Yup. That’s right! It’s another Tuesday and another Tinder photo that I mock relentlessly. This week’s guy isn’t a d-bag like other weeks. Quite the opposite. I doubt he’s ever even been with a woman.
I’m not sure if that’s a family of angels, but one thing’s for certain; they’re this guy’s friends. He most likely tells them about his day and about his wildest dreams; of actually talking to that girl at the comic book store. (It’s never going to happen.)
It appears as if the angels have given birth to a baby angel and it’s colorful. I’m not sure how all white angels can spawn a multicolored angel, but it appears as if that’s exactly what happened. I’m also not sure if angels get freaky, but if they do, I bet this guy watches.
The good news about this guy is that he’s capable of being fancy. He has a top hat on the top shelf because…where else would it go?
This guy clearly knows fancy. I can’t imagine where he would wear this top hat, but I suspect it’s to Comic Con when he dresses up like the old school penguin from Batman. Either that, or he wears only the top hat while he dances around the apartment singing “Tea for Two” while swinging a baton.
Sitting next to the top hat is an example of his epic failure. A ship. A ship he couldn’t get into a goddamned bottle no matter how hard he tried. He keeps it there to remind himself of the worthless piece of crap he’s become.
But at least he’s sentimental. On the wall he has the dead flowers he sent to his high school crush. She sent them back to him, probably because they were accompanied by a note that said “I see your every move.”
He keeps them as a momento.
He also likes artwork, as evidenced by the odd picture hanging on the wall. I suspect it’s a paint-by-number painting that he did while he was in the hospital on a psych hold. I don’t know for what. I just suspect it was for something creepy.
This guy is no stranger to eating frozen dinners while watching “Wheel of Fortune” in his boxers. He’s able to make this happen because of the TV trays that are leaned up against the wall. There are more than one in case his mom wants to join him.
He’s also got a soft side too. Pleae note the multicolored bear in the bottom corner. That bear is sitting on a rocking chair, you know, so he’ll be comfortable. Fortunately, the bear is in its favorite sweater, so you know he’s comfy. I suspect this guy knitted it just for him.
Sitting next to the creepy bear is a small candle that’s probably been there since 1995. I can practically see the dust on it.
Next to that candle is some sort of stuffed animal that is going to haunt my nightmares. The face on it looks terrified, and it’s terrifying.
Come to think of it, it’s probably terrified by the guy’s outfit. I’m not sure if it’s a sweater or a sweatshirt that he’s wearing, but I am sure that he got it at Goodwill when he went there shopping for a new couch.
He also rocks those mom jeans. He obviously didn’t realize he stumbled into the women’s section of the store and he couldn’t turn down sweet denim for $3.99. Unfortunately, it looks like he forgot his braided belt. It’s the only thing that would make his ensemble complete.
All things said, he seems like he might actually be a good guy. He’s holding his hand out like he wants to take it and walk into the sunset with the woman of his dreams. Either that, or he would like to tango with someone.
He’s been practicing with his mom.