So in order to help us to cope with these obnoxious tales, Nicole Leigh Shaw of Ninja Mom Blog has a Character Assassination Carousel over at http://www.ninjamomblog.com/ that makes it all better. It’s a monthly murder of a children’s book by mockery. Don’t worry, it’s a clean kill, so there’s no messy clean up.
Each month a new assassin takes his/her best shot at a ridiculous children’s book. Last month Social Butterfly Mom mocked “Yankee Doodle” and did an excellent job. You can find it here. http://www.chicagonow.com/social-butterfly-mom/2014/07/character-assassination-carousel-yankee-doodle/
This month, I’m mocking “Whats Up In The Attic?”
Yeah, I know. There’s a lot of material so let’s get started
We all know Bert and Ernie from their rubber ducky antics in the bathtub. Unfortunately, that’s not the way anyone wants to become famous, but them’s the breaks. When you’re so obsessed with a rubber toy that you make a song out of it, you’re bound to turn some heads.
Many of those heads simply turn away because they don’t like seeing a puppet in a bathtub.
Looking back through the other assassinated books from The Carousel, I noticed Bert and Ernie and their bathing fetish weren’t represented adequately.
I’ve decided to right that wrong by making this month’s assassinated characters the infamous Bert and Ernie themselves (sans bubbles).
I chose “What’s Up In The Attic?” as the book I’m going to brutally rip apart this week. There are many reasons I chose this literary wonder, but mostly because it makes it so easy to make this next joke about Bert and Ernie:
Why are you guys looking at what’s in the attic? Shouldn’t you guys be looking in the closet?
BOOM! Yes, I picked this book solely to make that joke, but it was worth it. Totally. Worth. It.
This assassination is done by the mother reading the book to her kids, so it’s told from her point of view. Fortunately for you, you can enjoy it without the smell of moth balls assaulting your nostrils.
You guys need to find something to do today because it’s a rainy day and you’re driving me nuts. Yes, the cable is out because of the storm (or because I forgot to pay the bill. Both are equally logical explanations).
Regardless, you need to make your own adventure today, but not in a way that destroys my living room.
Because I need to get something from the attic, and because I want to wear you guys out, I’ll take you with me. I know reading this book to you isn’t going to tire you sufficiently, so let’s go up to our attic and see what we can find there.
We’ll read the book as we go. Just don’t touch anything, and please, for the love of God, don’t put anything in your mouths. Got it?
“What’s that in this box?” you ask. It’s a box of mommy’s skimpy bar-hopping clothes from before she had kids…or inhibitions. These short skirts helped mommy pay for college because she always drank for free at the clubs.
Oddly enough, these clothes directly contributed to your arrival on this earth.
Those? Those are Daddy’s magazines that Mommy won’t let him look at. He doesn’t want to part with them so Mommy pretends not to know he has them up here. Let’s keep that a secret.
Yes, there’s an old crusty t-shirt in with those magazines. Don’t ask and DON’T touch it.
Be careful of what else is up here: Spiders. A shit ton of spiders. Don’t try to befriend them. Some of them are mean and none of them are as nice as Charlotte from “Charlotte’s Web.”
Wait. What are you—did I not just tell you to stay away from them? And those are spider webs not cotton candy. Get down from there. Jesus!
Oh that? That’s mommy’s stash of candy that she keeps away from everyone. Oh shit. Yes, that is cotton candy but it’s not yours.
That pink stuff on the ground? That’s insulation, at least a little bit of it. Daddy needs to get on this project and add a lot more up here. Mommy has been telling him to do it for a year. This fluffy pink stuff that’s super thin is why mommy doesn’t let you open the door during when the air conditioning is on.
Are you—-are you seriously trying to eat the insulation? It’s not cotton candy! NOTHING UP HERE IS COTTON CANDY!
You know what? Let’s look at the book. It says Ernie found some of his marbles. If you ask me, he lost those marbles years ago and finding them in a raccoon’s hat isn’t going to bring them back. That guy had WAY too much fun with the rubber ducky, with or without his marbles.
Plus, I bet that crap is SUPER dusty.
Look. We have marbles up here just like Ernie. Are you? Are you seriously putting those marbles in your mouth?
What are you laughing at? Those are pictures of mommy when her boobs didn’t look like socks with tennis balls in them and she couldn’t carry a trapper keeper in the crease between her leg and butt.
Yes, her hair looks funny, mostly because she wasn’t trying to pull it out because of kids trying to eat…damnit!
STOP WITH THE COTTON CANDY.
Let’s look back to the book again. Oh look! Bert found a pigeon feather.
I’m not even going to comment on the disease that probably accompanies that feather or the crazy reason he felt it necessary to save a pigeon feather for years.
Bert may be a little deranged so let’s not pay attention to anything he finds. I’m afraid there are other dead animal parts.
Let’s look back at our attic. What are those? Those are boxes of mommy’s school stuff. Ignore the red writing and all the Cs that are written on the papers. When I was a kid a C was an A and I was an overachiever. Reach for the stars.
Okay, the book is over and Bert and Ernie are dragging all the crap they found down to their house and using it to decorate. You, however, are not allowed to bring anything downstairs.
Me? Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just grabbing one of these old miniskirts. It’s for Daddy.