I’ve decided to start a new segment on my blog. Tinder Tuesdays will highlight a different photo on Tinder each week with an analysis of what’s really going on in the photo.
Trust me. There are some doozies.
For those of you happily married (or not so happily) and those who don’t know what it is, Tinder is a free app you can download on your phone. It shows you profiles of possible people in your geographic area you could meet and date.
It touts itself as a dating app but it’s really just the electronic version of a booty call.
I’m glad they didn’t have this when I was single.
I didn’t know anything about Tinder and neither did my husband…or so he claims. Fortunately, I have single friends to alert me to new technology like this; and like the Google Maps app that tells you directions out loud. Who knew that existed?
My friend The Nudist (not her real name), told me about this app recently and I thought it was too good to be true. Since seeing is believing, she showed me the app on her phone and let me scroll through and play a little.
You set up a profile with a photo of yourself and perhaps a few words about you, although most profiles I saw didn’t have anything other than a photo and their name.
You scroll through photos and with each one you decide if you want to keep them or if you want to dump them. If you keep them and they keep you, then you can interact with each other through the app.
If you dump them then they will never show up in your feed again. If only I could have been so lucky with people I dumped when I was single.
One night The Nudist and I were having one of our “patio chats,” which is really an excuse to sit on my patio at night and drink. She brought up Tinder and asked if I wanted to check it out.
Um, yes please.
I began scrolling through photos of men and the power of knowing I could keep them or trash them was empowering. Some of the men weren’t bad but some of them were positively horrible.
Because I’m always thinking of my readers, I decided to introduce you to a real person on Tinder each week so you can enjoy the fun of the most ridiculous and superficial app ever invented.
Since it’s July 4th weekend, I thought I’d start things off with a patriotic pic. However, since I don’t want to get sued for copyright infringement, I can’t post the actual picture. But don’t worry. I did something just as good. I drew an exact replica of it. I’m a really good artist so you won’t even be able to tell the difference.
At first glance, I see what everyone else sees; a douchebag. Oh, and the American flag. He’s enveloped himself in it. I’m not sure if he is doing this to show he’s enveloped in the freedom America brings, or if he’s doing it to keep his nipples from hardening from the cold temperatures.
Either way, this guy either (1) bought this flag specifically for this photo shoot, (2) borrowed it from a friend or (3) already owns this gigantic flag that is most likely wider than whatever shack he lives in.
If he borrowed it from a friend, I hope the friend knew what he was using it for. Either way, I wouldn’t want that flag back.
Please also note he’s in some sort of wooded area, which I suspect is where he buries the bodies of his suitors once he’s done with them. I’m also confident that posing naked in a park violates some sort of local ordinance. Where’s a park ranger when you need one?
Nudity in a park will also make you a sex offender, but I suspect he’s not worried about that. Once you’re on the list it stays with you no matter what you do.
As if you hadn’t noticed, he is naked but for his death grip on his manly parts. He is expertly holding that area, which is probably because his hands spend a lot of time down there. I’m not sure why he felt the need to be naked in this photo other than to show off his sweet pecs and tit tattoo. I can’t see what the tattoo is but for some reason I think it’s a dragon eating a unicorn JUST. TO. WATCH. IT. DIE.
Prying my eyes away from his banging body, looking up to his face, I see a mass of a beard. I can’t tell if it’s well groomed but I’m certain it smells like B.O. and cheap whiskey. Of course, not all men with bushy beards smell like sweat, but since he’s naked outside, I can only assume he perspires like a sonofabitch and may not make grooming a top priority.
Interestingly, he seems to take care of the bush downstairs, but not so much with the bush on his face.
Looking upward to his hat, I’m completely confused as to why he chose the hat he did. Personally, there’s nothing more patriotic than a naked man in boots wrapped in a flag with a cowboy hat on. I guess 3 out of 4 ain’t bad, but it still makes me question his fashion sense.
One of the things I find most enjoyable about this picture is his discarded clothes off to the side on the left. He went to great pains to make this photo as perfect as possible, yet forgot to move his clothing out of the shot.
It also looks like there’s a black snake looming by his discarded boot. I’m not sure if that’s a snake that’s out in the wild or if it’s his pet snake he brought from home. It’s 50/50.
But, there’s one overriding concern about this photo that makes the whole thing terribly creepy. Someone took that photo. Someone voluntarily agreed to go into the woods with this man, watch him remove his clothing and envelope himself in the flag.
Since this is such a great photo I can only imagine the photographer also helped him position the flag and made sure his hands fully covered his junk.
I love my friends but naked photos in the woods is where I draw the line.
Do you have experience with crazy Tinder photos? A crazy person you met on Tinder. Tell me! I will do this segment every week….hopefully my artistic abilities improve.