This photo won’t disappoint.
From sequins to body hair to inappropriate floating devices, this week’s photo might just be my favorite one so far. I’ve also decided that for this week only I’m going to post the picture. I think I’ve done enough editing out to protect the real person’s identity, although I can’t imagine he isn’t well-known wherever he goes.
Either way, enjoy this week’s edition. Please also feel free to send me money, candy, or any other birthday gifts you deem appropriate.
This guy is clearly festive, which is why I chose this as my birthday photo. Check out his sequined banana hammock. Nothing says “I know how to please a woman sexually” quite like gold sequined Speedos, although I doubt those are Speedo brand. He doesn’t strike me as the kind of guy who would go all out for expensive items.
I mean, he clearly can’t invest in a razor for his man-palace.
This brings me to the second part of the photo I’d like to address. What the hell is going on in his genital region? Believe me, I don’t want to look there but my eyes can’t help but be drawn to the explosion of hair fighting to escape the sequined thong.
I suspect he had a hard time shoving all of it into those bikini bottoms and the visible hair is what wouldn’t fit. If you look closely it appears as if part of his junk is actually exposed, although we can’t be certain as its covered by bushes and debris.
Homeboy could use a hedge trimmer.
What makes this even more confusing is the fact that he knows how to groom himself, as his facial hair is…interesting. For starters, it’s perfectly manicured into two bushes on either side of his face, separated by a strip of skin. It’s what I can only assume is a landing strip of pleasure. It’s like a backward version of a Brazilian.
The can in his hand tells me he knows how to party. Is it a manly beer? Pft! Of course not. It’s Margarita in a can…just like all the real men drink.
This margarita tells me he knows how to party, but is too lazy to make a batch himself (although I’m sure he’s made many batches of his own special sauce…if you know what I’m saying.)
Looking to the bottom left of the photo, I see floral cushions mimicking those from the set of “The Golden Girls.” I suspect they may actually be from the 80s. I also suspect they’ve seen more action than Blanche Deveraux, and probably have just as many STDs.
Mixed in with the cushions is what appears to be a giant inflatable wiener. I’m not sure I know what to say about this. It’s a giant inflatable wiener. Nuff said.
As if an inflatable wiener amongst floral cushions isn’t odd enough…there’s an Asian umbrella. Quite honestly, I expected to see an Asian umbrella in this photo, but I thought it would be in Mr. Love’s drink. No such luck.
Maybe the umbrella means he cares about protection…or he likes tea at high noon.
And what kind of vessel is he riding? (I bet his pick up line would be something about how you should “ride his vessel.”) It looks like he’s on a barge or large dock of some sort.
What’s particularly interesting is the fact that there is a pool on the vessel. I’m not sure why he would need a body of water on top of another body of water.
The only logical conclusion is that he sweats profusely and likes to be near water to cool off and let his chest hair flow with the water.
It also looks like there’s a pole in the background to the right. I can’t tell what’s flying from it but one thing’s for sure: it’s his freak flag.
What’s also funny is the fact there are people in the background who don’t seem surprised or shocked that a sweaty and hairy beast in a sequined thong is drinking a can of margaritas.
I’m not sure what kind of party this is and I can’t decide if I want to be invited.
I bet there’s crabs in the water.