funny crap my husband says, August 2014I’m not even going to pretend this time that you guys are here to read my writing.  I’ve finally accepted that the real reason my blog stays in business (albiet making no money) is because of the funny crap my husband says.  I really need to trademark this $hit.

This month I have so many that I’ve actually had to hold some back for next month, which is just downright ridiculous.  It’s also a teaser for next month.

Let’s just get this party started.

Television Producer

Matt:  “That relationship is destined to end in a murder-suicide.  When it’s on Dateline it can be called “Murder-suey in St. Louie.”

Humble Servant

Lisa:  “You were right about this ONE thing.  Big deal.  A broken clock is right twice a day.”

Matt:  “Yeah.  And this broken clock was right today.”

This was the item he was right about.  Look at him.  Pure.  Joy.

This was the item he was right about. Look at him. Pure. Joy.

Butter Fingers

<sound of microwave turntable moving in the other room>

Matt:  “It’s ok.  I’m fine.  Don’t worry.”

Lisa:  “I knew what that sound was and I knew you were fine.”

Matt:  “Fortunately I was.  But I could have gotten a bruise that would have lasted for days.”

Employee of the Month

Matt:  “Isn’t that why we all have full time jobs?  So we can print stuff for free?”

Green Thumb

Matt:  “We should go sit outside for lunch and take Shady Jack.”

Lisa:  “That sounds good.  Where do you want to go?”

Matt:  “I don’t know.  I plant the seed of knowledge and you have to water it.”

Celebrating our birthdays that are three days apart.  We ate so much food.  So.  Much.  Food.

Celebrating our birthdays that are three days apart. We ate so much food. So. Much. Food.

Bladder of Steel

Matt:  “You go ahead and get in the pool.  I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lisa:  “Ok.”

Matt:  “Nah.  I’ll just pee in the pool.”

Reasonably Flexible

Lisa:  “Why don’t you just do it this way?  Your way doesn’t make any sense.”

Matt:  “This conversation doesn’t make any sense.”

Mechanical Engineer

Lisa:  “My seatbelt is stuck.  I can’t get it.”

Matt:  “Stop pulling on it and it will work.”

Lisa:  “Ok.  You do it.”

<Matt can’t get it unstuck>

Matt:  “I don’t know why you have to break things.”

Renaissance Man

<laying in bed and pointing to the window next to the bed>

Matt:  “Hey.  I opened up this window with my foot.  Are you impressed?”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my husband.  And yes, I married him because he could open a window with his foot.


Which one was your favorite?

Lisa and Matt at Hooers

18 Thoughts on “Funny crap my husband says: August 2014 edition

  1. We’re supposed to pick a favorite out of all these gems?? Impossible! You are aware, aren’t you, that your hubby is a cutie-pie? Just thought I’d mention it.

  2. Definitely the window opening foot – I mean, c’mon, how many people do you actually know who can do that?
    Tamara just rambled about…Top Ten Tuesday – Stop fidgeting!My Profile

  3. Scarlett on August 8, 2014 at 11:10 am said:

    “I plant the seed of knowledge and you have to water it…” Hands down. Well said Matt.

  4. According to my husband Lisa, you are living the dream.
    Dexterous feet and all.
    Patte just rambled about…Ten Things of Thankful #4My Profile

  5. You guys are so cute together! My favorite comment was the “Green Thumb.”
    Marcia @ Menopausal Mother just rambled about…Welcome To The ZooMy Profile

  6. The seed of knowledge, definitely! LOL I’d like to be a fly on your wall for a day!
    Jhanis just rambled about…Kang Kong Chicharon – Healthier Snack for KidsMy Profile

    • Honestly, we crack ourselves up pretty regular. There are so many times one of us will say “If we had a reality show, right now our viewers would be cracking up.”

      If only…

  7. Melissa on August 9, 2014 at 9:22 am said:

    I wish my husband was funny. Love is laughter.

  8. This was GREAT! My husband is pretty funny too. And I can relate…I am pretty sure the ONLY reason people come to MY blog is because of the hilarious things my 4 yo daughter, Brennan, says. Geesh. I’m funny too dammit! (And I am pretty sure you are too) 😉
    Drama Queen’s Momma just rambled about…And just like that SUMMER IS OVER…My Profile

    • I know exactly how you feel sister! Why do our loved ones steal the spotlight? I mean, I guess it’s good that we surround ourselves with funny people, but puh-lease. They need to respect the masters….us!

  9. I myself like the seatbelt remark because it’s the sort of thing my husband would say to me (FINE FINE HE DID say it to me when I broke the driver’s side window on his car). But when your husband said it I laughed. When mine said it, I gestured obscenely behind his back.
    qwertygirl just rambled about…Changing the ChannelMy Profile

    • YES! You always know how to make me feel better about things, and sharing your story tells me I’m not alone. Either in the husband shaming part or the breaking the driver’s side window part. (TRUE STORY.)

      And don’t worry, I also gestured obscenely behind my husband’s back too. It’s truly the secret to a great marriage.

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