pantry say about youMatt and I recently visited my parents for the weekend. Their house is always stocked with food, so the first morning I was there I trodded into the kitchen and quietly opened the pantry door.  I wanted to scour for food but also wanted to retrieve the no bake cookies I hid there yesterday.  (They were delicious.)

I stood there munching on my hidden gems, hiding from everyone else, and couldn’t help but look around at what was on the shelves.  I was pretty shocked at what I found.  Here’s a breakdown.

And please note, these are ALL photos from their pantry.  Every.  Last.  Strange.  One.

1.  Three shelves of liquor

Okay, they weren’t full shelves of liquor, but there were three partial shelves of alcohol goodness.  How many shelves were taken up by cereal and fiber items?   One.  However, I don’t think this is a bad thing. It just demonstrates my parents are always ready to entertain and are great party hosts.

This was perfectly acceptable.

2.  Six flasks

This was a bit more concerning, as they are the only two people who reside in their home.  This large quantity of flasks is a bit more difficult to explain, unless they host parties where they encourage guests to hide their drinks. Maybe they are speakeasy themed parties.

That has to be the reason. It’s the only logical explanation.

Were they really using the flasks to sneak liquor into places?  Maybe, but then again, how many times do you need to smuggle in enough liquor for 3 times the number the amount a normal person would need?

Soooo many places are buzz kills and don’t allow you to bring in liquor, so you have to hide it like teenagers going to prom. And maybe my parents wouldn’t have to smuggle in liquor if the establishments would sell enough for either one or two times your body weight.

Maybe I could get on board with this finding.

3.  One large Ziploc bag of mini bottles of liquor

I suppose this is a backup in case the six flasks of liquor are discovered in a strip search while going to the local cinema. I suppose it’s good to have an alternate plan.

I can say one thing about these people… they’re prepared.  (And may also need to be placed on a liver transplant list more as a precautionary measure.)

4.  Two fans

Fans in the kitchen closet is not what I expected to see. Normally fans are stored in a basement or hall closet.  Not at the casa de mi parents. Those fans are stored in the kitchen cupboard.

Sadly, this makes sense to me.  If they are consuming three shelves of liquor, they’re probably hot.  They need a fan and can’t be expected to share, so a fan for each of them makes sense.

And why would they keep the fans in the basement? That would be too much work to go to the basement after kicking back some cocktails. It’s just asking for an injury. Come on. They’re my parents so you have to assume they’re at least a little accident prone.

This is exactly why the fans are stored with the liquor. I’m actually kind of disturbed that I’m so easily able to follow their logic.

5.  Ten boxes of Jell-0 mix

jello

This isn’t as strange as the other items at first glance but I looked closer. What I noticed were the flavors. Notice anything? That’s right. THEY’RE ALL LIQUOR FLAVORS! There’s margarita, daiquiri and pina colada Jell-o all right there next to the Progresso.

I didn’t know they even made these flavors of Jell-o, but why do my parents have these flavors, and why is there no pudding? Didn’t they know the Jell-o brand also made pudding?

I felt I owed it to my parents to ask about the flavors (and also to see if they had pudding). I assure you that my mom responded with the following after being asked why she had alcohol flavored Jell-o.

Because everyone loves Jell-o shots.”

She said it as if I was a complete moron for asking such a ridiculous question.  As if I was the one with a cabinet full of fans and liquor.  And yet, she had a point.  Who doesn’t love a Jell-o shot?  No one.  That’s who.

Maybe my parents are on to something.

6.  Six containers of peanut butter

JifBefore I go any further, allow me to assure you this peanut butter was in no way laced with liquor.  I checked.

Once again I had to question my mom on the need for such a large quantity of peanut butter and the varying brands.  I could tell she wa growing tired of my questions, but she responded that the generic peanut butter was “for the birds.”

I had to clarify if she meant the peanut butter tasted bad, or if it was  literally “for the birds.”  Apparently the answer was both.  It tasted bad and my mom “wasn’t going to give the birds the name-brand peanut butter.”  (Another direct quote.)

This was said as one of her dogs walked by in a hand-stitched doggie sweater.  I.  Sh*t.  You.  Not.

So in actuality, the two generic peanut butter containers were for the birds, and the two large Jif containers were for them.  The small snack size peanut butter containers were for when a small snack was needed.  I suspect it’s because a bag of almonds couldn’t fit in one’s purse when it was filled with flasks and Jell-o shots.

At this point, I stopped looking at items in the pantry.  It wasn’t so much because there weren’t other strange things on the shelves, but more because I was out of cookies and wanted to find some pudding.

 

Yup.  That’s right!  It’s another Tuesday and another Tinder photo that I mock relentlessly.  This week’s guy isn’t a d-bag like other weeks.  Quite the opposite.  I doubt he’s ever even been with a woman.

9th tinder tuesdayYeah.  This guy has a lot to give, but NOT that angel figurine set in the background.  He will cut you with his multi-functional pocket knife if you even try to touch those.

Week 9 of Tinder TuesdaysI’m not sure if that’s a family of angels, but one thing’s for certain; they’re this guy’s friends.  He most likely tells them about his day and about his wildest dreams; of actually talking to that girl at the comic book store.  (It’s never going to happen.)

It appears as if the angels have given birth to a baby angel and it’s colorful.  I’m not sure how all white angels can spawn a multicolored angel, but it appears as if that’s exactly what happened.  I’m also not sure if angels get freaky, but if they do, I bet this guy watches.

The good news about this guy is that he’s capable of being fancy.  He has a top hat on the top shelf because…where else would it go?

This guy clearly knows fancy.  I can’t imagine where he would wear this top hat, but I suspect it’s to Comic Con when he dresses up like the old school penguin from Batman.  Either that, or he wears only the top hat while he dances around the apartment singing “Tea for Two” while swinging a baton.

Sitting next to the top hat is an example of his epic failure.  A ship.  A ship he couldn’t get into a goddamned bottle no matter how hard he tried.  He keeps it there to remind himself of the worthless piece of crap he’s become.

But at least he’s sentimental.  On the wall he has the dead flowers he sent to his high school crush.  She sent them back to him, probably because they were accompanied by a note that said “I see your every move.”

He keeps them as a momento.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysHe also likes artwork, as evidenced by the odd picture hanging on the wall.  I suspect it’s a paint-by-number painting that he did while he was in the hospital on a psych hold.  I don’t know for what.  I just suspect it was for something creepy.

This guy is no stranger to eating frozen dinners while watching “Wheel of Fortune” in his boxers.  He’s able to make this happen because of the TV trays that are leaned up against the wall.  There are more than one in case his mom wants to join him.

He’s also got a soft side too.  Pleae note the multicolored bear in the bottom corner.  That bear is sitting on a rocking chair, you know, so he’ll be comfortable.  Fortunately, the bear is in its favorite sweater, so you know he’s comfy.  I suspect this guy knitted it just for him.

Sitting next to the creepy bear is a small candle that’s probably been there since 1995.  I can practically see the dust on it.

Next to that candle is some sort of stuffed animal that is going to haunt my nightmares.  The face on it looks terrified, and it’s terrifying.

Come to think of it, it’s probably terrified by the guy’s outfit.  I’m not sure if it’s a sweater or a sweatshirt that he’s wearing, but I am sure that he got it at Goodwill when he went there shopping for a new couch.

He also rocks those mom jeans.  He obviously didn’t realize he stumbled into the women’s section of the store and he couldn’t turn down sweet denim for $3.99.  Unfortunately, it looks like he forgot his braided belt.  It’s the only thing that would make his ensemble complete.

All things said, he seems like he might actually be a good guy.  He’s holding his hand out like he wants to take it and walk into the sunset with the woman of his dreams.  Either that, or he would like to tango with someone.

He’s been practicing with his mom.

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OTHER PLACES I’M ON THE WEB THIS WEEK

17 Life Lessons I Learned From ‘Breaking Bad’

Washington RedskinsMike Ditka has been in the news recently for his statements regarding The Washington Redskins.  He believes the team should continue to go by that name despite its trademark being revoked by The United States Trademark and Patent Office.  The Patent office cites the name as disparaging to Native Americans.  Mike Ditka disagrees.

I don’t have a feeling about this decision one way or the other.  I don’t live in Washington and I don’t follow the NFL.

Many Redskins fans, however, will undoubtedly be upset about the ruling.  However, there’s a silver lining in all of this; the Redskins will most likely have to change their uniforms and logo.

Here’s to hoping they don’t choose the ugliest color combinations possible.  Oh wait, they already did that.

Since the Redskins are without a name and mascot, I took it upon myself to come up with a few options.  Hopefully Washington will choose one of these and send me tickets to their opening game.

The Washington Snow Plows:  “We’ll roll over your defense”

photo credit: nolnet via photopin cc

The Washington Trees:  “We’ll never leaf a man unguarded”

photo credit: sachman75 via photopin cc

The George Washingtons:  “We chop down the competition just like a cherry tree”

photo credit: Dunechaser via photopin cc

The Washington Lattes:  “We’re hyped up on caffeine from Starbucks and can go the distance”

photo credit: el patojo via photopin cc

The Washington Fillabusters: “We’ll stall and run out the clock”

photo credit: wwarby via photopin cc

photo credit: wwarby via photopin cc

Washington Nirvana:  “We love all of our fans, but the ones with Teen Spririt are the best.  Wait.  Nevermind.”

It’s Tinder Tuesday, which means another edition of mercilessly mocking someone on the dating site, Tinder.  Here’s this week’s candidate.

Tinder Tuesday guy with lighthouses

I think we can all agree this guy works out and has a great body.  We can also agree that the tattoo across his stomach looks like it says “dick.”  I really hope it does.

I can’t make out what the rest of his tattoos are but it looks like the one on his upper arm is a paisley print, which probably goes well with his sleeveless t-shirts he wears to the gym.  You know the ones—the ones he cuts the sleeves off himself and cuts a “v” in the collar so it looks like a Polo shirt.

Not.  Fooling.  Anybody.

Week 8 of Tinder TuesdaysHe appears to be in his backyard, which I like to believe he calls his “oasis.”  However, it doesn’t look like he’s much of a green thumb, as the hanging flower baskets are completely barren.  Maybe he killed them just like he killed the ab machine at the gym this morning.

One thing we do know about him though; homeboy loves his lighthouses.  It’s not like he just has one.  He likes to surround himself with different colored lighthouses, perhaps as a reminder that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel of love…or that he’s afraid of the dark and lighthouses make great night lights.

Although he may not be great with potted plants, he appears to love animals—or at least plastic ones.  From butterflies to pink flamingos, this guy likes his garden colorful, even if it can’t be with flowers.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysHis love of pinks doesn’t stop at those flamingos; it extends to the cushions on his porch swing as well.  Of all the colors he could have selected, he chose a soft pink floral print…perhaps to match the pink flamingos.

Looking to his face we see that he has on both sunglasses and a hat.  Obviously he’s worried about protecting his face from the sunshine, although he’s fine with the sun blasting his pecs.

That hat is…interesting.  I’m disappointed it’s a different pattern of plaid than his shorts.  I expected more from him, especially since he matched his cushions so nicely with his yard ornaments.

The only thing I can draw from the fact he’s wearing a hat that doesn’t match his shorts is that he’s wearing the hat for one reason; he’s bald.

The good news is, at least so says his bio, that you can grab a beverage with him and find out!

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Wanna find me other places on the web this week?

Check out what should really be on your back-to-school shopping list.  (Hint:  Alcohol is one of the things.)

Wanna make your kids sign contracts to agree to do (and not do) things when they return to school?  Here’s my prototype.

Top 9 Life Lessons I Learned From “Clueless”

 

Why you shouldn't watch theEveryone is all a titter about the many “50 Shades of Grey” trailers and teasers.  People are getting their panties in a wad, and then promptly throwing them on the floor.

The trailers are intended to make us salivate for the new movie, but all some of them do do is remind us why we hate car commercials and bad song remakes.

Click here to see it.  Think twice.  Seriously.

The entire trailer is set to a version of “Wicked Game” that will make you want to poke your eyes out, which is just as good, because then you wouldn’t have to watch the rest of the teaser.

Most of it is varying shots of expensive items like watches and cars.  It looks like a commercial for cheap cologne where the horrible stench actually permeates your screen and punches you in the face.

Come to think of it, you deserve that punch if you continue watching this trailer for more than a minute.

In this specific trailer there are numerous close-up shots of a sports car, which makes you think it’s a car commercial, but then you realize those have more excitement than this trailer brings.

The few shots of the actors are often blurry, which is probably for the best, as they reveal absolutely nothing about the plot.

If I hadn’t subjected myself to reading this poorly written book, I’d have no idea what the movie was about.

Come to think of it, that’s probably why it’s done this way.  I don’t know how else they would convey “This book was pure sh*t” better than making a trailer promoting expensive items and luxury.

With that said, will I go see the movie?  Duh.

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Where else I’m on the web this week

Want to see a real back-to-school shopping list that’s way more accurate?  This is what you should buy this year.

Robin Williams’ suicide inspired me to talk about the suicide attempt I’ve never discussed

Your favorite PSAs from the 90s!

A serious piece about the Michael Brown Shootings and Ferguson Riots

It’s time for Tinder Tuesday and this week I’m going back to a male candidate.  Actually, I may have gone back to a male candidate last week, as that candidate’s gender was less than clear.

Either way, let’s get to the good stuff…and since there’s no good stuff, let’s just get to the photo.

Gus for Tinder Tuesday

It’s a lot to take in, huh?  You can practically hear the creepy kids’ music coming from that van in the background.  Even though it’s not painted like an ice cream truck, I’ve got a quarter that says this guy drives that truck around trying to sell sno cones to little boys.

We can’t tell for sure if it’s an ice cream truck but what we can  tell from this photo is that this week’s candidate is not the best driver.  You can see the dents on the side of the van where he either ran over a child’s father or an unwilling woman resisted being gagged and dragged into the love mobile.

Her resistance was futile.

I also note there’s a worn out path on the ground from his creeper-van to what I can only imagine is this guy’s favorite park.  I’m not saying he takes kids from that park and brings them to his van, but….wait.  Nope.  That’s totally what I’m saying.  That’s why there’s such a worn path there.

Looking to the actual candidate, we see he can’t be bothered with a shirt.  Something tells me he also couldn’t be bothered with deodorant.

Week 7 of Tinder TuesdaysThe good news is that since he’s not wearing a shirt we can see his hairless chest.  I can’t tell if it’s waxed or shaved but one thing’s for sure; he knows hair holds DNA and he wants to eliminate as much as possible.

He also clearly knows the art of seduction, as his sexy pose tells us he’s down to party.  The rash above his junk tells us he’s already partied with most of the strippers at the local establishments.

Perhaps he should get some ointment and store it in that van.

Thankfully he’s wearing a belt, although it looks like that belt is missing a buckle.  I suspect it may have been ripped off in the throes of passion…or in an attempt to escape.  Either/or.

Our guy might pay close attention to the kids at the park but it doesn’t look like he pays attention to the weather.  The reflection in the van’s windows show there are no leaves on the tree, or at least there’s no leaves on that tree.  Perhaps it shuddered them off once it saw Romeo sans shirt.

This photo doesn’t show this candidate’s footwear but there’s no way he isn’t wearing cowboy boots.  No fricking way.  Yee-haw.

So if you’re looking for a creepy guy with a rash, bad B.O. and a stalker van, this guy is probably your man.  I bet you can find him near the local playground after school.  But don’t be fooled, he DOES NOT have ice cream.

funny crap my husband says, August 2014I’m not even going to pretend this time that you guys are here to read my writing.  I’ve finally accepted that the real reason my blog stays in business (albiet making no money) is because of the funny crap my husband says.  I really need to trademark this $hit.

This month I have so many that I’ve actually had to hold some back for next month, which is just downright ridiculous.  It’s also a teaser for next month.

Let’s just get this party started.

Television Producer

Matt:  “That relationship is destined to end in a murder-suicide.  When it’s on Dateline it can be called “Murder-suey in St. Louie.”

Humble Servant

Lisa:  “You were right about this ONE thing.  Big deal.  A broken clock is right twice a day.”

Matt:  “Yeah.  And this broken clock was right today.”

This was the item he was right about.  Look at him.  Pure.  Joy.

This was the item he was right about. Look at him. Pure. Joy.

Butter Fingers

<sound of microwave turntable moving in the other room>

Matt:  “It’s ok.  I’m fine.  Don’t worry.”

Lisa:  “I knew what that sound was and I knew you were fine.”

Matt:  “Fortunately I was.  But I could have gotten a bruise that would have lasted for days.”

Employee of the Month

Matt:  “Isn’t that why we all have full time jobs?  So we can print stuff for free?”

Green Thumb

Matt:  “We should go sit outside for lunch and take Shady Jack.”

Lisa:  “That sounds good.  Where do you want to go?”

Matt:  “I don’t know.  I plant the seed of knowledge and you have to water it.”

Celebrating our birthdays that are three days apart.  We ate so much food.  So.  Much.  Food.

Celebrating our birthdays that are three days apart. We ate so much food. So. Much. Food.

Bladder of Steel

Matt:  “You go ahead and get in the pool.  I have to go to the bathroom.”

Lisa:  “Ok.”

Matt:  “Nah.  I’ll just pee in the pool.”

Reasonably Flexible

Lisa:  “Why don’t you just do it this way?  Your way doesn’t make any sense.”

Matt:  “This conversation doesn’t make any sense.”

Mechanical Engineer

Lisa:  “My seatbelt is stuck.  I can’t get it.”

Matt:  “Stop pulling on it and it will work.”

Lisa:  “Ok.  You do it.”

<Matt can’t get it unstuck>

Matt:  “I don’t know why you have to break things.”

Renaissance Man

<laying in bed and pointing to the window next to the bed>

Matt:  “Hey.  I opened up this window with my foot.  Are you impressed?”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my husband.  And yes, I married him because he could open a window with his foot.

<swoon>

Which one was your favorite?

Lisa and Matt at Hooers

Tinder Tuesday is back this week and the estrogen is flowing!  This is the second female I’ve featured and I’m loving it.  After all, I’m an equal opportunity mocker.

Let’s get to it, shall we?  This week’s candidate doesn’t show her face so I don’t even have to worry about trying to black it out.  Apparently she thinks looks don’t matter…which probably means she’s ugly.  Here she is showing off her biggest assets.  Emphasis on “ass”…and tits.

Tinder Tuesday photo for 8-5

I’m not much of a fashionista but something tells me this outfit isn’t “Casual Friday” appropriate.  Come to think of it, I can’t imagine anywhere it’s appropriate, except, of course, posing for a selfie in one’s bedroom.

I can’t tell if it was a full body suit that a rabid cat shredded, or if she took a pair of scissors to it herself.  Part of it looks like it could be a swimming suit, although I suspect the pants aren’t aerodynamic.

Is she wearing underwear with this?  I suspect not, although if her underwear is as tattered as her outfit, she may be hiding those somewhere.

And is that a tapered leg pant?  Doesn’t she know those are soooo last season?

I’m no sure why she couldn’t just take a selfie without using a mirror, but perhaps she doesn’t have a smart phone.  Something tells me this chic isn’t the brightest bulb, which is funny, because her camera didn’t even use a flash, so that bulb isn’t very bright either.

Speaking of that mirror, it confuses me because it doesn’t look like there’s a bottom to it.  It’s like the damn Chronicles of Narnia up in there.

Looking up to her pits I see a problem.  A lot of problems.  It looks like this woman spent all of her time shimmying into this pink number and neglected to shave her pits….ever.

I love that her “about” section doesn’t say anything about her.  Instead, it says she’s “new the site just checking it out.”  Apparently this pink goddess isn’t a fan of capitalization, or grammar.

Fortunately, we can deduce from the background that she loves quilts made out of old t-shirts.  Something tells me those shirts are from one-night-stands; from the guys who never called her again.  I can imagine her pillaging through the men’s dirty laundry while they’re asleep, all the while trying to find a memento of their night together.  That is….other than the $20 they slipped her for “services rendered.”

And let’s look at those shoes.  They’re…interesing.  I can’t tell if that’s a hair scrunchie at the top of her heels or if that’s part of the shoe.

Either way, nothing says classy like fringe coupled with a shredded unitard.

Week 6 of Tinder Tuesdays

ninja momChildrens’ books are often annoying and ridiculous; especially when read five times every night. Every.  Fricking.  Night.

So in order to help us to cope with these obnoxious tales, Nicole Leigh Shaw of Ninja Mom Blog has a Character Assassination Carousel over at http://www.ninjamomblog.com/ that makes it all better.  It’s a monthly murder of a children’s book by mockery.  Don’t worry, it’s a clean kill, so there’s no messy clean up.

Each month a new assassin takes his/her best shot at a ridiculous children’s book.  Last month Social Butterfly Mom mocked “Yankee Doodle” and did an excellent job.  You can find it here. http://www.chicagonow.com/social-butterfly-mom/2014/07/character-assassination-carousel-yankee-doodle/

This month, I’m mocking “Whats Up In The Attic?”

Yeah, I know.  There’s a lot of material so let’s get started

 

maybe we don't want to know...We all know Bert and Ernie from their rubber ducky antics in the bathtub. Unfortunately, that’s not the way anyone wants to become famous, but them’s the breaks.  When you’re so obsessed with a rubber toy that you make a song out of it, you’re bound to turn some heads.

Many of those heads simply turn away because they don’t like seeing a puppet in a bathtub.

Looking back through the other assassinated books from The Carousel, I noticed Bert and Ernie and their bathing fetish weren’t represented adequately.

I’ve decided to right that wrong by making this month’s assassinated characters the infamous Bert and Ernie themselves (sans bubbles).

I chose “What’s Up In The Attic?” as the book I’m going to brutally rip apart this week.  There are many reasons I chose this literary wonder, but mostly because it makes it so easy to make this next joke about Bert and Ernie:

Why are you guys looking at what’s in the attic? Shouldn’t you guys be looking in the closet?

BOOM!  Yes, I picked this book solely to make that joke, but it was worth it.  Totally.  Worth.  It.

This assassination is done by the mother reading the book to her kids, so it’s told from her point of view.  Fortunately for you, you can enjoy it without the smell of moth balls assaulting your nostrils.

Enjoy!

You guys need to find something to do today because it’s a rainy day and you’re driving me nuts.  Yes, the cable is out because of the storm (or because I forgot to pay the bill.  Both are equally logical explanations).

Regardless, you need to make your own adventure today, but not in a way that destroys my living room.

Because I need to get something from the attic, and because I want to wear you guys out, I’ll take you with me. I know reading this book to you isn’t going to tire you sufficiently, so let’s go up to our attic and see what we can find there.

We’ll read the book as we go.  Just don’t touch anything, and please, for the love of God, don’t put anything in your mouths.  Got it?

“What’s that in this box?” you ask.  It’s a box of mommy’s skimpy bar-hopping clothes from before she had kids…or inhibitions.  These short skirts helped mommy pay for college because she always drank for free at the clubs.

Oddly enough, these clothes directly contributed to your arrival on this earth.

Those?  Those are Daddy’s magazines that Mommy won’t let him look at.  He doesn’t want to part with them so Mommy pretends not to know he has them up here.  Let’s keep that a secret.

Yes, there’s an old crusty t-shirt in with those magazines. Don’t ask and DON’T touch it.

Be careful of what else is up here: Spiders. A shit ton of spiders. Don’t try to befriend them. Some of them are mean and none of them are as nice as Charlotte from “Charlotte’s Web.”

Wait. What are you—did I not just tell you to stay away from them? And those are spider webs not cotton candy. Get down from there. Jesus!

Oh that? That’s mommy’s stash of candy that she keeps away from everyone. Oh shit. Yes, that is cotton candy but it’s not yours.

That pink stuff on the ground?  That’s insulation, at least a little bit of it. Daddy needs to get on this project and add a lot more up here.  Mommy has been telling him to do it for a year.  This fluffy pink stuff that’s super thin is why mommy doesn’t let you open the door during when the air conditioning is on.

Are you—-are you seriously trying to eat the insulation? It’s not cotton candy! NOTHING UP HERE IS COTTON CANDY!

You know what?  Let’s look at the book.  It says Ernie found some of his marbles.  If you ask me, he lost those marbles years ago and finding them in a raccoon’s hat isn’t going to bring them back.  That guy had WAY too much fun with the rubber ducky, with or without his marbles.

photo credit: buckofive via photopin cc

photo credit: buckofive via photopin cc

Plus, I bet that crap is SUPER dusty.

Look.  We have marbles up here just like Ernie.  Are you?  Are you seriously putting those marbles in your mouth?

What are you laughing at?  Those are pictures of mommy when her boobs didn’t look like socks with tennis balls in them and she couldn’t carry a trapper keeper in the crease between her leg and butt.

Yes, her hair looks funny, mostly because she wasn’t trying to pull it out because of kids trying to eat…damnit!

STOP WITH THE COTTON CANDY.

Let’s look back to the book again.  Oh look! Bert found a pigeon feather.

I’m not even going to comment on the disease that probably accompanies that feather or the crazy reason he felt it necessary to save a pigeon feather for years.

Bert may be a little deranged so let’s not pay attention to anything he finds.  I’m afraid there are other dead animal parts.

Let’s look back at our attic.  What are those?  Those are boxes of mommy’s school stuff. Ignore the red writing and all the Cs that are written on the papers. When I was a kid a C was an A and I was an overachiever. Reach for the stars.

Okay, the book is over and Bert and Ernie are dragging all the crap they found down to their house and using it to decorate.  You, however, are not allowed to bring anything downstairs.

Me?  Oh, don’t mind me.  I’m just grabbing one of these old miniskirts.  It’s for Daddy.