Tinder TuesdaysI’ve decided to start a new segment on my blog.  Tinder Tuesdays will highlight a different photo on Tinder each week with an analysis of what’s really going on in the photo.

Trust me.  There are some doozies.

For those of you happily married (or not so happily) and those who don’t know what it is,  Tinder is a free app you can download on your phone.  It shows you profiles of possible people in your geographic area you could meet and date.

It touts itself as a dating app but it’s really just the electronic version of a booty call.

I’m glad they didn’t have this when I was single.

I didn’t know anything about Tinder and neither did my husband…or so he claims.  Fortunately, I have single friends to alert me to new technology like this; and like the Google Maps app that tells you directions out loud.  Who knew that existed?

My friend The Nudist (not her real name), told me about this app recently and I thought it was too good to be true.  Since seeing is believing, she showed me the app on her phone and let me scroll through and play a little.

Pick of the week-Tinder TuesdaysYou set up a profile with a photo of yourself and perhaps a few words about you, although most profiles I saw didn’t have anything other than a photo and their name.

You scroll through photos and with each one you decide if you want to keep them or if you want to dump them.  If you keep them and they keep you, then you can interact with each other through the app.

If you dump them then they will never show up in your feed again.  If only I could have been so lucky with people I dumped when I was single.

One night The Nudist and I were having one of our “patio chats,” which is really an excuse to sit on my patio at night and drink.  She brought up Tinder and asked if I wanted to check it out.

Um, yes please.

I began scrolling through photos of men and the power of knowing I could keep them or trash them was empowering.  Some of the men weren’t bad but some of them were positively horrible.

Because I’m always thinking of my readers, I decided to introduce you to a real person on Tinder each week so you can enjoy the fun of the most ridiculous and superficial app ever invented.

Since it’s July 4th weekend, I thought I’d start things off with a patriotic pic.  However, since I don’t want to get sued for copyright infringement, I can’t post the actual picture.  But don’t worry.  I did something just as good.  I drew an exact replica of it.  I’m a really good artist so you won’t even be able to tell the difference.

drawing of America Tinder guy

At first glance, I see what everyone else sees; a douchebag.  Oh, and the American flag.  He’s enveloped himself in it.  I’m not sure if he is doing this to show he’s enveloped in the freedom America brings, or if he’s doing it to keep his nipples from hardening from the cold temperatures.

Either way, this guy either (1) bought this flag specifically for this photo shoot, (2) borrowed it from a friend or (3) already owns this gigantic flag that is most likely wider than whatever shack he lives in.

If he borrowed it from a friend, I hope the friend knew what he was using it for.  Either way, I wouldn’t want that flag back.

Please also note he’s in some sort of wooded area, which I suspect is where he buries the bodies of his suitors once he’s done with them.  I’m also confident that posing naked in a park violates some sort of local ordinance.  Where’s a park ranger when you need one?

Nudity in a park will also make you a sex offender, but I suspect he’s not worried about that.  Once you’re on the list it stays with you no matter what you do.

As if you hadn’t noticed, he is naked but for his death grip on his manly parts.  He is expertly holding that area, which is probably because his hands spend a lot of time down there.  I’m not sure why he felt the need to be naked in this photo other than to show off his sweet pecs and tit tattoo.  I can’t see what the tattoo is but for some reason I think it’s a dragon eating a unicorn JUST. TO. WATCH. IT. DIE.

Prying my eyes away from his banging body, looking up to his face, I see a mass of a beard.  I can’t tell if it’s well groomed but I’m certain it smells like B.O. and cheap whiskey.  Of course, not all men with bushy beards smell like sweat, but since he’s naked outside, I can only assume he perspires like a sonofabitch and may not make grooming a top priority.

Interestingly, he seems to take care of the bush downstairs, but not so much with the bush on his face.

Looking upward to his hat, I’m completely confused as to why he chose the hat he did.  Personally, there’s nothing more patriotic than a naked man in boots wrapped in a flag with a cowboy hat on.  I guess 3 out of 4 ain’t bad, but it still makes me question his fashion sense.

One of the things I find most enjoyable about this picture is his discarded clothes off to the side on the left.  He went to great pains to make this photo as perfect as possible, yet forgot to move his clothing out of the shot.

It also looks like there’s a black snake looming by his discarded boot.  I’m not sure if that’s a snake that’s out in the wild or if it’s his pet snake he brought from home.  It’s 50/50.

But, there’s one overriding concern about this photo that makes the whole thing terribly creepy.  Someone took that photo.  Someone voluntarily agreed to go into the woods with this man, watch him remove his clothing and envelope himself in the flag.

Since this is such a great photo I can only imagine the photographer also helped him position the flag and made sure his hands fully covered his junk.

I love my friends but naked photos in the woods is where I draw the line.

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Do you have experience with crazy Tinder photos?  A crazy person you met on Tinder.  Tell me!  I will do this segment every week….hopefully my artistic abilities improve.

 

 

38 Thoughts on “The First Edition of Tinder Tuesdays!

  1. I’m off to download this!! How do I find this man? He is my dream.
    Julie DeNeen just rambled about…Poison Ivy, Scabies, and BedBugsMy Profile

    • It’s really fun and we’ve been having a blast with it! It’s the most superficial idea ever and people basically just use it as a way to hook up, especially when they’re out of town on business.

      I seriously couldn’t survive in the dating world now. I’m so glad I trapped Matt into marrying me. I wouldn’t make it in the single world. I would also have a dozen dogs since I wouldn’t have a husband keeping me at a socially acceptable limit.

  2. God bless America this is funny!
    Amy – Funny Is Family just rambled about…My Writing ProcessMy Profile

  3. So glad this is going to be a series!
    Kate just rambled about…A weekend that shouldn’t have endedMy Profile

    • I hope people take to this series because I think it has potential to be pretty darn funny.

      I’m glad you like it. Stay tuned for next week. It involves a man with a turkey leg….

  4. Oh.My.Lordy. And this would help him get a date how? Good point about the photographer. I didn’t even think of that.
    One Funny Motha just rambled about…Childless and Loving ItMy Profile

    • I just can’t imagine him being all “this is really going to pull in the ladies!” Do you think he wanted to be naked and then he thought “no, that’s creepy. But will make it not creepy would be to drape myself in an American flag.

      Or maybe he wanted to do the American flag thing and had clothes on but was like “I just don’t look patriotic enough unless I’m naked.”

  5. OMG. I love you.
    Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying just rambled about…Can You Hear Me Now?My Profile

  6. Scarlett on July 1, 2014 at 4:08 pm said:

    Oh that Nudist. Indeed she has entertained me with the same. Must come for the next auditions!!!!

    • Please come over for the next set of auditions. They’re usually on my patio and alcohol is required. I’ll text you when we do it again. It won’t be until next week because I’m out of town for the holdiay.

  7. Lisa,

    You have done it again. You kill me. I can’t wait until next Tuesday!

    • Thanks Kelly! I’m so glad you enjoyed it. I’m hoping people take to this series because I think it could be really funny.

      And you’re right to look forward to next week’s edition. It involves a turkey leg….

  8. Dona on July 1, 2014 at 8:42 pm said:

    OK. I’m a little older than you and your group, so forgive me. But is that REALLY a picture of a picture that was on an app? Is an app like a website but for a phone? No, seriously, that pic was in a public place where people could SEE it?? If the answer to ANY of these questions is yes, I think I’ve gotten too old. I’m done. Finished. The End.

    But I’ll be back next Tuesday!!

    • I know! Isn’t it crazy that this guy VOLUNTARILY put this out into the webosphere?!

      And yes, this is really a drawing of a picture of a guy on a website program for a phone. I can’t imagine what kind of a guy would say “this is a really good picture and I’m going to get a good girl out of this.”

      Please come back next week. That photo involves food….

  9. I’ve been looking for a new activity to take up while we sit on the porch and drink. This is it. Thank you so very much. Priceless stuff here!
    Brittany just rambled about…When You Buy a Major Fixer UpperMy Profile

    • DO IT! Seeing what people are out there and what they think is appropriate to put as their picture is awesome. It’s endless hours of entertainment.

      I’m working on making it a drinking game.

  10. I was smitten with the hands on his junk. The wooded area was a metaphor. Obviously.
    Stephanie just rambled about…The 10 People You Meet In the HospitalMy Profile

    • I didn’t think about the wooded area being a metaphor but now that you mention it, it’s the only explanation. He is, after all, surrounded by WOODs.

      It’s like we share a brain sometimes.

  11. “I can’t tell if it’s well groomed but I’m certain it smells like B.O. and cheap whiskey.”

    SERIOUSLY??? I heart you.
    Kristen Mae of Abandoning Pretense just rambled about…The Boy Who Loved 4th of July FireworksMy Profile

  12. Just gross. I can’t believe someone would take a pic like that. Maybe it’s a joke? Grody!
    Kate Hall just rambled about…Top 10 Funniest Tweets – June 2014My Profile

  13. Girl, it is 3:32 a.m. in Sacramento. The valley heat (111 degrees on June 30–a California record you don’t wanna break) has taken over. Despite air-conditioning, I am wandering around because I cannot sleep. Reading this post makes me want to stuff a sock in my mouth to keep from laughing and waking up the ‘hood. My hubby is 11 years younger than me, so he is still sleeping. The poor baby needs to get up at 4 a.m. to beat the Rat Race. Your post has taken me back to the days when I was “Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places.” Everyone has a gimmick. Even this Cougar has gimmicks. I celebrated my 7th wedding anniversary last Saturday. Lived with Mister Jack for 7 years before marrying him. His my my SECOND and FINAL husband. It is tough finding a good man in a sea of inmate material. I know. I worked Pelican Bay State Prison as a guard for ten years. How these inmates treat their women is no different from some of the ones that didn’t get caught on the outside of those prison walls. These are ones you’ll find on dating sites if you’re not selective about who you choose to meet up with. My advice? You’ve gotta be very, very careful. Women: Please don’t put yourself in a situation where you will get mentally or physically abused. Or stalked. Don’t become another victim or the subject of local/national news. Anyway, Lisa. Thanks for the memories. As long as you keep me laughing, I’m your fan! Who cares if hubby divorces me and my neighbors hate me for laughing in the wee hours of the morning? I’ve gotta be me!!!
    Arlene Poma just rambled about…Summer Morning and the California DroughtMy Profile

    • I’m glad you’re willing to put my blog before your marriage with your husb and. It’s important to know where your priorities lie. You’re a loyal fan that way.

      Matt is actually my second marriage too and I’m glad I’ll never have to do the dating thing again. Heaven forbid something would happen to him but if it did, I would be single for the rest of my life. I can’t deal with these idiots!

  14. Someone agreed to go to the woods with him! Bahahahaha! That never would have occurred to me. He should just bang that person.
    Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 just rambled about…The Summer of Too Much TVMy Profile

  15. HAHAHA!!! Tinder Tuesday?!? Never heard of it and dear Lord are you trying to get me divorced?!?

    I can only imagine my husband’s face when he sees THAT downloaded on my phone! HA!

    I’ll have to do some ‘splaining up front first…but how funny!!

    You’re a nut. And a hoot! =)
    Carrie just rambled about……and this is why you’ll probably ask yourself later, “Hmmm…why is she posting her resume’?”My Profile

    • I’m so glad you enjoyed this! I’ve been having quite a bit of fun with this app. And don’t ruin your marriage with this app. Just check out my page on Tuesdays and I will do the dirty work for you.

  16. This is awesome! I love the idea of this app. I mean sure, I hope noone gets sex-murdered but that could happen with dudes you meet in a bar, too. I’m sure I would have 57 STDs if I had this when I was single. Still not sure if I’m glad or not…..
    Joy Christi just rambled about…The 2nd Worst Garage Sale Of My LIFEMy Profile

    • I’m confident someone will get sex-murdered from this app. It’s just a matter of time. Until then, people will continue to transmit STDs via app.

      Technology is pretty amazing!

  17. Oh, MY!!! I can see that Tinder is going to be hard to quit if I wander over there. So if there’s a naked, flag wearing man in the woods and no one see him…wait you did mention the photographer. Hilarious and fine artwork.
    Stacey just rambled about…6 Signs You Might be Shopping with a 2nd GraderMy Profile

  18. Pingback: Friday Faves on Thursday - Another Clean Slate

  19. Tuesdays just became my new favorite day of the week.
    Foxy Wine Pocket just rambled about…What Did You Just Call Me, Son?My Profile

  20. Thanks for finally writing about >The First Edition of Tinder Tuesdays!
    – Lisa Newlin – Seriously? <Loved it!
    mp3juice just rambled about…mp3juiceMy Profile

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