’s there because he tried to bring it in when he moved into his crib and that’s as far as he could carry it before he gave himself a hernia.

And there it remains until his brother moves in.

I see there is one lone tennis shoes, interestingly walking away from the weights and kettle ball. I doubt that’s a coincidence. However, seeing this one shoe solves a long-time mystery.  Whenever I see a single shoe randomly strewn on the side of the road, I always wonder where the other shoe is.  THAT’S WHERE THE OTHER SHOE IS!

Homeboy also looks like he likes to vacuum, or at least he wants to give that impression with that neon vacuum in the background.   Jeez, guy. We get it.  You own a vacuum. We’re super pumped about it.  Now fire that b*tch up and sweep up that mauve carpet. Grandma likes a tidy apartment.

There’s a laundry basket in the background that suggests he’s fresh and clean, but he forgot to pick up the rest of his dirty clothes off of the floor.  He’s probably only worn those 3 times so he doesn’t think they’re dirty yet and he certainly doesn’t care that they’re on the floor.

We definitely know he didn’t wear them at the gym…or moving that kettle ball.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysI’m telling myself it’s dirty clothes and it’s not a dirty towel.  I’m telling myself it’s not a dirty towel.  It’s not…

I can’t tell for sure but it looks like on one of those Russian nesting doll tables is a picture frame. It looks like there’s a photo of a baby but it could just be what came with the frame.  I bet he thinks it makes him look cuddly.  It really just makes him look like a pedo.

And is that a rat trap back there by the trash can?  I’m not sure, but Matt swears it is. I’m not sure if rats would make it up the stairs at g’ma’s house house though. If they do, maybe those rats are the ones using those weights.

One thing is for sure, he’s looking for someone to snuggle with in that sweet beige recliner he found at Goodwill.

90sAs many of you know, the unauthorized “Saved By The Bell” behind-the-scenes movie premiered on tvt.  You know it’s a totally accurate and legit movie because it premiered on Lifetime; the most well-respected of all networks.  After all, it’s television for women. You can’t go wrong with a network like that, right?

I cut my ties with cable a few months ago so I haven’t yet seen what promises to be an epic disappointment, but I can only imagine how delightfully horrible this movie really is.

The term “movie” is used loosely here, as I’m familiar with Lifetime’s other “works” including such titles as “I’m Sick Of Being Beaten Up” and “Raped At 16.”

Okay, I don’t know if those are actually the names of movies they aired but I suspect they are.

Since this movie is airing some of  “Saved By The Bell’s” potentially true secrets, I think other shows from the 90s should follow suit.  I’m sure Lifetime agrees with me there.

So in the spirit of pushing production along, I’ve come up with some shows from the 90s that need to be made into exposes.  Here’s a few along with the title of the movie.

“Who’s The Boss?”

What was really behind that epic battle…and who won.

“The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”

He was neither fresh nor a prince.

“Blossom”

What the hell was up with that hat?

“Alf”

Lovable puppet or cat serial killer?

“Full House”

How 3 dudes lived in a house with 3 kids and never got reported to Child Services

“The Nanny”

Earplugs: The key to survival on set

“The Drew Carey Show”

Apparently Cleveland rocks

“Friends”

…with benefits

“Hey Dude”

Denim’s most embarrassing decade

“Lambchop’s Play Along”

Anyone up for a gyro?

“Baywatch”

They didn’t wear pants when they were offscreen either

Okay, did I get them all?  Which ones did I forget? Let me know.

And if any of you have cable, please DVR the “Saved By The Bell”  movie. I’ll need to watch and I can’t do it at my house.

I’ll bring the beer.