This week isn’t someone nearly as patriotic, but last week’s guy set the patriotic bar quite high. What could be more patriotic than a hairy naked man in the woods holding his package while drenched in the American flag?
No one. That’s who.
This week’s available bachelor didn’t venture out for a photo shoot on location. Instead, he took his photo from the comfort of his own bedroom…which is undoubtedly in his mom’s basement.
Since I don’t want to be sued for copyright infringement, I can’t post the actual photo. However, I can post my artistic rendition of the photo, which is pretty much the same thing. Here it is.
Nice, huh? Let’s break this down one train wreck at a time.
First, let’s start with the giant turkey leg hanging out of his mouth. I’m not sure why he thought it necessary to take a selfie of him eating a pound of meat, but alas, he did. Perhaps it’s to show his oral skills, as he’s felating that turkey leg like a boss.
He likes this poultry and the poultry like him back, if you know what I mean.
I can only imagine his thought process when he pondered what photo would best represent him for prospective ladies. Beef? Tuna? Chicken? For whatever reason, he must have discarded those options in favor of a turkey leg. Perhaps what’s most disturbing about all of this is that he made the conscious decision to take a photo of him massacring meat.
This makes me wonder what kind of growth or jacked up grill he must have underneath that turkey leg. My money’s on a raging case of mouth herpes.
Moving down what is most certainly a “fluffy” body, we see that he didn’t deem it appropriate to don a shirt for this photo session. Either he’s a Magnum P.I. fan and wants to show off his hairy chest circa 1982 or he’s a messy eater who doesn’t want to stain his best Co-ed Naked t-shirt.
Honestly, I can respect that since it’s the baseball one that says “If you’re in scoring position, we’ll drive you home.” Classic.
I bet he drives ladies home in his tricked out Chevy Aveo with stained cloth seats and a cassette player.
Moving left we see several large glass jars with pieces of fabric covering them and an elastic band keeping the fabric in place. One thing’s for sure; that guy is resourceful when it comes to storage.
I can’t help but wonder what’s in those glass jars. It appears to be a dark liquid which may be moonshine. It could also be his bodily waste because his mom doesn’t have a bathroom in the basement and he’s too lazy to put on pants and walk upstairs.
Yeah, I’m assuming he isn’t wearing pants. This suspicion is supported by the fact his left hand is nowhere to be seen. I can only assume he’s following in the footsteps of our patriotic friend and is taking his selfies in the nude.
Moving up next to the black and white photographs taped to the wall I have only one thought. WHAT. THE. HELL?
I can’t tell what’s in the photographs but this montage looks like something that would be on the wall of an FBI investigation room, or in the lair of a serial killer. I’m picturing pieces of red yarn creating a web that doesn’t makes sense to anyone but this turkey-lover. Maybe he has a beautiful mind, but the way he’s downing that meat, he probably doesn’t have a beautiful body.
There’s also what appears to be a red stool nearby. It’s the kind that’s typically used for playing the drums…or applying makeup in front of a vanity.
We next move on to his closet, where his door is left open. Hanging there are varying colors of t-shirts. Yes, t-shirts. Not polos or collared shirts, but t-shirts. I suspect in addition to his Co-Ed naked collection there are Big Johnson shirts, Mossimo shirts, BUM Equipment and several Technicolor t-shirts as well. The Technicolor ones are for when he feels fancy and heads to the comic book store for the newest anime video.
What’s particularly disturbing about his closet isn’t the fact that his shirts are evenly spaced on the rack; it’s the stack of items on the shelf. It looks like a series of photo albums, which I suspect are filled with naked pictures of himself doing various ninja moves with a plastic sword he got from Dollar General.
This brings us down to the rolling cart that houses his board games. I don’t see a ouija board but I suspect it’s in there and just out of view. The board games give me hope he has some interaction with the human race, or maybe he just thinks he does.
That about wraps it up for this week’s Tinder Tuesdays. Stay tuned for next week’s edition. I’m not sure what lovely guy will be featured next week but I know he will be awesome because next Tuesday is my birthday and I like to celebrate.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the store and buy a few turkey legs.