Matt in ER

In the hospital one of the times I was there for shingles. He’s probably calculating how much this will cost us.

It’s time for everyone’s favorite segment:  Funny Crap My Husband Says.

No matter what clever posts I come up with, you guys love these posts the best.  Please don’t tell my husband that.  I don’t want him to think he’s actually funny.

Sixth Sense

Your breath smells bad. It’s like you ate Shitflakes by Smellogg’s.”

Advertising Genius

You know that law firm that advertises it represents only men in divorces?  They’re one step away from just saying ‘bitches be crazy.'”

Alcohol Connosseur 

Lisa: “You’re a pussy when it comes to drinks.”
Matt: “Yeah. I’ve never claimed otherwise.”

Thjs puzzle was kicking his ass.

Thjs puzzle was kicking his ass.


That vest looks like it’s denim and leather combined. Like a cow f*cked a pair of jeans.”

Food Critic

Matt: “This makes every other bruschetta before this taste like dog shit.
Lisa: “I’m concerned you know what dog shit tastes like.”
Matt: “I had a life before you.”

Dr. Diagnosis

If your immune system was something we bought, I would return it even without the receipt. It’s a lemon.”


I drank an entire bottle of wine last night and was at the gym at 7am this morning. Hashtag beast.”

23 Thoughts on “Funny Crap My Husband Says: June 2014 Edition


    I love him. I do, I do, I do.

    I knew it at Shiflakes by Smellog’s. But hashtag beast just sealed the deal.

    What a riot!!!

    Carrie just rambled about…A good Daddy will always do what he has to do…even if it means doing it alone.My Profile

  2. Susie on June 9, 2014 at 8:55 pm said:

    Too funny

  3. You two are perfect together. I imagine hanging with you two to be like a swear-riddled Mamet play, zingers flying left and right!!
    jessica just rambled about…Vanishing Lego PrincipleMy Profile

    • Matt loves David Mamet, so we take that as a compliment. I must admit, Matt and I have a really good time together and no one makes me laugh harder than he does. I have no idea how we found each other but I’m glad we did.

  4. He had a life before you but it could not possibly have been as fun….OMG, Lisa, you crack me up!! Hashtag beastoflaughter.
    Christine Burke just rambled about…A Selfish MomMy Profile

  5. Apparently life before you was REALLY bad if he was eating dog shit!
    Kate just rambled about…Around Town: Bye Bye LiverMy Profile

  6. Like a cow f*cked a pair of jeans. LOL I don’t know who thinks like that (aside from your husband apparently) but that is freaking awesome!
    Rhonda just rambled about…George Will: The “Sexual Assault is a Coveted Status” DouchebagMy Profile

  7. Your husband is funny, but you are my inspiration. Never forget that. It was great meeting you!
    Lisa R. Petty just rambled about…Getting Schooled at Blog UMy Profile

  8. OMG he’s adorable. Like you with a penis. Wait, that doesn’t sound adorable at all.
    Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 just rambled about…Can Water Actually Be Affected By Consciousness?My Profile

  9. First of all, I’m concerned why Jen @ Something Clever 2.0 likes you with a penis; but I guess I shouldn’t judge. lol!! Nothing’s wrong with that. AND…your hub is a total trip! If we hop over state lines and head your way, we are totally going out and partying! Hilarious!!
    Stacey just rambled about…Need a Relaxing Stay-cation? Send Kids to Camp!My Profile

    • We shall paint the town red if you come over! Actually, I’m not allowed to paint because according to my husband I “get paint everywhere and paint like a three-year old.’ Whatever.

  10. He’s too funny! It’s obvious why you two are together! You know, he might be saying some funny shit, but how smart are you to save it and blog about it?!? It’s clear who is the brains and who is the beast.
    The NotsoSuperMom just rambled about…The Sugar: I Am Not an Activist.My Profile

    • You make an excellent point! I take the time to write his musings down in my phone and then give them clever titles, so really I’m the brains of this whole operation. Thanks for putting it in perspective.

  11. Your hubby is an absolute riot. Hashtag beast? Seriously?
    The two of you must be hilarious together. Thanks for the laugh! I need to come over here to your place more often! I need more humor in my life. The humor around here consists of farting and making jokes about it. I’m thanking my lucky stars that the last whoopie cushion has mysteriously disappeared.
    Michelle @ A Dish of Daily Life just rambled about…Women Entrepreneurs: Are You Ready to Launch a New Business?My Profile

    • Why aren’t you coming over here more often? You should! I’m glad you enjoyed it. Matt and I really have fun together. No one makes me laugh quite like he does.

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