It’s time for everyone’s favorite segment: Funny Crap My Husband Says.
No matter what clever posts I come up with, you guys love these posts the best. Please don’t tell my husband that. I don’t want him to think he’s actually funny.
“Your breath smells bad. It’s like you ate Shitflakes by Smellogg’s.”
“You know that law firm that advertises it represents only men in divorces? They’re one step away from just saying ‘bitches be crazy.'”
Lisa: “You’re a pussy when it comes to drinks.”
Matt: “Yeah. I’ve never claimed otherwise.”
“That vest looks like it’s denim and leather combined. Like a cow f*cked a pair of jeans.”
Matt: “This makes every other bruschetta before this taste like dog shit.“
Lisa: “I’m concerned you know what dog shit tastes like.”
Matt: “I had a life before you.”
“If your immune system was something we bought, I would return it even without the receipt. It’s a lemon.”
“I drank an entire bottle of wine last night and was at the gym at 7am this morning. Hashtag beast.”