Tinder Tuesdays: 5th Edition

written by Lisa Newlin on July 29, 2014 in Tinder Tuesday with 11 comments

Can you believe it’s already Tuesday?  It snuck up quickly on me, which is funny, because this week’s Tinder Tuesday candidate looks like that’s exactly what she would do…or rather, what someone did to her.

Yes, this week’s Tinder Tuesday candidate is a her.  Fortunately I have some awesome readers who are willing to send in candidates for my <ahem> analysis.  This week’s inaugural female Tinder candidate will not disappoint.  In fact, she’s got a little something more than most other candidates….

Pregnant Tinder

What’s that something more that she has?  A baby.  It’s a fricking baby.

I know what you’re thinking…this photo is the MOTHERLOAD!

So many places to start, but I’m going to look to her philosophy on life first.  At the bottom you will see what she says about herself.  “Life’s a garden…DIG IT!”  I’m not sure if that’s truly her philosophy, but one thing is for sure: she knows how to hoe (it up).

Who tries to catch a man when she’s in her last trimester?  Perhaps she doesn’t understand the “tri” means “third” and not “try to find a baby-daddy.” Perhaps she’s hoping she can meet someone in time to get in on his HMO.  After all, having a baby isn’t cheap.

Looking up to her face we notice she couldn’t be bothered to put on makeup.  Perhaps she prefers au naturale when it comes to makeup.  If that’s the case, I hate to know if she continues that theory when it comes to her bikini line.

It also appears as if her hair is wet, which suggests good hygiene.  Either that, or she goes a litle crazy with the Dep hairgel. Either way is fine with me.

What I don’t see on her fingers are any rings.  If she’s on a dating site I would expect her not to have on a wedding ring, but her lack of rings here makes me wonder if she’s married but her fingers are just too swollen for jewelry.

I also suspect this may not be her first bundle of joy.  To the right there’s a stroller with things on it.  Something tells me this wasn’t just given to her at a baby shower thrown at the local the country club.  Rather, this stroller has some wear and tear from a few love nuggets before the newest batch.

I also can’t help but notice that it looks like she’s in her childhood bedroom at her mom’s house.  There’s old-school furniture and nothing about this scene says “This is my own place but I chose to decorate it like a teenager.” If she did live somewhere other than her mom’s house, why would she have her TV, 1990s computer AND her stroller all within a foot of each other?

And let’s address that TV, shall we? I want to say it’s a TV/VCR combo but that would be too perfect.  It looks like she has a stellar collection of DVDs, so perhaps she’s stepped out of the 80s when it comes to electronics.  I can’t see what movies she owns but I suspect there’s a copy of “Knocked Up” in there somewhere.

Next to the TV cart is a large cardboard box.  I can only assume this is already filled with the necessities she would need to move into your place…after your second date.  After all, it’s clear this chick moves fast.

Looking to the right there’s a collection of odd glass statues sitting on two shelves.  I’m telling myself they’re not random glass bongs, but not doing a good job of convincing myself of that.

On top of the hutch there’s what appears to be a Pogo Ball from the 80s.  Yes, I just referenced a Pogo Ball.  Maybe that’s not it but if it is, I might track this chick down just to borrow it.  I bet I could find her in the maternity ward.

And let us not forget the dirty underwear strewn behind her.  As if we needed reminding that she readily takes those things off.

Okay, I think that’s it for this week.  After all, this chick has already taken a pounding.  Oh, and she’s been mocked here too.

Did I miss anything?  Let me know!

Week 5 of Tinder Tuesdays

GUESS WHERE I’M PUBLISHED THIS WEEK?!  SCARYMOMMY.COM

Check out my post about how water parks are just like bars.