pantry say about youMatt and I recently visited my parents for the weekend. Their house is always stocked with food, so the first morning I was there I trodded into the kitchen and quietly opened the pantry door.  I wanted to scour for food but also wanted to retrieve the no bake cookies I hid there yesterday.  (They were delicious.)

I stood there munching on my hidden gems, hiding from everyone else, and couldn’t help but look around at what was on the shelves.  I was pretty shocked at what I found.  Here’s a breakdown.

And please note, these are ALL photos from their pantry.  Every.  Last.  Strange.  One.

1.  Three shelves of liquor

Okay, they weren’t full shelves of liquor, but there were three partial shelves of alcohol goodness.  How many shelves were taken up by cereal and fiber items?   One.  However, I don’t think this is a bad thing. It just demonstrates my parents are always ready to entertain and are great party hosts.

This was perfectly acceptable.

2.  Six flasks

This was a bit more concerning, as they are the only two people who reside in their home.  This large quantity of flasks is a bit more difficult to explain, unless they host parties where they encourage guests to hide their drinks. Maybe they are speakeasy themed parties.

That has to be the reason. It’s the only logical explanation.

Were they really using the flasks to sneak liquor into places?  Maybe, but then again, how many times do you need to smuggle in enough liquor for 3 times the number the amount a normal person would need?

Soooo many places are buzz kills and don’t allow you to bring in liquor, so you have to hide it like teenagers going to prom. And maybe my parents wouldn’t have to smuggle in liquor if the establishments would sell enough for either one or two times your body weight.

Maybe I could get on board with this finding.

3.  One large Ziploc bag of mini bottles of liquor

I suppose this is a backup in case the six flasks of liquor are discovered in a strip search while going to the local cinema. I suppose it’s good to have an alternate plan.

I can say one thing about these people… they’re prepared.  (And may also need to be placed on a liver transplant list more as a precautionary measure.)

4.  Two fans

Fans in the kitchen closet is not what I expected to see. Normally fans are stored in a basement or hall closet.  Not at the casa de mi parents. Those fans are stored in the kitchen cupboard.

Sadly, this makes sense to me.  If they are consuming three shelves of liquor, they’re probably hot.  They need a fan and can’t be expected to share, so a fan for each of them makes sense.

And why would they keep the fans in the basement? That would be too much work to go to the basement after kicking back some cocktails. It’s just asking for an injury. Come on. They’re my parents so you have to assume they’re at least a little accident prone.

This is exactly why the fans are stored with the liquor. I’m actually kind of disturbed that I’m so easily able to follow their logic.

5.  Ten boxes of Jell-0 mix


This isn’t as strange as the other items at first glance but I looked closer. What I noticed were the flavors. Notice anything? That’s right. THEY’RE ALL LIQUOR FLAVORS! There’s margarita, daiquiri and pina colada Jell-o all right there next to the Progresso.

I didn’t know they even made these flavors of Jell-o, but why do my parents have these flavors, and why is there no pudding? Didn’t they know the Jell-o brand also made pudding?

I felt I owed it to my parents to ask about the flavors (and also to see if they had pudding). I assure you that my mom responded with the following after being asked why she had alcohol flavored Jell-o.

Because everyone loves Jell-o shots.”

She said it as if I was a complete moron for asking such a ridiculous question.  As if I was the one with a cabinet full of fans and liquor.  And yet, she had a point.  Who doesn’t love a Jell-o shot?  No one.  That’s who.

Maybe my parents are on to something.

6.  Six containers of peanut butter

JifBefore I go any further, allow me to assure you this peanut butter was in no way laced with liquor.  I checked.

Once again I had to question my mom on the need for such a large quantity of peanut butter and the varying brands.  I could tell she wa growing tired of my questions, but she responded that the generic peanut butter was “for the birds.”

I had to clarify if she meant the peanut butter tasted bad, or if it was  literally “for the birds.”  Apparently the answer was both.  It tasted bad and my mom “wasn’t going to give the birds the name-brand peanut butter.”  (Another direct quote.)

This was said as one of her dogs walked by in a hand-stitched doggie sweater.  I.  Sh*t.  You.  Not.

So in actuality, the two generic peanut butter containers were for the birds, and the two large Jif containers were for them.  The small snack size peanut butter containers were for when a small snack was needed.  I suspect it’s because a bag of almonds couldn’t fit in one’s purse when it was filled with flasks and Jell-o shots.

At this point, I stopped looking at items in the pantry.  It wasn’t so much because there weren’t other strange things on the shelves, but more because I was out of cookies and wanted to find some pudding.


16 Thoughts on “What Does Your Pantry Say About You?

  1. I don’t like Jell-O but I love me some Jell-O shots!
    Vicki Lesage just rambled about…Passport Photo ShootMy Profile

  2. OMG I love your mom! Just the thought of those lazy, good-for-nothing, freeloading birds loitering in her backyard, looking for a handout… Priceless.
    Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 just rambled about…Thoughts on My Son’s First Day of KindergartenMy Profile

    • Honestly Jenn, you would LOVE my mom. She’s positively hilarious and it’s not just because of all the alcohol in the house. And no joke, one of her dogs is always in full bling. One of her collars has bling and then it blinks to make it extra special.

      I swear this is why I’m not a girly-girl. It’s all my mom wanted!

  3. OK- my pantry is a complete mess at the moment – however, there are 6 bottles of assorted Moscato wine. 4-5 different varieties of pop tarts, snacks are restricted to the bottom shelf. 3 kinds of gatorade on the floor, three different kinds of 12 packs of soda next to the gatorade. The entire right side of the pantry is for condiments… you name it … it is there. The corner of the top shelf is reserved for the land mines of mouse traps (we live on a farm) and I catch them on their way in… cause they dont use the damn door.
    Michele just rambled about…Kindergarten Round 2My Profile

    • It sounds like you’re a family that’s very well hydrated! I also like knowing that you have the most wine with the pop tarts coming in second place. That’s how it should be.

      And I get the mice problem. When I was in law school I lived in the crappiest house ever and the mice INFESTED the house. I felt like Johhny from “The Shining” because whenever I would go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I would take my flashlight and check all the traps. It sucked. That house shouldn’t have had that many mice because IT WAS IN THE SUBURBS! On a farm? Totally. In an urban city? Not so much.

  4. Hysterical… your family is awesome!
    Rachael just rambled about…Love DisconnectionMy Profile

    • My family really is pretty darn funny. Throw my brother and his wife into the mix and we pretty much laugh the entire time we’re together…until we run out of Jell-o shots.

  5. What an awesome pantry. Booze and no-bake cookies. I love those little buggers so much. And they are made with peanut butter so that is probably why she has four containers of PB. To make no-bakes because they are great travel cookies and would go well with Jell-O shots and flasks of Crown Royal. There lines of logic are never ending with this treasure filled pantry.
    Pattie just rambled about…Ten Things of Thankful #7My Profile

    • EXCELLENT reasoning on the peanut butter. I seriously had no idea what to make of all of that but I was cracking up when I saw all of it. Come to think of it, I’m not convinced my parents don’t make no-bake cookies out of Crown Royal…maybe that’s why they’re so good.

  6. I’d try this experiment at my parents house but my mom has like 4 pantries, doomsday storage in the basement and I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know what’s in the shed.

    Great post and great blog overall (I’ve been surfing)! Would love to add you to the sidebar of my own if’n ya don’t mind.
    Eric just rambled about…The Opticynicism Jackshit Weekly Wrap-upMy Profile

    • Your mom has 4 pantries?! She’s my hero. If I had 4 pantries one of them would just be various assortments of Little Debbie Cakes. That would also be what would be in my doomsday storage basement.

      I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed my blog! I love knowing people like what I write. And of course you can add me to your sidebar. I would love it! I think the link to the little photo thing is on my main page on the right. Let me know if you can’t get it to work.

      Thank you!

  7. We have generic peanut butter for the dog (shove pills in a smear of peanut butter, and Stupid eats the whole thing in one gulp).

    I cleaned out my pantry almost a year ago (there was an entire jar of malt syrup that spilled on the floor under the shelving as motivation), and found 17 different types of vinegar (3 with fruit flies drowned in them), 9 kinds of flour, and 21 different Asian condiments. What my pantry says about me is that I’m one bottle of hoisin sauce away from an episode of “Hoarders.”
    qwertygirl just rambled about…Changing the ChannelMy Profile

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